Episode 8 – HOMETOWNS!!!

Editor’s Note: Although I guess I swore I would never again drink two bottles of wine, my roommates convinced me to do it. Again, I’ve had to go back and revise some of this, but again I’ve left you all the funny drunk parts. And again, I decided to send all this profanity to my work email. This show is causing me problems. Also, there was a lot more commentary on the Knicks game sprinkled in, so I took most of that out. Trying to keep this brief.

Opening Thoughts:

I’m giving my roommates code names so you can identify what they say. They will be named after the 7 dwarves. Going with Doc, Sleepy, Dopey, and Grumpy. Grumpy never watches with us, which is why I named him Grumpy.

Courtney is guaranteed to make it into the final. It’s a certainty. It’s like she has a bye straight into the finals, and the other two girls have a two-round play-in game.

Dopey is volunteering himself for his own personal season of The Bachelor. He will be hosting any and all interested young ladies at Nolita House next Saturday night from the hours of 2AM to 4AM, and at 4AM one lucky lady will get a chance to come back to our apartment with him for a “hometown visit.”

Episode 8 – HOMETOWNS!!! OMG!!!

First up, Lindzi’s hometown. She’s in rodeo gear, wearing cowboy boots and spurs. Dopey is very excited about it. She looks good. Bachelor Bro says it’s super sexy to “see Lindzi on a horse” On cue, roommates launch into sexual references. It goes on for a long, long time. Bachelor Bro and Lindzi share an awkward I’m-on-a-horse-but-you’re-not hug.

She’s claiming that horses have been in her life since before she was born (not possible), and that she could ride before she could walk (talented).

Sitting down for a little wine (obviously) and a chat. These people saying “the past few weeks have really made me ready for marriage” is really freaking me out. These people are idiots. ABC is full of geniuses.

Now on to MEET THE PARENTS!!! They are leisurely sitting on some couches in a random empty field, obviously drinking wine. He is introduced as her “boyfriend” (who happens to be currently dating 3 other women on a national tv show).

They are playing some sort of game, I’m not really paying attention, but then Bachelor Bro says something like, “No I can’t, I just met you Harry!”

Revelation. This means that her father’s name is Harry Cox. I swear I am not making this up. Someone named their child Harry Cox, and I’m currently watching him on The Bachelor. I love this show. And I love Harry Cox.

They move on to parent interviews, and mom says that when Lindzi was younger, she didn’t focus on boys. She focused on horses and drill team, and is inexperienced with boys. Great. That aside, Lindzi is a solid option for Bachelor Bro. We all like her a lot. She’s a close second to Kacie. Speaking of second, almost on my second bottle of wine.

Kacie’s hometown. She’s from Texas I think, so obviously they’re at her high school’s football field.

She got the marching band to come out and march around and play music. Except it’s only like 20 kids. Oh no, she’s marching and twirling the baton in front. Consensus among roommates is that we would all turn around and go back to Lindzi and her awesome ranch.

I take it back, I don’t care, I like her. I think I’m over Emily. Kacie is now #1. I like Texas.

Yep, they’re breaking out the wine at the high school football stadium. She just told him that her dad is a federal probation officer, and that he doesn’t drink. Major, MAJOR deal breaker for me. Bachelor Bro makes wine for a living, so I don’t think he likes that either, but let’s be honest, this is about me.

They’re walking up to her house, and of course Bachelor Bro brought them a bottle of wine as a gift. For the sober probation officer. Oh hi Kacie’s sister. Can somebody forward her this blog and let her know that I also don’t drink (except for right now) and I love probation? Actually, sorry. Taking back what I previously said about her sister. Not that great.

Now on to the Bachelor-Bro and daddy talk. This is TV GOLD. Bachelor Bro says something stupid that makes very little sense, and daddy isn’t buying. He tells Bachelor Bro not to rush into anything, and Bachelor Bro says he’s not. I have to disagree here, because they market this whole show as a stranger-to-spouse-in-like-8-weeks kind of deal. Sleepy just wants Bachelor Bro to give the parents the lip service that they want and move on. I agree, Sleepy.

Now to talking to mommy. Integrity. Courage. Community. Those are her mother’s values. Do they have a family mission statement too?

Her parents don’t want her to move to San Fran. Daddy wants them to just date for a while, and then see how things play out. He also wants her to get her own place in San Francisco. And not move in with him. I thought they were supposed to get married? It’s apparent that daddy is at the same time both very dumb and very smart. He asks her about the other girls. I think he’s the only one that’s mildly concerned that they are all probably banging his daughter’s boyfriend.

Overall, not a real strong visit from Kacie. I’m worried.

But oooooh they have a family portrait with them all in white shirts and jeans! The children are kneeling behind the parents, with hands on shoulders. Always a classic, but I would have gone for the white shirt and khakis, but on the beach. Also my photo would be in black and white. And there would be a golden retriever.

Now onto Texas with Nicki aka dental hygiene. She’s saying the last time she brought a guy home like this she married him. She got married before? She’s 26. Idk about this girl. Her hometown is awesome though. It’s so country and Texas and stuff. I’d probably agree to marry her if that meant I could live there. I want to go right now. I’m in the wrong industry. Might make the career transition to cowboy.

I just got a text from a friend-who-sings-the-Jordin-Sparks-parts-of-‘No Air’-while-I-sing-the-Chris-Brown-parts: “I hope you’re hammered because this episode is le boring.” Lucky for you, I’m on my way. 1.5 bottles of wine down.

Nicki talking about how her previous marriage was failing and how bad it was for her. This would be a serious non-starter for me. She’s 26 years old, and all of her marriages to date have ended in divorce.This show is ridiculous. BTW the Olive Garden appears to have a 3-course italian dinner for like 13 bucks that looks pretty good.

[Day After Editor’ s Note: What?]

When they get to her house, her family yells “Welcome home Ben!” So creepy.

Her parents have been divorced for most of her life. She’s already been divorced. I think they should run with this. They are experienced in divorce, and that’s what’s going to happen to Bachelor Bro and whoever he picks anyway. I notice that they have an old-school karaoke machine. The kind with the little 4-inch screen. I would probably marry her just for that. Then we could divorce, and all I would ask for would be the karaoke machine. I think the divorce would run smoothly because she’s already done it once before. And then I would have my own karaoke machine.

Now she’s going to have a talk with daddy, and she’s worried about what he’ll say. Are they not in contact with their parents during the show or something? Is this a surprise to them? I would NOT let my daughter go on this show and bring home a douche like this guy. My daughter will also only be allowed to marry a graduate of the University of North Carolina. Ideally he will be a point guard, but I could settle for a combo guard. Maybe.

She and daddy are on screen, and Dopey just yelled “he’s got the same eyes as her!!!” He was not joking. He was actually excited. We all stop talking and stare at him. He is embarassed.

On to Courtney’s family.

They’re in Arizona. God I hate her. She’s said like 2 words and I already want to duct tape her mouth shut and roll her down a big hill.

These things are so repetetive. It’s like watching the same show 4 times in a row. Here’s the script: Falling for him. Parents mean everything. Hurt before. Don’t want to be hurt again.

Dad is rocking a FRATTY argyle vest. Strong handshake, first-and-last-name intro. Also his name is Rick. Good name. Not as good as Harry Cox, but I like him.

Instantly drinking wine. Aww, her poor sister is not as good looking. Tough break. She’s like the Khloe Kardashian of the family. Doc says she looks like an ogre.

Knicks are on the 2nd TV, and it’s becoming very hard to concentrate on this extremely boring episode. I blame the wine. And my manhood. Wine and manhood. Oxymoron?

Sleepy: “They still need to have the cocktail party, right!?!” Sleepy loves The Bachelor now. This show is making weird things happen in my apartment.

Bachelor Bro and bitchy model are out in a field now. Uh oh, she’s mentioning that there once was a wedding near where they’re sitting. The music just changed. She keeps looking over where it was. No way. Don’t you do it. Oh God. She did.

SHE SET UP A MOCK-WEDDING. HER “IDEAL WEDDING.” HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. I WOULD LITERALLY TURN AND RUN AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. HOLY SHIT. I’M SORRY ABOUT THE ALL CAPS AND THE WINE BUT THIS IS ABSURD. SHE SET UP THE ENTIRE THING. SHE GIVES HIM PAPER TO WRITE HIS VOWS. SHE GIVES HIM A BOW TIE. HOLY SHIT. HE’S ACTUALLY AGREEING TO WRITE THESE VOWS??? HIS VOWS SAY “SHE CHALLENGES ME, SHE KEEPS ME ON MY TOES, SHE KEEPS ME THINKING.” HOLY SHIT THERE’S A REVEREND!?! THIS IS PSYCHOTIC. THIS IS NOT CUTE. THEY ARE GETTING FEAUX-MARRIED THIS IS SO ABSURD!!! I WOULD NOT AGREE TO THIS IS IN ANY WAY.

Ok I’m calm now. Poor Bachelor Bro was completely ambushed. ABC producers just punk’d him big-time. He’s looking around for Ashton Kutcher.

Don’t know if you guys noticed this, but she has a piece of scrap paper on top of her “written” vows. Either she wrote hers beforehand (not likely) or the producers (and Nicolas Sparks) wrote hers for her. The reverend pronounces them husband and wife, except he says JK at the end, so it’s cool. Now I want that job. Reality-TV-feaux-marryer.

Courtney says “I know we’re not Mr. and Mrs. [bachelor bro’s last name that i can’t remember] yet, but…” and trails off. This is like some shit that a crazy 4th grade girl does. Plan a fake wedding for her and some poor kid who’s just trying to learn his state capitals and scribble her new last name on the back of her trapper keeper in like 40 shades of gel pen. I could imagine Helga Pataki doing this on Hey Arnold.

Knicks down 11 with 3:30 left. Bitchy model talking about San Francisco, blah blah blah. Deron Williams just hit a nice stepback jumper from the elbow. Why do the Bobcats suck so much? Kemba Walker, I know you’re reading this. Step your shit up.

Honestly, I think Courtney’s the least attractive here. Dopey thinks Kacie’s the least attractive here. I’m going to smother him to death with his pillow tonight while he’s asleep. Doc just told me that his Mondays are so much better now that he can watch me get wasted drinking wine and watching The Bachelor. Roommates are discussing starting a blog about me drinking two bottles of wine and writing this blog. My life is so embarassing.

After the in-home visits, I’ll give Kacie the worst odds. Are there vegas odds on this? Could that be my new job?

[Day After Editor’ s Note: I’m starting to get the theme that drunk me really wants a new job.]

Rose ceremony. All the money in my bank account says Courtney moves on. Yep, she gets the first rose. Lindzi next, Dopey is happy. I hate him. Kacie or Nicki. What’s it going to be??? Unbelievable. Kacie sent home. I don’t’ respect this guy at all. He is such an idiot. I should go on The Bachelor. Nope, got over that bright idea in about 5 seconds.

Now there’s really nobody left that I like. Future blog posts are about to get interesting.

[Day After Editor’ s Note: I really need to stop this two-bottles-of-wine thing. I was really hungover this morning. Don’t think I’m doing it again. Well, maybe.]

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