Episode 5

Episode 5 – Puerto Rico

Again, this is a wikipedia-fueled post, so please forgive the fact that there are no facts.

Puerto Rico. Another awesome locale. Why do they have that big mansion back in California if they never even use it? My guess is that they’re already using it to shoot seasons 17and 18.

“Nicki” gets the first date. Oh boy, did wikipedia nail this one. Let’s take it in small, digestible bites. 

“They took a helicopter tour and planned to walk on the streets of Old San Juan where Ben bought her a shaved ice, but it started raining.” Nice of him to buy her a sno-cone. It’s the least Bachelor Bro can do since he’s only taken her to Napa Valley, San Francisco, Park City, and Puerto Rico so far. The rain does intrigue me, though. Why wouldn’t they just wait and re-shoot? Was she wearing a white t-shirt or something?

“Once the rain stopped, they went shopping for new clothes and watched a wedding.” So the rain was on purpose. It was definitely the cute “Oh no! We’re caught in the rain and we need to go find shelter! But there’s only this small space! We need to hold each other tenderly in order to stay dry!” Isn’t there a big rain scene in The Notebook? Textbook work from ABC. Then they made them watch a wedding? No way it was real. ABC probably paid a total of like $100 to get a whole crowd of locals to fake it. Also textbook.

“Since Nicki is divorced, she told Ben on her previous marriage, meaning they aren’t ready to start their relationship and received a rose.” Perfection.

Group date for “Blakely, Casey S., Courtney, Emily, Jaime, Jennifer, Kacie B., Lindzi C., and Rachel.” Bachelor Bro decides to take them to play a little baseball. That’s what they do all day in Puerto Rico, because they are born as tremendous middle infielders. They were probably turning double plays before I could walk. “Lindzi” gets picked play both ways. Wikipedia says “Blakely and Courtney gave captains in each team.” Maybe this entry was written by wikipedia’s Puerto Rican correspondent.

I have to say, these are great choices for captains, and I applaud the producers for their choice. Bitch-model’s team wins, and they get to continue on the group date. I think I remember someone called “Blakeley” a stripper during the game. Classic. I also seem to remember that Emily was AWESOME. I too am awesome at baseball, and I almost hit a home run one time when I was 11. Just one more thing in common between myself and TBFMGWILTB (The Bachelor For Men Girl Who I Like The Best). Unfortunately, team “Courtney” wins (sorcery) and Emily’s team has to go back to the hotel. I have no idea what happens on the rest of the date, but “Kacie B.” gets the rose.

“Elyse” gets the 1-on-1 date. At this point is sort of remember what was going on. I think she’s the representative from Jersey. Actually, no, wikipedia says she’s from Chicago. Well, she’s a personal trainer and she’s orange, so I’ll let you decide where you think she’s from. Bachelor Bro takes her on a ballin-ass yacht, which I remember me and all my roommates being very jealous of. Must be pretty easy if you have a yacht. They end up on a beach with a little dinner set up, with the yacht gleaming in the distance. I think I was still pretty focused on the yacht and I don’t really remember what they talked about, but wikipedia says she quit her job and missed her bff’s wedding to come on the show. That’s a shame, because I think it’s pretty hard to break into the personal training game. You have to have A LOT of workout clothes.

Anyway, he doesn’t like something she said and DOES NOT give her a rose. Color me surprised. I thought it was more of a formality to give out a rose on these things. Now it gets awkward, at least from my perspective. They’re on a little island by themselves. They got to the island via a little dingy, which is a package deal with the yacht. There’s not a lot of escape options here. It’s like that puzzle where you have to get the grain, the chicken, and the wolf across the river but you only have one boat. I’d say that “Elyse” is now the wolf and will eat Bachelor Bro if they’re ever on the same boat again. Smartly, Bachelor Bro has her removed from the island via the zodiac, while he stays behind and “thinks” or whatever. I can only assume that they just made her ride all the way back to the US in that thing, while he rode back to the hotel on the yacht while drinking champagne in the hot tub.

When Bachelor Bro gets back to his room, with his little ring-bearer clip-on bowtie hanging unclipped around his neck, bitch-model is waiting for him with some booze and a couple of glasses. I don’t remember what she said, but it was creepy and he was pretty surprised. She was basically hiding in the shadows right outside his room. She is also wearing a robe. She suggests they go for a walk on the beach. Wine is consumed, and they go skinny dipping. Bachelor Bro is visibly holding his junk while he frolicks into the water, which is a weak move. Into the ocean for a little makeout and probably a little extra-curricular activity, but I can only assume that last part, because there was no underwater camera in place (next time, ABC). By the way, this has got to be cheating. You can’t just go get the guy drunk and then get him naked and probably bang him in the ocean. There’s NO way that’s fair. We men aren’t smart enough to resist these kind of advances.

The cocktail party was after this I think, and the big event here was that again, Emily is complaining about “Courtney”. She gets some alone time with Bachelor Bro, and at first she apologizes for being so obsessed about the bitch-model, and she promises to leave it alone. She then chooses to continue obsessing about bitch-model in great detail. Emily, you know I love you, but this is probably strike two. The million bucks are on the line, and I don’t know if I can commit to our relationship if you can’t support me financially.

“Jennifer” is eliminated at the ceremony, and of course “Elyse” is probably somewhere off the coast of Cuba en route for a rendesvous with the Miami-Dade Marine Patrol. Once again, Emily is the last name called. Girl, I swear if you get kicked off and make me look dumb in front of my readers…I’ll get over it immediately and invite you to NYC and take you on a date.

THERE! Finally caught up. No promises for the live blog, because it starts before I usually get home, and it’s also two hours long (WHY???). But I DVR’ed it, so I’ll be watching unless one of my roommates sees it and cancels it first.

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