Episode 5 – London

Episode 5 – London

10 guys left at this point.

Sean gets the 1-on-1 date, his first. They are riding on their very own double-decker bus! He stands up and yells something dumb to the citizens of London.  He generally does a bunch of weak shit. Not really worth writing about. They show up somewhere called speaker’s corner and he says some stupid speech about love. It’s repetitive and has very poor flow. I don’t think he’s real bright. But whatever, he’s super jacked. They go for dinner in the Tower of London. She suddenly sounds really raspy. She mentions that this used to be a prison, and they sit down for some dinner. Enjoy your gruel! Then she says “Sean is totally my prisoner of love tonight” Ok, 50 Shades of Grey.

He says today was the best day he’s ever had in his life. I’m sad about that. Then she asks him point blank how many kids he wants. “3,4,6,8?” Is that what he said? This guy is full of shit. No man wants 8 kids. Any woman who has sired 8 children has GOT to be an ornery bitch. You would never be able to make any point, because “I birthed 8 of your children” is the ultimate trump card. You really only need like 3 kids, just enough to make sure you get at least one boy who has at least some chance of becoming a professional athlete.

They go for the make out. She’s tagged a bunch of these dudes already, she’s really skanking it up. “I really like my kisses with Sean. I think my kisses and my relationship with Sean are only going to get better.” Holy shit. It’s so obvious she has a six-year-old. I really like our kisses, who the fuck says that?

The more I watch this show, the more I realize this is a horrible way to get married.

Back at the colossal hotel suite, Kalon says something about how every date with Emily would be a “group” date because of Ricki. Other bros are offended. Like, seriously offended. I don’t think this was that insensitive. Just kind of an unfunny joke.

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…” is what the date card says. Bros are confused and trying to figure out “what the hell does this mean!?!” It’s obviously Shakespeare, you dumb fucks. Guess they don’t have copies of Romeo & Juliet at Planet Fitness. Finally one guy figures it out, and then Wolf says “we’re just a bunch of macho dumbasses”. Own it Wolf, own it.

They go to Stratford-on-Avon, pretty cool. I’d like to go wander around there for a few hours. Why is her voice so hoarse? Probably because she caught mono or some shit from the 13 dudes she’s been making out with.

They have to perform Romeo & Juliet. Kalon and Ryan are Romeos. Kalon says “My performance today is extremely important” ad then he tells her that he “needs to practice his rehearsals” and for her to “run along”. Obviously this pisses her off and Kalon is an idiot who just wants to beat the other guys at something because he probably got 4th place at his youth figure skating regionals when he was a kid.

Ryan is pumped because he plays the Romeo that gets to kiss Emily, and Arie has to play the nurse. Arie tries to rehearse his lines, and doesn’t know what any of the old English words mean. All he knows is “I wanna go fast”. Arie says that performing in this play is “his worst nightmare”. I think I could handle this, but getting in a fiery indycar crash at 200+ mph would be a pretty big nightmare for me. Honestly though, I think playing the nurse is the best part in this play. Romeo is easy to fuck up, and the nurse is all upside.

Ryan on Arie – “I’m getting the kiss tonight and Arie’s gonna have to sit there in his lil’ woman dress”. Ryan is a dumbass.

Arie on Ryan – “if Shakespeare were alive to see Ryan, he would say ‘thou-est suck'”. Arie is a loser.

Now beers at the pub. Cocktail party, I guess these are called.

Arie gets her out back and is going for the double hand-hold. Cuddling under the blanket. Smooching. Soft-speaking. Just straight-up make out. I might have to ballgame this one for him. It’s a very unmanly style, but she seems to be going for it.

Ryan is wearing a fucking vest in this British pub. I can’t handle these guys with their little vests. Where do you buy this shit? Ryan gets his private time and closes the curtains. He gives her some jewelry. She is definitely not impressed.

Kalon is pissed that he doesn’t have a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who’s away from her child. I don’t really know why he would phrase it like that, but whatever.

Uh oh, word is that Kalon called Ricki “baggage”. Obviously someone is going to run and tell Emily ASAP. These guys are just like middle school girls.

Bros confront him about it. Wow, Kalon is actually defending this comment. He’s saying that “baggage” shouldn’t have a negative connotation. Maybe because he has Louis Vuitton luggage and he LOVES his baggage.

Doug told her. My goodness, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. “I wanna go West Virginia, hoodrat, backwoods on his ass” Nice. Honestly, I bet she could beat Kalon’s ass. Quickly, too.

She totally owns Kalon. He tells her that he did indeed say it, and she tells him to get the fuck out. She calls him a terrible person. Doug gets brave and tries to capitalize on this and go for some “comforting” and she denies him very quickly.

1-on-1 with Jef. Afternoon tea. This is basically a manners training session with an old english woman. Her name is Jean. Jef wishes Jean would just chill out and let him do his thing. I actually like him. He seems pretty normal, even if he is a little hip for my taste. They scoot on out of there and head to the pub. Jef orders two pints and fish and chips. Solid order, bro. Oh, whoops I thought that was just for him.

Jef just says “if Ricki’s baggage, then she’s a chloe handbag that I want forever” That’s pretty gay. I’m just assuming that a “chloe handbag” is pretty expensive and/or desirable. If you desire handbags.

What happens next is one of the best lines I’ve heard in a while. They’re eating dessert on the London Eye, and Emily says, “So when me and a 6 year old move to Salt Lake, it wouldn’t be like, “party’s over?” Jef, no hesitation, comes back with “No, the party’s just beginning.” Best line ever. I’m so impressed by that. He has absolutely rock-solid game. Also says, “I want to be best friends with you”. He is really talented. Just clean, mistake-free work. He should go for the make out. Well, he pretty awkwardly told her a little speech about how she wanted to kiss her. She says thank you. And then they kiss. Brass orchestra plays. She seems into it.

Back to the cocktail party w/ all the bros. Ryan is wearing a suit, a black v-neck tee, and a scarf. I have a personal vendetta against this guy’s wardrobe.

On to the rose ceremony. Let me reiterate that skinny ties are dumb. Sean’s tie is too wide. It looks like Men’s Warehouse.

Elimination comes down to Alejandro or Arie. Please. I will say that I retract what I previously said about him being a mushroom farmer. Google him. He had a TED talk. He graduated from Haas at Berkeley. Worked at Morgan Stanley. Also survived cancer. So, yeah.

Anyway, Jef, Arie, and Sean look really strong. Chris and Ryan are lurking. Doug is in the friend zone. All the others are just there for change of pace.

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