Episode 3 – New Wine Strategy?

So a slight change in strategy for us here at TBFM this evening. Given the inauguration holiday (or MLK too I guess), I’ve taken advantage of the extra time by drinking a bottle of wine head of time. Pros: I will have a much easier time putting down the two-bottle-per-episode requirement. The cons: I won’t be over-serving myself at quite as violent of a pace as I have been. We’ll see how it turns out.

The preview is amazing. Theme park. Huge stuffed animal. On-screen kiss record? Bikini game. Crying. Kacie skanking around. Tierra scheming. She faints or something. This will be great.

So we kick off episode 3 like we do every week. He’s working out in the home gym. As usual, he is wearing no shirt and blue shorts. Seriously, is this shit going to happen every episode? Can we at least get him a clean pair of shorts? 

First date card: LESLEY M! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOO! I LOVE HER. NO APOLOGIES TO MY GIRLFRIEND (except she is watching with me this time so I just apologized to her in person), BUT ON THE BLOG I AM FREE! I LOVE LESLEY!

Apparently she Lesley was a Chi O at Georgia. I really am in love with her.

They go to Hollywood to the Guinness world records temple or museum or whatever. She thought she was going to fly private to Fiji or something. Instead she gets to see the world’s smallest woman. Awesome. 

So the premise here is for them to set a world record. Chris Harrison is already here. Because Harrison is always willing to wing for his bro-bro Sean, the “record” they’re going to set is “Longest On-Screen Kiss”. Too bad it couldn’t have been “Longest Off-Screen Sex-romp.” I think Sean would have appreciated that a little more. It’s ok, Fantasy Suites are coming…

3 minutes and 15 seconds? I could do that. I bet I could do at least 4 minutes.

They bring out the Guinness guy. Is he just always holding a Guinness book of world records? You know the kind–they look like a high school yearbook and they have this really shiny cover. Poor guy, he is like a pledge getting hazed and he always has to have his Guinness book with him.

Lesley looks hot. My girlfriend is here and she’s real mad at me. 

Oh wow, so they start kissing. It’s not very exciting. She’s very handsy, just like Arie. How do you breathe while you do this? Through your nose? Hold your breath? Grab that ass, Sean! Take his shirt off, Lesley! I want this to get weird.

Now, in an aside, Sean’s talking about how their bodies are trembling, and it’s so difficult, and his life is so hard and shit. Chill out, dude. There are child soldiers in Africa, did you know that? All you have to do is make out with this pretty blonde girl in Hollywood for a little while. With the awkward Guinness guy watching you very, very closely.

Guinness bro is taking this very seriously. He actually has a stopwatch. No jokes here. He will not sully the good name of Guinness for some stupid gimmick on The Bachelor on ABC.

My girlfriend is complaining that her ass is about to fall out of her dress. I’m not.

So for the evening portion, they go to the top of some hotel, sit on a little couch, and drink some champagne. There are candles. FUCKING KISS GODDAMNIT. JUST FUCKING DO IT. I LOVE HER. YEAAA THEY FUCKING DID IT!!! THIS IS MAGICAL. SHE GETS A ROSE.

(Editor’s note: Usually I don’t start screaming in all caps until at least the group date. I guess I’m sort of drunk already?)

Group Date

Selma, Sarah, AshLee are the ones not invited. Sarah is the girl with one arm, so it’s probably for the best that she not come to the volleyball group event 😦

Tierra already boozing in the limo on the way to the beach. When they get there, Sean takes off his shirt. He does pushups. He frolicks in the water. Harrison shows up, and his shirt is noticeably “still on”. He makes a little speech to introduce the volleyball contest by saying “playing volleyball on a beach in California, that’s something special”. I don’t really think that’s very special at all.

6-on-6 volleyball, winners get to have group sex with hang out with Sean, losers go home. 

There’s a red and a blue team, but I do not care in the slightest who is on which team. The skill level here is severely lacking. Sean says “these girls are giving it their all, but this game is not exactly pretty.” One girl just tried to fucking kick it. I mean, come on.

One girl says “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life”. Wow.

Blue team wins, and they pop some champagne to celebrate their athleticism. Haha, Kristy is crying. Like, literally crying. That she lost this volleyball game. My roommate is horrified. “I played terrible and let everyone down” Haha, this is so stupid. They get back in the van and Leslie H cries too. Seriously people, worse things have happened in life.

They get home and Leslie H continues crying, and she takes off her sweatband to wipe her tears. Might as well use it for something, I guess, because you CLEARLY WEREN’T SWEATING ENOUGH TO GET THAT POINT AND WIN SEAN’S HEART!!!

Wedding dress girl sits down with Sean and says: “I’m so amazed by you. You’re everything that I’m looking for. You’re perfect on paper, and I feel chemistry. I want you to totally know what I’m thinking, and to be my best friend. When I fall in love, I fall head over heels and I give everything to that person. The kiss was amazing and it was meaningful.” She said that. All of that stuff. Like, an actual person said that to another person on television, after meeting him for the first time while wearing a wedding dress, and having spent a total of about 3 hours with him. Just so we’re clear. She should be in jail.

At the “cocktail party”, people are also starting to dislike Amanda. Desiree says: “I think Amanda is really questionable…” Bitches be scheming ALREADY.

Kacie B is about to bring it up to Sean. I can’t stress enough how poor of a strategic choice this is. Wow, Kacie even takes it a step further. She is killing 2 birds with one stone. “Desiree says Amanda is a bitch, etc.” and “I’m not a drama person…” YOU ARE THAT DRAMA KACIE. Sean is like, don’t care. This went so poorly for her haha.

Here comes the rose: Oh man, he gives it to the wedding dress girl. Kacie is confused. Kacie about to start crying. “I’m not supposed to cry this early”. Hey, at least you didn’t cry after volleyball.

Also, I just decided that I want to be Chris Harrison when I grow up. 

Last date: Ashley and Selma. Wait, no, it’s just Ashlee. Tierra was just being a bitch to a girl with one arm, that’s all. Nice, Tierra. I feel the hate. 

HAHAHA OMG TIERRA JUST FELL DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!!! Oh. My God. Hahahaha what a fucking mess. She had way too much chardonnay. All these girls pretending that they are concerned. Sarah hopes she is dead. Sean rolls in with his producer. Ha, he’s just like, shake it off, bro. He think she might have a concussion.  They put her in an embarrassing neck brace. She’s like “I don’t wanna do this!” This is so stupid. “I just wanna be left alone!” This is so funny. “This is not necessary, let me out of here!” Great. Sort of disappointed that it wasn’t a mountain climbing accident like I thought. 

Honestly, it’s ridiculous that the ambulance even came.

AshLee thinks she just did it for attention, and “I’m a smart woman and can see through it. She will go as far as she can, minus the hospital, because as soon as she gets there, there’s nothing wrong with you.” To clarify, AshLee thinks that Tierra purposefully took a swan dive down the stairs so that Sean would talk to her and not AshLee. The hate is real. 

AshLee eventually does get to go on her 1-on-1 date. And OMG THEY HAVE AN AMUSEMENT PARK TO THEMSELVES!!! SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN HOLY SHIT. SO FUCKING AWESOME OH MY GOD I CAN’T BREATHE.

Sean is bringing two girls along, who both suffer from chronic illness. They have become friends online over the past year and a half, but have never met in person. One is from Las Vegas, one is from North Carolina. This sounds really awesome. I love this.

He wins the ring-bottle game, but they don’t show it on camera. Because it’s not actually possible. It really can’t be done. He wins a huge stuffed animal. At night they are getting a private concert from his favorite band. OMG HIS FAVORITE BAND IS ELI YOUNG BAND THAT’S MY FAVORITE BAND!!! THEY PLAY EVEN IF IT BREAKS YOUR HEART!!! OMG I’M DEAD. MORE ELI YOUNG BAND! THEY PLAYED SAY GOODNIGHT. THERE IS DANCING. Can’t breathe. Where’s my wine?

Back at the house before the rose ceremony. Apparently this is called the “cocktail party”. Cock and tail. Ha.

Sarah, the girl with one arm, gets a surprise. A limo pulls up. Her dog is inside. His name is Leo. He’s a boss. She loves it. SO strong from Sean.

Now Tierra’s turn to talk to Sean. Does she have a dent in her forehead? Girlfriend says it’s a scar. I think it’s a dent. I don’t remember it from before.

Wow, Desiree interrupts and steals Sean. Tierra is real pissed. Wow, Desiree just going for the kiss immediately. Wow, Tierra cutting BACK in and taking him BACK. Wow, this is really bad form. 

(Editor’s note: Lot’s of wow’s tonight, huh?)

Other girls hate her. “She gets to talk to him twice?” YEAHHH LESLEY ABOUT TO GO DO SOME JUSTICE AND FUCK SOME SHIT UP!!! THAT’S MY GIRL! I LOVE YOU!!!

Meanwhile, on the love couch, Desiree is alone and confused. 

Kacie interrupts now. Her dress is vacuum-sealed to her body. Not complaining, but just seems like something I’m not used to, and I live in New York City…

UH OHHH, CHRIS HARRISON IN THE HOUSE CLINKING HIS GLASS WITH A FUCKING SPOON. THAT MEANS GAME OVER BITCHES.

(Editor’s note: Haha, wow.)

Whatever. Here’s the rose ceremony. 

Wow. “Before I do this, Kacie can I talk to you???” Wow. 

Kacie got friend-zoned. “I have way too much respect for you to make you stand through another rose ceremony if we’re just better off as friends.” A private dismissal. Get in the limo, I’ll keep the rose. Thanks for the sex.

The winners:

Tierra. Leslie H. Catherine. Daniela. Robyn. Selma. Sarah (FUCK YEA!). Jackie (WHO?). Amanda. Desiree.

Kristy the model is gone. And Taryn too. That should be a lesson to all you girls reading (and I know there’s A LOT of you). It’s not about being a model – it’s about being a model and also being able to win a beach volleyball game.

Until next week, friends.

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