Episode 1

So this is my first time watching The Bachelorette. Just like when I watched The Bachelor, I barely understand the rules and most of the time I don’t really know what’s going on. I just sort of call it like I see it. Here we go.

Little intro with her kid. Her daughter Ricki has a t-shirt on that says “Ricki” on the front. That’s a good start.

Emily looks pretty good. Not as good as last season Emily, but still good. She must work out.

She drives a nice, new white Suburban. Thanks Rick Hendrick. She probably drives a new car like every 5 days.


Showing some B reel of her playing with horses. I swear, every girl in the fucking world loves horses. Bros do not give one fuck about horses.

Just realized she’s 0-for-2 in engagements. Third time’s a charm. Let’s be honest, probably not.

Host bro calls her the most influential bachelorette ever? I have no idea if this is true or not, but it probably isn’t.

Starts in her hometown of CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA!!! I love Charlotte so much.

Here come bios on some of the dudes! They come pretty fast so here’s what I can catch.

Kalon – Luxury Brand Consultant. Guy thinks he’s rich. Fuck, he already said he’s ready to be in a vulnerable state. I made it like 5 minutes before somebody was “vulnerable”.

Ryan – Augusta GA. Played pro football and now he’s a trainer. They show him training a couple of 5-year-olds. He’s pretty jacked. He also has a HUGE jaw.

Tony – a lumber trader from Oregon. Wtf is a lumber trader? He says he’s passionate about fitness. That’s a great way to differentiate yourself in this crowd, bro. He has a 5 year old son. That is a slam-dunk. Except in the confessional he says “What has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? This guy”. That is not as much of a slam-dunk.

Lerone – black dude who does some real estate thing. He has a super gay dog. He is also jacked.

David – singer from NYC. Show him walking through the park with his guitar case – obviously. He’s already singing a song about Emily, and he’s really terrible.

Charlie – Recruiter from Nashville. He says he almost died in an accident a while back. Fell 15 feet. Punctured lung. Fractured spine. Traumatic brain injury. Wow, that’s some serious shit. He has an awesome bulldog, thus he’s my favorite so far. (I looked this up, and it turns out a balcony collapsed at Dan Uggla’s house, who he is apparently friends with. Pretty cool.).

Jef – Yes, with one f. Salt Lake City. He has a real stupid haircut. I think Bieber has the same one these days. They show him skateboarding. CEO of a bottled water company – that’s pretty cool. They show him quietly sitting and thinking on the side of a babbling brook. I can tell this guy is trouble.

Arie – God, they got a racecar driver. Indy series. This is ridiculous. He raced in the Indy 500. Unreal.

Side note – where the fuck is this bachelor mansion? It’s so tacky. There’s no way this is in Charlotte. Yeah, the host just said it is. WTF. This house is so horrible.There’s ilke, purple LED backlighting behind the fireplace. It’s so bad.

My roommate points out that this is terrible parenting. Like, instead of being with her child, she’s going on a several month long sex tour.

She just said she wants a minivan full of babies. She just keeps saying she wants babies. Host tells her to pump the brakes a little bit. Thanks host bro.

Nice, instead of sweeping shots of mountains and fjords, it’s helicopter views of Charlotte at night. I can totally get onboard with this.

Here comes the first bros to the mansion!!!

Jackson – fitness model. Oh God. Down on one knee already. Threw out some stupid line. He’s instantly cut. Then told her his name. He’s also a fitness model.

Great, here comes the house clown. Joe – field energy advisor. He’s such a weirdo. Jumping around like an idiot.

Arie – Indy car driver. He’s so going to win.

Aaron – HS biology teacher. 36, that’s old. He says some stupid line like, “even though I’m a biology teacher, I’m here to have chemistry with you.” She says she failed both of those. I think she’s telling the truth.

Alessandro – grain merchant from Brazil. She might be stupid. He speaks a little Portuguese to her and she just says “grassy-ass”.

Stevie – Party MC. Brought his own music via boom box. Dancing. Hair gel. Wearing a green shirt with this suit. Like, kermit the frog green. This guy is getting cut before the next commercial break.

Tony – lumber trader. He brough a pillow? Oh wow, he’s going for the prince charming thing. He says he believes in fairy tales and true love and shit, and if the shoe fits, you can be my princess and we can live happily ever after. This guy actually brought a fucking shoe and puts in on her. This is so absurd. Obviously, the shoe fits, and he says “I think i found my princess.” She comes back with “thanks for the shoe”. Yeah you’re definitely the favorite now, bro.

All of these dudes are instantly boozing by the way. No wine around here. Hard liquor. Nice. Me and my roommates decide it would be pretty fun to hang out with dudes all day and drink. And you’re all eskimo bros with each other, too.

Next up, looks like a guy pretending to be an old woman. This is very aggressive/desperate. I don’t get it. She is pretty freaked out. What the fuck is this. Poor guy, this didn’t go as well as he thought. His name is Randy – marketing manager. He says he wanted to be creative. Unfortunately he got so caught up in pretending to be an old woman that he didn’t even tell her his fucking name. SO CUT.

Brent. Put on a name tag. Actually a pretty good idea. I bet he makes it through the first cut because of that.

John AKA “Wolf” – data destruction specialist? WTF is that? Does he go around breaking computer servers with a sledgehammer? I have this image in my head of him going all Office Space on a copy machine in the middle of a field. Does he shred people’s bank statements for a living? Whatever.

This next dude has an egg? What is this? Travis – some sort of sales rep. He also has a mohawk. Oh, so this egg is a symbol of two beautiful people – Emily and her daughter. During this journey, he will take care of the egg like he will take care of her and her daughter. WTF.  Apparently it’s an ostrich egg. This egg is going to get broken really soon, there’s like 20 bros inside that have been pounding liquor since they walked through the door.

Alejandro – mushroom farmer. Seriously? Is that a drug reference? He starts trying to seduce her with his sexy Spanish. She comes back with some 6th grade level phrase. He goes for more sexy Spanish. She’s has absolutely no idea what just happened.

Ryan – sports trainer from GA. He’s the football guy. My roommates think this guy will be successful. He pulls out a note so he can “remember what to say”. One side says “you are beautiful” and the other says “I’m so nervous”. This Probably played well with the ladies. Going to save this idea for the bar in a few weeks.

Oh no. Some dude is bringing a helicopter. The other bros are threatened. We’re not even an hour into the show and we already got a helicopter.

It’s Kalon. Luxury brand consultant. He looks like a huge douche. Also, he actually was late to this event. This guy IS courtney-the-bitchy-model’s character from The Bachelor. EVERYONE will hate him. He fucked himself already. He doesn’t understand that they hate him. Haha they all basically refuse to speak to him.

They’re saying something about an immunity rose or something? Didn’t know about that part. Fuckkkk where are the rules ABC!?!

The atmosphere at this house is just, like, fancy cat calling all the time. Whenever she walks up they just applaud and cheer because she’s so hot. They’re going to schmooze a little bit now before she starts cutting bros.

One guy has SIX kids. HOLY SHIT. You, sir, need to go back home. You need zero more children.

She is getting dragged all over the place. Lots of cutting in and stealing the girl. This is how this show his going to go, I think. Lots of angry bros, and very over-possessive.

One dude gives her a bobble head of himself. I don’t get it. A souvenir? He also has a bobble head of her? That’s weird. He says that the bobble heads have already “been through a lot together.” Has he been having weird doll sex with them? “Oooh Emily I love you so much!” “Mmmm you too [insert name]!” “Let’s make out!” “Okay!” Then the doll sex.

The egg dude is fucking weird. This whole idea is such a swing-and-a-miss for this guy.

All the guys with kids are playing that card so hard. Like, literally going all in on the kid card. Showing pictures, etc. One guy breaks out a letter that his son wrote. This is a strong move – I think. He definitely sat his kid down and didn’t let him watch TV until he wrote down every word his dad said in cute little scribbly handwriting.

Here comes host bro with the “first impression rose” on a silver platter. Is this the immunity rose? Everyone is quiet. Can’t they just physically fight for it?

“Wolf” the data destruction specialist is pissed because it’s almost rose time and he hasn’t gotten any alone time with Emily yet. He gets up and goes on the war path. Dramatic music. Commercial.

Douchey helicopter guy thinks he’s going to win the helicopter rose. I mean first impression rose. He gets cut in on. Douchey guy is pissed. Like, doesn’t want to give her up. He is officially a super-douche. They all call him “helicopter guy”. They are already talking shit. Stevie the party MC is starting most of it.

She gives the first impression rose to the guy whose kid wrote the letter to her. Better get that kid a new playstation or something. Hell, get him a go-kart, he earned it.

I can tell that the producers are setting up the helicopter guy to be the villain already. He thinks he’s pretty hot shit.

Bunch of dudes get roses. Travis, egg dude, gets the last one. I really wanted him to lose and then just SMASH the egg and say “This is our love, Emily! Arggggg” Maybe he’s pledging a frat and has to carry it around along with a fanny pack full of condoms, cigarettes, and a bottle opener.

Lastly, one guy who lost gets a little camera time and says Emily missed out on a great guy, and a great body too. “She didn’t get to see any of the goods.” Then he just takes his clothes off. Show over.

So, all in all, interesting new dynamic here but I think I’m going to keep watching. I’m not crazy about Emily, but the Charlotte thing is awesome. Don’t really have much opinion on many of the guys yet, but I think Arie will probably win.

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