Episode 10 – Girls Tell All

So I’ve learned two things this week. First, in this episode, they get all these women back together and they just talk shit about each other for two hours while the host pours gasoline all over this fire.

Second, the eventual winner of the contest is all over the internet. It’s all over the tabloids too. Apparently shooting finished up in November or something. I feel deceived, because I somehow thought this was happening right now. I would advise you all to resist temptation, but I peeked, and my already mild enthusiasm for this show just got even milder.

They start this episode by showing some sort of Bachelor/Bachelorette reunion from all the past seasons. It looks like all of these people are best friends, like it’s some giant incestuous club that exists in this weird ABC fantasy world and everyone hooks up with/dates/re-dates each other. I don’t really know who any of these people are, but it seems like these poor assholes are so far out of touch with real-world social interaction that they’re forced to be friends with each other. It looks pretty awkward, and I’m sure a lot of it gets filmed.

On to our episode. Courtney is here. Holy shit, that’s exciting. I just popped a bottle of wine. I hope they get her some big bald security dudes like on Jerry Springer. I actually wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what this turns in to.

FYI, I still don’t really understand how this show works. Honestly, this is so difficult to understand if you’re not a girl and you were taught to love this show when you were 6. Did they know when they signed up which Bachelor Bro they would get? They all seem to have been really obsessed with him when he was on whatever show he was on before this. But then at the beginning, they were like “OMG WE WERE SO EXCITED WHEN WE SAW IT WAS HIM!!”

It took me a few minutes, but I totally get the purpose of the show now. All the mean and bitchy shit that everyone talks about each other behind their backs? Yeah, they show it to them now for the first time. And they put a close-up of the girls in a little picture-in-picture window so we can see them make awkward faces when they see it. So I guess they haven’t seen any of this footage before? This will be interesting.

Well, they get about 10 seconds into the first question and they are instantly interrupting each other and being bitchy and loud. This show is teaching me that all women are secretly nuts, just some are more secretive about it than others. There is a lot of unnecessary yelling, and it’s just like high school. It’s so great. There is lots of finger wagging. There’s obviously the token girl trying to be civil and calm everyone down, but the angry ones are having none of it, and tell her to shut her mouth before they resume yelling.

Side note: Emily looks really good. I can’t believe this douche voted her off. Well, I guess it’s not really a vote, but whatever. He’s an idiot.

One of these bitches is super vocal and really aggressive. She’s just stirring shit up left and right. She just got called the chihuahua of the house, and the all-female audience cheered. Why no bros in the audience, ABC? A little sexism? So archaic.

Oooh. Remember that crazy girl that wasn’t even on this season and tried to get with Bachelor Bro like halfway through the season? Yeah they brought her back again. Girls are not happy. This crazy girl is saying that she watched that episode she was on? So they do watch the episodes or they don’t? Will someone please make me a powerpoint that explains the rules to me? How do I still not understand this?

Now they are making this crazy girl address all of them. The host asks council of furious she-wolves for comments, and EVERYONE’S hand goes up. Why are these girls still so pissed about this? She didn’t even get to stay for an entire episode. Chill out, it’s not like she prevented any of you from winning, Bachelor Bro took care of that.

Aww, look at Emily. Taking the high road and telling this intruder girl that she’s pretty. What a class act. I need more of that in my life.

Emily gets her own segment. Yes. I’m so pumped about this. Host calls her the hottest rapping epidemiologist in all the land. Damn straight, host bro.

She is adorable. I can’t help it. This isn’t the wine. She’s the best woman in the entire world. Maybe it is the wine. Dopey just got here, and he doesn’t like Emily that much. Maybe it’s just me then? It can’t be. She’s SUCH a babe. Now she has to talk about Courtney and that whole situation. I’m going to tune it out because it’s unflattering. She’s getting lots of applause. Oh shit. She makes some comment about how men only care about sex. MASSIVE applause. Host jokingly calls the show over because she’s “figured out” men. I’m embarrassed. That’s not fair. Emily, don’t believe this propaganda they’re planting in your brain. Wait, Emily said that didn’t she. Damn.

Nicki talked, I didn’t pay attention because there was no clapping or yelling. Kacie B. also looks really good. Dopey and Sleepy really like her.

YESSS SAW A DUDE IN THE AUDIENCE. I feel so much better, you have no idea. Side note, what kind of people actually go to this event? Like, who sees this on ticketmaster and says, I MUST GO TO THE BACHELOR WOMEN TELL ALL LIVE EVENT! I CAN’T POSSIBLY WAIT UNTIL IT’S ON ABC FOR FREE! I wonder if any of them have competing blogs. Am I losing out to the competition? Maybe I should have gone…

Courtney’s coming soon. Trigger the montage. Shit, they’re really playing up the Courtney v. Emily rivalry. It’s making me pretty upset. Emily was obviously the victim here. She is a sweetheart, and Courtney is a bitch. And for a model, she’s not even that attractive.

More shit-talking. It’s not really worth recapping. Emily is making lots of “I’m annoyed” faces. They’re all cute.

On the whole, this episode is really disappointing. Your typical Bachelor fan might really like this type of show, but they just don’t do enough stupid shit for me to make fun of.

Here comes Courtney. Buckle up kids. Courtney says she’s terrified to be here, and the camera pans over to Emily & co. I can only describe the look they give as one of the most intense death-stares ever.

This whole part didn’t really go how I planned. It’s very serious and not funny. Courtney just said she’s sorry. Emily keeps probing and making her answer for her crimes. Babe, you need to lay off. You’re losing points in my book, not like you don’t have plenty to spare, but still.

One interesting point. Blakeley is really pissed that Courtney called her a stripper on national television. I also called her a stripper, but on my wildly successful blog, which gets way more viewer traffic than ABC. I would apologize, but I’m not entirely sure that she’s not a stripper. I only say this because she is from Rutherfordton, and there’s nowhere to be a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” in Rutherfordton that’s not a strip club.

On to the Bachelor Bro, hopefully this is more interesting. Red-hair girl is asking him directly why she picked Blakeley over her. “Like, no offense, but why would you take Blakely home to your parents over me?” I’d say that’s pretty obviously offensive, little red-haired girl. You can’t just saw whatever you want and then say “no offense” after it. Blakeley could probably beat your ass, strippers are hard people. She probably isn’t afraid to go back to jail.

This is a tough situation for Bachelor Bro. He has to tell all these obsessive women why he didn’t pick them. I mean, BY RULE, he has to break up with 24 of these girls in the span of [however long the show lasts]. The vast majority of them is REAL pissed at him. I’d have to say he’s doing pretty well, considering the circumstances.

Emily is looking for some closure. She wants a reason why he didn’t pick her. “Say something like I hate raps, your raps are awful.” I mean, come on. She’s just awesome. I get the feeling that other people think this is weird, but this is great. I rapped. I rapped about a close friend of mine. I almost made an entire album. One of them is to the tune of “Still D.R.E.”

Dopey is jealous that Bachelor Bro has all these women fawning over him. Guess Dopey isn’t used to it like I am. ZING.

Bloopers!  The only thing worth mentioning is that Emily has this thing with this dog and she is adorable.

So that’s the end. All-in-all, I was really disappointed with this episode. I had such high hopes. The pieces were all in place. All these girls have been talking shit about each other for the whole season, and (I think) this is the first time they see what was said behind closed doors. Tension is high. There should have been more yelling. Physical combat would have been a nice touch. Maybe they should have thrown in some physical challenges like on Double Dare. Gladiator games, possibly. Whatever, this is ABC’s deal, not mine. I just complain about it semi-professionally on a blog. In closing, I only have one thing to say. #teamemily.

#teamemily #teamemily #teamemily #teamemily #teamemily

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