Men Tell All!!!

No dudes in the audience? WTF bros, where you at? Chris Harrison might be the only penis in this studio. There are like a hundred candles on this set too. This is definitely a woman’s show. What am I doing.

Let’s start with some outtakes. She spills wine on some dress and starts dropping F-bombs. I like her. Remember the dude that brought the egg? He made her tuck the egg into bed and sing twinkle twinkle little star to it. This might be the dumbest thing anyone’s ever done on television. Or on Earth.

Now the preview for Bachelor Pad. I’ve heard of this, but don’t know what it is. Looks like you get 250k if you win.

Wow Chris is on it! And the girl Rachel from last season who lives in NYC. Seen her a few times out at the bar. She looks better on TV. Also Blakeley the stripper from Rutherfordton is on. And Lindzi from last season? Kalon too. Kalon talking about how 250k is can’t buy a helicopter. What??? They let regular mortal fans on this show!!! Nobody told me about this! Fuckkkk I definitely would have gone. I could have talked an EPIC amount of shit to everyone. Looks like everyone is making out with everyone. I wonder if they still they’re they’re on the bachelor(ette). OMG LINDZI FROM LAST SEASON AND KALON FROM THIS SEASON. HOW. IS NOTHING SACRED, ABC? Looks like Rachel is going to get proposed to? Chris from this season is apparently hooking up with like 3 different girls? I am SO watching this. July 23rd? Christ, my life is turning into a never ending stream of this shit.

Now back to the real show. They introduce all the bros. Kalon gets booed. Sean gets raucous cheers. Wolf is wearing pink pants and a blazer, so fresh.

Chris starts immediately bitching about how he’s young and everyone thinks he’s immature. He’s offended. Nobody takes his side. Now they’re talking shit to Ryan. WTF is going on? This has no structure. It’s “everybody talk shit about everybody. Go.”

Kalon says he’s great friends with Chris and Tony. They don’t really acknowledge. That’s just because they’re both probably filming Bachelor Pad right now. ABC wants me to think Kalon’s only friends are Daddy Warbucks and Scrooge McDuck.

Kalon’s turn in the chair. Roll all of his worst clips and show his face as picture-in-picture.

Ohhhh so apparently when you sign up you don’t know who the bachelorette is, but you find out before the first event. This is kind of unfair, he says he obviously didn’t want a stepchild. Not to defend him, but, you know…that’s kind of a different proposition. He probably didn’t sign up for that.

In a very scripted bit, one of the bros yells “Oh come onnnn!!! This is ridiculous!” and says Kalon wasn’t there for Emily and was only there for the cameras. Well, it fucking worked because he got invited onto another ABC show and you fucking didn’t, bro.

Sean says like 5 words and the crowd goes wild.

Ryan’s next. New haircut for him, almost a Bieber-like transition. Interesting. Chris seems like he really hates Ryan. Hell, he hates everyone. He’s just making faces the whole time while Ryan is talking. Chris is a huge douche. He gets so defensive all the time.

Chris Harrison asks Ryan: “Is there a chance that you might be an arrogant ass?” “No, not a chance.” That’s just what an arrogant ass would say… Harrison says he will speak for ABC here: Ryan isn’t the next bachelor. I’d put actual, physical money on Sean being next.

Chris’ turn in the chair.

The way he got cut is brutal. She says “my other relationships moved faster” to which he says “how could I have moved any faster? I told you I loved you!” He has a great point. He was like the first one to say that. Harrison asks Chris “Are you a person who angers quickly?” Yeah no shit. I’ve been watching so far, thanks Harrison. He gets mad whenever someone says his name. Or anyone else’s name.

Chris says “I am looking forward to falling in love with that right girl” – the crowd applauds. These audience women are dumb.

Sean’s turn in the chair.

Literally every time he says “Sean” the crowd applauds. All these women just want him to take his shirt off. And basically on cue, they show the scene in the park where he takes his shirt off and they do , in fact, applaud.

Lot of nondescript and very serious talk, nothing funny.

Emily’s turn, and holy shit she looks FANTASTIC. She says hey to “all of y’all” and Sean. Chris looks super pissed he didn’t get a shout out.

Kalon apologizes for what he said about Ricki being baggage, Emily says he’s full of shit. Wow! She brings up his Facebook or something! Is that allowed?!? She mentions a picture he posted of a baggage claim, and the tag is  “thought for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here!” Then, after there was a lot of backlash, he said “Sorry I’m not sorry”. Holy shit, she’s bringing up his Twitter. She is a stone cold killer. Good for her. She says she hopes he find something better in life than his Prada shoes and his rental helicopter. HEAR THAT BITCH! RENTAL! She owned him.

She starts talking to Ryan about how he was such a sweet talker and she fell for it. Ryan says, “Believe me, I will be sweet talking my wife every day of my life. Chasin’ her around the kitchen. With a spoon!” I didn’t make that up, I swear.

Now the “MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!”. Evidently that moment was the bloopers.

Harrison asks Emily, so how may of the guys do you think you’ll sleep with? “Hopefully all 25”. Nice. I think we’d get along.

Holy shit, Jef has some new lines. “I want to hold her hand ’til I’m like 110” “We’re going to have a love that makes the storybooks jealous” Holy shit. Holy shit. He is so talented. Holy shit.

Well, that does it for the recap. Emily is hot. Kalon is an asshole. Ryan is dumb. Chris is bitter. Sean is America.

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