Episode 6 – Croatia and Scotland and Ryan’s Finger Hairs

So Croatia looks fucking awesome. I can’t exactly point to it on a map, but it looks nice. Jef says that “croatia is the perfect place to fall in love” – sure, why not.

More shameless plugging for whatever resort this is. Emily meets them in their suite: it must be awkward for her to have to hug every bro one-by-one every time she walks into a room. Ryan is pumped that he got to put his arm around her when she sat down.

Travis gets the first date. They buy some stupid sculpture from a hobo on the street. His beard looks like…I don’t even want to say it. I think there are cookie crumbs in his beard.

They find this thing called “the balancing stone” – if you can balance on it and take your shirt off, you’ll be “lucky in love.” Travis quickly proves his lack of coordination, and can barely stand on the thing. Then he gets down and gives her a hug like he just won something. Dude, you’re supposed to take your shirt off.  Even if you can’t do it on the stone, you just take it off. She even tells the camera that she wanted to see what you’re working with. This show loves shirtless dudes.

Back at the suite. OH MY GOD RYAN’S WIFEBEATER. YOU ARE NOT 50 CENT. WHAT IS THAT, DOLCE & GABBANNA? DUDE. Apparently he said something douchey, but I was too distracted by whatever the fuck was going on on his torso. Later, Ryan gets the other 1-on-1.

Back at dinner with Travis. She picks up the rose, and gives him this nice speech about how he’s so nice and is always smiling. And that they have that great friendship foundation that is so important in a relationship. Oh no. Friend zoned. Wow, she tells him there’s no romantic connection and then doesn’t give him the rose. Wow. I mean, I agree and that’s pretty obvious, but ouch. He has to make his walk of shame in the rain. Did the producers make it rain? I bet one of those assholes is standing off camera with a hose. As he’s walking, he dramatically tosses the umbrella aside to just let the rain fall down like a million tears. Or one of those blatant metaphors. Smooth, producers.

Now for the other 6 bros to go on the group date. They’re going to a movie. IT’S DISNEY PIXAR’S BRAVE! BECAUSE DISNEY OWNS ABC! I WONDER IF THEY KNEW ABOUT THIS SURPRISING CONNECTION? Ok, this is like an extended trailer for this stupid movie.  When the main character girl shoots an arrow through another arrow on screen, Arie goes “so cool!”. Nice, Arie.

Oh boy! Just like in the movie, they’re going to have their very own highland games! And they have to wear kilts. In Croatia. Again, don’t know where Croatia is, but it is probably not in Scotland.

Aaaaand they have to ride donkeys on the way there. Apparently it’s customary in Croatia for men to ride donkeys into battle. I bet they lost every fucking battle they were ever a part of. I wonder if anyone thinks it’s strange that they’re wearing kilts and listening to bagpipes in Croatia. Doug notices this contradiction, but he gets over it pretty quick.

First event, archery. Everyone is pretty good except Chris who fails in dramatic fashion and looks like a fairy while he’s doing it.

Second event, they have to throw these big ass logs around. Chris volunteers to go first, and he fails horribly. He was literally disqualified. Arie goes next, and is barely qualified. Jef, of course, is womanly and disqualified. Sean goes and breaks the fucking log in two. Arie is arguing for Sean to get DQ’ed. Emily is off in the corner with her hand down her pants, moaning because Sean is so sexy.

Last event, basically some sort of 1-on-1 tug of war game. Chris goes first and picks Doug as his opponent, but apparently Chris forgot that Doug is massive. He should have taken on Jef because Jef loves Chloe handbags. Obviously Doug wins because he’s fucking huge. Then Sean beats Doug. Chris loses everything but he wins the “bravery” mug award. This is the pity award. I wonder if they’re going to tie this in to the movie again. Chris seems proud of himself. Dude, shut the fuck up, this is like that purple participation ribbon I always got on swim team for not drowning while doing the butterfly.

Now for the highland games afterparty, where Emily is wearing her new years eve dress. Black sequins. Yeah, I’ve been to a few new years parties. I know what a new years eve dress is. It’s “Brave” to wear a black sequined dress on a night other than December 31st. See that movie tie-in?

Alone time with Sean – they kiss a little bit.

Alone time with Arie – I want to vomit. Arie puts on a strong move though and makes out with her against a random wall in an alleyway.

Ryan talks about how he had a great day alone. And that he used to play pro football. He is awkwardly shaving his beard into intricate designs.

Alone time with Jef – small talk and then they make out. She’s going to make out with all these dudes in one night. I wonder if the last guy in line ever thinks about that.

Alone time with Chris – He says he would trade in the bravery mug for a rose. I would definitely try really hard to keep the mug. I mean if you had to pick one, I guess you have to take the rose, but that mug is one-of-a-kind.

She gets too excited by Chris’ continued failings today and runs over to immediately grab the rose and give it to him. Unfortunately all the other bros are huddled around the rose pounding liquor. She just scoots over there and says “I’m just not gonna make eye contact” and then grabs it and runs away. Arie says “every time I think I’m going to get a rose, I don’t” Cry me a fucking river, Arie. Quit being such a little bitch.

Ryan is about to go on his 1-on-1. Chris says “It takes the guy 3 hours to get ready. He shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff. It’s weird” Wow. Pretty sexy, huh ladies?

Ryan is bragging that he’s a very safe driver and doesn’t get in accidents. Put it on your fucking resume, that’s great. He’s getting honked at a lot.

They go oystering. She puts one in her mouth but doesn’t even swallow it. She spits it right out in the water. She probably would have swallowed if it was Arie. Hiyooooo.

Ryan drops the phrase “trophy wife” which is a definite no-no. You only say that to other men.

At dinner, she basically dogs him the whole time while he talks about nothing. She tells him she’s going to cut him. He is confused and doesn’t understand. He wore his turquoise shoes! Look how perfectly cropped my beard is! You are my trophy! Look how good looking I am, and I played pro football! He tells her “that is very shocking”. What the fuck is wrong with this dude. He is so into himself. He tells her she’s making the wrong choice. He thinks he’s the one that’s right for her and she doesn’t see it. Really, bro? I don’t know if you can talk your way out of this one. Wait, oh my God, he might actually do it. Quit looking at him, Emily! Quit listening!

Yes. She doesn’t give it to him. He’s still talking. Not giving up. Ok, she really isn’t giving it to him. He’s walking away.

Back at the suite, they come and take Ryan’s suitcase. The other bros are pumped. Ryan says “i wonder how shocked those guys will be to find i’m not coming back? I’ll miss those guys, we’ve built great friendships” – then cut to all the bros in the suite high fiving now that he’s gone. He goes on to say that he’s a winner, and that “I’ve been given many worldly gifts”. He just hopes the producers “Portray me exactly who I am and not an arrogant ass” He really wants to be the bachelor, and I’ve got to think it’s very unlikely at this point.

Back at Emily’s place, Arie decides that he needs to go comfort her from all the stress she’s been under and say how pumped he is that she kicked off Ryan. Initially, she’s like, what’s going on? Why the fuck are you here? He just wants to tell her how happy he is that she kicked off Ryan. Why is he allowed to do this? This seems unfair to the other bros. Oh wow, they’re actually laying in her bed. As soon as these cameras go off, they are about to bang it out. Honestly, it’s fucking brutal to watch these two speak to each other. Nicknames and baby talk are coming soon. Arie seems like he would just want to lay there and cuddle or whatever. They actually show her “walking him out”. If I were him, I’d make an effort to “walk back in” Arie says he would ask her to marry him tomorrow. Is that even allowed? Would she have to say no? I’ll put my research team on it.

So now for the cocktail party thing. 2 guys down already this week, 6 left. I’ve got to think John aka Wolf goes home here. He hasn’t gotten a lot of tv time. She actually explicitly mentioned that right after I typed it. I’m getting really good at this.

They sit down and he shows her his grandparents funeral cards, which he apparently nobody knows about. I guess they share a connection over that. Then they make out.

Now for some time with Doug. Doug is so different around Emily than he is around the dudes. I hate guys like that. Guys will never respect you if you go too soft when you’re around girls and then try and be mr. tough guy around the bros. I know it seems like what they want, but they also want to get married to a man, not her therapist. I mean, I guess therapists get married too, but you know what I mean.

Doug blew it I think. It’s too late in the game to keep around the friend zone dude. My money says Doug goes home. They show him crying about missing his son. Seeing all these man tears is really uncomfortable for me.

I wonder what Jef’s hair looks like when he doesn’t have any product in it. Front-mullet?

Sean, Jef, Arie get roses first. That’s obvious. Now down to Wolf and Doug.

Previews hinted that she’s not going to give this rose out. Going from 8 to 4 in one episode would be a HUGE week. She runs out to Chris Harrison. Tells him that she doesn’t want to give anyone the rose. Wow. She is an absolute KILLER.

OHHHH FUCK THAT. NO FUCKING WAY. SHE GOT ANOTHER ROSE FROM HARRISON. NO FUCKING WAY. THIS SHOW IS SUCH BULLSHIT UGHHHHHH.

Well, I got got. They even had her say “I just can’t hand out this final rose” or some shit like that. Un-fucking-believable. I mean, I never should have believed that she would cut both of them because then ABC loses out on, like, 2 episodes and probably several million dollars in ad revenue, but whatever.

Next week going to Prague. She makes out with all of them. Weeeeooooo!

 

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