Episode Whatever – FANTASY SEX SUITES!!!

Curacao looks sick. What the fuck else is new. They went to a beautiful and exotic island that I’m not going to ever go to and run around and get drunk and play on the beach.

Sean gets to go first. She says that he’s the only one who hasn’t “told her how he feels”. This means he hasn’t dropped an L-bomb. This is a serious strategic error that he needs to correct ASAP.

YESSSS. Getting in a helicopter. About time we got some rotary wing aircraft up in this bitch. They go to a private island. It looks like a nasty heap of dirt, but whatever, it’s “private”.

They sit on the beach and he decides to talk about his ex-grilfriend. This a mistake. He says he loved her. Now he says he loved her but wasn’t in love with her. Emily is not amused. He says he broke up with her because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her. She’s like, “uh-huh”. He’s floundering. He’s got to say “LOVE” soon. Nope, he’s a bitch. He changes the subject.

They decide to walk into the water and go snorkeling. Wooooo she has a smoking little bod.

Now they’re gonna sit and not eat their dinner while they drink some wine. Uh oh, he wrote Ricki a letter. This is make or break for Sean right now. He’s going to be directly compared to Jef’s super suave letter. Let’s see what you got bro.

Ehh. The thought was nice. Flow was not great, he didn’t really develop the story that well. Wasn’t an A+ paper like Jef wrote. Maybe a B/B-. He also is not an incredibly strong reader. Homeboy needs to drop the L-bomb SOON.

Fuck, he had a perfect segue. “Love is just like being engaged…” he still won’t go for it. I think he has a little dick. Ohhh, wait a minute. Don’t give up on the boy! He stumbles into an “I have fallen in love with you”. Needed more authority out of that. I give it a 6/10.

YESSSS!!! A LETTER FROM CHRIS HARRISON. THIS MEANS ONLY ONE THING. “Should you forego the option to stay in your separate rooms, you can spend the night together in the fantasy suite”. Again, this is a fantastic pick-up line that my friends and I will be using very soon.

Sean says he can’t wait to stay up and talk with her all night. I think he overplayed that one a little bit. Nice idea, but probably not necessary. It’s obvious you’re just going to fuck each other’s brains out and see how it goes.

They immediately start to get drunk in the hot tub. I’m excited to see her in a bathing suit 2 more times tonight.

She says “every fiber in my body wants to say ‘stay the night'”. She’s having an internal dilemma whether or not it’s slutty to bang this guy. Note: for dudes on this show, it’s important to be first in line in this sex train. You don’t want to go third.

They show him leaving at night? WTF she’s not letting him stay!?! I bet they just fucked quick and she sent him home. Haha, yes they are both giggling like idiots when he leaves. Definitely banged it out. Sean leaves and says he knows he’s going to end up marrying that girl. Sad for him cause Arie and Jef are moving on to the finale and not him.

Jef’s turn. His hair is still so confusing to me. How does it stay like that?

What are they going to do today? Helicopter??? HELICOPTER??? Nope, they give him an old ass sailboat. It’s windy as fuck. His hair is doomed. They sit him facing so the wind blows his hair straight into place. They have a really delicious looking fruit tray that they aren’t eating. These people are horrible.

Now for the dinner part. She says, “Do i expect you to move to Charlotte? Absolutely not. Would I like to live in Salt Lake City? I’ve never been there…” She’s pretty dumb.

Jef continues to spit pretty solid game. Very little hesitation, lots of really good lines. Says some kind of gay stuff, but she’s absolutely eating it up.

Here comes the sex card with the key to the fantasy sex suite. Haha he says “I think it would be awesome to forego our individual rooms” but “I plan on spending every night with you in our own fantasy suite”. I think that’s great work. I don’t know how the thought of that. He should be a politician, he’s so quick on his feet. He basically said the same thing she was going to say. He’s playing everything right. I would almost say he’s throwing a perfect game. Let’s just see if he can overcome the hot, nasty, badass speed that is Arie the Speed Racer.

Arie’s turn. On a boat. Going swimming with dolphins. Arie says “I know nothing about dolphins, i just know they’re friendly.” What the fuck else is there to know about them asshole? You don’t have to be a fucking marine biologist with this girl, she’s from West Virginia. A dolphin is swimming around them. How are they making it do this? I bet they’re covered in fish guts or something. She’s amazed that Arie isn’t scared of the domesticated dolphin. So manly of him.

Arie is so full of shit. He is like a second-rate version of Jef. He only wishes he has that kind of game. Whatever, they still just make out all over this fucking catamaran. His hands are going everywhere. Hips, back, behind the head. Handsy.

Sitting down and eating. The crickets are REALLY loud. Some sound technician is fucking up.

She just asked him what he does on a typical Tuesday morning. LIke, what does he do on a day-to-day basis? He doesn’t have a real job – he just hangs around Scottsdale, AZ, that’s the moral of this story. She said that she thinks “There would be nothing better for Ricki than to move to Scottsdale”. Um, what? It’s hot as fuck in Scottsdale. What the hell is there in Scottsdale?

WOW! She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card. Because “I don’t trust myself to go in there, but good lord he’s hot”. Aaaand she starts crying because she really wants to “sit with” Arie and “enjoy him.” Crying because she’s so horny but she thinks she’ll look like a slut if she goes to the fantasy suite. Women are dumb. So many blue balls in this episode.

Back at home base, she sits with Chris Harrison and talks about her feelings. I didn’t pay attention and watched the Home Run Derby instead. Now there are going to be some “private personal videos”. Jef is going to absolutely crush this shit. Sean’s is going to suck. Arie will try and make out with the camera and/or a producer.

The portrait photos are so funny. My roommates and I are going to put up our own so when women come to our apartment, they have to choose which one of us to fall in love with.

Sean’s video is kind of lacking. He drops a lot of L-bombs to make up for when he was too much of a pussy to do it in person.

Jef. He drops an absolutely amazing line. “When we were together on the top of the London Eye, I didn’t want to come down, and when we were on the floor in Prague, I didn’t ever want to get up” I mean, come on. That is so good. That should be in The Notebook or something. Though he does slip up and say he wants to watch 1000 sunsets with her (which is only like 3 years, but whatever). She tears up anyway.

Arie’s is pretty good too. Sean is so fucked.

She starts crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Sean’s beautiful muscles and poor reading and writing skills.

Whatever this new outfit is, her boobs definitely got bigger. Is she pregnant? I bet it’s Chris Harrison’s baby. That would be some solid work by the producers. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want any of the dudes in her fantasy suite.

Jef gets the first rose. They made her hold on the rose and twirl it and look around for like 45 seconds. Now for the last rose omggggg. Arie gets it. Unsurprising. Sean seems sad. There’s no way he could have thought he was actually going to win.

So Sean loses. He’s really sad. I don’t like watching. I like the earlier episodes better when they were all talking shit to each other. Man crying is not enjoyable to watch.

So that’s the end. Jef and Arie, just like I thought. I am a professional. The next episode is the reunion, which hopefully will be pretty funny and will at least feature more shit-talking. Hooray.

 

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