Episode 4 – Bermuda!

Episode 4

So this time, there is the standard 1-on-1, a group date, and the rare, exotic 2-on-1 date! Bro explains that the loser of this date will be kicked off. A high stakes menage a trois. That’s french for “3-way.”

They’re going to Bermuda. Bros are high-fiving. I want to go. She’s aimlessly wandering in a random field, and says she can’t wait to be back here with her husband, when she’s pregnant and pushing a baby stroller. That basically means she wants to have children non-stop for the next two years. Haha then they show all these bros riding around on those mopeds like it’s fucking Days of Thunder. This is fairly accurate, because tourists always rent those stupid things in Carribean countries and nobody can ever drive them very well.

Shameless plug for the resort they’re staying at. They even have one of the dudes say it, like he’s actually heard of this stupid resort before.

Doug gets the 1-on-1.

Arie wants Doug to go home. He wants to get rid of the “football team” and get down to the “real stuff”, not the bromance. Shut up, Arie.

Doug is legit freaking out about this. Like, about to have a panic attack, he’s so nervous. All the guys are trying to make him feel better/make his head explode. Doug now hates everyone. Then Emily walks in and Doug jumps up to give her a bro-hug and tell her she looks pretty.

Arie calls Doug the Hulk, and comes up with: “Doug angry, Doug smash, Doug sad”. Arie’s kind of a little bitch in the safety and privacy of these confessionals.

She takes Doug shopping or something, and this guy is obviously super different when he’s around her. He seems to be going for that girl’s guy sort of thing. I guess some girls are into that, but it’s not a sustainable strategy. You gotta be cool with the bros too. Now he’s talking about how he started a charity, and appropriately she goes “of course you did”.

I like her. This is EXACTLY what I would have said. Except she kind of chickens out and says “I get more and more impressed by you every day” Look, if you’re going to call someone out for being full of shit, just do it. So what if you’re an asshole, at least you have conviction. HAHAHAHA they flash his title, and now it says “Doug – 33. Charity Director/Realtor. Seattle, WA” Did it always say that? I hope not. Way to do your research, ABC.

At dinner, she says she wants him to open up, and she wants to know if there’s more to him than just being a positive dad. This translates to: “talk about something else now” She wants to know what his flaws are. He basically dances around it. This is like the “what’s your biggest weakness?” question in a job interview. His answers are basically the same as “Oh I work too hard and sometimes I don’t accept anything less than perfection”.

This guy is trying too hard. She’s seeing right through it. She starts listing everything she thinks is a flaw about her, and he just rejects all of them and is like “noooo those aren’t flaws!”. She’s skeptical that he’s “too perfect”. I agree, he’s just trying to think of the right things to say to keep advancing. This is definitely fair, but it’s not really what she’s trying to get out of him. It’s like a Princess Bride style battle of wits to see who can outlast the other. Doug wins this one, and gets a rose. Then he talks about how he wants to kiss her, but says Emily needs to let him know first. Producers cut this one to show Emily’s “Doug-if you don’t kiss me you’re fucking gay” face. Then he says “this was a great dinner” and they get up and leave. Haha these producers are dicks.

Now the group date at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. Frat. Kalon says he’s excited to “hit the high seas” and “get some sun” and that this is “his element” I really, really hate him.

They’re going to have a little yacht race, and the winning team gets more Emily time while the losers go home. Sean the blonde hottie says “this just got extremely serious”. He then reminds us that he played D-1 football and he’s used to it. Turns out he played linebacker at Kansas State. Sailing is a little different than running the cover-2, bro.

Haha Jef’s hair looks pretty dumb in the wind. No product to save you now. You are exposed for the weird-haircut fraud you really are.

Yellow team wins. Bros are super pumped. Yacht club employee skippering the winning boat does not give one fuck about this show.

On the loser’s bus headed back to the hotel, this guy Charlie (the one with the plate in his head or whatever) is actually crying. Is this a fucking joke? These guys.

At the winners dinner or whatever, Ryan with the massive jaw makes a toast to his future “trophy” wife. Arie obviously has something bitchy and condescending to say about this, but only in safety of his hiding spot in the confessional where the mean football players can’t find him.

Then Emily and Arie share a terribly small blanket on some beach. This thing is like the size of bath towel, and Arie really struggles to master its secrets. He tells her he misses her so much – since last week when they spent all that time together. Then he goes “I missed youuuuuuu” straight into the make out. Not sure if that’s what I would have gone for there. At least if I was sober. That seems like a drunk move I see all the time. Maybe he was drunk? Then he does the “gently brush the hair out of her face” move. Also a drunk move that I’m pretty sure I’ve done before. Blackout Arie?

She does the same thing with Jef. Same comically small blanket. He seems kind of shy, maybe cause Arie and Emily just banged it out all over that blanket that’s rubbing on Jef’s face right now. Jef is pretty reserved, and she’s like “I want you to open up to me and tell me stuff, and he’s like, yeah maybe later.” I think this might work out for him. Playing this like it’s a real relationship where you gradually get to know someone and don’t just immediately tell them everything about yourself and then debate what to name your third and fourth children. She later says that she really wanted Jef to kiss her and he didn’t. She’s getting kind of slutty about this…

Ryan’s up next. They don’t go to the beach with the tiny blanket. He starts spewing bullshit again, and she totally calls him out on it. He said something like “I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.” She brings up the comment he made about her butt and the gym and her being fat when she gets old. He then says “God designed you to be a beautiful women, so be a beautiful woman!” This guy is an idiot. Unfortunately, he thinks he’s really fucking slick. He says “where much is given, much is required” I think his is from Spiderman. He also says he was praying at the rose ceremony that she would use this amazing opportunity as The Bachelorette to impact tons and tons people. Tons of young ladies that are going to respond with how she carries herself and holds herself to a high standard. And he was having a hard time when she kissed Arie in the hallway last time. This guy is such a fucking idiot. He needs to limit his speech to like 5 words at a time. She accurately points out that he needs to fucking get over it (because in like 3 weeks she’s going to be having sex with like 6 different guys at once).

On the group date, Jef gets the rose. I think he has a plan. He’s got this kind of cautious, don’t say anything dumb thing strategy.

2-on-1 date is John aka “Wolf” and Nate. Nate the accountant? I know literally nothing about him. The other guy is John “Wolf” the data destruction specialist. #teamwolf. This is an awkward proposition. Going on a date with a girl, while another guy is also going on a date with that girl. He’s actually sort of on a date with the other guy, too.

Back at the resort, everyone votes and they think that Wolf is going to win. Ryan, the dumbass with the big jaw, thinks that Wolf is going to win because he’s 30 and the other guy is 25. He quickly notes that “that’s a five year difference, that’s a big difference”. Chris, (the 25-year-old who freaked Emily out when she asked him how old he was last episode and he correctly told her that he was 25) is obviously going to say that it doesn’t matter how old you are. All the 30-year old guys basically say that they are more mature and thus better. This is so stupid.

Back at the menage a trois, they get a SICK yacht. The go to some island to jump off some cliffs. Wolf tries to do some fancy pirouette dive off like a 30 foot cliff, obviously botches it, and lands flat on his stomach. No camera time is given to this, and I don’t appreciate it.

They go to have dinner in these caves. Hahahaha they’re sitting last supper style, all on the same side of the table. She is Jesus in this scenario. This is THE most awkward thing ever. They talk about the quinoa. Nate says it looks fantastic. Wolf says he doesn’t want to eat it. Nate says he doesn’t want to either. For goodness sake, somebody please do something interesting. Not involving the quinoa.

She and Nate go talk in private, and he starts crying because his life and family and friends are so great. These guys are so weird. Does the same thing with Wolf, and he interestingly does not cry unprovoked.

Now we get the most awkward elimination ever. They are in a remote part of this cave labyrinth. Nate gets cut. BRUTAL. She has to walk him out, because otherwise he would get lost and die in there. She appears to have removed her 4-inch heels and is walking barefoot in a cave. I’ve noticed women REALLY hate to actually wear their shoes on their feet and prefer to wear them in their hands or in their purse.

Back at the resort, Ryan says he feels so confident because they had a great conversation. I don’t know that I would even call that a positive conversation, but whatever. Might even call it a negative. Ryan really sucks. He thinks he’s such a lady killer. Arie’s going in for the intercept. This is another conflict brewing. You know the producers had to make up a new one now that they kicked Stevie off. Ryan says he’s athletic, and charming, and etc. etc. and he’s just doing his due diligence on Emily before he commits. He thinks he’s a guy that makes the other guys insecure and he’s a frontrunner. He feels sorry for the other guys because of it. Arie cuts in and says that his connection with Emily is REAL AND INTENSE! This show is getting ridiculous. These guys are so possessive. Also, Arie is kind of fucking weird. He won’t stop, like, rubbing her legs with his fingers and shit. But he does it a little too gently, you know? Like he’s knows he shouldn’t really be doing it, but he feels like he can get away with it.

Ryan says “If I was The Bachelor, I’d be ready to open my heart up and it would be neat for everybody to see.” Real subtle, bro.

Sean gets some alone time, talks about Ricki, then does this awkward “canIhaveakis-” right before they do. Then he says how it gets more and more amazing every time they kiss. These guys are giving a lot of weight to “kissing”. Am I missing something? Are they all virgins? I don’t think kissing a girl is THAT groundbreaking.

Chris gets pulled aside and me makes sure to tell Emily that somebody told him he’s too young for this shit cause he’s 25. It “makes him sick” that Doug thinks he’s too young to be a father/husband. I don’t know if it would make me “sick.” I’ll be 25 in 2 years. Totally a fair concern from my perspective. Chris gets bold and pulls Doug aside and wants to have a little “chat.” Producers all just got huge boners.

This is an awful conversation. This conversation had no direction from the start. It went from “I didn’t like what you said to me” to “you piss me off and I don’t believe in you as a person”. This is the problem when you put so many overly muscular dudes in a house together. It’s one big dick-measuring contest all the time. Only Emily doesn’t care who has the biggest dick, she just wants a pretty big one who isn’t too much of a douche about it.

I don’t like her pants-dress thing at this rose ceremony. It’s disorienting.

She sits down with Chris Harrison the host, and he calls her out for Arie always KISSING her while Jef NEVER KISSES her. The drama here is unreal.

They have her slowly and carefully pick up Kalon-the-douchebag’s picture and look at it pensively. Then she puts it down and walks away. Calling it right now, he’s staying, but he’s the last rose called. Too easy, ABC.

Damn. Kalon was 2nd to last. I’m embarrassed.

Wow, Charlie the guy with the plate in his head got cut. And the long-haired guy Michael. The mushroom farmer got to stay? There’s no way she remembers that he’s a mushroom farmer. Mushrooms are gross anyway. I think this guy Michael’s exit interview is the first time I’ve heard him speak. And let’s be honest, I’m watching this pretty closely. I’m writing thousands of words on it.

K that’s the end. Going to London next week. Let’s get weird!