Episode 3 – I Actually Watched One!

So remember when I said I wasn’t going to watch these episodes in my bed by myself? I lied. I’m doing it right now. It’s that awkward time of the morning where I’m awake but my roommates aren’t, and I don’t want to come out of my room and sit by myself. So time for episode three and a frosty yellow gatorade. Nothing kills a hangover like TB.

As soon as the show opens, they’re riding around San Francisco in a limo drinking wine. I guess I didn’t realize this before, but these girls are probably drunk for the majority of the time they’re on air. If I was a producer, I’d give them plenty of wine too. It’s like WD-40 for the reality TV gears. Also, first impression: Emily looks GOOD.

Aside: Notice that Emily’s name is not in quotes. She is, indeed, a real person, and one with whom I have fallen madly in love over the past ~4 days. She’s a Ph.D. student at UNC-Chapel Hill, my alma mater. She’s also a babe. Therefore, she’s the official TBFM “girl who I like the best.” TBFMGWILTB for short.

I think the best way to do this is to shoot off a series of quick thoughts as I watch this mess. Sorry if this gets long-winded…

They’re scouting out San Francisco as “the place where he lives, and the place where I could live.” Yeah, probably smart to be thinking that way. Maybe you should scout out schools for your kids while you’re at it.

Bachelor Bro is a huge loser. I want to punch him right in the face every time he speaks.

Wow. He has a sister that looks JUST like him. They even have similar haircuts.

He just name dropped Emily to his sister. He called her a science nerd, and said she’s super pretty and funny. Swoon.

Just said the red-head is an accountant and also the best kisser. Role player personified.

“Kacie B” might also get her name taken out of quotes soon. I’m a sucker for a southern accent.

“Rachel” has bangs, and unfortunately I hate her for it. Saw this girl at Bro J’s apparently, as pointed out and obsessed over by my roommate’s girlfriend.

EMILY’S GOT A DATE. Holy shit she is adorable. I might quit writing this right now and go find her. What’s the epidemiology building at UNC? Don’t even really know what epidemiology means, but I love it.

HAHA they’re starting “Courtney” down the bitchy path. She just said that some of these girls are really educated, but “book smart can be a little boring.” Goodness, she’s a bitch. She’s on my bad list.

When Emily shows up for her date, they make both of them do this awkward sort of frolicky-run towards each other? No way this was Emily’s idea.

This ASSHOLE is making my Emily climb up one of the largest suspension bridges in the world, and she doesn’t like heights. Going to kill him.

He says if they can do this, there’s no telling what heights their relationship can go to, or some weird cliche like that. Don’t remember the exact syntax, but you get the idea. He could list cliche as a language skill on his resume. I would give him “proficient.”

Emily is scared. It’s real cute.

He tries to calm her by saying “talk to me Goose.” Instantly implying that he’s Maverick in this situation. Obviously he’s confused, because I’m always Mav. He can be Sundown or something. See you don’t even know who Sundown is. Perfect.

She starts freaking out, he says “I did the only thing I could: I gave her a kiss.” Cue the swirling helicopter camera angle. Cue the inspirational Lion King-style deep drumming music. Now they start absolutely SPEWING cliches. I refuse to repeat them.

OK, Emily, you’re losing points fast, girl. I’m going to assume the producers are making you say this stupid shit. Trying to read way too much into this, as women often (always) do, “A bridge takes two things that aren’t connected and brings them together.” Yes. Yes it does.

Also, just noticed that they gave him a blue hard hat and gave her a pink one. This is so that we, the viewers, can tell them apart. Just like Phil and Lil from the Rugrats.

Now onto the dinner date. More cliches out of Bachelor Bro. I’m going to have to stop writing about cliches because it’s basically the only language he speaks. Clichenglish? Copyright TBFM.

Story from Emily about how she tried online dating. She was matched with her brother. That’s mortifying. If that happened to me, I would retire from the opposite sex just live cats for the rest of my life.

Now they announce the group date. Does everyone get invited to this? I guess not, “Courtney” did not get her name called, and she throws out her best “omg reallyyyyy, does he know I’m a modellllll” eye roll.

Back to the date. Oops, Emily just said something dumb. She said that she wasn’t staring at the rose on the table, but rather it was the rose that was staring at her. It’s ok, minor setback. His response? Great, he didn’t even notice. I agree, she’s worth it. She gets the rose.

Fireworks as they kiss. Ok, it’s really hard not to just bag this whole thing right now. I don’t know if I should have chosen to blog about this show. Whatever, in too deep now. God, I’m only like a quarter of the way through this episode. Maybe Wikipedia was the right way to go.

Ok what they’re about to do is pretty cool. Skiing in the middle of downtown San Fran. If only I had a TV show.

Skiing in bikinis. I’m onboard with this. Plus, they are TERRIBLE skiers. Emily’s not even there, so I’m over this quickly.

He says he crossed something off his “leap” list? What the HELL is that. Sort of like a bucket list I guess, but a “bucket” list at least makes sense (stuff to do before you kick the bucket). Is this stuff to do before you “leap” off of the bay bridge? Before the next “leap” year? This guy.

Next girl gets invited to a date, Bachelor Bro gives her a (presumably) nice necklace to wear, but she’s torn and confused and not sure what she wants, and considers declining. I swear nothing on this show runs smoothly.

Group date starts. Scene opens with a round of shots. Good start. They appear to be at some sort of trendy bar, all by themselves. I guess the way the group date works is he puts all the girls in a central location, and then takes a few of them to go talk alone for a little bit. From now on, the central location will be known as the bullpen.

WOW someone just cut in! Is this how this works? Oh, of course it is. Smart planning by the rules committee. Or the TB commissioner or president or whoever’s in charge of this exercise.

He just said “Kacie, she just sparkles.” God.

“Brittney” is having second thoughts about this. Is she leaving? Probably for the best, she’s not that cute. She confesses this to Emily, and then starts crying. Girls are so dumb. You are CHOOSING to leave and YOU are crying. SO MUCH CRYING.

Haha she just told the bitchy model that she’s leaving, lots of concern there.

Now she’s telling Bachelor Bro that she’s leaving. This is awkward. The girls are like, I really respect her for that. Yeah no shit, you do. That’s just one less face to claw on your way to the million dollar prize.

Bachelor Bro is wearing a vest. Insert your own personal McLovin Aladdin joke.

These girls seem to spend a lot of time lounging around together and getting really cozy. This is a blatant fabrication, because I know for a fact that all these bitches HATE each other. I know they don’t enjoy casually sitting around talking about Bachelor Bro and giggling, while all simultaneously facing the same direction. I’m guessing the directors have about 30 seconds to get that shot before the scene degenerates into raucous hair-pulling and sloppy boxing.

“Lindzi” or “Lindzee” or whatever gets the next date. She is also a babe, so you can put her in the good column if you’re playing along at home. As soon as it is divulged that bitch-model isn’t getting the date, they immediately cut to her saying “see ya later.” The producers are building her character well. I think I get the foreshadowing.

This date is pretty solid, I have to say. Private concert in SF city hall. A little slow dancing, a little make out. Then to a private room at a little restaurant. Then they go play piano together. Women eat that shit UP. This show is making it so hard for the rest of us men to come up with quality shit like this. She gets a rose.

Now they’re all gathered together for a cocktail party. They are immediately pumped full of wine. Bitch-model makes a toast to a drama-free night–so predictable. Bachelor Bro is wearing a skinny tie. -1 point. Drinking a gin & tonic. 0 points.  Red head girl gets the first alone-time thing, and she comes on STRONG. “I think you’re dreamy, i think about you all the time.” That’s an immediate deal breaker for me, but he’s in charge here, so whatever. Then he goes on to say, “you are by far the best kisser here.” I vomited everywhere.

There is now some mystery woman coming to the party. Chantel? Shawntelle? Going with “Shawntelle.” Cute but probably crazy. Am I supposed to know who she is? Probably. She seems to know the host really well. I don’t really understand. Ok it says she’s from “Brad’s Season” so I guess she was on another season?

Now someone is talking shit about “Blakeley” the “stripper” from “Rutherfordton.” “She’s the kind of girl that your boyfriend cheats on you with.” I’m no girl, but I don’t think you want to be that girl.

Bitch-model says some weird thing and goes to find Bachelor Bro for some alone time. My future wife Emily is like WTF. I totally agree, Emily. Emily seems pretty concerned about bitch-model. I hope they fight soon.

Bitch-model is SO WEIRD. They go behind some bookcase that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe back in the day. Right, because marital affairs are fun. Then they go to the roof, where bitch-model asks how much she likes her on a scale of 1-10, and he deflects it like a pro. She then says they will make cute babies together. He deflects again. I don’t know how this guy is so skilled at dealing with absolute psychos, but good for him.

CUE THE DRAMATIC MUSIC. NEW GIRL IS WALKING UP. All the girls are FREAKING OUT. Wow they are so angry at her. What if she’s just a stranger looking for the bathroom or something? They’re being pretty rude, give her a chance?

“Holy shit” says Bachelor Bro. Apparently this is a big deal. Profanity everywhere. People are amazed. Think I saw one of the girls take a picture of her with a camera phone? Nope, false alarm.

Wow they’re really really pissed. Haha Bachelor Bro is laughing in her face. HA SHE IS SUCH A PSYCHO. It’s cool, if anyone can handle this it’s Bachelor Bro. Have to say this is definitely a hail mary for “Shawntelle.”

Oh God. Bachelor Bro needs to take a minute to “collect his thoughts” so he needs to leave “Shawntelle” with a babysitter so she doesn’t break anything or start any drama. Where should we put her?

Oh right. With 15 ravenous wolves in cocktail dresses and four-inch heels.

These women are very direct. Why are you here. What is your reasoning. Love your dress. JK they didn’t say that.

Bit of learning for me here. The way you get on the show is because all these women watched Bachelor Bro on the other show he was on, and are all in love with him and applied. SO creepy.

“I don’t like the bitch.”

“She’s uglier in person. She has thicker thighs than I do. I feel better.”

Apparently “Shawntelle” called the host and was like, is there anything we can dooooo about this? TOO easy, ABC.

Bitch-model is crying because she thinks “Shawntelle” is going to get a rose. If the rules work like this, why wouldn’t you just wait and come to the final rose ceremony? Or just wait until after the show was over? Oh wait, then there’s no show. Well at least we through it through.

So “Shawntelle” is a funeral director. In the midst of the girls babbling about all the hardships in their lives, one of them says “she just comes in on her high hearse, no pun intended, and I’m not OK with it.” Look sweetheart, I don’t know if you know what the word “pun” means, but that pun was intended. Expand your vocabulary and read some more Wikipedia.

So Bachelor Bro calls off the cocktail party. Dejection all around. Does this mean the wine’s gone? No, of course not.

Here we go. Rose ceremony. This is the first one I’ve watched, and I’m excited. Emily looks great. Black dress, great choice. They’ve chosen to put “Shawntelle” right in the middle. Probably just by chance. Voiceover from her that says “all these girls hate me.” Really just speculation from her at this point, I think.

Bitch-model gets called first? This guy’s dumb. She almost doesn’t accept it because she saw him talking with the woman she describes as “whats-her-butt.” Scathing.

Haha “Shawntelle” looks so disappointed. I don’t know what the hell she expected out of this.

Uh oh. One of the girls seems to be getting sick. She’s going to pass out. Calling it now. Bachelor Bro is about to go into a long-winded soliloquy about his feelings. She’s going down soon.

And there it is. Down goes Frazier! She probably locked her knees because she was  trying to look skinny and get that last rose. HA one of the girls asks “are you anemic?”

Multiple girls are blaming this entirely on “Shawntelle” I’m going to say there were probably other factors. She probably hasn’t eaten since she housed that entire cheesecake in the limo on the way to the first episode.

“Erica” is ok, so let’s resume the ceremony. Poor girl is putting on a brave face, but she has no chance of coming back from that. There’s a blond girl that is making the UGLIEST pouty face I have ever seen. Also not helping her case. “Shawntelle” is clearly working on her resume to be on a soap opera. Lots of close-ups, featuring emotional faces. Is she in some sort of different lighting than everyone else? She already looks like she’s in soap opera lighting. I’d look for her to be on an ABC soap opera soon. Someone keep tabs for me and tell me if I’m right.

Bachelor Bro decides not to hand out the final rose. Did not know that was allowed. It appears no one else did either. I guess this goes to show you that you shouldn’t:

a) faint in public

b) make funny faces during crucial periods of judgement

c) be a scheming bitch

Emily update: she still looks great.

“Shawntelle” was confident that she was going to get a rose, and is very confused. I’m confused by her confusion. This seems pretty straightforward to me. She also says that she was not expecting to go home right now. Maybe she’s homeless? Maybe she just wanted a vacation? They’re going to Park City next week, so worth a shot I guess. I like to ski too. All the wine you want, also.

Preview for next week. Oh no, Emily is clearly stepping in the ring against bitch-model. TBFM official opinion is that this is a poor choice. Eyes on the prize. Because there is no prize in this contest, that means eyes on Bachelor Bro. At least she’ll get more airtime, which I’m happy about.

Last thing. Showing some deleted scenes with the girl who fainted. She has a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip that says “amore” and she has to get re-done every six months. Yep, that explains it.

So that’s episode three. This was a huge waste of my time, but oh well, it’s done. Episode 4 review coming soon, maybe tomorrow.

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