Episode 8 – HOMETOWNS!!!!!!!11

Back in Houston, Texas for AshLee’s hometown first. She’s setting up a blanket in a shitty little field. They drink champagne. “My family’s not the typical pastor family. My dad’s into motorcycles….” Motorcycles aren’t badass. My dad has one. He’s not a badass. Motorcycles are for fat 50-year old dudes.

Her parents are fat and uggo. How is she so attractive and skinny? Oh right, she’s adopted, so that explains that. Her dad has a big, awesome mustache. 

Deborah, AshLee’s mom, is awesome and also real fat. “What are your intentions with AshLee – are you gonna break her heart???” Easiest question ever. Just answer that you do not intend to break said heart.

Her dad is SUPER Texas. He has real light jeans that are probably from 1993 and awesome cowboy boots. Jeff Foxworthy is his spirit animal. Sean asks about the 17-year old marriage and WTF everyone was thinking. Dad didn’t really care that much. AshLee was probably such a bitchy little teenager. Good thing she grew out of that phase into a bitchy 32-year old Bachelor contestant phase.

I really didn’t think much of her hometown was worth talking about. I hated all of it. Nothing was funny or entertaining. I miss you, Lesley M.

Catherine’s turn – a visit to Seattle. Obviously they go to the fish market because what else is there in Seattle? I don’t know, but I do know there is this market where guys throw Salmon around like footballs and yell and scream at each other. So they go do that and he’s catching salmon like they do there. They don’t show him dropping any, but I know he did.  She’s going to try now. She has no chance. Yep, dropped. “It’s slippery!” I know, it’s a fish. She makes a one-handed stab. They kiss and exchange salmon juices. It was all very exciting.

Now, back at Catherin’s house, our white bread blonde Texan is about to walk into the Philippine lady-tiger den. Looks like a lot of sassy old-school women with sriracha in their veins and a healthy distrust of the white man. Lots of drinking. SOME FUCKING DANK LOOKING SNACKS. Wow I want to eat those little Philippine treats.

Her grandma wants to bang Sean. And she lets him know. She is trying to steal him. I vote for grandma to come to the fantasy sex suite next week.

Her sisters are hot, but they are trying to sabotage her because they only watched last episode and they think that continual sabotage is the main premise of the show. They are terrifying him. He is not comfortable with this at all. Cockblock city. “She’s not ready for commitment. She’s messy. She can’t ‘handle her moods’”. Yikes. It takes me a week to get around to matching my clean socks, but at least I can “handle my moods.”

Wow, he asks for the blessing from her mom and she says, “We’ll…see what happens” Ouch, blonde foreigner man. This is just like that movie Pocahontas. No love for the beautiful blonde man who’s coming to take away our musical Indian princess. Tierra was the fat raccoon in this analogy. Fat raccoon’s name was Meeko.

This was really not a good hometown. I would not be excited if I was him.

Lindsay’s hometown. Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. Her dad is a Major General, which means 2 stars for all of you who aren’t up to snuff on military ranks. What this means is that he is basically like an executive in the Army and he is in charge of a LOT of people. He also commands a tremendous amount of respect. There are only a handful of generals out there, of any rank.

I can’t believe this girl made it this far. She came in a fucking wedding dress. How has Sean forgotten that so quickly? 

Before he meets dad, she’s making him do a cute little army boy routine. She stands him at attention and spanks him and stuff. 20 pushups. She then sits on him while he does pushups. I swear, this is everyone’s favorite activity with this guy. Sit on him while he does pushups. Kissing sit-ups. About face-then-butt-smack. She wants to bang so bad. He just wants to stop being forced to do pushups.

Her dad is sort of quiet. Her mom is very loud. Mom sits down and asks him to deliver an L-bomb, and he says no. Says he will say it when he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Mom eats it up. She dumb.

Talking to dad. I’m real scared of this guy. Sean asks his permission for marry Lindsay. Her dad doesn’t have an answer. He’s known Sean for 2 hours. OMG YES I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO GO ALL MILITARY ON HIM YES. “You have to manage risk. You have to have the authority to make the decision.” Fuck, Ok, he gives him permission. After the camera stops rolling, he politely lets Sean know that if he does anything wrong, he will be erased from existence by the Delta Force and his body will never be found. There will be unmanned surveillance aircraft tailing every helicopter he boards for the rest of his life… 

Dad gives him some dog tags to remember him by. “So that after I kill you, I’ll remember what your name was”. Ok he didn’t actually say that, but that’s what dog tags are for.

Now for Desiree’s hometown. Los Angeles, CA. She’s so happy to have him here in her hometown! To remind you guys, they’ve been in LA for the entire season. He could have taken the city bus to get there.

They go to Desiree’s apartment. I wish they would show everyone’s fridge like in Cribs. Desiree’s is full of wine, fage yogurt, and assorted wedding cakes.

Oh, there’s a knock on the door. She is surprised. It’s a mysterious man? Is it her brother? Is it a boyfriend? Sean is being awkward about it. Mystery man seems surprised by the cameras? I think this is definitely a boyfriend. WOW!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A BOYFRIEND!!! LIKE MAYBE A REAL BOYFRIEND!!! WOW!!!! OMG I HOPE THEY FIGHT. “Why didn’t you call me???” he says! Idk because she was on the bachelor trying to bang this dude!!!??? Wow apparently Desiree’s brother told this guy to come!!! YEAAAAAAAS!!!!! ILOVETHEDRAMAAAAA.

SHE HAS SOMETHING TO CONFESS!!!

MOTHERFUCK MOTHERFUCK MOTHERFUCK EVERYTHING. THIS IS AN ACTOR. Oh it’s because he tricked her the first time on that date, with the art. Wow. I am full of hate. I was so excited. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKK. 

He meets the families. Her Bro has a sleeve tat. And a hand tat. He is about to fuck shit up so here come the ALL CAPS, just be ready. Her parents look like mega-nerds. Nobody’s parents are good looking. How does that work? You always gotta make sure the girl’s mom is good looking. Her bro Nathan is real dumb and tatted. He’s gonna try and be a tough guy here.  This douche pulls Sean aside and tries to fuck shit up. Calls him a playboy. Sean says he’s not. Wow. Brother doesn’t believe him. Sean wants to kill him. Brother wants to smoke some meth, create a mashup, and then play Halo 3 until he passes out.

It’s awkward at dinner. Parents start talking about the weather. That’s a dead giveaway that it’s super awkward. Dad: “we have four distinct seasons” Nice. Always great to tell the guy about the number of seasons experienced in the same city he’s been in since the show began.

Sean is not pumped about this. She’s pretty disappointed. Everyone embarrassed of Nathan, the brother with the tats. This was a shitty hometown and she is real sad. Nathan the brother has to be some kind of fucked up. I bet the producers threw him 50 bucks and some meth in exchange for fucking shit up just now.

Getting ready for the final ceremony. HE HAS NO CLARITY OMG WHAT WILL HE DOOOOOoOoooOooooo??? Talkin’ it out w/ his bro Chris Harrison. Haven’t seen ol’ Chris in a minute. He says he’s confused. It comes down to Catherine and Desiree. I’m surprised at that. I like them both, but their families clearly fucked shit up.

BLAH BLAH MOTHERUCKING BLAH HE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. DESIREE SAYS “SEAN CAN I TALK TO YOU REAL QUICK.” HE LIKE, YEAH YOU CAN.

She says she’s real sorry. She starts crying. Apologizing for her brother. Why do they do it like this? At the very last second? Do they not have cell phones? Twitter? Instagram apology? AIM? Skype? Myspace? Expressive youtube clip? Apology meme? WORDPRESSSSSSS!

Catherine wants to apologize too. She scared. 

AshLee gets the first rose and I’m fuckin mad. 

Lindsay gets the next. Also shitty.

Dez or Catherine. Dez or Catherine. I think Dez. I think Dez. 

OMG HE PUTS THE MUTHERFUCKIN LAST ROSE DOWN AND GOES INTO THE ROOM TO LOOK AT THE LADY PICTURES AGAIN!!!!!!! THIS SHOW IS AMAZING YALL MOTHERFUCKAS OMG THE SUSPENSE.

Sorry I’m drunk.

He wants to cut Dez so bad. He does it. She is going to literally beat the shit out of her brother. That is 100% it. Her brother ruined it and she will hate him forever. Wow. One last chance. Sit him down outside on the “last chance bench” to try and convince. Not working. 

Ride of shame. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my life!” *sobs* HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah good point, your life is pretty much beyond saving now. Might as well just give it up and go join the convent.

OMG THE PREVIEW FOR TOMORROW. ANOTHER FUCKING 2-SHOW WEEK THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. HE’S A VIRGIN SAVING HIMSELF FOR MARRIAGE! HE HAS A TINY DICK. ALL GIRLS HERE AGREE HIS DICK IS REAL TINY AND I HOPE SO TOO. 

See you soon!

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Episode 6 – St. Croix

Sorry sorry sorry for being so late on this one. Same old story. Not giving up yet.

 

Previews are great. I love them. So much crying.

 

Another seaplane for Sean. Oh! The other girls are also there in a sea plane! 6 women left?? Holy shit, I did not realize. I thought this would just go on forever. Congrats to my girl Lesley M for making final 6.

 

Buccaneer hotel. Great plug. Lindsey just made $17.50 for mentioning it. They are in St. Croix. No idea where that is but I love it and it is tropical and nice.

 

“I wanna be on the beach. I wanna be on the sun. I wanna be in my swimsuit. I wanna be in his swimsuit.” – AshLee. I hope your grandparents are watching this. But you’re 32 so they’re probably way dead.

 

Tierra: “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriends.” Too easy.

 

AshLee gets the first one-on-one. They go on a catamaran and take a tour of a private island. But they have to swim out there. 

 

“ever since she let me blindfold her…she showed me her vulnerability…” ugh. FYI those girls are fake. The sideboob gives it away.

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Oh no, the catamaran scene. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. 

 

They did it. I hate this show and I love this show. I hate this show and I love this show. I hate this show and I love this show.

 

Lesley on her friend Tierra – “I want to roll her roll-away bed into the freaking ocean” Nice. Murder her.

 

AshLee now talking shit about Tierra on the 1-on-1. Will it work this time? There is much chardonnay fueling the conversation.

 

Ashlee has something intense to share - 15 years ago in high school she had a boyfriend, things were difficult with mom, got married when she was 17? OMG PLEASE SAY SHE’S STILL MARRIED??? Nope. Dated freshman year married junior year, “broke up” senior year. Yeah, thats called a divorce. She must be from the south. I hope not North Carolina.

 

She just dropped L bomb on our hero Sea. Wow, already?

 

Tierra gets a one-on-one. Omg this will be interesting.

 

Sean about to bring up the fact that everyone on this fucking show hates her. Problems. They have dinner at a “sugar mill” which is super romantic and unique and shit.

 

Tierra is upset because she thinks Sean is getting distant, and her BF is not giving her the attention she deserves. Which is bullshit because she’s getting every bit of available attention from the producers, contestants, and celebrity bloggers. She better get fuckin’ cut. Tierra says “I’m falling in love with you”. These girls are like dominos. Once somebody breaks the seal, everybody’s got to get their L-bomb in. 

 

Group date: Catherine, Disiree, Lindsey

 

“Love is on the horizon” is the tagline. Catherine calls zip-lining. If it is, she’s brilliant and i love her. My guess is that sean is make them watch a sun rise/set with some sort of minor twist mixed in. Maybe from a plane or something. 

 

Sean does this thing where he ambushes them while they’re sleeping and takes pics of them. He apparently wants to see what they look like without makeup on. A fair ask, but definitely  good way to get your ass beat by 3 girls. Women get real serious about that shit. 

 

I was right. They watch the sunrise. Mimosas magically appear. Then they drive all across St. Croix. Final destination is a treehouse. The treehouse sucked. 

 

They land at this place called sandy point and go in the water. Catherine talks about something about depression and stuff. Wow, when she was 14 her dad had a suicide attempt in front of she and her sisters. Wow. Wow that’s a big deal. Wow.

 

Lesleys tits are not fake. AshLee, I’m not so sure anymore. No idea anymore. But hey Lesley…

 

 

 

Here’s the rose: Lindsay. Fuck. I hate myself. We wanted Desiree. 

 

Ohhhh Lesley gets a 1-on-1!!! “I hope our love stands the test of time” I hope your existence on this show stands the test of time.

 

Ok here’s the date with Lesley. She looks great. Lesley has something to confess. They all do, Jesus. Is this confession week? What if you don’t have anything good to say? I confess that one time when I was little I stole a starburst from the grocery store from a bag that ripped. I lied to my mom and told her that I had it when I came in. But it was on the ground, though, so nobody was going to use it anyway. Anyway, back to Lesley: “I…” she doesn’t want to tell him today. Wow. Lack of vulnerability. Sean the psychologist will take note of this. 

 

Wow they kiss. She’s so hot. They want to bone so bad. She had a LOT of experience at UGA. She probably lived in Brumby. 

 

SEAN’S SISTER SHAY IS HERE. SHE SIGNED HIM UP FOR THE SHOW. THAT’S NOT REALLY EXCITING ENOUGH TO WARRANT THE CAPS LOCK BUT IT’S TOO LATE NOW I ALREADY STARTED.

 

Tierra and Ashlee taLking to each other. Here comes the fight. Omg here it comes. Her eyebrow. Omg. Tierra wants to kill. She must spill the blood of innocents. She thinks she’s been sabotaged. AshLee asks for names. 

 

Tierra: “I’m a 24 year old woman! You’re 32 years old” I’m not gonna sit around and talk high school stuff!” Shots fired. The age jab. A staple of any respectable girl’s arsenal. 

 

“Your’e jealous! Men love me” – Tierra. Wowww the young temptress from Denver! Coming out confident! Let’s hope she’s not burning through too much ammo out of the gate…

 

“When I’m 32 years old, I’m married, with a family, and I don’t have to sit around with 22 year olds gossiping!” Still going strong. She’s been waiting for her time to shine. She was born for this moment. She is the queen of the queendom of bitch.

 

“Oh, and your character is so great? I’m done with this conversation” – Tierra. A decisive end. Calling the game on her terms. With a singeing walk off jab. Omg her eyebrow is just. Going. Insane. Again. It is the chupacabra. It is the illuminati. I’m hypnotized by it’s dance of seduction. It is my valentine.

 

ASHLEE NOW TALKING ABOUT THE EYEBROW! “Raised eyebrow? AshLee that’s my face!” Can’t believe AshLee mentioned it. It’s coming for her. He has 7 days to live. Her firstborn children are dead. They belong to eyebrow. 

 

Tierra says “people said ‘you would be trouble’. They said Tierra, you have a sparkle” What? Sparkle? Are you fucking honey boo boo? “I can’t control my eyebrow!” “I’m not perfect! Get over it!” Keep it up girl. You are my wine-consumption inspiration.

 

There was a Neil Lane commercial.

 

Sean suggests that he and his sister go and talk to Tierra to try and sort things out. Can’t wait. 

 

He heads off to find Tierra crying . Typical. Her finger tat is so stupid. “What are you doing? Why are you actin like this?” Good fuckin’ question, brother.

 

Sean: “I came here so you could meet somebody.” 

Tierra: “WHOOOOOOO!!!!” 

“I’ll show you, if we Just go”

“THIS IS JUST SO HARD FOR ME SEAN!!!”

 

I’ve about had it with this bitch. This girl is like a living whitegirl/firstworld/problemshitgirlssay. 

 

CUT THIS BITCH NOW MY GOD

 

Tierra crying. Sean – “I’ve made a decision, I know what I need to do” YOU NEED TO FINISH THE UNFINISHED HEART SHAPED FINGER TATTOOOOOO!

 

Sean: “I know how hard his has been on you. I’m crazy about you and I have been since the very first night. And since I care so much about you, it might be best if you go home now…”

 

YEAAA!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!! 

 

Wow she gets put in the blue shame van. “I can’t believe he did this to me”…

 

Now for the “cocktail party” aka final rose ceremony

 

Lesleys’ tithes look great.

 

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Wow, no cocktail party. Only rose ceremony. Why not just have a cockail party? Who doesn’t like a party?

 

Wow. Lesley gone.

 

Editor’s note: Wrote a lot of all-caps screaming, but deleted it because it made zero sense. Call me, Lesley. 

 

 

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Episode 4 – Part 2

Now they’re in Alberta, Canada. How did he get here? He just, like, appeared. He took a little seaplane. I think he took off from the pool at the bachelor mansion. The girls arrive in 2 limos. I assume one of them has 8 girls in it and the other has Tierra, wearing a helmet.

Chris Harrison says: “Welcome to the most romantic place in the Canadian Rockies” I wonder if there are any other romantic places there?

As usual, they have a sick hotel resort with an awesome view. The water is like, un-naturally blue. Who knew there was anything good in Canada? Not me.

First 1-on-1 goes to Catherine. The sleeper. Tagline: “Lets find our fairy tale ending” I hope there is a fairy tale ending to your bullshit.

Catherine says: “I’m so happy to be here. I’m so happy to enjoy this space with him.” Wtf does that even mean? Enjoy this space? Enjoy Canada? Nobody enjoys Canada. Not even Canadians.

They make her wait for him in the middle of the fucking tundra. He pulls up in this fucking gigantic bus thing. Idk what this thing is. It’s like, a monster truck bus. The date for today is that they are going to go “play on a glacier.” Whoa whoa whoa, they’re letting him drive this fucking monstrosity? This is really not safe. This is a lot more difficult to operate than his little bowflex machine. Nice how they let him operate heavy industrial equipment but Tierra is not allowed near the stairs anymore.

Hahaha this is miserable. He’s just pulling her around on a toboggan. On flat ground. In the middle of goddamn Siberia. In the middle of a fucking blizzard. “I never get cold when I’m with him” Christ, the return of the metaphors. Other activities include sledding, flips, somersalts, walking on their hands, making snow angels. This is so stupid. The weather is so miserable, it looks so cold. I hate.

Even in all this snow and misery, they still manage to find a blanket, sit down, and drink something out of thermoses (presumably white wine). They certainly stick to the formula on this show. So glad that me and my girlfriend never sit under blankets and share wine while talking about nothing.

They go back to the lodge to regroup, and then take a horse drawn carriage to this fucking igloo ice castle thing. It’s pretty cool. It reminds me of this vodka cage thing i went in once where they dressed me in a soviet military outfit and made me drink a bunch of vodka out of shot glass made of ice. But anyway, there is still a couch and a blanket and wine for them to enjoy. Neither couch nor blanket is made of ice.

Catherine is opening up about this time when she was 12 at summer camp. A tree fell on the girl in front of her and killed her instantly. Holy shit. Not very relevant, but wow. What a freak accident. She probably made it up, but whatever.

She gets a rose. I think to get a rose you just have to tell a real sad story about yourself so that he thinks you’re opening up. Here’s a sad story. When I was like 9, my friend accidentally dropped a brick on my head. It hurt real bad. It was real sad. Give me my rose, please.

“Catherine has melted my heart’ You’re melting my patience, Catherine.

Group date tagline: “Let’s bare our souls” I hope it’s a nudity challenge.

Oh god, they’re going canoeing again. Canoeing to the other end of the lake. This will take them literally 4 hours. You remember last time when they paddled in circles while Sean laughed at them and Harrison read the entire 50 shades of grey series. Lesley is smart about it and decides to get in Sean’s canoe. The other bitches think she is cheating because she actually did something smart. Poor Sarah is struggling again BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE FUCKING ARM AND THEY KEEP MAKING HER DO TWO-ARMED THINGS. Does everything have to be a physical challenge? Come on. Homegirl got one arm.

Lesley turns around to face him in the canoe. This is real smart, but other girls hate it. Selma wanted to tip the boat over and send them both to a quick and icy death. This is because she is a mean bitch from Bagdad and water is her kryptonite.

They get to the end where they are going to do a polar bear club thing and jump in the water and make a bunch of metaphors about how love is a plunge and the cold but Sean will warm their hearts and shit. Sean: “Now, can we go get undressed?” Ok so he’s still a straight at this point.

Selma is the only one not doing it, because she says she is from Baghdad and they are desert people. What are you the wicked witch of the west? You won’t dissolve.

Ok so they jump in. It’s so funny. Everyone is pumped. Lesley is pumped. Sarah is pumped. Desiree is pumped. AshLee is proud of herself. Everyone loved it an had a great time.

IN THE SURPRISE OF THE FUCKING CENTURY, TIERRA IS FREAKING OUT. THINK SHE’S DYING. WHY DON’T YOU GO THE FUCK INSIDE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST GO INSIDE AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Just whoring for attention. All the other girls are fine. Even the girl with one arm is fine. Tierra thinks she’s going to die in 5 minutes.

Back from commercial, and Tierra is shaking violently and dramatic music is playing. Her multi-layered makeup is now all over her face. They got her in a wheelchair just covered in blankets. She has on like a million jackets.

She says: “I missed time with him…”. While she is making all these people try and make sure she isn’t hypothermic. Omg you are such a fucking drama queen. It’s so easy to predict. Tierra now on an oxygen feed, eating a motherfuckin’ cheeseburger. Having the staff put on her fucking socks for her. This cannot be real. I hate everyone.

Sean goes in to check on her and they cuddle and shit. I’m sure the women of America are pretty infuriated. I don’t care that much.

Now for the after-group-date cocktail party. They are excited that Tierra won’t be there on account of the hypothermia. Always good to wish ill upon others. Pumped because they get more TIME WITH SEAN and there will be no drama. Lesley M get’s the first alone time. Blanket, wine, couch. Formulaic.  She says “I love love”. That is such a girl thing. First bad thing I’ve heard her say. Sean says “I love your energy. I appreciate you so much” WTF THAT’S SO FUCKING STUPID YOU REMIND ME OF THAT DOUCHEBAG BEN. Ugh. I hate this show. No I don’t.

Tierra says: “I’m not having fun at all!” She’s pissed. Her eyebrow is out of control. It has a mind of it’s own. Look at this motherfucking thing.

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That thing is in it’s own stratosphere. It has it’s own twitter. It’s @TierrasEyebrow. I want a shootout, @TierrasEyebrow

Tierra puts on an hour’s worth of make up and is about to crash the party. Again. As soon as the door opens the whole fucking place goes silent. THE HATE IS SO REAL.

Lesley M: “She is a professional at getting attention. We have a Tierra-rist on our hands” That’s really fucking clever. Trademark Lesley M. That’s really clever and I wish I thought of it. I want to get married to her. “Sorry” – me to my girlfriend.

Tierra gets pulled aside and bullshits about how her life is so hard and she got real cold one time and blah blah EYEBROW. YESSSSS LINDAY BREAKS IT UP AND ITS AWESOME.

Sean says: “I appreciate everyone that ‘embraced today’. This poor girl gets hypothermia and still shows up. So I’m giving the rose to someone who really ‘embraced today’ and who I’ve also turned a corner with..”

If it’s Tierra I’m dead.

IT’S LESLEY YES WOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKER I LOVE EVERYONE

Tierra’s face is priceless.

Sean says there’s a woman here who wants him to meet his family, but he just doesn’t see a forever with her. He’s about to send Sarah home. OMG this is so bad. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t want it to happen. I’m not going to write about it. It’s so sad. It happened.

Desiree gets another one on one, while Tierra and Daniela don’t have one yet. I don’t care.

Desiree goes on the second 1-on-1. They hike up a fuckin’ mountain. They’re gonna have a picnic. Except the picnic is at the bottom and they have to repel down the mountain.

“Rappelling down the mountain was seriously like a relationship. it does get hard.” SO FUCKING STUPID WITH THIS METAPHOR. DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE? Honestly that shit is really easy. Rappelling is really easy. College is also actually really easy. My girlfriend: “Take off your american eagle jeans”. Would just like to point out that my girlfriend thinks she’s better than Desiree because she has mainstream jeans. K good.

They go sit on a blanket in the middle of a field and drink wine. Bored.

Night session in the motherfuckin’ teepee. I haven’t ever seen a teepee in real life. My girlfriend: “I want to spend time with the teepee” I think that’s funny because she’s real drunk.

Desiree says she lived in a tent for 4 months when she was a kid. Then in a trailer. Good thing my girlfriend made fun of her american eagle jeans. Awesome.

Sean: “She was vulnerable with me…I can see myself proposing…” I DON’T FUCKIN’ CARE ABOUT YOUR VULNERABILITY.

Cocktail party. Selma makes some sort of brave move and plants a super awkward kiss on Sean. “To kiss someone on television is a HUGE SHAME to my family.” Love that.

AshLee gives him some sort of weird symbolic blindfold. I missed the details. It’s real fuckin’ weird. She says: “I hate being blindfolded, I don’t like the unknown” BUT YOU JUST GAVE HIM THE FUCKING BLINDFOLD TO PUT ON YOUR FACE. In her monologue she starts crying about something. I have no idea what’s going on and it’s stupid. “It makes me vulnerable and it’s scary” Whatever. You’re not going to win, AshLee. Nobody wants to marry a girl whose name is spelled AshLee. He carries AshLee somewhere. WTF is this? This is so weird. Making out with blindfold on. The blindfold was so stupid. When the blindfold is removed she is crying. This is bizarre. I would cut her tonight if I was him. This is too weird and high maintenance.

Roses: Lindsay, AshLee. And Tierra, obviously.

Selma (while crying): “I honestly don’t think Tierra is the right person for Sean”. YOU BITCHES DON’T GET IT. YOU’RE NOT LOSING TO TIERRA, YOU’RE LOSING TO LESLEY M AND DESIREE AND CATHERINE, NOT TIERRA. TIERRA IS THE COMEDIC RELIEF. Daniela says: “I put my self out there with my heart and I was vulnerable” Whatever.

YESSS MOTHERFUCKERS WE ARE GOING TO ST. CROIX NEXT WEEK SHOW ME THOSE BIKINIS. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO WORK SO MUCH!!!

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Episode 4 – Night 1

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So, sorry I haven’t been up to date, but I have a real job that pays me real money so unfortunately that comes first. According to superhost Chris Harrison, today is the start of a worldwide journey. Around the world. … Continue reading

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Episode 4 – J. Tree, Roller Derby, Neal Lane

Editor’s note: For whatever reason, this post had a lot of profanity, so if you’re not into that, go read another blog. Also, would like to note that last week someone googled “Why does Tierra have a dent in her forehead?” and would up here, so that’s awesome.

Ok kids. I got off of work a little bit late tonight, so I’m scrambling to get this wine drank. The result: I just drank the first bottle of wine in 20 minutes, and I feel significantly drunk already. Let’s see what’s in store for this week…

Rock climbing, a black girl using “chocolate” innuendo, roller derby, Tierra wearing booty shorts, Tierra crying, Tierra’s inability to handle the fakeness, Tierra not handling being “tortured” like this. Omg this is perfect.

Now this is the part of the show where we see Sean work out on his bowflex in his little blue shorts. Wait, no. This time Sean is in his little boxer briefs, in his bathroom, getting dressed. Haha this is so stupid. He’s like, always naked. Next time they’re just going to show him with a little leaf over his balls like a statue.

Selma gets the first 1-on-1. She’s starts her 15 minutes of ABC fame with “I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then babies!”. So for those playing along at home, there are exactly 2 levels before babies. I learn something new every day.

Sean takes Selma into a limo. The tagline is “Let’s turn up the heat” so she’s thinking hot yoga. She just said she weighs 110 pounds. I have never been so sure of anything in my life than I am sure that she does not weigh 110 pounds. I really have no idea how much she weighs, but there is literally no way that a woman would tell her actual weight on the premier television program of our generation.

They get on a red carpet into a private jet. It’s about damn time, bro. You got to use that promotional power and get on some fucking jets.

She thinks they’re going somewhere glamorous. Her sitting position on this plane is outrageous. He is sitting in his seat minding his own business. Her ass is in her own seat, but just about every other part of her is somehow all up in his personal space. Her face is no more than 3 inches from his penis.

She will not stop babbling about this fucking plane ride. About how she’s a princess and she’s being treated right and he’s such a dream man and shit. You aren’t even there yet, honey, the plane ride isn’t the date.

They get there, they are in the middle of nowhere in the desert. “I’m in the desert, and I’m so disappointed”. I mean, what were you expecting? Switzerland already? At least you got the plane ride.

They’re at Joshua Tree. Sean wants to do something outdoorsy, and Selma is wearing sunglasses with lenses the size of tennis balls. “I feel puffy, so this should be interesting” Has she ever been outside before? She wants to go back to the bachelor mansion immediately.

Sean wants a better view, “like, from the top of that rock?” (points to big rock). She asks “are we taking a helicopter?” You guys probably think that’s dumb, but I mean, it’s a very fair question. More often than not on this show, if they are moving to from one place to another, they take a helicopter.

So they climb up this rock, and I’m actually pretty impressed. She goes up first so he (we) can look at her ass. They make it to the top, the sun is setting. Oh no. Here come the metaphors. WOW NO METAPHORS. PEOPLE THIS IS A FIRST! This is a seriously big deal to me. My life is pitiful.

Hmm, so they do the night date, and it’s at this little trailer park thing. I don’t’ get it, and neither does she, but whatever. They still sit on a couch, put on the blanket, and start drinking.

Wow, she was born in Bagdad and was a born Muslim. In an aside, she says “My mom would have a heart attack if I kissed someone on national television”. Going to pause here. That’s fine I guess, and I get that you come from a conservative home, but you are on the wrong television show. You will be expected to kiss on camera. You will later be expected to “forego your individual bedroom” and spend the night together in a fantasy sex chalet in Switzerland or some shit. You will be pressured into aggressive hot-tubbing. You have GOT to get with the program, Selma. You better believe Tierra has been trying to bang this dude since she got there, so you need to turn up the slutty.

Back to Sean. He says: “I’d like to kiss you” That’s an awkward line. She says: “I can’t kiss you” Also an awkward line. So they don’t kiss, and instead, he just rubs her head and shit. 

The rest of their date is just so stupid. Blankets and cuddling and fire. And some acoustic guitar music. Show me this fucking roller derby, please. 

Lindsay, Robin, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah (yikes), and Tierra are on the group date to the roller derby. These bitches jump in the limousine and start drinking mimosas. Tagline is something like “roll with the punches.” One girl thinks the date will be getting in a giant hamster ball and rolling down a hill. Can’t make this shit up, guys.

When they get to the roller derby, they are confused. Honestly I’m pretty confused too. I don’t know the rules of this game. Are there rules? Ooooh, luckily the resident derby queens will teach us the “ins and outs” of the game. Good. Just what I wanted.

Here’s what roller derby is, via Wikipedia:

 

“Roller derby is a contact sport played by two teams of five members roller skating in the same direction around a track. Game play consists of a series of short matchups (“jams”) in which both teams designate a scoring player (the “jammer”) who scores points by lapping members of the opposing team. The teams attempt to assist their own jammer whilst hindering the opposing jammer—in effect, playing both offense and defense simultaneously.”

 

Tierra thinks she’s about to kick some ass. She says “I have aggression I’ve been building up–living in the house.” Yeah, well, there are like 8 other girls here that are going to try fucking kill you as soon as possible.

Haha they are so bad at this. They can’t even stand up on the skates. Omg so sad for Sarah. I really might cry. Omg the wine. Omg omg omgomg she’s crying omg. I’m not. I’m not. Omg. 

Amanda falls on her chin. Sarah goes “OH FUCK!” Amanda grabs her chin. Sarah says “she just fell so hard on her chin.” Sean saunters over there and says “where does it hurt???”. Probably her chin, broski.

On-site medic says her jaw could be broken. It’s hard out there, folks. This is reality. Life’s hard on The Bachelor. But I’m going to be honest. These bitches really struggle with even very elementary and simple tasks. First, Tierra gets dominated by a set of goddamn stairs. Next, homegirl gets fucked up by some roller-skates. Yet somehow no accidents with the rock climbing or building-free-falling. They need adult supervision at all times.

Ok, he just called off the whole fucking thing and they just have a “roller skating disco party” and nothing fucking happens. The girls think Sean was so sweet to call it off. Unbelievable. The previews showed them tackling each other and shit. I’m pissed.

Now for a cocktail party in a remote location. Tierra is about to freak the fuck out. I’m lovin’ it.  Amanda comes back and says “I love the sympathy card. I play dirty. I will milk the heck out of this”. Strong. Haha I kind of like her. At least she has some sort of understanding about how to win. 

Back to the group date. Tierra is wearing booty shorts to the cocktail party. She says “I’m ‘bout to walk out of here” and “I can’t do this at all, I don’t’ trust anybody here” Then she asks a producer to leave the show. She asks “Where is Sean?” I don’t know Tierra, let’s go find him! OH WAIT HE’S BUSY MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

“I love Sean, he’s a great guy but why should I be tortured every day and be so uneasy?” Idk, because you volunteered for it? “I am breaking down inside, I can’t be tortured like this” Meanwhile, Sean is about to go hot-tubbing with another girl.

She squats down in the shadows or a hallway or something and ambushes him. She is crying. “I just can’t do it”. Look, sweetheart, Kacie B tried this too. It doesn’t work. Crying to him about how being on the show is sooooo hard doesn’t work. You have to fucking chill. This is why women don’t understand men. We don’t fucking care. Yeah, life’s hard, tough shit. You don’t get special treatment. You are on a television game show with plenty of other VERY attractive and desirable women who have NO issues with this.

Sean diffuses the bomb pretty well. And by diffuses, I mean he just looks at her while not speaking, and then she feels better because he’s so hot. 

OMG HE JUST TOOK A FUCKING ROSE TO HER. EVERYONE IS PISSED. WOW. WOW. ALL THESE BITCHES ARE FURIOUS. WOW. ALLLL MOTHERFUCKING CAPTS I’M DRUNK!!!

One-on-one date: Leslie H. The Leslie that’s not my Lesley. She gets these diamond earrings. But where is the Neal Lane plug? There is no plug. I’m stumped. 

She seems nerdy. I don’t like her. He is wearing a vest. I do not support. I’m curious where these diamond earrings came from. He’s taking her shopping on Rodeo Drive. Wow. This is really reason enough for most women to want to come on this show-just for the shopping. I wonder if she gets to keep anything. She is excited. He is clueless. They just show her trying on a bunch of dresses. I don’t think any of them look good. Whatever. Now they get shoes? A purse? Idk. I’m confused. They awkwardly dance in the store? This is weird. I think she’s going to get cut. He has one more thing to “complete” the look.

OH SHIT THEY GOING TO THE NEAL LANE STORE. I FUCKING KNEW IT. HERE COME THE DIAMONDS. I FUCKING KNEW THAT’S WHERE THE DIAMONDS WHERE FROM. HERE COMES NEAL LANE’S MASTERPIECE. Wow, it’s a real big thing with a LOT of diamonds. Majestic music playing in the background. He just said $120,000. Wooooo. 

They go eat somewhere fancy. Guarantee they waste all of their delicious-looking food. I really don’t like her. I don’t know. She just seems like a flop. She is real awkward. There are serious questions going on like “What lessons you will pass on to your kids?” I have no fucking idea. My dad didn’t teach me much. My jump shot is broke. My fastball barely touched 80. I hope my son nevers know the pain I knew. 

“I’m just not feeling the romantic connection” I knew it. I fucking called this shit. “I wanted the romantic connection to click, and it just didn’t happen”. Wow, this is brutal. She is so sad. Holy shit this is awkward. Omg he has to take the Neal Lane necklace off and give it back to Neal. I definitely called. it. Am I getting too good at this? I need a new hobby that is more respected by society. 

Back at the cocktail party, Robyn, the lone remaining black girl, lays down a SICK pick up line. About chocolate. Do you want a taste of chocolate? Which chocolate do you want to taste? Strong. Do they make vanilla candies? I am a vanilla L

Tierra is just bitchin’ ’round. Carrying her new rose everywhere. WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE TO ROBYN??? THIS IS BULLSHIT. I DON’T WANT THIS. RESOLVING PROBLEMS? COME ONNN PRODUCERS THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! Ugh.

HERE COMES CHRIS HARRISON WITH THAT MOTHER FUCKING SPOOOOOOOON!!!! It’s nut-cutting time you skanks. Someone ‘bout to get cut. Only one, though. I think. I sayyyyyy, Sarah? 

Catherine. Desiree. Lindsay. Lesley (YESSSS MOTHERFUCKERRRR). Robyn. AshLee. Sarah (I was wrong, now changing to Daniela). Jackie. DANIELA. Wow, he sent Amanda home. After he busted her chin and felt like she was doing so well. Peace out Amanda, nobody really liked you. Enjoy being a fit model.

This season is shitty. Look, ABC. I need to be a producer. I can do this in my sleep. Read the blog, I predict everything before it happens. Hire. Me. My real job isn’t as cool. 

Changes to this episode:

  1. CAN WE GET SOME MORE LESLEY M??? SHE HAS HAD ZERO AIR TIME AND SHE IS MY FUCKING FAVORITE AND I’M FUCKIN MAD!!!! LIKE NOT EVEN A QUICK ASIDE!!! WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCK!!!
  2. That’s it.

OH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. NEXT WEEK IS A 2 NIGHT SHOW??? DO YOU WANT ME TO BLACK OUT ALL WEEK AND MISS WORK??? This is really not fair. I can’t believe it. 2 nights in a row of destroying my body and not remembering the second half of the show. Send prayers my way.

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Episode 3 – New Wine Strategy?

So a slight change in strategy for us here at TBFM this evening. Given the inauguration holiday (or MLK too I guess), I’ve taken advantage of the extra time by drinking a bottle of wine head of time. Pros: I will have a much easier time putting down the two-bottle-per-episode requirement. The cons: I won’t be over-serving myself at quite as violent of a pace as I have been. We’ll see how it turns out.

The preview is amazing. Theme park. Huge stuffed animal. On-screen kiss record? Bikini game. Crying. Kacie skanking around. Tierra scheming. She faints or something. This will be great.

So we kick off episode 3 like we do every week. He’s working out in the home gym. As usual, he is wearing no shirt and blue shorts. Seriously, is this shit going to happen every episode? Can we at least get him a clean pair of shorts? 

First date card: LESLEY M! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO! I LOVE HER. NO APOLOGIES TO MY GIRLFRIEND (except she is watching with me this time so I just apologized to her in person), BUT ON THE BLOG I AM FREE! I LOVE LESLEY!

Apparently she Lesley was a Chi O at Georgia. I really am in love with her.

They go to Hollywood to the Guinness world records temple or museum or whatever. She thought she was going to fly private to Fiji or something. Instead she gets to see the world’s smallest woman. Awesome. 

So the premise here is for them to set a world record. Chris Harrison is already here. Because Harrison is always willing to wing for his bro-bro Sean, the “record” they’re going to set is “Longest On-Screen Kiss”. Too bad it couldn’t have been “Longest Off-Screen Sex-romp.” I think Sean would have appreciated that a little more. It’s ok, Fantasy Suites are coming…

3 minutes and 15 seconds? I could do that. I bet I could do at least 4 minutes.

They bring out the Guinness guy. Is he just always holding a Guinness book of world records? You know the kind–they look like a high school yearbook and they have this really shiny cover. Poor guy, he is like a pledge getting hazed and he always has to have his Guinness book with him.

Lesley looks hot. My girlfriend is here and she’s real mad at me. 

Oh wow, so they start kissing. It’s not very exciting. She’s very handsy, just like Arie. How do you breathe while you do this? Through your nose? Hold your breath? Grab that ass, Sean! Take his shirt off, Lesley! I want this to get weird.

Now, in an aside, Sean’s talking about how their bodies are trembling, and it’s so difficult, and his life is so hard and shit. Chill out, dude. There are child soldiers in Africa, did you know that? All you have to do is make out with this pretty blonde girl in Hollywood for a little while. With the awkward Guinness guy watching you very, very closely.

Guinness bro is taking this very seriously. He actually has a stopwatch. No jokes here. He will not sully the good name of Guinness for some stupid gimmick on The Bachelor on ABC.

My girlfriend is complaining that her ass is about to fall out of her dress. I’m not.

So for the evening portion, they go to the top of some hotel, sit on a little couch, and drink some champagne. There are candles. FUCKING KISS GODDAMNIT. JUST FUCKING DO IT. I LOVE HER. YEAAA THEY FUCKING DID IT!!! THIS IS MAGICAL. SHE GETS A ROSE.

(Editor’s note: Usually I don’t start screaming in all caps until at least the group date. I guess I’m sort of drunk already?)

Group Date

Selma, Sarah, AshLee are the ones not invited. Sarah is the girl with one arm, so it’s probably for the best that she not come to the volleyball group event :(

Tierra already boozing in the limo on the way to the beach. When they get there, Sean takes off his shirt. He does pushups. He frolicks in the water. Harrison shows up, and his shirt is noticeably “still on”. He makes a little speech to introduce the volleyball contest by saying “playing volleyball on a beach in California, that’s something special”. I don’t really think that’s very special at all.

6-on-6 volleyball, winners get to have group sex with hang out with Sean, losers go home. 

There’s a red and a blue team, but I do not care in the slightest who is on which team. The skill level here is severely lacking. Sean says “these girls are giving it their all, but this game is not exactly pretty.” One girl just tried to fucking kick it. I mean, come on.

One girl says “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life”. Wow.

Blue team wins, and they pop some champagne to celebrate their athleticism. Haha, Kristy is crying. Like, literally crying. That she lost this volleyball game. My roommate is horrified. “I played terrible and let everyone down” Haha, this is so stupid. They get back in the van and Leslie H cries too. Seriously people, worse things have happened in life.

They get home and Leslie H continues crying, and she takes off her sweatband to wipe her tears. Might as well use it for something, I guess, because you CLEARLY WEREN’T SWEATING ENOUGH TO GET THAT POINT AND WIN SEAN’S HEART!!!

Wedding dress girl sits down with Sean and says: “I’m so amazed by you. You’re everything that I’m looking for. You’re perfect on paper, and I feel chemistry. I want you to totally know what I’m thinking, and to be my best friend. When I fall in love, I fall head over heels and I give everything to that person. The kiss was amazing and it was meaningful.” She said that. All of that stuff. Like, an actual person said that to another person on television, after meeting him for the first time while wearing a wedding dress, and having spent a total of about 3 hours with him. Just so we’re clear. She should be in jail.

At the “cocktail party”, people are also starting to dislike Amanda. Desiree says: “I think Amanda is really questionable…” Bitches be scheming ALREADY.

Kacie B is about to bring it up to Sean. I can’t stress enough how poor of a strategic choice this is. Wow, Kacie even takes it a step further. She is killing 2 birds with one stone. “Desiree says Amanda is a bitch, etc.” and “I’m not a drama person…” YOU ARE THAT DRAMA KACIE. Sean is like, don’t care. This went so poorly for her haha.

Here comes the rose: Oh man, he gives it to the wedding dress girl. Kacie is confused. Kacie about to start crying. “I’m not supposed to cry this early”. Hey, at least you didn’t cry after volleyball.

Also, I just decided that I want to be Chris Harrison when I grow up. 

Last date: Ashley and Selma. Wait, no, it’s just Ashlee. Tierra was just being a bitch to a girl with one arm, that’s all. Nice, Tierra. I feel the hate. 

HAHAHA OMG TIERRA JUST FELL DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!!! Oh. My God. Hahahaha what a fucking mess. She had way too much chardonnay. All these girls pretending that they are concerned. Sarah hopes she is dead. Sean rolls in with his producer. Ha, he’s just like, shake it off, bro. He think she might have a concussion.  They put her in an embarrassing neck brace. She’s like “I don’t wanna do this!” This is so stupid. “I just wanna be left alone!” This is so funny. “This is not necessary, let me out of here!” Great. Sort of disappointed that it wasn’t a mountain climbing accident like I thought. 

Honestly, it’s ridiculous that the ambulance even came.

AshLee thinks she just did it for attention, and “I’m a smart woman and can see through it. She will go as far as she can, minus the hospital, because as soon as she gets there, there’s nothing wrong with you.” To clarify, AshLee thinks that Tierra purposefully took a swan dive down the stairs so that Sean would talk to her and not AshLee. The hate is real. 

AshLee eventually does get to go on her 1-on-1 date. And OMG THEY HAVE AN AMUSEMENT PARK TO THEMSELVES!!! SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN HOLY SHIT. SO FUCKING AWESOME OH MY GOD I CAN’T BREATHE.

Sean is bringing two girls along, who both suffer from chronic illness. They have become friends online over the past year and a half, but have never met in person. One is from Las Vegas, one is from North Carolina. This sounds really awesome. I love this.

He wins the ring-bottle game, but they don’t show it on camera. Because it’s not actually possible. It really can’t be done. He wins a huge stuffed animal. At night they are getting a private concert from his favorite band. OMG HIS FAVORITE BAND IS ELI YOUNG BAND THAT’S MY FAVORITE BAND!!! THEY PLAY EVEN IF IT BREAKS YOUR HEART!!! OMG I’M DEAD. MORE ELI YOUNG BAND! THEY PLAYED SAY GOODNIGHT. THERE IS DANCING. Can’t breathe. Where’s my wine?

Back at the house before the rose ceremony. Apparently this is called the “cocktail party”. Cock and tail. Ha.

Sarah, the girl with one arm, gets a surprise. A limo pulls up. Her dog is inside. His name is Leo. He’s a boss. She loves it. SO strong from Sean.

Now Tierra’s turn to talk to Sean. Does she have a dent in her forehead? Girlfriend says it’s a scar. I think it’s a dent. I don’t remember it from before.

Wow, Desiree interrupts and steals Sean. Tierra is real pissed. Wow, Desiree just going for the kiss immediately. Wow, Tierra cutting BACK in and taking him BACK. Wow, this is really bad form. 

(Editor’s note: Lot’s of wow’s tonight, huh?)

Other girls hate her. “She gets to talk to him twice?” YEAHHH LESLEY ABOUT TO GO DO SOME JUSTICE AND FUCK SOME SHIT UP!!! THAT’S MY GIRL! I LOVE YOU!!!

Meanwhile, on the love couch, Desiree is alone and confused. 

Kacie interrupts now. Her dress is vacuum-sealed to her body. Not complaining, but just seems like something I’m not used to, and I live in New York City…

UH OHHH, CHRIS HARRISON IN THE HOUSE CLINKING HIS GLASS WITH A FUCKING SPOON. THAT MEANS GAME OVER BITCHES.

(Editor’s note: Haha, wow.)

Whatever. Here’s the rose ceremony. 

Wow. “Before I do this, Kacie can I talk to you???” Wow. 

Kacie got friend-zoned. “I have way too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony if we’re just better off as friends.” A private dismissal. Get in the limo, I’ll keep the rose. Thanks for the sex.

The winners:

Tierra. Leslie H. Catherine. Daniela. Robyn. Selma. Sarah (FUCK YEA!). Jackie (WHO?). Amanda. Desiree.

Kristy the model is gone. And Taryn too. That should be a lesson to all you girls reading (and I know there’s A LOT of you). It’s not about being a model – it’s about being a model and also being able to win a beach volleyball game.

Until next week, friends.

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Episode 2

Don’t really remember anything happened last time (on account of the wine). So, we’re just going to hope that I remember something eventually.

Intro. Sean already working out with no shirt on . Think he’s wearing the same shorts as last time. Is he really going to be chillin’ on this Bowflex thing before every episode? Now he’s in a shower. Soaping his nipples and shit. This is stupid.

Chris Harrison’s calling Sean the “most sincere bachelor that we’ve ever had on the show.” 

Dude. 

“I see this working for him.” 

Dude.  

“I think he’ll get down on one knee and propose marriage to one of you.” 

DUDE.

First date card: Sarah, the girl with one arm. And here comes the helicopter. I mean, I could write this show in a drunken stupor. It’s real easy. Helicopter + girl + boy + chardonnay + sofa + rose + hot tub = Magic. These bitches are pretty surprised and excited by the helicopter, though. Get used to it, girls, this is all you have to look forward to for the next few weeks. 

So Sean meets Sarah takes her into the helicopter so they can fly away to their exotic love-date or whatever. Can you just land a helicopter wherever you want in LA? And like, take off and shit? Are there helicopter rules in LA? NOT IF TRUE LOVE IS AT STAKE.

They fly to the top of some tall building in downtown LA, and on the way he says how much he appreciates how Sarah was open about her arm and she explained her situation. Then he says “I didn’t need an explanation” It might make me a bad person, but I would probably want an explanation. I would at least be curious.

He brings her to the edge of this building, where he informs her that they are going to free fall 300 feet. I’m not really sure what he means by this. Like, base jump? With parachutes? Dude, homegirl has one arm. This is extremely unsafe and I just cannot give you my blessing on this one. This could be prohibitively difficult for her. Like, I’m sure she has trouble tying her shoes – base jumping is a far more complicated endeavor.

There are about to be mad clichés up in this bitch. Like, “taking the plunge together” etc. I can’t really think of any more because I don’t speak cliché as well as the poetic assholes on this show; I just know they’re coming.

“As long as he’s holding me and we take this plunge together, let’s do it!” That was a pretty good one. But it’s really early to already have to hear this crap. You got to chill with this shit, girl, it’s a long season.

So they just jumped off a building. Again, is this something you can just do in LA? Like, tie yourself to the top of a building with a rope and then just jump the fuck off? Where are the police? Or the Army? Or Batman or whatever?

What actually happens is not even close to “free fall.” ABC just lowered them to the ground really fast. With a decelerator something. Not that cool. In fact, I tried to figure out what the fuck they just used to do this, and it’s basically a Batman device. Just google “decelerator climbing line”. You’ll see. 

Now that we’ve had a lovely day lowering ourselves off of tall buildings, I wonder what we have planned for the night after. They don’t show anything happening in between day and night, so I’m just going to assume they had lots of weird sex.

So we cut to the little wine/couch/blanket session that the contestants always have, and she tells a story about this time she was in Las Vegas with her dad, and basically wanted to go zip lining but they told her it was against the law to allow disabled people to participate, and she started to cry. Luckily for us, ABC takes a far more liberal attitude towards “the law” than the city of Las Vegas, Nevada. Think about that. You can do pretty much anything in Las Vegas. Didn’t you guys see that movie where those guys rufied each other?

At this point in the night I had to take a timeout to do some real work for my real job.  I drank more wine. A lot more. And I took my shirt off. I don’t know.

Sarah got the rose. 

So here’s the group date for this episode: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Danielle, Catherine, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra.

The ladies pile into the limo. There are mimosas. Tierra (that girl with that stupid finger-tattoo) is real bitchy to everyone. Katie the yoga instructor has some sort of wild animal nesting on her head.

They roll up to this big-ass house-castle thing. Sean strolls out to the balcony, and does his best modeling face. Selma says “It’s like Prince charming standing there, waiting to save me….he’s so dreamy…looks so handsome…” I mean come on. It’s so clear that you are too desperate for this show. I will congratulate you on your fantastic breasts, but as soon as Sean gets over them, he’s putting you in a limousine/helicopter/jetpack home.

It’s a photo shoot, and apparently they are posing for covers for “Harlequin novels.” I had to rely on my computer’s spell-check to get that right. Aren’t those the mommy-porn ones? The winner gets to appear on 3 real book covers. The girls are excited. I would be mortified. I thought those were the books that were embarrassing to be seen reading? Especially to be FEATURED ON THE FRONT COVER. They excited, though, and also seem to know what Harlequin means. I can’t get over how much that crazy ’50 Shades of Grey’ girl would have LOVED to be here and be on the front of a mommy-porn novel.

Tierra and her finger-tat are already talking shit. Tierra says no to hair extensions because she is “au naturale.”Nice French, babe, I knew you were a classy bitch. Yep, everyone hates her. But to be fair, my roommates are basically screaming about how great her boobs look right now.

Lesley’s photo shoot. Sean likes Lesley. I do too. She’s cool. And attractive. And the photog makes them kiss on the lips. WOW, EVERY OTHER GIRL IS SO FUCKING PISSED. Tierra looks like she is about to curb stomp them all. All these bitches hate each other already. Tierra hates everyone, and America hates Tierra.

Now Kristy’s turn, who is an actual model. She’s obviously going to win the MODELING CHALLENGE.

Yeah, she’s working it. Wow. Like really, WOW. My world is changed. He is SO into it. I’m so into it. My roommates are so into it.

Tierra is most definitely not into it. I will say, though, that this really isn’t fair. This is what Kristy does this for a living. I think the next challenge should be a personal organizing contest, or a graphic design contest, or maybe even an “aspiring actress” contest so that everyone else can use their professional skills too.

Kristy wins the book covers. Obviously. She’s pumped about it. I don’t know why, because there’s no way that will be good for her career.

Tierra: “I don’t wanna play dress-up. I’m here for Sean.” Bitch, you have GOT to chill. Just calm down play dress-up for a little bit, my goodness.

Sean suggests that after all this excitement, they go back to the bachelor headquarters for a pool party. They go back and then clearly forget to have a pool party.

Sean takes some alone time with Lesley, who is definitely my favorite at this point.  She’s attractive, she’s blonde and she’s cool. Am I falling for her? GET AWAY FROM HER SEAN!!!

SEAN’S TRYING TO GO FOR THE KISS. HE SAYS SHE’S TOO NERVOUS. No kiss. She’s frustrated. He’s frustrated too. He wanted to kiss her. I want to kiss her. “I’m a traditional, southern girl.”. Oh. My. God.

At the last minute, Lesley plants a kiss on him and says “I wanted to leave you with that…” Strong. I like her. A lot.

Now it’s Kacie’s turn for a date. She looks WAY skinnier than she used to. All that fame must have gotten to her. Fame = cocaine + Hydroxycut.

Sean tells her: “I had a great time with you when we were in New York.” I actually think I remember this. Some Bachelor(ette) cast members were here for some stupid thing, and some of my friends told me to go try and stalk them out. This, of course, is ridiculous and I didn’t do it. But clearly Sean and Kacie had very good sex for at least 20 minutes.

One bottle of wine down! I’m on a pretty good pace tonight!

Catherine says “I’m vegan but I love the beef!” I assume that means penis. “I want you to know I don’t consume animal products, but I’ll make an exception for your penis.” Ok, noted.

They now cut away to Katie the yoga instructor. She is chillin’ with Kacie B by the snack table. Looks like some fruit, veggies, cheese, etc. LOTS of champagne flutes ready to be used. Katie is absolute CRUSHING some snacks. Good for you, take advantage while you’re still here. Maybe store some leftovers in your hair-nest.

Katie goes to talk to Sean, and she confesses how this whole ordeal is making her so uncomfortable, and it’s “not the right setting for her.” “Honestly, I think I just need to go home.” This is the boldest of strategies-trying to make him convince you to stay. HAHAHAHAHA. Sean is just like: OK WELL LET ME WALK YOU OUT THEN. Wow. He didn’t even TRY. The hair was definitely too much.

Kacie gets the rose for no reason. Kacie gives some bullshit toast about nothing and nobody is amused. Tierra says “I wanted to punch her”. That’s that hate.

The other one-on-one date goes to: Desiree. I like her too.

They’re going to an art gallery, where Sean is going to prank her. I’m actually really pumped for this. I would totally do this if I was The Bachelor. She really has no idea what’s about to happen. “I could be in a jet, I could be in a helicopter again, whatever it is, I’m just happy to be with Sean”. Poor girl clearly thinks she’s flying private to somewhere exotic for free. Oh, buddy.

They walk in to an art exhibit, where they see a $1.5mm piece of art called the “poulet en petit” or something. Google translate tells me this means either “hen” or “soup meat”. So bohemian. I don’t really know what bohemian means. Desiree eventually gets left alone with the art, and someone informs her that “it’s the artist’s response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each glass piece form a church in Chernobyl” Haha, nice. So elitist. Way to sell it.

So they prank her, and it’s was pretty funny, but not that funny. She takes it pretty well. Again, I like her.

Sean says: “Since she took it so well, I’m going to take her back to my place”. Wasn’t aware that was an option. I thought you had to wait until the fantasy suite to bang it out?

I had a whole lot of notes on this date, but not a single one was funny or interesting. She just killed it. She was flawless. He loved it, she loved it, there was a hot tub, and wine/champagne. You get the idea.

Wine update. I’ve fallen behind the pace now. I blame the awkward commercial time allotment. 

Afterwards, Sean comes back to the brothel. Lindsay, the girl who was wearing the wedding dress, is worried because she hasn’t gotten any attention. Yeah, well, the last time you were on national TV, you wore a wedding dress and you were completely shitfaced. You got enough attention to last a lifetime. She seems way less interesting now, though. She should get drunk again and go grab the wedding dress she’s hiding below her bunk.

They all say “I’m here for Sean, I’m not here to make friends.” I’ve decided that if this was me, I would mostly be there to make friends. I would definitely turn down the 1-on-1 for the group date so I could chill with my new bros. I would much rather chill in the pool with my floaties, noodles, and bros. They give you all the alcohol you want. It would be a blast.

Wine update: I’m real drunk. This is so hard.

So here we are at the rose ceremony.

AshLee (organizer), Lindsay (wedding dress), Robyn (hates Tierra), Jackie (???), Lesley M (YES), Selma (boobs), Catherine (Vegan), Kristy (model), Leslie H (???), Tierra (the villain), Taryn (boring), Daniela (roommates favorite), and Amanda (FUCK). 

So only 2 people got eliminated? 10 people got eliminated last episode. This is going to be a loooooong season, folks. Donations to the wine fund are greatly appreciated.

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