Episode Last – The Finale!

My DVR didn’t record right, so I’m already cranky that I have to watch the commercials. So settle in for what the host just called “the most controversial bachelor finale in history”.

So they’re still in Switzerland, which means more of my favorite sweeping helicopter shots of mountains and fjords and middle earth and shit.

They brought his mom and his sister out to come visit. He starts to cry before they’re even there long enough to say anything. He’s so sensitive and dreamy! Sleepy thinks he’s a gay.

He’s looking for them both to ask some serious questions to these two women and evaluate his relationships. If the producers know what’s good for them, they’ll make them discuss Courtney’s crazy ass ad-nauseum. Ok, yep. Her sister just asked if any of the girls “didn’t get along with everyone else” Smooth, producers. He says that his sister usually doesn’t like the girls he dates. This is promising.

Lindzi gets to meet the family first. They sit and eat, while also drinking wine. She then gets interviewed by mom and sister. She talks about letting her guard down, being vulnerable, etc. etc. She also gets asked about Courtney. Sister is a little skeptical about how everyone hates Courtney – about time someone is. After the interview, seems like Lindzi’s going to get the family blessing here. If I’m right, there’s some quality TV coming up.

This is kind of strange. His family is like, yeah, definitely marry her. After this hour-long conversation, you should definitely do it.

Sister then finds out that Courtney is a model. Eye roll. Music is turning dramatic. Can’t wait.

As soon as Courtney sits down, sister asks her to talk about how she’s a bitchy model and nobody likes her. Courtney just says that the other girls didn’t like her and so she stopped trying. I think she should have thought out a better response to this, she had to know that question was coming.  She sits down with mom–they are drinking something out of coffee cups. I can’t confirm that it’s not wine, but if it isn’t, this is a major plot development. Anyway, Courtney plays this one pretty well. After the disastrous first impression, I think she recovered well. Ben and sister sit down and talk, and sister actually likes her.

Ok, so now the family leaves. Is that it? Can’t be. There’s over an hour left. WTF else are they going to do? More helicopters? I swear to God, if I hear these people say the word “vulnerable” one more time.

Sister gives Courtney her recommendation over Lindzi. Surprising.

Lindzi gets to go on one last date to try and lock up that ring. He decides to take her skiing on the Matterhorn, her first time ever. This is a recipe for disaster. The Matterhorn looks pretty scary. It’s steep. I think it looks kind of like Mt. Crumpet from how the grinch stole christmas. That was a scary ass mountain too.

In a bizarre plot twist, they find a way to have a picnic and drink wine and talk about nothing again. This time, they do it on a gondola. He said “vulnerable” again. I hate everything. They show them skiing for like four seconds, and she doesn’t die.

Promotional consideration provided by Zermatt Matterhorn tourism. Yeah I’ll say. I really want to go there now. I don’t care if I get proposed to or not.

They sit and talk in circles about nothing. Again. She says “vulnerable.”

She says: “I love you” He says: “Thanks”

She says: “I’m ready to be a good fiancé” He says: “Hmm!”

This is not a preparation for married life. They should force them into real-life married people things and film that. On the list;

1. She must poop with the door open.

2. He must endure menstruation.

3. They must share a bathroom.

4. They should have to take care of an egg for a week and NOT take it near a helicopter.

5. They should interact without the assistance of wine.

Courtney’s turn. Another helicopter. They get to fly over the Matterhorn. I’m jealous. They get dropped off by this really nice mountain lake, where he takes advantage of being in Switzerland and decides to have a picnic and drink some booze. Interestingly, though, it’s not wine. It’s some orange thing. It’s either Tang, Metamucil, or a screwdriver. Pick your favorite. They make adorable snow angels. They sled down a hill. They giggle. I’m unmoved.

They sit and drink wine in a hotel or somewhere. She gives him a journal/scrapbook thing as a gift, and reads him a long love letter. At the end, he says “That was really nice, thank you for being VULNERABLE” VULNERABLE VULNERABLE VULNERABLE. I SERIOUSLY HATE THIS ASSHOLE. WHY IS HE DOING THIS.

Bachelor Bro has decided that he wants to propose to one of them, and then obviously Neal Lane comes out to Switzerland to help him shop for rings. If you didn’t know, Neal Lane is on a shitload of commercials for diamonds and jewlery and stuff. Product placement = free ring I guess. He obviously picks the biggest one that Neal brought.

They show them getting ready for this whole ordeal. If I was a woman, I’d be freaking out trying to look as good as possible. This is your last chance to change his mind. This guy really thinks with his penis, and if you come out looking REALLY good, you could probably sway him at the last minute and hit the buzzer-beater.

They are obviously each helicoptered to the super special scenic location for the final elimination. I think it would be more thrilling if the winner gets to leave in a helicopter with Bachelor Bro, and the loser gets unceremoniously dropped out of a different helicopter.

LIndzi is the first one to get there. Sleepy thinks this spells doom for her because “everyone knows the first girl off the helicopter gets rejected” I didn’t know that.

He goes into the speech. He says “vulnerable.” He says “I’ve fallen in love with you, BUT”

But. That’s the ballgame folks. Drive home safely. Courtney is the winner. Courtney the bitchy model who literally ALL of the people watching this show ACTIVELY hate.

Lindzi’s sad. But, she says “if things don’t work out, call me” Pretty desperate, and the peanut gallery disapproves.

And now we’re about to watch a proposal between two terribly awkward people. My sleeper pick is Kacie B booking her own helicopter and just showing up unannounced and begging for the ring. Wouldn’t count it out.

Host bro says his customary 4 words to Courtney as she arrives and then goes back to the ski lodge/spa/resort/whatever the hell he does in his plentiful spare time.

Bachelor Bro goes into his speech, and he proposes. She says yes. The end. #teamemily.

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