Episode 7 – Arie’s Lies, Chris Cries, and Jef is Bi(curious)

Episode 7 – Prague

Emily mentions that she didn’t send anyone home last week cause she wants to be sure about it. Guess she forgot about the 2 that she sent home.

Hometowns next week! 6 bros left. 4 Dates. 3 1-on-1s, but with no roses. 1 rose on the group date. See, this is why I can never get a solid handle on the rules. They are always changing and there is no ABC website that tells me what the most recent iteration is.

Arie gets the first card. “Let’s czech out prague together”. They have to show the card so that we get the joke. I bet half of the viewers still didn’t get it.

She and Arie just walk around prague and kiss each other for most of the time. She talks about how Arie has a secret that he’s hiding from her. I heard about this and got too excited and peeked before hand. He dated a producer or something.

Oh perfect, Chris Harris is going to break it down for us in a nice little aside speech. Cassie Lambert is the producer’s name. Arie apparently had a “very brief” relationship with her. I wish they would define “very brief”. I’m going to assume one night.

They arrange a secret interview with Emily and Cassie. It’s just constant girl whining. I’m immune to this kind of thing so I didn’t catch much of it. So what – Arie banged a producer, big deal.

So now she’s setting his poor ass up with some classic womanly leading questions. “Have you been open with me?” “Do you think you’re trustworthy?” She’s tricking him into monologuing about honestly. She thinks it’s important to be “open about everything and not having any secrets”. He says he’s going to be honest: he had a tattoo. Serious stink-eye after that one. She’s pissed about this.

Back to another Harris monologue. Evidently, they all talked it out. Arie though it was so short and so long ago that it didn’t matter. Emily agrees. Then they film them talking about it. Everyone is apologizing to everyone. Now they kiss. Whenever guys lie to their girlfriends on other TV shows it never works out this easily.

Back at the bro-suite, John “Wolf” thinks aloud that if the doesn’t get a 1-on-1 date, then he doesn’t like his chances. Knock on the door and and he gets a 1-on-1 date. Can’t make this shit up. Unless you work as a producer for ABC and you just made that shit up.

Back at Arie’s date, he drops the L-bomb. The L-bomb is the word “Love” for all you people who don’t consider it a form of ammunition. She does not return fire, but they make out.

Arie has a very handy make out style. Really gets his hands involved all over the place. On the shoulder, behind the head, this one slow stroke of the face which I thought was super creepy. She’s happy because she doesn’t think Arie “throws that word around”. Maybe ask Cassie Lambert about that.

John “Wolf” gets his very first 1-on-1. They go to this thing called the John Lennon Wall, it has a bunch of graffiti on it. Emily says people used to do something here “during communism.” Communism still exists, dear.

Now they come to some sort of fence with locks all over it. Lovers write locks on them and lock it on the fence to symbolize their love for each other. Their lock doesn’t close. This reminds me of Emily’s relationship because they haven’t been able to connect. The thing I like about this show they really make the metaphors easy for me. Oh, they just had to leave the key in while they closed it. Emily clearly didn’t read directions. Maybe reading directions should be a bigger part of your relationship.

Back at the suite, bros are sitting and talking about Emily. Do they let these guys watch TV? They just sit around and talk about Emily ALL DAY. Chris gets bored of sitting around and talking about Emily, and then goes and looks pensively out the window. While thinking about Emily.

Wolf and Emily are going to dinner in a castle. He has to eat dinner in a dark and dungeon-like environment again, just like the 2-on-1. He tells a story about how he got cheated on or dumped or something. He said vulnerable. Stop it.

They announce the team for the group date: Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris badly wants to kill himself. John “Wolf” gets back and calmly says his date went pretty well. Chris now wants to kill everyone else as well. Sean decides that he has to see Emily tonight – right now.

Is he just wandering around Prague looking for her? This can’t be right. He’s running down random alleys and shit. I must be missing something. So either he doesn’t know where she is and he thinks it’s a good idea to just to look for her, or he knows where she is and the producers are making him look lost. There’s no way they just let her loose in the Czech Republic at night. Eastern Europe is slightly more dangerous than suburban Charlotte.

WTF she was just standing in some random fucking alleyway. This is so dumb. “This is a nice surprise!” she says. There’s no way this was a surprise. When little blonde girls get surprised in an alley in Prague by a really jacked dude at night, it’s not usually “nice surprise”.

They go have a drink at some restaurant and he basically makes his own 1-on-1. Then they go outside and make out up against a wall.

So now for the tri-bro group date. Carriage to a castle. This shit looks like fucking Hogwarts. Towers and big iron doors and shit. 10 points to Gryffindor!

Emily walks around with Doug. Obviously they talk about his kid some more. He’s super awkward. He’s like, apologizing for touching her. Too late in the game for this, bro. Don’t think he realizes he’s supposed to propose to her in like 3 weeks.

She pulls him aside and tells him she doesn’t see any indication from his end that he actually likes her. In other words, make some sort of move. It cuts away to him saying, I wish she would have given me the “give me a kiss eyes”. Um, apparently her eyes are always in that mode based on her behavior with these other guys. She’s giving him a speech. About how he hasn’t been going fast enough, or showing her that he likes her. Wow, I think she’s cutting him. He takes the chance to kiss her. She says “thank you…for that”. That was horribly awkward. He says “did I do something wrong?” This guy is just too nice. He says he thought Emily wanted somebody who just wanted to “get to know her – the real her”. I’d say Arie has “gotten to know” her a lot. On boats, against walls, in her bed, etc.

Doug is crying in the black Bachelorette rejection van. She really just sends people home whenever she wants. I guess not a huge fan of the rose ceremony format. Again, not helping me get comfortable with the rules.

So they cut to her on a sort of 2-on-1 cocktail thing somewhere. Sean wins some sort of “pick the right key” game. His prize is to go into another dungeon and sit on another piece of furniture and make out some more.

Back at the suite, Jef gets his date card. The bros talk about how they don’t want Chris to get the rose because then he will be obnoxious. But then if he does get the rose he’ll be obnoxious.

Back to the castle, Chris is telling her that he’s upset with her because he hasn’t gotten a date in a long time. She’s says sorry.

Now to give the rose to one of the two bros. Obviously Sean. Chris is going to burn down the entire city of Prague.

So for Jef’s date, he and Emily go to some puppet store. Pretty standard. They each get a creepy little Jigsaw puppet of themselves. But what’s this? Jef has something up his sleeve. He goes in and gets a little girl puppet to add to their little puppet family. SO STRONG. Jef has absolutely rock-solid game, and he has earned my respect. That was slick.

Then they take their puppets to this library and make them talk to each other for like 30 minutes. They are having a full-blown serious life conversation via these wooden marionettes. Then they make out. The real people, not the puppets.

Now they put down a blanket in the middle of this library so that they can be more comfortable when they make out. I don’t’ really know what they talk about because my roommates feel like it’s appropriate to have a STUPID FUCKING CONVERSATION ABOUT NOTHING WHILE I’M TRYING TO WATCH THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Now to the rose ceremony.

Emily wants to talk with Host Bro. She says she has her mind made up and doesn’t want to go through with the cocktail party. Cut to Chris, who is on the verge of tears. Host Bro comes in to tell the bros that there will be no cocktail party and they’re going straight to roses. Chris is near death. He goes outside and cries and walks around in circles. This show is so much better when it’s The Bachelor. Girls are way more entertaining. Dudes being overly emotional is not as fun, and is generally not as believable. I’d prefer that they just get drunk and scream at each other.

Where the fuck are they, btw? This looks like Beauty and the Beast. There’s going to be some dancing teapots and candlesticks and shit running around and singing show tunes pretty soon. There’s roses too. And a beautiful girl. And a man named “wolf”. I don’t really remember anything that happens in Beauty and the Beast other than the rose was a central plot point. Wasn’t really my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid. Lion King 4 Lyfe. Next week we will be taking the boys to exotic Pride Rock!

Emily steps up to the plate. Of roses. High stakes – this is for a hometown visit. Jef first. Arie next. Chris currently having a series of minor strokes. He looks like he’s going to vomit. He says he really needs to talk to her. So it’s going to be word vomit. Wolf is like, nah that’s cool bro I’ll just wait here. They are just letting Chris sit her down outside and have a quick 1-on-1 date. There are seriously no rules to this game. He says a bunch of nondescript love words.

Back to the room, and Chris gets the last rose. If I was Wolf I would say Chris cheated. I would tell Chris Harrison to go fuck himself. No dancing teapots for poor Wolf.

Tune in next week to see if Chris can survive any more minor inconveniences without crying!

 

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