Episode 6

Welcome to beautiful Panama City! No, not the trashy one in Florida. Bitch-model says she’s excited to be there, and ALREADY says she wants to go skinny dipping here. Gotta own it, I guess.

“Kacie B.” gets the first date. Didn’t she already have one one of these recently? Can’t remember. ANOTHER helicopter date. This is getting redundant. He wants to take her on another date so he can see if those feelings from the last date are still there. The feelings from like last week. Whatever, dude. Going to another deserted island. Seriously. I’ve seen this already. He told her to pack 3 things, so I’m curious what she brought.

She brought a stuffed monkey, a corkscrew, and candy. He brought a machete, a fishing net, and matches. How were women not extinct a long time ago?

Now they’re trying to chop down trees, fish with the net, and do other necessary island chores. He looks so clueless. He may have just used the wrong end of the machete to try and cut open a coconut. At least he’s sensitive and thoughtful and open about his feelings.

He says “If we can accomplish something like this together, we can accomplish anything.” Something like what? You cut open a coconut. You caught one fish. You started a shitty little fire. The fish looked gross anyway.

Second part of the date, they go dinner somewhere. HOLY SHIT THIS GUY SUCKS. He’s looking forward to “diving in deep” tonight. I doubt he got the double meaning. Everyone in my apartment laughed.

Wait WTF he’s crying now? Am I imagining that? Maybe. Maybe? She was just talking about going to the grocery store or something. Christ.

“Blakeley” and “Rachel” are left out of the group date, which means they get the 2-on-1 date. That’s a shitty deal. The other girls think it’s a shitty deal too. “Blakeley” is trying to make it seem like she just won the county fair beauty contest. She’s obviously not that excited, but she pretends she is to try and make the other girls jealous. It doesn’t work in the slightest.

“Kacie B.” is a babe. IF Emily gets kicked off, she might be the replacement. She eventually accepts a rose, and says “on a scale of 1 to wonderful, today was fantastic.” I’ll let it slide.

Group date. Oh God, now they’re going to a tribal village or something. Bitch-model is apparently going to show her tits to everyone. Shocker. Emily is apparently going to talk shit about her. Also shocking. I could write this show in my sleep. They show him piloting a boat down a river in the rainforest. Like he does this all the time. Sure. The winemaker from San Francisco. One girl says it’s hot that Bachelor Bro is such a “man’s man”. She references him driving the boat. LOOK, GIRL. THIS GUY IS ON THE BACHELOR ON ABC. NO MEN WATCH THE BACHELOR! Shit.

Starts raining. I like where this is going. Bitch-model instantly says “I’m soo wet!” I think the writers may be overdoing her character a bit. It’s predictable.

Bunch of little kids playing soccer in loin cloths on the side. There’s no way this is real. They jump in the water after their ball. The girls love it. They get off to go play with them. They run away and they find a village. They seem very friendly and non-violent. Really? Haven’t you ever seen Indiana Jones? Central American natives are SUPER violent. Oh they just gave the camera man a necklace.

They are taking them into huts for something. I assume for ritual sacrifice. Turns out the women are going to show each other their boobs. Could be fun. Oh, no, they’re just changing into tribal wear. Yep, bitch-model gets naked first. They’re blurring this, but I don’t know that anything is really showing. Emily is amazed. “Classy, right?” says Emily. Bitch-model is shaking her tits around for everybody. She then says the beads are cold then points to her nipples.

Bachelor Bro comes out wearing a loin cloth. I look better than that in my loin cloth. I think he notices “Courtney’s” nipples. He says “I appreciate that in more than one way.” Wow Bachelor bros thighs are really white. He was obviously not in a southern frat. They are getting their bodies painted. Courtney wrote B + C = heart on his back. Emily is already pissed about that. Cool it girl, we get it. Seriously, I think the producers are pointing this shit out to her before they tell “Courtney” to do it, just so they’re ready with the cameras. But at least other girls get it now too.

Now to the debrief thing. Emily looks great. “Lindzi” looks good too. Oops, Lindzi tells him that she’s already cried about their relationship. She also says she’s struggling with the fact that her boyfriend has a lot of other girlfriends. Awk. This whole show is apparently about “opening up”. I could do that in the first episode and tell the girl WAY more than she ever wanted to know about me. For example, when I was 8 one of my friends tricked me into eating dog treats. I ate like 10 of them too. See? No secrets here. Emily feel free to call me about that date at any time.

Blakely and Rachel going on the 2-on-1 now. 2 girls, one rose. BATTLE ROYALE. FIGHT TO THE DEATH. This is quality shit.  “Courtney” and Bachelor Bro go away to talk, and she makes sure that the other girls know that “she’s being stolen away”. She says it like 3 times. Emily drops a quick remark about how she’s a slut and stuff.

What? Bachelor Bro’s telling her NOT to stop being a bitch to the other women? Because he likes that quality about her? Producers definitely told him to say this. Slid him some cash under the table, I think. She then invites him over to her room for some late night. Are the cameras going in on this? Ok that’s pretty slutty. If I had to guess, she’s going to lie and say she’s on birth control, and then get herself pregnant just to win by default.

One of the girls hasn’t kissed him yet? Girl, you have NO chance. Do you have any idea what bitch-model just offered this guy? You are SO behind. Well, she’s just going to go for it. Uh oh, ominous music. Bitch-model is walking up and taking her clothes off and getting in the pool. Right behind this little private date thing. This poor prude girl. This is so awkward.  “Courtney” is just walking back and forth in the pool in her bikini with a glass of wine. What is this?

Understandably, he can’t really focus on the girl who’s not in the bikini. In his defense, she does look pretty good in it. Homegirl can’t pull the trigger on the makeout because of bitch-model, and no kisses are had.

Emily’s up next. YES. Ben thinks that she’s done with “Courtney” bullshit. But ,oh God, she has something to get off her chest. No way. You cannot be serious Emily.

Oh, it’s not that. There’s another man in her life! She can’t deny it any longer! I knew it! Emily! You’re reading the blog! I’ll book my flight to Chapel Hill right now! We can elope! I’ll tell my parents!

The man is the chief. Of the tribe. It was a joke.

As distraught as I am, that was pretty good. I might still book that flight. Emily seems to be over the “Courtney” thing, and goes to apologize to her. “Courtney” says “I had lost all respect for you, not gonna lie.” Of course this wouldn’t go smoothly. Emily is crushed by this exchange. Poor Emily. Call me, let’s talk about it.

Bachelor Bro walks over at a really awkward time. Nice one producers. “Lindzi” gets taken away to get the rose. “Courtney” is just making all sorts of faces. She seems proud of herself for making Ben feel special, and she wants a “reward” and wants him to come to her room. She’s putting on makeup in preparation for the sex. She says the guys she dates like her in the beginning and then don’t like her. Yeah that’s because you’re a psycho bitch, sweetheart.  No dice. He never showed. Strong move on his part.

Here comes the 2-on-1 date. Win or go home. My prediction is the “stripper” sluts it up via the “Courtney” method. I expect this to degenerate into a wrestling match. A sexy one. Ben says he’s stressed about the whole thing. I don’t know, this seems like a pretty good deal, to have lots of attractive women fawning over you. Maybe that’s just me.

They’re going to dance a little salsa. They seem to have been given alcohol as soon as they walk in the door. Perfect. The instructor just told “Blakeley” that salsa is “most importantly, sexy”. Ball game. I can see it on her face. She knows what that means. Her dress is coming off.  This is a tough one for Rachel. They both suck at the dancing by the way. They still haven’t evolved past the basic step. Her bangs look shitty. “Blakeley” says she’s a better dancer than Rachel. Then she says salsa is “sensual, sexual, and that’s what I’m good at.” Yep.

“Rachel” is complaining that “Blakeley” is using her sexuality, and she doesn’t know why she’s doing that. That’s why you’re going to lose this date “Rachel”. You have to have learned that men like sex by now.

Now they have to have dinner together. Roommates are HOWLING about how gay this guy is. Yeah, I know, I know. Par for the course.

Haha “Blakeley” is crying and saying she really wanted a 1-on-1. OMG SHE MADE HIM ARTS AND CRAFTS. IT’S A COLLAGE. NO WAY. THIS WOMAN IS 34 YEARS OLD. Roommate says he got one of these from his sixth grade girlfriend.

RACHEL GETS THE ROSE. HELL YES. GO BACK TO RUTHERFORDTON BITCH. She storms out. Yep, just run out in a Central American country. That’s a good idea. I guess it didn’t really impress him that you spent 10 hours cutting out pictures from magazines and glue-sticking them to some construction paper. Weird that he didn’t want to get married to that. And, you’re a stripper. From Rutherfordton.

Here comes the serious news. Host pulls “Casey S.” aside for a serious talk. I wonder what this is? Maybe she’s only 16? Maybe she tested positive for performance enhancing drugs?

The big news is that she has a boyfriend. This is way less important than I thought it was. Oh, so they were totally in love and then he didn’t want to get married. So she obviously just came here to force his hand. She’s telling the host that she doesn’t WANT to be in love with her EXISTING BOYFRIEND but she still is. WTF is wrong with you. If you want to be here, just say you aren’t in love with him. This is an awesome vacation. This is so dumb. Is she getting paid for this?

NOW THEY’RE MAKING HER TO TALK TO BEN? SO awkward. Oh, the cameras are already in his room. Right. He’s definitely in the loop here. This is so stupid. She’s just here because she wants to get married. To anyone. She’s crying a lot. Women are so obsessed with getting married. Ben tells her to GTFO.

Comment from roommates: this is hypocritical. She gets kicked off for sort of liking one other guy. He is actively dating like 10 other women who are all living together.

Anyhow, needs a moment to stare out at the sea. She is crying to the host. He then changes his pose to stare at a different part of the sea.

Ok, got it. Let’s move onto the cocktail party so I can see how good Emily looks.

Emily’s looked better.

Another dumb cocktail party. These have to be getting old. There’s not even any grinding going on. “Jamie” kind of looks like Blake Lively. She needs to at least kiss this guy. She’s talking about how she’s a big prude. Now she says she has a surprise for him. Oh yeah? Surprise me.

Ok, yeah she surprised me. What is this move? She’s going for the straddle-makeout. She’s talking too much. He just said “this is A-ok”. This is SO awkward. These people are not smooth at all. No wonder they had to be on a TV show for them to hook up. They are having in-depth discussions about their hookup. She’s really trying to make sure he knows that she is willing to bang him eventually. She is going into so much detail here. Like, ok, you start with your mouth closed, then we’ll open our mouths. Yep, got it. He says he’s nervous, but she says it’s ok because they’ll plan it all out and it’ll go off without a hitch. I’m turned on

Now she says we’re going to explore? Is she going to grab his dick? Haha he’s laughing. I knew he couldn’t hold it for that long. This is so comical. She tried to prove that she wasn’t a prude, but she pretty much confirmed that she was.

On to the rose ceremony. Jamie is so toast. You need to go repeat 7th grade and fool around on the back of the field trip bus. Here comes his speech. Something about trust. This is like some shit out of Barney, a new theme every week. As usual, Emily is in the bottom two. Thank God for that awkward girl’s terrible hookup skills. Emily is safe. Third week in a row she was the last name called. This is unsustainable.

Heading to Belize next. This is a sick tour. Down to 6 women, and apparently this is the week leading up to hometowns? Whatever that means. Lead-in for next week wants me to think that Bachelor Bro suddenly catches on to “Courtney’s” bitchy ways and has a talk with her. Right, I don’t buy it. I’ll have to watch next week and see.

Deleted scene for this week is Emily rapping something she wrote about their week in Panama. I’m not a huge fan of this. Normally I’m very supportive of anything she does, but this I think I could do without. It’s ok, I also had a phase where I wrote raps. I even auto tuned them on my laptop. Seriously, you can do it on Garageband on a mac pretty easily. Emily, I’ll show you on our date.

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