Episode 4 – J. Tree, Roller Derby, Neal Lane

Editor’s note: For whatever reason, this post had a lot of profanity, so if you’re not into that, go read another blog. Also, would like to note that last week someone googled “Why does Tierra have a dent in her forehead?” and would up here, so that’s awesome.

Ok kids. I got off of work a little bit late tonight, so I’m scrambling to get this wine drank. The result: I just drank the first bottle of wine in 20 minutes, and I feel significantly drunk already. Let’s see what’s in store for this week…

Rock climbing, a black girl using “chocolate” innuendo, roller derby, Tierra wearing booty shorts, Tierra crying, Tierra’s inability to handle the fakeness, Tierra not handling being “tortured” like this. Omg this is perfect.

Now this is the part of the show where we see Sean work out on his bowflex in his little blue shorts. Wait, no. This time Sean is in his little boxer briefs, in his bathroom, getting dressed. Haha this is so stupid. He’s like, always naked. Next time they’re just going to show him with a little leaf over his balls like a statue.

Selma gets the first 1-on-1. She’s starts her 15 minutes of ABC fame with “I want to take it to the next level, and then the next level, and then babies!”. So for those playing along at home, there are exactly 2 levels before babies. I learn something new every day.

Sean takes Selma into a limo. The tagline is “Let’s turn up the heat” so she’s thinking hot yoga. She just said she weighs 110 pounds. I have never been so sure of anything in my life than I am sure that she does not weigh 110 pounds. I really have no idea how much she weighs, but there is literally no way that a woman would tell her actual weight on the premier television program of our generation.

They get on a red carpet into a private jet. It’s about damn time, bro. You got to use that promotional power and get on some fucking jets.

She thinks they’re going somewhere glamorous. Her sitting position on this plane is outrageous. He is sitting in his seat minding his own business. Her ass is in her own seat, but just about every other part of her is somehow all up in his personal space. Her face is no more than 3 inches from his penis.

She will not stop babbling about this fucking plane ride. About how she’s a princess and she’s being treated right and he’s such a dream man and shit. You aren’t even there yet, honey, the plane ride isn’t the date.

They get there, they are in the middle of nowhere in the desert. “I’m in the desert, and I’m so disappointed”. I mean, what were you expecting? Switzerland already? At least you got the plane ride.

They’re at Joshua Tree. Sean wants to do something outdoorsy, and Selma is wearing sunglasses with lenses the size of tennis balls. “I feel puffy, so this should be interesting” Has she ever been outside before? She wants to go back to the bachelor mansion immediately.

Sean wants a better view, “like, from the top of that rock?” (points to big rock). She asks “are we taking a helicopter?” You guys probably think that’s dumb, but I mean, it’s a very fair question. More often than not on this show, if they are moving to from one place to another, they take a helicopter.

So they climb up this rock, and I’m actually pretty impressed. She goes up first so he (we) can look at her ass. They make it to the top, the sun is setting. Oh no. Here come the metaphors. WOW NO METAPHORS. PEOPLE THIS IS A FIRST! This is a seriously big deal to me. My life is pitiful.

Hmm, so they do the night date, and it’s at this little trailer park thing. I don’t’ get it, and neither does she, but whatever. They still sit on a couch, put on the blanket, and start drinking.

Wow, she was born in Bagdad and was a born Muslim. In an aside, she says “My mom would have a heart attack if I kissed someone on national television”. Going to pause here. That’s fine I guess, and I get that you come from a conservative home, but you are on the wrong television show. You will be expected to kiss on camera. You will later be expected to “forego your individual bedroom” and spend the night together in a fantasy sex chalet in Switzerland or some shit. You will be pressured into aggressive hot-tubbing. You have GOT to get with the program, Selma. You better believe Tierra has been trying to bang this dude since she got there, so you need to turn up the slutty.

Back to Sean. He says: “I’d like to kiss you” That’s an awkward line. She says: “I can’t kiss you” Also an awkward line. So they don’t kiss, and instead, he just rubs her head and shit. 

The rest of their date is just so stupid. Blankets and cuddling and fire. And some acoustic guitar music. Show me this fucking roller derby, please. 

Lindsay, Robin, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah (yikes), and Tierra are on the group date to the roller derby. These bitches jump in the limousine and start drinking mimosas. Tagline is something like “roll with the punches.” One girl thinks the date will be getting in a giant hamster ball and rolling down a hill. Can’t make this shit up, guys.

When they get to the roller derby, they are confused. Honestly I’m pretty confused too. I don’t know the rules of this game. Are there rules? Ooooh, luckily the resident derby queens will teach us the “ins and outs” of the game. Good. Just what I wanted.

Here’s what roller derby is, via Wikipedia:

 

“Roller derby is a contact sport played by two teams of five members roller skating in the same direction around a track. Game play consists of a series of short matchups (“jams”) in which both teams designate a scoring player (the “jammer”) who scores points by lapping members of the opposing team. The teams attempt to assist their own jammer whilst hindering the opposing jammer—in effect, playing both offense and defense simultaneously.”

 

Tierra thinks she’s about to kick some ass. She says “I have aggression I’ve been building up–living in the house.” Yeah, well, there are like 8 other girls here that are going to try fucking kill you as soon as possible.

Haha they are so bad at this. They can’t even stand up on the skates. Omg so sad for Sarah. I really might cry. Omg the wine. Omg omg omgomg she’s crying omg. I’m not. I’m not. Omg. 

Amanda falls on her chin. Sarah goes “OH FUCK!” Amanda grabs her chin. Sarah says “she just fell so hard on her chin.” Sean saunters over there and says “where does it hurt???”. Probably her chin, broski.

On-site medic says her jaw could be broken. It’s hard out there, folks. This is reality. Life’s hard on The Bachelor. But I’m going to be honest. These bitches really struggle with even very elementary and simple tasks. First, Tierra gets dominated by a set of goddamn stairs. Next, homegirl gets fucked up by some roller-skates. Yet somehow no accidents with the rock climbing or building-free-falling. They need adult supervision at all times.

Ok, he just called off the whole fucking thing and they just have a “roller skating disco party” and nothing fucking happens. The girls think Sean was so sweet to call it off. Unbelievable. The previews showed them tackling each other and shit. I’m pissed.

Now for a cocktail party in a remote location. Tierra is about to freak the fuck out. I’m lovin’ it.  Amanda comes back and says “I love the sympathy card. I play dirty. I will milk the heck out of this”. Strong. Haha I kind of like her. At least she has some sort of understanding about how to win. 

Back to the group date. Tierra is wearing booty shorts to the cocktail party. She says “I’m ‘bout to walk out of here” and “I can’t do this at all, I don’t’ trust anybody here” Then she asks a producer to leave the show. She asks “Where is Sean?” I don’t know Tierra, let’s go find him! OH WAIT HE’S BUSY MAKING OUT WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

“I love Sean, he’s a great guy but why should I be tortured every day and be so uneasy?” Idk, because you volunteered for it? “I am breaking down inside, I can’t be tortured like this” Meanwhile, Sean is about to go hot-tubbing with another girl.

She squats down in the shadows or a hallway or something and ambushes him. She is crying. “I just can’t do it”. Look, sweetheart, Kacie B tried this too. It doesn’t work. Crying to him about how being on the show is sooooo hard doesn’t work. You have to fucking chill. This is why women don’t understand men. We don’t fucking care. Yeah, life’s hard, tough shit. You don’t get special treatment. You are on a television game show with plenty of other VERY attractive and desirable women who have NO issues with this.

Sean diffuses the bomb pretty well. And by diffuses, I mean he just looks at her while not speaking, and then she feels better because he’s so hot. 

OMG HE JUST TOOK A FUCKING ROSE TO HER. EVERYONE IS PISSED. WOW. WOW. ALL THESE BITCHES ARE FURIOUS. WOW. ALLLL MOTHERFUCKING CAPTS I’M DRUNK!!!

One-on-one date: Leslie H. The Leslie that’s not my Lesley. She gets these diamond earrings. But where is the Neal Lane plug? There is no plug. I’m stumped. 

She seems nerdy. I don’t like her. He is wearing a vest. I do not support. I’m curious where these diamond earrings came from. He’s taking her shopping on Rodeo Drive. Wow. This is really reason enough for most women to want to come on this show-just for the shopping. I wonder if she gets to keep anything. She is excited. He is clueless. They just show her trying on a bunch of dresses. I don’t think any of them look good. Whatever. Now they get shoes? A purse? Idk. I’m confused. They awkwardly dance in the store? This is weird. I think she’s going to get cut. He has one more thing to “complete” the look.

OH SHIT THEY GOING TO THE NEAL LANE STORE. I FUCKING KNEW IT. HERE COME THE DIAMONDS. I FUCKING KNEW THAT’S WHERE THE DIAMONDS WHERE FROM. HERE COMES NEAL LANE’S MASTERPIECE. Wow, it’s a real big thing with a LOT of diamonds. Majestic music playing in the background. He just said $120,000. Wooooo. 

They go eat somewhere fancy. Guarantee they waste all of their delicious-looking food. I really don’t like her. I don’t know. She just seems like a flop. She is real awkward. There are serious questions going on like “What lessons you will pass on to your kids?” I have no fucking idea. My dad didn’t teach me much. My jump shot is broke. My fastball barely touched 80. I hope my son nevers know the pain I knew. 

“I’m just not feeling the romantic connection” I knew it. I fucking called this shit. “I wanted the romantic connection to click, and it just didn’t happen”. Wow, this is brutal. She is so sad. Holy shit this is awkward. Omg he has to take the Neal Lane necklace off and give it back to Neal. I definitely called. it. Am I getting too good at this? I need a new hobby that is more respected by society. 

Back at the cocktail party, Robyn, the lone remaining black girl, lays down a SICK pick up line. About chocolate. Do you want a taste of chocolate? Which chocolate do you want to taste? Strong. Do they make vanilla candies? I am a vanilla L

Tierra is just bitchin’ ’round. Carrying her new rose everywhere. WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE TO ROBYN??? THIS IS BULLSHIT. I DON’T WANT THIS. RESOLVING PROBLEMS? COME ONNN PRODUCERS THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! Ugh.

HERE COMES CHRIS HARRISON WITH THAT MOTHER FUCKING SPOOOOOOOON!!!! It’s nut-cutting time you skanks. Someone ‘bout to get cut. Only one, though. I think. I sayyyyyy, Sarah? 

Catherine. Desiree. Lindsay. Lesley (YESSSS MOTHERFUCKERRRR). Robyn. AshLee. Sarah (I was wrong, now changing to Daniela). Jackie. DANIELA. Wow, he sent Amanda home. After he busted her chin and felt like she was doing so well. Peace out Amanda, nobody really liked you. Enjoy being a fit model.

This season is shitty. Look, ABC. I need to be a producer. I can do this in my sleep. Read the blog, I predict everything before it happens. Hire. Me. My real job isn’t as cool. 

Changes to this episode:

1. CAN WE GET SOME MORE LESLEY M??? SHE HAS HAD ZERO AIR TIME AND SHE IS MY FUCKING FAVORITE AND I’M FUCKIN MAD!!!! LIKE NOT EVEN A QUICK ASIDE!!! WHAT IN THE MOTHERFUCK!!!
2. That’s it.

OH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. NEXT WEEK IS A 2 NIGHT SHOW??? DO YOU WANT ME TO BLACK OUT ALL WEEK AND MISS WORK??? This is really not fair. I can’t believe it. 2 nights in a row of destroying my body and not remembering the second half of the show. Send prayers my way.