HOMETOWNS!!!!!!!!!!1111

Episode Whatever – Hometowns!!!

So I’m at the beach this week, and blogging remotely, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m very sunburned and also pretty drunk, so whatever.

OMAGAWWWD BACK IN CHARLOTTE. K i’ll try and hold off on the all caps for a bit. Hometowns this week.

She just said Arie has the “bad boy edge”. Let’s discuss. Ryan called him “dainty”. He wears skinny ties. Producers need to re-think the script a little.

Chris goes first. He’s first generation polish-american. His dad is from Poland. Not a good match with West Virginian. Some eat sausage, some eat raccoon. All speak in foreign language.

Chris says his family is going to be pumped to meet their “future daughter-in-law.” Bold statement for the first hometown date out of four. He probably thought he was last. Dumbass. Haha Chris’ dad is super polish. He has such a thick accent.

I’m watching this garbage upstairs at the beach house while everyone else is downstairs eating and drinking and enjoying their vacation. I have a disease.

His sister is hot. Definitely a 1. 1 on the binary scale, if you dinosaurs are sill on the 1-10 scale. i.e. 1 means yes, 0 means no. You get the idea. She’s hot.

Haha Chris’ mom is a hoverer. He’s definitely a mama’s boy. It’s kind of weird that he’s only like 2 years older than I am.

He has two sisters and they look very different. Renee, the one he said would be more difficult, is strangely also the least attractive of his sisters. Typical.

So now they’re outside. He’s trying to drop an L-bomb. Blah blah blah, easing into it. “I’ve never really said this” blah blah. “I’m in love with you” “I love you”. Weak game. Jef would have dominated that. Chris is an amateur.

He surprises her with a crazy traditional Polish celebration with lederhosen and shit. Like, polka and folk music. Homegirl is from West Virginia and was engaged to a NASCAR driver, I don’t know if this is a good match.

Now for Jef. St. George Utah. His family’s ranch, which is just outside the city. I assume Salt Lake City, because I don’t know if there are any other cities in Utah.

I get the sense that there is a sizable break between the rest of the show and the hometown portion. Like, I think they get a month off. Whatevs. Speculation on my part.

This is pretty cool. Riding around in a 4×4. Shooting a little skeet? The joke is too easy so I’m just going to leave it alone. Jef is really good. Ok, asshole, shoot some trap and we”ll see how cool you feel. Ok, these are so easy. It’s not even moving. Just right down the middle every time.

He just said his parents are in South Carolina doing charity work so they can’t make it. Weren’t they just in NORTH Carolina a few weeks ago? Obviously the travel budget on this show is very liberal, so I think it’s weird that they weren’t invited. Were they too busy doing charity work for rednecks? Teaching them how to properly scratch off lotto tickets?

Now for sister interviews. Jef’s sisters are not as hot as that one Chris had. I doubt that a lot of bloggers are paying attention to this, but whatever. Chris is winning in at least one category.

There are little kids running around everywhere. Good planning by Jef.

They cut to the bro-talk. Talking about family and kids, his brother says “I’ve never seen you want these things…yet” They cut out the “yet” in the previews. Then they show the actual clip and play happy guitar chord music.

Then it’s Jef and Emily alone time. He wrote down some things on the plane home from Prague.

I don’t even know how to describe what just happened. I have raved about this man’s game for a long time, but what he just read was absolutely fantastic. I mean, I feel like he just said exactly what I would want to say if I was in that situation. There were parts about them, there were parts about Ricki, there were parts about other stuff that I don’t even remember. It was just so fantastic. If they had the rose ceremony right after that, he would win. Remember when Ryan read that letter while that dude was waiting in the back? Yeah this made that sound like hooked on phonics. Jef and I have a lot in common.

Now Arie’s turn. Scottsdale, AZ.

He’s obviously going to drive homegirl around the racetrack. Of course when she pulls up he is busy getting some laps in. She’s rocking a little black dress and some heels. He climbs out of his cart in his fire suit and they make out.

She goes to change, and they frame some stupid shot of her walking in a straight line in a tank top and a fire suit rolled down to her waist. Arie turns around and give his “wow, you’re hot!” face. It’s so staged I don’t even care.

“It’s a dream come true to share this part of my life with Emily” and great “that she embraces my career” – Your career is kind of suffering bro. Wikipedia says he’s never won a race.

He tells her that his parents are very European and weird. Whatever. They drink wine and make out.

So back to Arie’s pad. Most of his family looks fine but his sister. GROSS. Woof. Sorry, I’m kind of drunk. His mom is pretty hot. WTF happened, sister?

Parents are talking in Dutch. Now Arie talking in Dutch. This is incredibly rude. She’s like, yeahhh WTF europeans. Arie cuts it off because apparently he’s such a sweet guy.

OOHHHHH when she was talking about mistakes she was talking about the last time she was on an ABC reality show and picked a dude to marry. I should have known that, and I apologize.

Now she asks his mom about what it’s like to be married to a race car driver. With the travel, etc. Unfortunately, Arie is not a talented driver and will not likely be traveling much.

ARIE IS SO FUCKING HANDSY WITH HIS MAKEOUT STYLE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

“I’m ready to ask her hand in marriage. I’m ready to propose. I’m definitely going to marry Emily. I don’t see it any other way.” Well, give him credit for going all-in. I think I know how he feels.

Now Sean’s turn. Going last would be a huge advantage if he was actually last.

He shows up with two dogs in a v-neck and some toms. I don’t think people really wear that shit in Texas. In a bizarre twist, they sit down on a blanket and drink some wine. Filming these assholes make out is pretty rough. It’s not good. They’re a lot better in the movies.

Now to his house in suburban Dallas. He’s wearing designer jeans and converse all-stars. There’s no way this guy dresses himself at this point. He played linebacker at Kansas State .There’s literally no way.

So he introduces her to his niece’s playhouse, and that bitch is roughly the size of my room in NYC. SHIT IS NICE.

WHOAAAAAA SEAN JUST SAID HE STILL LIVES AT HOME. She says “I wanna move in here too!” Smooth. Holy shit. Dude lives at home. He still has a room. He has stuffed animals with names. “whiskers, buddy, moo-moo, froggy”. Holy shit. Sorry bro, but you’re cut. This shit is SO over.

Oh, it was a joke. He doesn’t live at home. Wow. This show keeps fucking with my shit.

Sean’s dad just dropped an interesting comment. She said that she’s gotten more out of Sean in “3 or 4 weeks” than they’ve gotten out of him in 28 years. Is this process really only a month long? Sean’s mom just said that the final episode is 3 weeks. I’ve learned more from the past 5 minutes than I’ve learned in 6 months of watching ABC reality shows.

She drives away. He runs after the car. He wants one more kiss. This shit is ridiculous. It’s so obvious they made him do that.

Lots of silly talking with Chris Harrison. My money says Chris gets cut. If not him, Sean. Jef and Arie are the final two, I’ll go ahead and guarantee it. If I’m wrong, I’ll donate all blog revenue to the charity of my choice. Which is my bank account.

Rose ceremony. 3 roses. One bro going home. Back to where he just was. Says this will be the hardest rose ceremony yet. Yes, as dictated by law of numbers.

Arie and Jef get first roses, proving how smart I am about The Bachelorette. Sean gets the last rose. Chris is cut. Probably due to his antics last week. That shit was weird and creepy.

Chris is “shocked” and wants an explanation. This dude is weird. He’s a sore loser. His tie looks like it came from a high school prom tuxedo. He says he’s 10x the man that all the other dudes are. Evidently you are not.

Next week, we’re going to some tropical island. Some more helicopters, finally. This is all I really wanted in the first place.

 

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One Response to HOMETOWNS!!!!!!!!!!1111

  1. Terri says:

    No way dude. I get that she’s reliving a psycholigical healing past with Arie as a race car driver, but I vote Sean and Jef in the final two. Arie’s family is creepy, and doesn’t encompass the embracing environment for Emily’s family desires. She’s exhibited impressive judgment up until now. Cutting Arie will be painful for her, but it will happen.

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