Season Finale

Season Finale

So here we are. After like 20 hours of my time down the drain, here we are at what Harrison’s calling the “most anticipated television event of the summer”. Bold, Chris. Bold. I’m going back to the old ways and drinking two bottles of wine while I write this.

Back in Curaçao? Must be some serious ad dollars from the local tourism board.

Oh, she brought Ricki to this one. She’s meeting the guys.

Jef rolls up rocking a white pocket-t and some converses. Don’t know if I would have gone with that for the first parent meeting. Jef bringing flowers, nice. If he’s really good (and I think he is), the flowers are for the mom. Yep, flowers for mom and sister. Jef is good.

Her mom is scary and has a raspy old voice. But she was definitely hot back in the day, though. Looks like she’s had some botox. Her eyebrows are making different expressions.

Jef talks to her mom, and he has just flawless game. He’s my hero. I sort of blacked out.

They have a beautiful spread of food at this Caribbean villa.  Guarantee nobody’s going to eat any of it. Her brother Ernie is eating. He’s obviously a rookie. He also looks REALLY dumb.

Now Jef talks to brother Ernie. He obviously kills it. They bro-hugged. He won.

Now to sit down with his dad. High pressure situation here. Haha her dad is so country. Unsurprisingly, Jef dominates.

Arie’s turn to meet the parents. Fuck him. Team Jef.

HAHAHA YESSS HE’S TANKING. “I heard when it’s overcast is the best time to fish.” You suck, Arie.

Ok he made a pretty good move. Has a box where he kept all the roses. This plays well with mom. One point for you, douchebag.

Brother Ernie sounds SO dumb. “After I met Arie, I’m confused” Yeah I bet you’re confused a lot.

Arie makes a bold, but strong play by asking her father for Emily’s hand in marriage. Though I was really pulling for “Dave” to say “fuck you Arie you are a washed up incycar pussy”, he says yes instead.

Jump cut to them making out and of course Arie’s hands are all over her face. He needs to be handcuffed while he makes out.

A lot of other random stuff has happened, not really worth mentioning.

Jef’s last date. He is going to absolutely crush this. He’s been saving it all up for now.

My goodness, he has absolutely mistake-free game. Not trying to blow it out of the water yet, just taking the base hit. He’s really good. He’s great. If he doesn’t win, he’ll do fine for himself. Arie is a bitch.

Wow. Jef’s going to meet Ricki. She plays it like he’s getting some special privilege by seeing Ricki. Arie will probably get to meet her too, but he’s pumped. Jef’s going to dominate this. Guarantee he’s better with Ricki.

Jef does pretty well. He puts on some pink goggles. Lets Ricki push him in the pool. She seems to have a good time. As much as I thought this was Arie’s to lose, I think Jef is making a serious move. Not going to ballgame it yet, but he’s making a real strong case for himself. He deserves to win. No doubt about it. Arie is a douche. Sorry for the anti-Arie comments, I’m like 1.5 bottles of wine in.

Now for Jef’s night date or whatever. They get them a little villa/apartment thing. Jef is going to crush this. Guaranteed.  Ricki said, “Mommy, can he come back tomorrow?” Tempted to ballgame it now.

There is delicious looking desert on the table. They are obviously not eating it.

He got her a book about curacao, and drew stick figures of them on like all of the pages. That’s pretty solid.

Will call him out on a minor mis-step, though. “I want to hold her hand till I’m like 110”. He already said that. Caught. You lost a few points there, buddy. Sorry, I just hold you to really high standards of spitting game.

So she has this conversation with Harrison, and apparently she’s made up her mind on Jef? I’m pumped. She hasn’t even gone on her date with Arie yet. She’s very sure that it’s Jef. This is awesome. Jef is the best. His game is perfect.  Jef is a fucking champ. He is a winner. Arie is a fucking BITCH. {Editor’s Note: This wine made me get really bitchy, huh?}

Haha Arie meets up with a fucking witchdoctor or something, and this woman is helping him make a love potion. Roommate thinks they’re going to make rufies. Arie thinks he’s going to win. He has no idea.

Oh man. She walks in and she’s just telegraphing this. She’s crying already. THIS IS FUCKING BRUTAL. Oh. My. God. Just kill him now. This is horrible. They sit down. She starts crying. Oh man. This is a brutal convo. Arie is about to cry. Damn. Even throwing Jef’s name around. This is ABSOLUTELY BRUTAL. He tries to walk out. I would do the same thing. He’s actually being very realistic about this. A normal dude would just walk out. Thanks for the memories.

So Arie jumps in the suburban. Now for all the cameras in his face. This is actually very realistic. He’s not talking to the cameras. He’s just shocked. Poor guy. I actually feel bad for him now. Brutal.

HAHAHA They bring Neil Lane for Jef to pick out a ring. Six choices. He will obviously pick the biggest one that’s free. He picks a fucking giant one.

They get dressed for their proposal ceremony. Jef goes for the blue suit, brown shoes and belt, black tie.

“I think God puts the right people in our lives when the timing is just right, and I feel like the timing is just right. I found my everything. if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, you will never feel lonely ever again. What I’m about to ask you, aren’t just empty words…”

AND THERE HE GOES! JEF HOLM TAKES A KNEE!

“Emily, Will you marry me?”

He is my fucking hero. That was so awesome. She says yes, duh.

Not blogging the “after the final rose.” Just don’t care.

THE END. I’M RETIRED.

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