Episode 7 – Belize

Episode 7 – Belize

Note: I have gone back and re-edited this the day after. As promised, I did drink two bottles of wine, and by the end of the show I could barely see my computer screen and/or form coherent thoughts. I thought it best to just copy and paste what I had written and sent it to my work email. I realized this morning that this entry is “laced with” (read: completely full of) profanity and crude references to penises, etc. I don’t know where you work, but my work is generally not cool with this type of thing. Anyway, I left most of the content the same, so you guys can see how I went from 0 to 2 bottles in 1 episode of The Bachelor. The progression is pretty obvious.

Open to Bachelor Bro flying around on a plane in Belize. There are 6 women left, and 2 will be cut this week. This does not bode well for dear Emily.

Wow, they have a SICK Belize pad. Also, Emily’s hair looks better when it’s blowing softly in the island breeze.

The first date card is quickly given to Lindzi. She’s definitely a front-runner here. Instant cut-away to another girl crying. Unprovoked. Is this the way this show is gonna be now?

Aside: Do these girls get back to the real world and tell people: “I just got out of a really serious relationship. My boyfriend cheated on me like 16 other women…” Probably.

Oh HI Emily in bikini.

Emily misses Bachelor Bro, and then says this feels like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake, and then it was stolen from her, but this cheesecake talks and his name is Bachelor Bro. Emily, you know where they have excellent cheesecake? Yeah, right near my apartment in NYC. Let’s talk.

Another helicopter date?. Seriously. My roommates think that these women are not in love with Bachelor Bro, but rather in love with helicopter dates. Honestly, I would probably fall for that too. Helicopters are awesome.

Bachelor Bro is taking her to a place called the blue hole. My roommates laugh. We are 10 year olds. The blue hole is some sort of atoll or ocean formation that’s apparently very deep. Just FYI.

They will now be jumping out of the helicopter into the blue hole. Calling it now, he will probably later say that this is somehow a metaphor for their love.

Lindzi’s scared, and Bachelor Bro is surprised. Yeah no shit, jumping out of helicopters into foreign waters is pretty scary. They say something to the effect of: “just like a relationship, you can be scared, but you have to be there for each other. He’s worth the fall.” Lindzi stepping up with the cliche on this one. Didn’t expect that; most interesting plot twist so far.

In an aside, Lindzi says “holy shitballs!” Respect for that. After they jump, they’re just swimming in place, in the blue hole, by themselves. Tread-water-for-2-hours-date? How romantic. Oh, no, a boat suddenly appeared. I assume they get on.

Oh, of course, back to the metaphor of how jumping out of a helicopter is like falling in love. If you do it together, etc. etc. Blah blah I stopped paying attention. You can make it up for yourself.

Later that night, they’re on a different boat, with candles floating around in the water. Another thing women are suckers for. Candles floating in water. Good one Bachelor Bro.

Lindzi looks kind of orange in this episode. But mostly around her face, and not the rest of her. Interesting. Didn’t remember this from before.

Bachelor Bro mentions that there are no roses this week? Does that mean face-to-face rejections? Oh boy.

Oh God. I can tell by the music that something REALLY dumb is about to happen. He gets out a pen, paper, and a bottle. Commentary from my roommates – “Oh God, this is painful.” They’re going to write a message in a bottle. Lindzi wants to write stories on it, a funny one one side, a serious one on the other side. “Just like our relationship, the best of both worlds!” God, can’t believe he actually said that. Well, actually yeah I can. She’s really going all in on this new cliché-delivery role.

Christ, this “story” they write is absurd. If Bachelor Bro had any male friends before this, they definitely aren’t his friends after this story is read aloud. I’m not repeating it, but it’s about a prince and a princess. You can probably guess what their names are. They end the story with “an eternal promise to be open and truthful” and shit. Unbelievable.

Aside: Roommates are suggesting that there be a “sex week”. Probably either the week before or the week after the meet-the-parents week. 1-on-1 sex dates and group sex dates. Now we are 14-year olds.

EMILY GETS A ONE-ON-ONE! YES! LET’S GO! The card reads “Do you belize in love?” My roommate screams “I do! I do!”

Upon hearing that Emily got the date, Courtney says she wants to kill herself and this is her worst nightmare and starts to cry. Are you serious? You are a model for a living. Your “job” is to stand around and make faces for a camera. Your life is not difficult. I have literally zero respect for you and you are one of the few people in life that I legitimately dislike (also, Austin Rivers), and we have never even met. For all I know you are a fictional character and don’t even exist, and I still hate you. Fine, whatever, I’m sure the producers will keep you around until the final episode anyway.

Bring on the Emily date. She gets to ride in a plane somewhere. As she arrives in the plane, they show Bachelor Bro on the ground. He ducks as the plane flies ~50 feet over his head. Daring.

He’s wearing a v-neck, and NOT as an undershirt.

They will be riding bikes as, he wants this to be a care-free date. He then says the words “easy peasy.” Last time I heard that I was being taught how to tie my shoes for the first time. Unfortunately, Emily appears to be wearing sandals, so this reference seems misguided. We’ll see how this critical error in judgement plays out for him (hint: it will be woefully overlooked).

They are wandering around a strange village in Belize, where stop to play a little basketball with the locals. The locals do not murder them. Interesting. They must have paid these two native guys A LOT of coconuts not to stab Bachelor Bro and steal the pretty blonde girl. They cut away from the basketball scene pretty quick, which is dissapointing to me. I was hoping that, seeing as Emily attented both UNC and Duke, they would at least play 1-on-1 for a few minutes. Then, Emily would embarrass Bachelor Bro with her mid-range jumper. Whatever, I guess even Emily isn’t perfect.

They stop by a dock to try and get some lobsters for dinner, but the (again, non-violent and fluent in English) local says he’s sold them all already. Calling it – they are going to go dive for lobsters together. Yep, they spontaneously are allowed to go dive for lobsters. On this complete stranger’s boat. She then says something to the effect of, “the thing that I love about Bachelor Bro is that he’s so spontaneous.” Him being “spontaneous” is such an blatant and extravagant farse. It’s beautiful, really. Way to go producers.

They aren’t very good at catching these lobsters. He gets one, but she’s having trouble. She’s not even close. Are there any other options for dinner? PB&J? Oh no wait a lobster just magically appeared in her hand. Yep, they definitely just handed her that one.

On to some dancing at a local bar. Emily looks pretty good. I’m only half a bottle of wine deep so far, too. At dinner, she extends Bachelor Bro a formal invitation to meet her parents. The peanut gallery thinks this is a strong move, and I agree. Southern charm.

Just got a work email on my blackberry. Nearly threw it against the wall. This is getting serious.

Cut away to Courtney. She says if she doesn’t get what she wants this week, she won’t accept the rose. She probably doesn’t realize that there aren’t any roses this week. It’s ok, you don’t have to pay attention to the rules if you’re a “model.”

Aside: most of these women are like 26-27. Is that the age most women start freaking out and try to get married? Seems young. They all still look good enough to go around and find real boyfriends who don’t suck as much.

Courtney gets the next date. Way to go producers. Of course she is a huge bitch to the others about it. Cue girls crying.

Kacie B. – “that [bleeping] bitch!”

Kacie B. is now my 2nd favorite.

Wow Kacie B. is talking A LOT of shit. Respect. She’s also 24, which is definitely within striking distance for me. Might have to go back and re-watch the entire season to get to know her a little better. Uh oh, think that’s the wine talking.

Now to a new location. They bring her in on a plane. Of course. These people fly EVERYWHERE.

They walk around the jungle a little bit, and find some Mayan ruins. HOLY SHIT I JUST SAW OLMEC FROM LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE. He’s just staring at them with his mouth wide open. I know, bro, this show is pretty bad.

They “find” a HUGE temple/pyramid. Bachelor Bro voiceover says, “we just found this Mayan temple!” Yeah, you definitely just found this thing. Whoa! Courtney look at the giant pyramid! How did that helicopter right above us not see this huge pyramid? How did those cameramen not see it either? I’m so spontanenous!

So they throw down a blanket to chill at the temple for a bit. She instantly starts the date by complaining about her day yesterday, and how she hated that he took Emily on a date. Again, I don’t think she is paying attention to the rules of this game. Does she realize he’s been taking other girls on dates this entire time?

This date is literally just her complaining about how hard this is for her, and how she’s not really feeling Bachelor Bro any more. Interesting strategy-telling him she doesn’t like him any more. Let’s see how it works out for her (hint: the producers will ensure that it works).

Oh God. They’re climbing the pyramid. Here it comes. The cliche analogy. Each step towards new heights, etc. You have to see this coming too, TBFM readers.

Yep, there it is. Boom goes the dynamite. Each step is a new step in their relationship. Reaching new heights. etc. etc. This shit is weird.

Wine update: I’m definitely behind the pace. Didn’t account for lost time fast-forwarding through commercials. Pace increased. Buckle up kids.

I can’t stop thinking of her in that Caesar’s Palace commercial she was in, trying to bang that random dude. Why does he want to marry this woman?

I want to kick him right in the nuts.

She then says something about how no man has ever asked her father for permission to marry her, and she doesn’t want to put her dad through that if it’s not going to work. She definitely just jumped the gun a little bit with that one. He’s a little freaked out.

Oh, no he’s completely cool with it. He says “I saw past, present, and future at the top of the temple. I pictured her in my life. I had a crazy moment of clarity.”

This is grade-A bullshit. I know a good friend of mine who has the ability to spew bullshit just like this to women, and they completely eat it up. It’s one of the finest talents I have ever witnessed. In the interest of preserving his God-given gifts, he will remain nameless.

After hearing this from Bachelor Bro, Courtney exclaims that she just hit the “killshot”, and all the other girls can pack their bags. She also says she doesn’t want to be cocky at this point. Not sure if she knows that “doesn’t” means. I want to see her SAT scores.

Wine update: Still behind the pace, but definitely feeling it. Would I be drinking this faster if I wasn’t drinking out of the bottle? Debate amongst yourselves.

Here comes the group date. Kacie B., girl with bangs, and girl I don’t remember. I’ll bet my first year bonus on Kacie B. winning here. Bangs suck, and if I don’t remember the other girl, then she has no shot.

He wakes them up really early, and it’s dark out. He surprises them, so they have to get ready “quickly.” They show us a quick leg shaving. Also a quick armpit shaving. I wish I hadn’t seen this part.

When they started getting ready it was black of night. When they emerge, it’s completely light out. This is the first time that I feel like this show has accurately portrayed real life.

Wine update: 1 bottle down. I am going to be DRUNK by the end of this. It’s been a long time since Wine Wednesdays senior year.

Interesting, they’re going swimming with sharks. Rachel is freaking out. I don’t like her bangs.

She says “Oh [bleep] me” when she sees a shark. Bachelor Bro doesn’t even say anything. Opportunity wasted. Bangs also has a tramp stamp. SERIOUS negative points. Sorry if you’re reading this and you have one.

Honestly, these look like nurse sharks, which don’t even do anything. They just swim along the bottom and mind their own business. I’m unimpressed.

Kacie B. is getting jealous. She also seems to think that roses will be given out. Maybe Bachelor Bro’s wrong? Why am I so concerned over this minor detail?

Side note: Roommates and I just had the best idea ever. THE GAY BACHELOR on Bravo. New blog coming soon.

On to the end of the date, and there IS a rose. Bachelor Bro was incorrect. I thought he was in charge here?

So does he only meet one family per episode? Is that how it works? I’m not sure. If so, might only watch the episode with Emily. She hasn’t been on screen in a while. I miss her.

They all want to talk about their families. I would probably fail this section of the competition. My family is nuts. We give each other Elvis fan gear for Christmas. Seriously. I have a 6-foot-tall elvis cardboard cutout in my closet in North Carolina. It’s actually one of my most prized possessions. This year, my uncle gave me a trucker hat with foam boobs on the front.

Kacie B. is rapidly making a case to be my favorite. She’s 24? She seems so old. She says her dad would be concerned about all this. If I was your dad, I would also be concerned that you want to get married to a stranger in order to win a TV show.

Again, the music is telling me how to feel. I feel the love. Tonight. It is where weeee are. IT’S ENOUGH, FOR THIS WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE-EYED WANDERER, THAT WE GOT THIS FAAAAAAR.

[day-after editors note: you can probably tell that the wine is getting to me]

OH GOD HERE’S THE ROSE. Got to tone down the all caps. Wine, sorry.

Kacie B. gets the rose for “wearing her heart on her sleeve.” So I won that bet, and you guys owe me a monetary amount equivalent to my first-year bonus. So like 5 dollars. Paypal me, thanks.

Courtney thinks Kacie B. is a “little girl in a little boy’s body”. I hate her so much. Kacie B. is great. So is this wine.

But uh-oh, Kacie B. is telling Bachelor Bro to “be cautious” about Courtney. This was not a good idea when Emily did it. Ok nevermind I think it’s fine if everybody is saying it. He’s like, yeah, I got it. I wonder how the producers will take this. I bet they nip this in the bud real quick.

Wine update. Holy shit I’m going to have to chug the rest of this 2nd bottle to make it. HALF A BOTTLE LEFT HERE WE GO!

The final set has a very “Survivor” thing going on. I hope some tiki torches are extinguished. The tribe has spoken, etc. etc.

My picks to stay on the island: Lindzi, Emily, Kacie B. , and don’tcarewhoelse.

Courtney has a giant pina colada, and she says the pina colada is soooo good when it hits her lips. Yep she’s drunk. I identify with her for once because I also am quite inebriated at this point. BTW, at this point it’s only going to take one good shot of Emily to make me go on a love-rant.

This show is edited so well. Everyone in my apartment legitimately HATES Courtney. Like, vocally. We care very little about this whole thing, and yet we’re screaming at the television. Well done, producers.

Courtney says “I’m getting one step closer to calling Ben my fiancé!”

I want to dropkick her. And also drink da rest of dis wine yo!

[day-after editors note: embarrassing]

Roommates just told me to start singing. This means I am visibly drunk. One late night this weekend I was singing incredibly loudly because everyone was encouraging me (including Jim Beam) and telling me I should go on American Idol. Sleeping roommates texted me and told me to shut up. Awake roommates told them to shut up. I was caught in the middle. Look, I just really like to sing along to Chris Brown’s latest album, ok?

Back to the gameshow. 3 roses now, 2 babes goin’ home. His suit-shirt-tie combo is atrocious.

He asks to “steal” Courtney for a minute. They don’t tell us what the conversation was about. I have no idea what he said to her, but I’m sure the producers nixed his big ideas of cutting her pretty quick.

Kacie B. already has a rose. It says she’s an administrative assistant? I thought she used to have some other job? Someone check for me. The wine. Too lazy.


Lindzi gets one. Knew that.

Last rose. Bitchy-model Courtney, Emily, or Bangs. I SWEAR TO GOD BACHELOR BRO. YOU KNOW WHO’S THE BEST.

Courtney gets it. FYI, I had to go back and write this after the fact, I was so pissed. The show has been over for like 15 minutes. I got very loud. I’m full of a toxic mixture of hate, rage, and wine.

As Emily leaves, Courtney drops “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.”

After that little nugget, I wrote a very, very long tirade about Courtney in all caps that, in hindsight, is in no way fit for publication. Especially on the the internet.

So that’s it for Episode 7. The wine definitely won, but based on what I wrote, it seems like I had a pretty good time. I think 2 bottles might be a little much for one episode.

Emily is gone now, and I’m not really sure if I want to keep watching. I guess I’ve wasted enough of my time on this already, so I might as well. I have a strong feeling that the show will get much less entertaining in the next few episodes. My only hope is that Courtney seriously ramps up her bitch factor, the tension builds up to an unsustaniable level, and then everyone goes psycho like Jordan in Game 6.

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1 Response to Episode 7 – Belize

  1. Annie says:

    Austin Rivers is my hero. But I can understand why you’d hate him.

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