Episode 4

Ok kiddos, playing a little catch-up here. Unfortunately I devoted my Sunday to the Super Bowl (sorry) so no time for TB. This means two things for you:

1) I didn’t post yesterday, and thus your Sunday was lifeless and unfunny.

2) I’m forced to review these next two episodes via Wikipedia from the office so I can get on pace for tonight’s show.

Word from some of you guys is that the last post was too long. I get that, and I’ll adjust accordingly in the future. I know you have more important things to do with your time than me. So with that, let’s get it on.

Episode 4 – Park City, Utah

Actually, before I start, a note about the wikipedia entry for TB season 16. It’s like it was written by 12-year old girls who have all clearly picked which team they are on, and NOT ONE of them has picked #teamemily. Regardless, there are some literary gems in there that should not go unrecognized, so I’ll pull them out for you where appropriate.

Date 1 is “Rachel” who I’m pretty sure is the one with the bangs that I saw at the bar that one time. They take a helicopter ride to a lake, and then take a canoe ride, then eat a picnic. Probably wouldn’t be my first choice of date, because I’d feel bad about making the girl row my fat ass around in circles, and then watching me eat my sandwich. 5 bucks* says she ate a salad with dressing on the side.

*as per my employer’s new compensation rules, all cash payouts will be capped at $0, and will also be deferred over 3 years.

First wiki-gem. According to this particular wikipedia author/middle school field hockey star, “they kissed, but they had average chemistry.” I’m not sure how the chemistry scale works for you ladies, but I haven’t really kissed many people who I have “average” chemistry with. I would say I have “average” chemistry with, say, my dry cleaner. We have not yet kissed.

“Rachel” gets a rose. Guess “average” chemistry is good enough for Bachelor Bro. He really doesn’t really have that many non-psychotic marriage options left, though (like 15 by now, I think).

Group date is “Courtney, Lindzi C., Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Blakeley, Casey S., and Samantha.” Probably pulling for “Lindzi” and “Kacie” here, but their mis-spelled names are holding them back from being truly great, hence they are still in quotes. To their credit, though, that’s the only reason I remember them. I can only hope “Courtney” aka bitch-model and “Blakely” the “stripper” from “Rutherfordton” start to become tremendous friends and align themselves into one super-bitch, much like the Power Rangers would often combine to form MegaZord.

Here’s the wikipedia synopsis of this date. This is verbatim. “They traveled to a range horse back trail, rode on horseback to a river for fly fishing to catch their lunch, Ben is a good fly fisherman.” Reminds me of the SAT verbal section where you have to correct the sentence. I “don’t test well” (read: I’m not that smart), so I don’t know how to fix this calamity, but I know it’s wrong.

Glad Bachelor Bro is a good fly fisherman. He better be if he wants to feed all these lady tagalongs. Sort of wish I could have watched this one, because I’m sure bitch-model said all sorts of dumb and enjoyable things. Again, willing to wager that lots of salad-with-dressing-on-the-side was consumed.

WTF, bitch-model got the rose? This is ridiculous. How is she pulling this off? Is she a sorceress?

“Jennifer” gets to go on a date next. I have literally NO idea who she is or what she looks like, and that does not bode well for her chances to win the million bucks. According to wikipedia, “They rappelled 300 feet (91 m) into a cave and swam, then they attended a Clay Walker concert.” This is a SWEET date in my book. Mostly because I love country music and it doesn’t get enough love on mainstream television, but the rappelling sounds cool too. If Clay Walker was in the cave, then point values are doubled. If you got rid of the girl added like 6 bros and a couple cases of (YOUR NAME HERE, OFFICIAL TBFM BEER SPONSOR) you’d have a quality bro-down. All bros get roses. Broses.

Anyway, she got a rose. I’m starting to think you have to really shit the bed to not get a rose on a 1-on-1 date. Maybe it’s just really awkward to not give one, because then you’re just alone in a cave or on a lake or something. Whatever, on to the cocktail party, where I’ve learned all the real action goes down. Hope it doesn’t dissapoint.

Oh God. Emily vs. bitch-model. I think I remember them showing this in the preview from last episode? The wikipedia gets really confusing with names and people picking sides and I don’t really know what’s going on in the first place, so I apologize if I get this analysis completely wrong. Apparently Emily tells Bachelor Bro that bitch-model is here for the wrong reasons. It’s clear to me that Emily, like myself, thinks there is a million dollar prize for winning. See, just one more thing we have in common. Our relationship is really heating up!

Anyway, I’m sure there is a lot of reality TV gold during this segment, but it probably would have just made me mad anyway. I’m going to conclude that Emily won, and just move on with my life.

“Samantha” and “Monica” get kicked off. It seems “Samantha” got kicked off during the group date? Where where you on that one wikipedia? See how dumb I look now? Get your shit together.

Ok, wikipedia, I forgive you. This is great: “Ben asked Samantha to leave during the cocktail party because he didn’t see a future for them together.” That’s a pretty swift letdown. I hope there was more nuance and lyricism than that, Bachelor Bro. My best guess for the rejection speech is as follows: “It’s not you, it’s me… well no sorry it is you, because the format of the contest forces me to eliminate women based on their performance, which is usually unrelated to me in most facets of the game. Thus, because I’m ending your candidacy, I don’t see a future for us together.”

Emily is the last name called, which means her figurative nuts are on the chopping block. There can be only one logical reason for this: bitch-model is fellating every male decision maker on this show, including Bachelor Bro, host, and all producers, and is generally using her witchcraft to ruin everything. She is now public enemy number 2, after Austin Rivers, of course.

The end. SUCK ON THAT RIVERS!

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