Episode 1 – Sean Lowe

(Sorry, this is a long post because there’s a lot going on. They’ll get shorter)

So I watched the last season (the one with Emily Maynard as the Bachelorette) and here’s what I can say about this guy: He’s real blonde, he has real blue eyes, and he is real jacked. He sells insurance or some shit in Texas, but women don’t really care about that if you have great abs.

As we launch into the intro to the show, we get some great shots of our hero looking thoughtfully out over a lake or a fjord or some shit. Unclear when this occurs in the season, but, as always, looking longingly towards water/beach/mountains/outer space is a frequent theme. Apparently there will be lots of girl drama. Surprise. It even looks like there will be some sort of mountain climbing/hypothermia accident. I’m excited.

So they introduce Sean, our Bachelor. After about 5 seconds, he is shirtless and sweaty, with lots of running shots. Running outside, running on a treadmill, etc.. Now he’s doing some curls. Voiceover about true love and shit while they show him working out. I get it, ABC, he’s in better shape than me. You heard it here first: his pecs will be glistening at all times.

They quickly flashback to last season, and already Sean says “I was the most vulnerable I’ve ever been” Holy shit, I thought they were going to wait. If you don’t remember from previous blog posts (shame on you), the word “vulnerable” is going to be like nails on a chalkboard by the end of this show. And it’s already happening. Gotta love the vernacular.

They show him back in Texas with his family, obviously to promote the notion that he’s a “family man”. His dad asked him “how’s the heart feel?”. Who the fuck are these people? I hope nobody asks me that. That is a cardiologist question. His dad kind of looks like a gay old man.

Now they show him shirtless playing in the sprinkler with these little kids. Now laughing in a hammock. I guarantee all single women over age 25 are having a series of mild heart attacks. This could be you! Honestly, I could be a producer for this show. It’s too easy.

He’s on a beach. He’s staring onto the ocean. Again. In a cruel and symbolic coincidence, there is a couple getting married in the background, and he is looking at his feet thoughtfully. When will that be him!?!

Now he is just climbing on some fucking rock. For no reason. Shirtless. It’s not even a big rock. This is so ridiculous.

In a (mildly) surprising twist, Arie is coming to give him MAKEOUT ADVICE. If you remember from last season, Arie liked to put his hands all up on that poor bitch’s face and roll her head around like a playtoy.  My girlfriend says Arie is “stupid hot”. I’m making her sit on the floor.

The Makeout According to Douchebag Arie: “The most important thing is eye contact. {NO} and you gotta use your hands {WITHIN REASON}. dominant right hand {ONLY IF RIGHT HANDED}, play with the hair {MAYBE}, the other hand is to touch the face {HOW MANY HANDS DO YOU HAVE???}, pull them close {WITH FOURTH HAND}, you’re really kissing with your whole body {PLEASE USE 5TH HAND}. And the tongue, it’s almost like a teaser with the tongue.” {HOW EXHAUSTING}

Sean, smartly, says he doesn’t want to use any of this advice.

So now that the pregame fluff is out of the way, here’s CHRIS HARRISON! I fucking love this guy. He routinely crushes it. And he just got divorced so now he can bang as many of these lucky ladies as he wants. Now let’s look at some of the 25 women who have signed up to become MRS. SEAN LOWE.

Desiree: 26, bridal stylist. She helps women find wedding dresses all day. Yikes. She’s kind of cute, though.

Tierra: 24, Denver. They give her the “surprise reveal” about who her Bachelor is, and when they tell her it’s Sean, she has a legit freakout. She’s real pumped that he’s “family oriented.” Like, too pumped. Holy shit. I’m kind of scared of this bitch.

Robin: Houston, sales and engineering. She says engineers are socially awkward and boring (hey dad!). She puts sticky notes everywhere because she wants to learn Spanish? Because she says it’s the language of love? I don’t know, I gotta say French, probably. Spanish is the language of Chipotle. Mmmm.

Diana: 30, Salt Lake City. Hairdresser. She has 2 kids. This is a no-go. Thanks for playing.

Sarah: 26, Los Angeles, advertising designer. She was born with one arm. Wow. Amputated the bottom half of her arm while in the womb. This is a tough spot to put Sean in, because there’s no realistic way that this will happen. I’m going to resist comment on this, because although I really do think she’s a sweet girl – this is definitely not the right avenue for her to find real love.

Ashley: 28, hairstylist. She apparently has no idea why she’s single, because she’s actively searched for a boyfriend. For now, she’s just chillin’ with her cat. Shout out to all you ladies who are chillin’ with your cat. Apparently, she has a special man in her life, and guess what, his name is Christian Grey. Great. She says that she wants to re-enact some scenes with Sean. This is creepy as fuck. Then she throws out “everything’s bigger in Texas”, “spank me”, and “I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me.”. This bitch is nuts. Watch out for this one, folks.

Leslie: 25, Washington DC, political consulting. I think she’s cute. She seems pretty sharp, maybe too sharp. I like her.

Kristy: a Ford model? Is that what she said? I don’t really know what that means, but she’s pretty hot.

Ashley: a professional organizer? What in God’s name is that? Like, are you OCD for a living? Apparently she was a foster kid, so there’s a lot of baggage here. She’s already crying. I mean, I feel bad and that sucks, but that’s not the kind of thing that’s successful on this show. Maybe Sean will be sympathetic.

Only a little more than half a bottle of wine in. I’m definitely behind the pace. Have I lost my touch? Stepping on the gas.

At this point in the program, these ladies will pile out of their chardonnay-filled limousine and stumble up to Sean and try not to say/do something awkward. Roughly 1/3 will forget to tell him their name. There will also be some real white-trashy spellings (ex. Lindzi). I’m pumped.

First Limo. Who goes first?

AshLee: the organizer. First girl and already, what a HORRIBLE spelling. I mean, if you told me that’s how you spelled your name, I would just refuse to speak to you.

Jackie: 25, a cosmetics consultant: She wants to “put her mark on him.” So she puts on some lipstick. Is she gonna kiss him on his collar? His penis? No, just his cheek. It’s coming off real soon, and that’s a promise. These girls will not allow that to stand.

Selma: Hi. I like you. Selma pulls out a handkerchief from her tits and wipes off the smooch mark. Wow. I like.

Leslie H: A “poker dealer.” Is that code for “prostitute”? Maybe not.

Daniela: She has very serious JBF hair. JBF =  Just Been Fucked. Not kidding, she may have just banged the limo driver in the woods. Her and Sean make a new “secret” handshake. It’s overly long and complicated, but also very elementary and stupid. He forgot it immediately. Along with her name.

Kelly: 28, cruise ship entertainer. Is that code for prostitute? She’s SO ORANGE. You would think if you worked on a cruise ship for a living you would have a little more natural tan. She wrote him a song and sang it to him. Oh my God it’s so horrible. I’m gonna say right now that he has literally zero chance.

Katie: Yoga teacher, CHARLOTTE, NC. I put on for my city so she’s my favorite so far. She’s a yoga instructor, so she’s showing off her vast knowledge by teaching him how to hold his hands together in front of his chest. OK, THIS IS MAJOR CONCERN: SHE WAS BAREFOOT ALL NIGHT! That’s just gross. No longer my favorite. It was a good run, I guess. Hippies are not that cool. But Charlotte is that cool. IDK JK LOLZ!

Ashley: Oh God, here’s the ’50 Shades of Grey’ girl. She pulls out a tie from her tits. He has no fucking idea what’s going on. She definitely wants to get cast on Bachelor Pad after this and then fuck everything that moves. Preferably after tying it up in the Red Room of Pain and putting a ball gag in its mouth.

Taryn: health club director. She’s cute. Some chemistry here. He likes. She forgets to say her name, but I think she’s fine.

Catherine: Seattle. ” you’re such a hunk.” Nothing else interesting.

Robyn: engineer/sticky notes/at-home-yoga. She’s doing backflips? HAHAHA SHE FELL. How embarrassing. She wasn’t even wearing high heels. Did he just see her vagina?

Lacey: grad student, LA. People call her Lace? That’s real slutty. She looks real slutty. Her hair is this awkward and horrible shade of yellow that looks like-I don’t even know what. Peanut gallery says it looks like butter on movie theater popcorn, but on the side of the popcorn with too much butter. Yeah, I can see that.

Paige: Jumbotron operator. She was on bachelor pad as the “fan” representative. She is gonna be cut SO fast. She’s kind of cute, though. She was definitely way more pale before. Maybe she sat too close to that orange cruise ship girl in the limo.

Tierra: from Denver. She’s crazy. “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger. It’s open, and I want you to complete it.” It’s a tattoo, and it’s SO funny. He says wait right here. Sean runs over to his bro Harrison and says he wants to “bend the rules”. “She made a big impression on me, I’d like to give her a rose right now”. This means he really wants to fuck her RIGHT NOW. She is about to fucking go ballistic and start having convulsions. Really? That fucking finger-tat got her a rose? These bitches are about to HATE her. Yep, she walks in and ALL of these bitches are freaking out. She is definitely screwed for the ENTIRE season. She might get smothered tonight and not see tomorrow. She’s gonna get real drunk to celebrate. Just like me.

One bottle down. Picked up the pace. Leggoooooo.

Amanda: “Fit model.” I want that job. She’s cute. I like her.

Keriann: her hair looks crappy. She says she drove 2775 miles just to be here! Girl you obviously could have flown. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the show, but The Bachelor has helicopters and private jets all over the world. Like, an endless fleet of them.

Desiree: I think she’s cute. People call her Dez. She brought some pennies to make wishes in the fountain. Better than pulling a tie out of your tits and saying you want to tie the poor guy up and abuse him. Calling final four right now.

Sarah: She’s the girl with one arm. It’s hard, kind of awkward. She seems sweet, though.

Brooke: Haha, she is a black temptress. She’s rocking this bright red hair, working it real hard. She might be hypnotizing him right now. I’m very impressed.

Diana: Girl with 2 kids that I don’t like. Nothing interesting.

Lesley M: She brought a football, and he’s making him bend over and snap it to her. It’s a long count. Just admiring the view.

Kristy: the Ford model? She’s very orange and her teeth are very white.

Ashley: Black girl, just killing it in this prom dress. The Bachelor color barrier has yet to be broken, but always worth a try. So many Ashleys.

Lauren: Journalist, 27. Owns an Italian restaurant. “I would love to take you home, feed you, meet my family.” Hopefully in that order. “Dad says if you break my heart, he’ll break your legs.” Great. Way to go. “Just kidding!” Right. What a horrible lapse in judgment. Hope you thought that joke was funny, because it just got you cut. Legs are important.

Lindsay: Substitute teacher. Oh God, she’s in a wedding dress. So awkward that she has to wear that for the rest of the night. Wow, sneaks a kiss on the lips. She’s legit crazy. I would tell her to get back in that fucking limousine.

OH SHIT HERE’S THE LAST SECRET PERSON WHO WANTED TO MEET HIM!!!

It’s: KACIE B! Hayyy is she a contestant? She looks good! How do they know each other? “I know I don’t deserve a second chance, and I want to see if there’s a possibility?” How the fuck? How do they know each other? Second chance? They must have gotten drunk and banged it out at one of these Bachelor alumni weekends in Tijuana.

These bitches are less than thrilled that Kacie shows up. I really like her, though. Always did.

“So, like, you’re here for Sean???” Obviously, you sluts. I wonder if the producers just pick someone who’s had some minor success on this show and throw her back on TV again. Just to stir shit up.

Sean and Kacie go sit and chat. Yeah, she definitely was smart to come. “It wasn’t long ago that we hung out” Ok yeah, they’ve definitely banged before. There are no rules on this show. I would protest this if I was a girl.

Wow, Desiree gets a rose! Already? I like her. Kacie B is pissed. Kacie says “something’s different tonight…” Yeah, you’re on TV and there’s roses and limos and Chris Harrison and way more Chardonnay.

Everybody hates Desiree now. They ask about the rules (see!) because apparently Sean is just doing whatever the fuck he wants, and these bitches are pissed about it. Wow, he gave one to the organizer! AshLee. Sean is really fucking shit up. He don’t give a shit about no rules. Tierra still thinks she’s cooler than them because she only had to say one sentence to get a rose. Chill out bitch.

Selma gets a rose. I liked her, but she doesn’t look as good from the front angle. Although her tits do look fantastic. Smart for her to show off the girls tonight.

Linday, girl in the wedding dress, is suddenly feeling insecure because–she wore a wedding dress. Yeah, sweetheart, that’s pretty awkward. Did you run that plan by anybody before you did it? Who sold that to you? They should make you prove you’re getting married before you’re allowed to buy a wedding dress. Yyou ladies gotta look out for each other, now. She says in an aside: “honestly, I wish I was more sober right now.” Haha she’s so hammered. Trying to drunkenly slow dance with him. “Are you gonna sing to me?” “Gimme a kiss.” This is such an unmitigated disaster. He says “I have a few more girls to talk to” which means you DO NOT get a rose. Damn. That chardonnay will get ya! I’m honestly surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

50 shades girl – Ashley.  “Do we need me to start dancing?” Yeah, she’s shitfaced too. Apparently she thinks this is a great time to show off her stripper moves. Here on national television. I think she really just wants to fuck something, and her cat at home is not satisfying her. Sean is talking with Paige on the interview couch, and this girl is just shaking her ass trying to get him to look at her. These producers are smart. He calls a timeout with Paige. Ashley saunters over and pulls the tie out of her tits again. Why does she think this will be successful? Ha, she is so done. Sean calls her “50 shades of drunk” and then she falls on the floor.

Gives a rose to Robyn, the engineer who fell (TEWF). Also gives a rose to Sarah, the girl with one arm. One fucking million points in my book. First class. Really happy about that.

Now for the actual rose ceremony. What are there, like 3 roses left? This is such a mess.

Amanda, Lesley M, Kacie, Kristy, Daniela, Taryn, and last but not least, the shitfaced wedding dress girl, Lindsay.

Pretty solid first episode. Always an interesting dynamic. Also, I finished my two bottles of wine. Looks like this season will be fun.

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