Episode 2

Don’t really remember anything happened last time (on account of the wine). So, we’re just going to hope that I remember something eventually.

Intro. Sean already working out with no shirt on . Think he’s wearing the same shorts as last time. Is he really going to be chillin’ on this Bowflex thing before every episode? Now he’s in a shower. Soaping his nipples and shit. This is stupid.

Chris Harrison’s calling Sean the “most sincere bachelor that we’ve ever had on the show.” 

Dude. 

“I see this working for him.” 

Dude.  

“I think he’ll get down on one knee and propose marriage to one of you.” 

DUDE.

First date card: Sarah, the girl with one arm. And here comes the helicopter. I mean, I could write this show in a drunken stupor. It’s real easy. Helicopter + girl + boy + chardonnay + sofa + rose + hot tub = Magic. These bitches are pretty surprised and excited by the helicopter, though. Get used to it, girls, this is all you have to look forward to for the next few weeks. 

So Sean meets Sarah takes her into the helicopter so they can fly away to their exotic love-date or whatever. Can you just land a helicopter wherever you want in LA? And like, take off and shit? Are there helicopter rules in LA? NOT IF TRUE LOVE IS AT STAKE.

They fly to the top of some tall building in downtown LA, and on the way he says how much he appreciates how Sarah was open about her arm and she explained her situation. Then he says “I didn’t need an explanation” It might make me a bad person, but I would probably want an explanation. I would at least be curious.

He brings her to the edge of this building, where he informs her that they are going to free fall 300 feet. I’m not really sure what he means by this. Like, base jump? With parachutes? Dude, homegirl has one arm. This is extremely unsafe and I just cannot give you my blessing on this one. This could be prohibitively difficult for her. Like, I’m sure she has trouble tying her shoes – base jumping is a far more complicated endeavor.

There are about to be mad clichés up in this bitch. Like, “taking the plunge together” etc. I can’t really think of any more because I don’t speak cliché as well as the poetic assholes on this show; I just know they’re coming.

“As long as he’s holding me and we take this plunge together, let’s do it!” That was a pretty good one. But it’s really early to already have to hear this crap. You got to chill with this shit, girl, it’s a long season.

So they just jumped off a building. Again, is this something you can just do in LA? Like, tie yourself to the top of a building with a rope and then just jump the fuck off? Where are the police? Or the Army? Or Batman or whatever?

What actually happens is not even close to “free fall.” ABC just lowered them to the ground really fast. With a decelerator something. Not that cool. In fact, I tried to figure out what the fuck they just used to do this, and it’s basically a Batman device. Just google “decelerator climbing line”. You’ll see. 

Now that we’ve had a lovely day lowering ourselves off of tall buildings, I wonder what we have planned for the night after. They don’t show anything happening in between day and night, so I’m just going to assume they had lots of weird sex.

So we cut to the little wine/couch/blanket session that the contestants always have, and she tells a story about this time she was in Las Vegas with her dad, and basically wanted to go zip lining but they told her it was against the law to allow disabled people to participate, and she started to cry. Luckily for us, ABC takes a far more liberal attitude towards “the law” than the city of Las Vegas, Nevada. Think about that. You can do pretty much anything in Las Vegas. Didn’t you guys see that movie where those guys rufied each other?

At this point in the night I had to take a timeout to do some real work for my real job.  I drank more wine. A lot more. And I took my shirt off. I don’t know.

Sarah got the rose. 

So here’s the group date for this episode: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley M., Danielle, Catherine, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie, and Tierra.

The ladies pile into the limo. There are mimosas. Tierra (that girl with that stupid finger-tattoo) is real bitchy to everyone. Katie the yoga instructor has some sort of wild animal nesting on her head.

They roll up to this big-ass house-castle thing. Sean strolls out to the balcony, and does his best modeling face. Selma says “It’s like Prince charming standing there, waiting to save me….he’s so dreamy…looks so handsome…” I mean come on. It’s so clear that you are too desperate for this show. I will congratulate you on your fantastic breasts, but as soon as Sean gets over them, he’s putting you in a limousine/helicopter/jetpack home.

It’s a photo shoot, and apparently they are posing for covers for “Harlequin novels.” I had to rely on my computer’s spell-check to get that right. Aren’t those the mommy-porn ones? The winner gets to appear on 3 real book covers. The girls are excited. I would be mortified. I thought those were the books that were embarrassing to be seen reading? Especially to be FEATURED ON THE FRONT COVER. They excited, though, and also seem to know what Harlequin means. I can’t get over how much that crazy ’50 Shades of Grey’ girl would have LOVED to be here and be on the front of a mommy-porn novel.

Tierra and her finger-tat are already talking shit. Tierra says no to hair extensions because she is “au naturale.”Nice French, babe, I knew you were a classy bitch. Yep, everyone hates her. But to be fair, my roommates are basically screaming about how great her boobs look right now.

Lesley’s photo shoot. Sean likes Lesley. I do too. She’s cool. And attractive. And the photog makes them kiss on the lips. WOW, EVERY OTHER GIRL IS SO FUCKING PISSED. Tierra looks like she is about to curb stomp them all. All these bitches hate each other already. Tierra hates everyone, and America hates Tierra.

Now Kristy’s turn, who is an actual model. She’s obviously going to win the MODELING CHALLENGE.

Yeah, she’s working it. Wow. Like really, WOW. My world is changed. He is SO into it. I’m so into it. My roommates are so into it.

Tierra is most definitely not into it. I will say, though, that this really isn’t fair. This is what Kristy does this for a living. I think the next challenge should be a personal organizing contest, or a graphic design contest, or maybe even an “aspiring actress” contest so that everyone else can use their professional skills too.

Kristy wins the book covers. Obviously. She’s pumped about it. I don’t know why, because there’s no way that will be good for her career.

Tierra: “I don’t wanna play dress-up. I’m here for Sean.” Bitch, you have GOT to chill. Just calm down play dress-up for a little bit, my goodness.

Sean suggests that after all this excitement, they go back to the bachelor headquarters for a pool party. They go back and then clearly forget to have a pool party.

Sean takes some alone time with Lesley, who is definitely my favorite at this point.  She’s attractive, she’s blonde and she’s cool. Am I falling for her? GET AWAY FROM HER SEAN!!!

SEAN’S TRYING TO GO FOR THE KISS. HE SAYS SHE’S TOO NERVOUS. No kiss. She’s frustrated. He’s frustrated too. He wanted to kiss her. I want to kiss her. “I’m a traditional, southern girl.”. Oh. My. God.

At the last minute, Lesley plants a kiss on him and says “I wanted to leave you with that…” Strong. I like her. A lot.

Now it’s Kacie’s turn for a date. She looks WAY skinnier than she used to. All that fame must have gotten to her. Fame = cocaine + Hydroxycut.

Sean tells her: “I had a great time with you when we were in New York.” I actually think I remember this. Some Bachelor(ette) cast members were here for some stupid thing, and some of my friends told me to go try and stalk them out. This, of course, is ridiculous and I didn’t do it. But clearly Sean and Kacie had very good sex for at least 20 minutes.

One bottle of wine down! I’m on a pretty good pace tonight!

Catherine says “I’m vegan but I love the beef!” I assume that means penis. “I want you to know I don’t consume animal products, but I’ll make an exception for your penis.” Ok, noted.

They now cut away to Katie the yoga instructor. She is chillin’ with Kacie B by the snack table. Looks like some fruit, veggies, cheese, etc. LOTS of champagne flutes ready to be used. Katie is absolute CRUSHING some snacks. Good for you, take advantage while you’re still here. Maybe store some leftovers in your hair-nest.

Katie goes to talk to Sean, and she confesses how this whole ordeal is making her so uncomfortable, and it’s “not the right setting for her.” “Honestly, I think I just need to go home.” This is the boldest of strategies-trying to make him convince you to stay. HAHAHAHAHA. Sean is just like: OK WELL LET ME WALK YOU OUT THEN. Wow. He didn’t even TRY. The hair was definitely too much.

Kacie gets the rose for no reason. Kacie gives some bullshit toast about nothing and nobody is amused. Tierra says “I wanted to punch her”. That’s that hate.

The other one-on-one date goes to: Desiree. I like her too.

They’re going to an art gallery, where Sean is going to prank her. I’m actually really pumped for this. I would totally do this if I was The Bachelor. She really has no idea what’s about to happen. “I could be in a jet, I could be in a helicopter again, whatever it is, I’m just happy to be with Sean”. Poor girl clearly thinks she’s flying private to somewhere exotic for free. Oh, buddy.

They walk in to an art exhibit, where they see a $1.5mm piece of art called the “poulet en petit” or something. Google translate tells me this means either “hen” or “soup meat”. So bohemian. I don’t really know what bohemian means. Desiree eventually gets left alone with the art, and someone informs her that “it’s the artist’s response to the Chernobyl disaster. Each glass piece form a church in Chernobyl” Haha, nice. So elitist. Way to sell it.

So they prank her, and it’s was pretty funny, but not that funny. She takes it pretty well. Again, I like her.

Sean says: “Since she took it so well, I’m going to take her back to my place”. Wasn’t aware that was an option. I thought you had to wait until the fantasy suite to bang it out?

I had a whole lot of notes on this date, but not a single one was funny or interesting. She just killed it. She was flawless. He loved it, she loved it, there was a hot tub, and wine/champagne. You get the idea.

Wine update. I’ve fallen behind the pace now. I blame the awkward commercial time allotment. 

Afterwards, Sean comes back to the brothel. Lindsay, the girl who was wearing the wedding dress, is worried because she hasn’t gotten any attention. Yeah, well, the last time you were on national TV, you wore a wedding dress and you were completely shitfaced. You got enough attention to last a lifetime. She seems way less interesting now, though. She should get drunk again and go grab the wedding dress she’s hiding below her bunk.

They all say “I’m here for Sean, I’m not here to make friends.” I’ve decided that if this was me, I would mostly be there to make friends. I would definitely turn down the 1-on-1 for the group date so I could chill with my new bros. I would much rather chill in the pool with my floaties, noodles, and bros. They give you all the alcohol you want. It would be a blast.

Wine update: I’m real drunk. This is so hard.

So here we are at the rose ceremony.

AshLee (organizer), Lindsay (wedding dress), Robyn (hates Tierra), Jackie (???), Lesley M (YES), Selma (boobs), Catherine (Vegan), Kristy (model), Leslie H (???), Tierra (the villain), Taryn (boring), Daniela (roommates favorite), and Amanda (FUCK). 

So only 2 people got eliminated? 10 people got eliminated last episode. This is going to be a loooooong season, folks. Donations to the wine fund are greatly appreciated.

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