The Bachelorette. Yes, I play both ways.

OK gang, it’s been a while, but I was recently informed that The Bachelorette is set to premier on ABC on Monday, May 14. Given that watching The Bachelor was way more entertaining for me than I expected, and considering my life is pretty boring anyway, I’m going to watch The Bachelorette too.

And, just like last time, there is apparently a lot of stuff that I didn’t know about that seems relevant to your (and my) understanding of this season. I’ll try to give a breakdown as I see it, but keep in mind, this all comes from a combination of wikipedia, tabloids, my imagination, and the like.

Bachelorette Babe (BB) is named Emily Maynard. I might have to call her Bachelor Babe on the blog, because this could confuse people with regard to the wildly popular #TeamEmily movement that I started last season. As far as I’m concerned, there is only one Emily, and that Emily is Emily from The Bachelor. The UNC grad student. And not this new one. K great, thanks.

Speaking of which, Emily STILL hasn’t returned any of my calls/texts/facebook pokes! Times are tough. I might have to resort to LinkedIn stalking soon. Does anybody still use Mypace? I love it when she plays hard to get.

Anyway, Bachelorette Babe was allegedly on a prior season of The Bachelor. The internet says that she was on the show, won it, and then left the guy? And now she’s got her own TV show? Take notes, Courtney-the-bitchy-model from The Bachelor.

The background story that ABC is really pushing here is that Bachelorette Babe is a single mom. According to ABC, her profession is “full-time mommy.” Add this one to my list of dream jobs. I bet she didn’t have to waste hours today trying to find the largest shareholders of publicly traded SPAC warrants that are actively trading on the LSE. Sorry, I know that sounds gross. It was gross.

She’s also 26, and has a 6-year old. That kind of freaks me out. I bet her 6-year old is way better behaved at 6 than I am at 22. To imagine myself being responsible for another human life when I was 20 is just ridiculous.

Things I did when I was 20:

1. Shared a tiny room with a man nicknamed “Frat”

2. Wore the same Charlotte Hornets jersey almost every day

3. Went to Chipotle a lot

4. Sat on the porch

4. I honestly don’t remember much else because I was probably studying drunk.

She is also from my beautiful hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, which is awesome. I think they filmed part of the show there or something, which apparently they don’t do for other contestants. I hope she takes some bros on a date to the NASCAR Hall of Fame. Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say right now that that will definitely happen, and you’ll probably see a bunch of overly obvious advertising for said HOF. That thing cost the city SO much money to build and NOBODY goes to it. Seriously, I got to do the entire pit crew challenge BY MYSELF like four times in a row because nobody was in line. Charlotte needs your money, America!

To further prove to the rest of the country that the only thing going on in North Carolina is NASCAR, Bachelorette Babe was formerly engaged to NASCAR driver Ricky Hendrick, who was sadly killed in a plane crash a few years back. She found out a few days later that she was pregnant with his child. Her daughter is named Ricki Hendrick, but for my own entertainment I’m going to call her Ricki Bobbi.

Ricky’s father, Rick, is a really big deal in Charlotte and in the NASCAR world, and Hendrick Motorsports is one of the best teams in the business (Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne, Dale Jr.).

This explains why her occupation is “full-time mommy” and not “welfare mommy”. Even though she was definitely put in a tough situation, being hooked in with the Hendrick family makes things a lot easier.

But, in order to give you, the people, a fair account of who this woman is, I’ve solicited several experts from some random internet comments I found.

Kimmy says:

“This was the wrong choice for the bachlorette she is all about material things not TRUE love. I think she is ne of t he MOST fakest people going .. She will nto be happy with NOONE at all noone can stand up to her HIGH maitnance life style she wants…. money hungry is a ll she is …I wont be watchign this season and I like watching t his show”

While Joy argues:

“I believe Emily is going for the money..not love!She has never worked & has a child by Hendrick so the Hendricks Family, whom are billionaires, support her and her daughter..she will never leave all of this behind…are you kidding!!! NO WAY!!!!”

But I say:

“You people are idiots. She obviously doesn’t need the cash – her daughter is Rick Hendrick’s grandchild.”

So that’s the situation. They haven’t disclosed who the bros are yet, but I’m sure there will be lots of “personal trainers”, “models”, and “entrepreneurs”. This is code for “unemployed”. I think ABC recently got sued because these shows never have any minority contestants, so be on the lookout to see if we get any diversity in this season’s bro portfolio (brofolio?). Honestly, I wouldn’t count on it.

Also, maybe slightly relevant, host Chris Harrison is getting divorced. I blame Courtney-the-bitchy-model for probably giving him a “one-on-one date” in one of the many hot tubs last season.

Anyway, settle in for some for some hilarious courtship and lots of helicopter rides.

LET’S GET VULNERABLE!!!

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