In an effort to educate myself on the complexities of TB, I did what I always do when I want to expand my mind–I looked on Wikipedia. Do people realize there have been 16 seasons of TB? That’s unreal. Friends made it 10. Seinfeld hit 9. TB has 16?!? And people are still watching this?
Whatever. On to the “rules.”
25 women, 1 man. Ladies get eliminated in a variety of ways, after which most of them cry. After Bachelor Bro gets down to the “Final Four” (LIKE THE NCAA!) he starts to go on more involved dates to meet the finalists’ parents and other stuff like that. If you’re the last woman standing you win. Maybe the guy proposes to you, but he doesn’t have to. You don’t even get a prize or anything. All this time I thought you won a million bucks or something, but apparently all you get is the pride of winning TB.
Aside from that, it seems like pretty much anything goes. The guy can literally do whatever he wants. He can choose not to propose, he can propose to the runner up (one guy did), or he could probably declare himself gay and propose to the host if he wanted to. According to Wikipedia, in the 15 seasons so far, bachelor bro has never gotten married to the winner. Isn’t the premise of this whole operation for these people to get married? Fine. Don’t care.
On to my version of the rules, for each party involved. Given, I’ve watched two episodes, but this ain’t rocket science.
1. Be good-looking enough that women will watch and wish they were on the show.
2. Be a nice enough guy so that the women watching will want to marry you. The women on the show already do. Let’s be honest, they’re on The Bachelor. Match.com obviously isn’t workout out for them.
3. Be enough of a douche/asshole/pussy to make the show interesting.
Bachelorettes: (like a well-built Carolina basketball team, this crew needs stars, role-players, and walk-ons)
1. Stars: be extreme. Either be a huge bitch, a sweetheart, or a complete nutjob. Do your job, and do it well.
2. Role-players: Fill in the gaps when the stars get edited out. Change up the pace. Do something interesting, if you ever get airtime. Possibly have red hair.
3. Walk-ons: Somebody’s got to get voted off on the first episode.