Episode 9 – Switzerland

Episode 9 – Switzerland

Down to 3 lucky ladies at this point, Lindzi, Nicki, and Courtney-the-bitchy-model. It’s basically a shootout between Lindzi and Nicki, so let’s see how it goes.

So Bachelor Bro is at the airport on his way to Switzerland. He seems to be flying there alone. That seems like an opportunity wasted. I would have really enjoyed seeing Courtney not-so-subtly suggest that they go have raucous sex in the lavatory.

Also, just learned that the picture that I took off google to make the banner for this blog is of Nicki. And they’re sitting in is this weird makeout basket thing. Good to know.

They make it to Switzerland, and HOLY SHIT I WANT TO GO HERE. All these helicopter shots are really cool. Lucky for me, this show loves helicopters, so there will likely be lots of sweeping aerial scenery.

First date is Nicki. Bachelor bro is wearing a leather jacket that zips up to the side. Like, the zipper is off-center. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Oh, what’s that I hear? Helicopter blades? Obviously. Does anyone else notice how predictable this is? This show is just a non-stop exhibition of rotary aircraft. In their defense, I guess, it does look awesome. I wish the whole show was just watching this helicopter fly around the Swiss alps.

They touch the chopper down on top of a mountain and FYI it looks like a VERY dangerous landing. Respect to the ABC helicopter pilot. They are here for a quaint little picnic, of course. I think if I had to describe the average date on this show, I’d say “Vehicle, Sitting, Wine. Repeat.”

Holy shit this pilot is EXTREMELY talented. He can literally put this bird down wherever he wants. He just landed that bitch on a pile of loose rocks the size of a beach towel. I’m a little upset that the women watching this won’t appreciate it. I don’t think this is the part of the show I’m supposed to be paying attention to, but wow. He’s got to be ex-Navy. Just wow.

More sitting, more wine, more talking about nothing. Here comes the compulsory metaphor: the view goes on forever, which is like our future together. But we’re on this cliff, and we could fall, but he’s holding on to me, blah blah blahhhh. Knew it was coming eventually. God, the soft-rock guitar is excruciating.

Now to a log cabin. What spontaneous thing shall we do here, Bachelor Bro? Oh, right. Sit and drink wine and have the exactly same conversation we just had on that mountain. This is so repetetive, they just talk about their mock-relationship all the time. Can’t they talk about the weather or politics or who has a better haircut? Well, now she asked him how many kids he wants. He says 4. She says 2. She just had a Miss South Carolina moment, too. She was talking about kids and then she was like “I think about it a lot, I mean us working out, and having a great life together, and I’m willing to take the chance.” Like, such as the Iraq, and South Africa, and such as.

He has a present. It’s a card. HOLY SHIT DVR WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?! My DVR is playing a mildly inconvenient joke on me. This is a first TBFM readers. I have to start the whole episode over again. This time, I can’t skip the commercials. I don’t know if i can handle watching this again.  There’s just too much soft-rock guitar. Gonna watch NASCAR for a bit while it catches up.

Ok, finally made it back, and now I have to watch all the commercials which makes this so much worse.

Let’s try again. There is a card. What is in the card? Birthday party invitation? Thank you note? Wedding invitation to he and Courtney’s faux-wedding?

WOW. Ok, this is really absurd. He just gave her a note that asks her if they want to “share the night as a couple” Then there’s a key to the “fantasy suite”. The standard protocol on this show is not setting these people up to succeed real life. This is not how these things work. You can’t just hand a woman a note and ask her if she wants to “forego your separate rooms and share the night as a couple.” At least I don’t think so?

ABC isn’t backing down from this suggestive content, either. This woman is basically monologuing about how she’s going to bang him tonight, and she’s really trying to justify herself to a national television audience. Look, girl, I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I know Courtney’s been banging him since her screen test, so you might as well get yours too.

Then he takes her to a hot tub with neon blue lighting. Didn’t know they had that in classy Swiss chateaus. She walks in, sees the hot tub, and says, “ohhh are those bubbles!?!” Probably, sweetheart. Probably.

What? She has a bikini top on? I’m sure there’s no bottom. There is probably penetration going on under the water. I feel a little awkward watching this. Like, this is kind of private shit. Whatever. I assume they happily consummate their 33.3% chance of marriage.

Lindzi’s turn. He immediately says there will not be a helicopter for this date. I don’t really believe him. Turns out, they’re going to rappel down a big canyon. This is actually pretty scary. I had to fast rope once when I was with the Marines for a summer, and it’s pretty wild.

Ok, this is nothing like what I had to do. They’re going down slowly and holding hands. The Marines did not let me hold hands. This seems so dumb. They’re just slowly lowering themselves down to the ground. How is that exciting? Of course she is hyperventilating and about to pass out. He seems psyched.

Bachelor Bro says there is another surprise. I’m guessing helicopter, sitting, then wine.

Nope. Outdoor hot tub and wine. He offers her the invitation for the overnight. Wonder if she knows that Bachelor Bro spent last night overnighting inside Nicki the dental hygienist? Probably not.

Now for the second part of the date, the non-hot-tub sitting and wine-drinking. This seems so awkward now that I know he’s just biding his time until he solicits her for sex. I wonder if the women think about that after they let him hit it. Like, he was just talking out his ass for the entirety of the date earlier today and waiting for the sex tryouts.

More talking, and she says she would like to see a proposal at the end. That’s pretty forward. Perfect segue to the SEX INVITE.

Ah, I get it now. The invitation is “from the host”. It’s addressed to “Bachelor Bro and [girl’s name]” That’s some REALLY solid wingman work right there. Bachelor Bro owes that guy. No wonder they act so chummy all the time.

He gives her the sex invite, and she says, “nice key.” He says, “They key to my heart.” False, Bachelor Bro, the key does not unlock your heart, but rather her loins.

This is a pretty good couple of days for this guy. He’s on a 2 night winning streak, and with Courtney coming up for night 3, and you’ve got to think he converts on that one too.

On to Courtney. Man, they really like to dress this guy up like a douche. I think he is actually wearing a women’s coat. Courtney notices, and says he looks cute.

Courtney recants for us that they’ve already been through the mock-wedding and their vows, and now she’s ready for the next step. I don’t really know what the next step is after surprising a man with a full-blown wedding and forcing him to pretend-marry you on national TV, but I’m excited to see it.

Interesting change-up here, they take a train and not an aircraft. They’re going on a picnic, and they have to buy ingredients. They are buying cheese, and Courtney says “this is something we would do, this is what our life would be like, traveling together….” What a precious existence. Buying cheeses in Switzerland. Typical woman fantasy nonsense.

Show stopped again. I can’t figure out my DVR. I have to stop. I’m going to finish tomorrow. Sorry.

It’s now Tuesday. I had to pick up where I left off, and WOW I thought I was farther along than this. This show just drags and drags and draaaaags.

Bachelor Bro and Courtney sit for a picnic and some wine. Bachelor Bro toasts to “another lovely picnic.” I hope he was making a joke. If not, he sucks. There are some stray cows (not sure if stray is the politically correct term) grazing near them, and Courtney tries to say hello to one. The cow ignores her, and Bachelor Bro calls her a loser because of it. Oh, wait, Bachelor Bro made her do that as part of a “game he used to play.” Sure.

Oh boy. Night has fallen in switzerland. Can’t wait until he gives her the coitus key. They go to dinner or something. Super boring part. Too much dialogue. Blah blah BLAHHH GIVE HER THE SEX KEY NOW PLZ.

Courtney apologizes for being a bitch to the other girls, and Bachelor Bro forgives all. HOW DOES THIS HELP EMILY. #TEAMEMILY FOR LIFE.


So now for the intercourse. He says this is a “big step” for them. Didn’t she invite you into her room for some late night sex like 4 episodes ago? And also try and have sex with you in the ocean? Whatever, on to the fantasy suite! 3-for-3!

Start with some hot tubbing. All 3 women have now been taken to a hot tub to prep them for the sex. If I’ve learned anything from this show, it’s this: helicopter, picnic, wine, hot tub, sex. Foolproof, and easily repeated.

In the hot tub they’re doing a lot of very forceful and intense hugging. I think I know what’s going on here.

Preview for the bachelorette? Do I have to watch this part? Do I have to blog about this too? I don’t know how to change the name of the blog at this point, so it’s not likely.

Oh come on. Really? It’s a stupid plug for Titanic 3D. This whole operation is a great business model, though. The ad revenue is probably off the charts. I might start my own series of reality marriage contest television shows. Ads for shampoo, mascara, chocolate, perfume, and feminine hygiene products. Add it to my potential new jobs list.

Now another woman is coming. Seen this one before. Not sure who it is, though.


Bachelor Bro is obviously freaked out when she shows up. She instantly goes mute in his presence and says she doesn’t know what to say. Maybe you should have thought of something on the 11 hour plane ride from Texas. Why is she here? I don’t even think she can legally win the game at this point. I would like to see the actual rulebook. I don’t know if there is one. This whole crowd is just a lawless tribe of barbarians.

I’m not sure what she wants to get out of this. This is a pretty poorly conceived plan. He basically tells her that he liked the other girls better, but poor girl WILL NOT LEAVE. He’s put it pretty plainly; “girl, you ain’t it.” She talks about Courtney some more. She came all the way to Switzerland to tell him that Courtney’s a bitch. Phone call would have done it. Maybe even a text. Personally, i would have tweeted: “@BachelorBro Courtney is a crazy bitch #teamemily” Ok, NOW you should leave. Still not leaving. He basically kicks her out.

Kacie, I used to like you. You were the official choice of this blog for a while after Emily was so tragically cut. But just like all the other women on this show, you seem a little crazy. Well, actually what you just did was a lot crazy. Right, and now you’re laying down on the floor by yourself in the middle of the hotel hallway.  Just staring at the ceiling. Yep, crazy.

Now for the Bro-Bro chat with the host. What the hell does the host do this whole time? Does he have a day job? Or does he just chill in the Swiss alps while all this is going on? I bet he got some skiing in. Probably had sex with Courtney too. He doesn’t even say anything during this conversation, he just nods his head. This is the best job ever. Add it to the job list.

Last rose ceremony. Next one is supposed to end with Bachelor Bro proposing. That’s scary. I hope they don’t make the loser girl watch, but who am I kidding, I know they will. I would like to see Bachelor Bro faux-propose to Courtney and then real-propose to Lindzi, just to get back at her for that pretend wedding she ambushed him with. Sweet revenge for me.

First rose: Lindzi. This means that Nicki is going home, because there’s no way Courtney’s not in the final. He should have said Courtney first to at least keep it suspenseful.

Second rose: Courtney. Obviously.

Now he has to lay down the law with Nicki. Feel like I should mention that I think he’s ruining a lot of these dramatic TV moments with his spastic Bieber-style hair flip that his horrible haircut demands. Lots of crying, sad, blah blah. I feel like most people are really interested by these parts of the show, but I don’t really care.

Next Episode Preview:

Oh wow, there’s a reunion show next week? I have a feeling this will be the best episode of the entire season. I’m going to have a lot to blog about it. Does that mean Emily’s coming back!?!

YES! THEY’RE STAYING IN SWITZERLAND FOR THE NEXT ONE! This is awesome. Switzerland was by far the star of this episode. I guess that’s where he wants to propose. Finale in 2 weeks. The preview shows lots of aerial Switzerland shots: I’m excited. They show a preview of him holding an engagement ring, and it’s HUGE. Maybe that’s the big prize for winning. OHHHHH THAT’S WHAT COURTNEY WANTS!!! She’s definitely watched at least one more season of The Bachelor than I have. There was no mention of a huge diamond on the Wikipedia page. Maybe she’s got the right idea after all…

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