Episode 4 – Night 1

So, sorry I haven’t been up to date, but I have a real job that pays me real money so unfortunately that comes first.

According to superhost Chris Harrison, today is the start of a worldwide journey. Around the world. And the first exotic location they’re going to is…Montana. One time zone away. These bitches are like “…yay…”

Sean thinks it’s the most beautiful place he’s ever seen. He apparently travels to Montana by himself in a little seaplane and lands in some rando lake. How did he get on this thing? I have to assume they took off from the pool in the bachelor mansion. The girls get to Montana via this real weird open-roof retro car-limousine thing. WTF is that?

They have a sick lodge in Montana. I want to go.

Lindsay gets the 1-on-1. This was the girl that wore the wedding dress the first day. Tagline: “Let love soar.” Something with a plane/helicopter. Jump out of plane/helicopter? Fly plane/helicopter around mountains in Montana? Go shopping with Neil Lane for diamond-encrusted plane/helicopter?

They walk outside and first thing she says is… “IS THAT A HELICOPTER?” No shit, honey. Yes, to no one’s surprise but yours, that is a helicopter.

They fly around and land in some Indian reservation. They sit down in the middle of a field, on a blanket, and just cuddle that shit out. Some making out. This is so boring. Oh wait there’s a picnic basket with some chardonnay. I guess that’s sort of interesting? No it’s not.

They go inside some lodge and sit and cuddle and kiss, etc. DO SOMETHING INTERESTING.

Now they have a private concert. I don’t recognize who it is, but I like her. This is so standard. Concert, little raised platform, potentially with an oriental rug on it, they awkard-dance on it, groundlings from around town gathered to witness the love in action. Just like your mom and dad did it.

Back at the house – Tierra and Jackie are lined up for the 2-on-1. Tierra is confident. Everyone else heads out for the group date.

Group date. There are goats. Is this a hazing event? I hope not. Hazing + Goats = non-bloggable material unsafe for your virgin eyes.

It’s some sort of relay; I’m not really paying attention. One part is it is one of them has to drink the goat’s milk. Desiree is willing to “down” the goats milk to spend time with Sean. You can make these girls do anything if you promise them “more time with Sean”. So creepy.

It sounds like the rules dictate that this is an elimination challenge. Losers get to go home to the awesome Montana lodge to chill out and drink, winners have to spend MORE TIME WITH SEAN.

Selma now giving us all advice on how to properly milk a goat. She says just give the goat a little [handjob motion]. Roommates in the audience think she had pretty good form.

Oh they’re carrying canoes? What? I guess I missed that part. They have to paddle somewhere. Blue team runs into a fucking tree or something. Sean thinks they will never finish. I agree, this is really unimpressive. Paddling a canoe in a forward direction is not rocket science. Actually, it’s much easier than any kind of science. These girls struggle with even the simplest tasks. (Ex. Tierra v. Stairs)

Now they have to move these hay bales from one place to another. Oh no, the blue team dropped their hay bale! Because it fell apart. Again – simple tasks.

Omg now they have to saw a fucking log? With a two-man saw? It’s already like halfway done for them, but they still suck at it. OMG, this is so pathetic. Sean cannot be impressed. All these girls are good at is sitting under blankets and drinking white wine. And I guess Selma is good at…milking goats…

Roommate: “After this, there may be more than one one-armed woman in this contest” Yeah, it’s that bad.

And now for the goat-milking. Desiree apparently is really good with the utters. What’s up Selma? Red team wins. Desiree does indeed chug the goat milk.

Blue team is sad. They have to ride home in the shame van. Winning red team gets to drink champagne while wearing adorably matching outfits and giggling together about how stupid those blue team sluts are.

Sean delivers a note to the blue team losers via Harrison. He feels bad that the blue team sucks at canoeing, moving objects from one place to another, sawing wood, and milking goats. He wants them to come to the cocktail party too. This is stupid. There is no sense of order or justice on this show. He just does whatever he wants. So do the producers. So do the girls. NOBODY FOLLOWS THE RULES AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

OMGZ THE BLUE TEAM GIRLS ARE SO EXCITED TO GO TO THE PARTY! “SEAN IS SHOWING SO MUCH CHARACTER! THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION, ITS ABOUT FINDING SOMEONE HE CONNECTS WITH!” Ugh.

Tierra, meanwhile, is pissed that these loser bitches still get to go hang out with Sean. She’s writing angry things in her diary. Here’s what it says:

Dear Diary. Hi! It’s me! Tierra, remember?!? Today was a really good day for me and my boyfriend Sean. He looked at me twice and also said my name. He went on a date with only 9 other women today, but that’s ok because we get to have our time soon! These bitches are so basic. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean. Tierra ❤ Sean.

She says: “I need to go find Sean” Haha wow, she is about to go crash this party, too. The producers have to be enabling her. So just to clarify, the 4 girls that won the challenge will be spending time at their hard-earned victory party. The 4 girls that lost are also invited to the victory party. And now Tierra, who was not even involved in the competition and doesn’t even know what a canoe is, will now be attending the victory party.

Bitches who were already at the party are pissed. They think they earned the right to be with Sean by milking that fuckin’ goat and driving that canoe in a circle.

Tierra just rolls up by herself and crashes his little monologue session. Sean: “I had no idea why she was there” Tierra: “I need to see the guy I’m dating!” Ha, wow.

She corners him and asks him why he’s sending her on the 2 on 1. “I don’t want to be misled. Tomorrow we will have our time, but I hope you follow your heart” WTF does that even mean? You haven’t even been on the damn date yet. She says “I did what my gut told me to do” Your gut told you to crash the party that you weren’t invited to, the day before you go on an elimination challenge, just to tell the guy to follow his heart. Your gut is so stupid.

Sean says: “I worry about Tierra because I think she’s having a hard time handling how this works” Yeah I agree. I wonder if she knew the structure of the contest when she signed up. It seems like she got to the mansion the first day and didn’t know that other girls would be invited. I think she just thought this was a reality show about her and Sean falling in love, while a bunch of other women are also on the same show, but not in any way trying to get with Sean or get proposed to or whatever. Yeah, probably.

This girl Katherine is a SERIOUS sleeper. He really likes her. Idk about the nose ring, but whatever. Like, sitting on his lap, etc. He definitely likes her a lot. She doesn’t get a lot of airtime because she just chills out and tries not to do anything weird.

Naturally, Daniela feels that she’s missing out and wants to interrupt. Unfortunately, another girl is sitting on her boyfriend’s penis. Daniela goes back to cry about it to Desiree. Desiree is worried that she might have spilled some of her vodka cranberry on the white couch they’re sitting on, and does not care about Daniela at all.

Sean pulls Daniela aside for her time allotment, and she just immediately starts crying. Not a good strategy. I would send you right back into the main room, I don’t have time for that. You only get a little bit of time with Sean before some other girl comes to interrupt or Tierra smacks you with a curling iron and steals your man. You don’t want to make him spend his time trying to put out a fire and make you stop crying. Well, never mind. They just make out and she shuts up.

Daniela gets the rose at the group date. This game defies logic.

2-on-1 tagline: Love is a wild ride. Tierra vs. Jackie. My life savings says Tierra gets this rose. If you think otherwise, you haven’t been watching ABC-Dating-Reality long enough.

They are going horseback riding. They just magically appear on top of these horses, ready to go. There is no way watching Tierra climb on top of a fucking horse was not worth showing on television. Do better, producers.

Jackie is pissed because Sean and Tierra’s horses are “like right next to each other” and she thinks her horse has ADD and doesn’t care enough about her getting engaged. Life’s hard, man.

They come to this little tent thing. Reminds me of Billy Madison’s tent. There is a table with wine. He and Jackie take a walk away from said table and wine, go to blanket in nearby field with no table, yes wine, no Tierra. Tierra is probably either napping, writing in her diary, or writing the word “Jackie” in tiny letters on a 9mm bullet and loading it into her concealed handgun.

Jackie decides to say that Tierra was flirting with some other guy at the airport and try and sabotage her. She then says: “I feel really good right now” immediately afterwards. Not sure if that’s going to be enough to get rid of Tierra. Remember – Tierra has a super-cute finger tattoo of a heart that’s only half finished and Sean is supposed to be the one to complete it. I mean, that is obviously every man’s dream. So that’s a lot to overcome.

They go inside some lodge for dinner and drinks. Another beautiful looking meal that will no doubt go wasted. OMG TIERRA IS EATING THE FOOD. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. TIERRA ATE THE FOOD AT THE DINNER ON THE BACHELOR. She can do whatever she wants. Producers are giving her permanent immunity. She has more control over the show than Chris Harrison.

Still obsessed with the dent in Tierra’s forehead. WTF is that?

Tierra opens up that her last bf was in some kind of rehab. Dated him for 5 years. Wow he died while they were dating. Serious baggage. Not a great way to convince a guy to be with you if you forced the last guy into rehab and then death.

Tierra gets the rose. Now Jackie is stuck in the middle of Nowhere, Montana. I hope they make her ride her ADD horse home so it takes her like a month. Nope, they put her in the black, camera-filled Tahoe of shame. She gets on camera and cries. “Tierra’s not the girl he’s supposed to be with”. You’re so stupid, Jackie. You didn’t just lose to Tierra, you lost to 9 OTHER WOMEN TOO.

OMG fireworks. THESE OTHER BITCHES NOTICE AND THEY ARE JEALOUS. THEY WANT THEIR OWN FIREWORKS. This show is so repetitive. Fireworks. Aircraft. Horses. Resort Locales. Blankets. Wine. Me blogging about it all. Wow, that’s a sad thought…

Back at the cocktail party, Tierra goes on her typical bitch-fest. “I seriously want to punch everyone in that room” I mean, this is great television. I will keep watching. I am a straight man. I am a straight man. I am a straight man.

“I wish I was a fighter…I would beat the shit out of these bitches”. I WOULD LOVE THAT PLEASE DO IT PLEASE YOU ARE THE BOSS HERE JUST DO IT PLEASE PUT DENTS IN EVERYBODY ELSES FOREHEADS TOO PLEASE.

Uh oh – Robin going after Tierra, who was just awkwardly sitting by herself in front of the fireplace.

So I’m going to try and introduce my first bachelor exposé here. There is a rambling conversation where Tierra seemingly talks a lot of shit to the other girls, and they want you to think that Robyn and Lesley are there talking to her. However, there is a point in the conversation where the tone gets WAY more confrontational. Tierra goes from stuff like “It’s just hard to handle” to “I’m not about to get f-ing threatened. You’re insecure, not me! I’m so over this, I really don’t care. If I want to go get engaged I can get engaged. There are plenty of f-ing guys in the world”. The camera angle changes in between the two parts. In the first section, she is in front of the fireplace because that’s where she was sitting when the girls approached her originally.

Tierra1

IN the second part, she is NOT in front of the fireplace. That’s because this part is later, after the other girls are gone, and now the producers are just asking her questions – with no other girls around. But they still edit it so that you think she’s saying all this to Robyn and Lesley.

Tierra2

Because she would never say this around other non-producer people or else she would get smothered to death in her sleep.

So there you go. Wow. I can’t believe I noticed that.

Back in the main room, Tierra is still bitchin’ it up. Right when Sean walks by, Tierra says: “I do bite. I am a Scorpio and my stinger comes out and I DO get pissed!” Nice one, producers.

Sean is intrigued, and wants to chat about it. Tierra says: “The girls are attacking me, just all of them” “I’m not a drama person at all””I don’t know if it’s because they see that we have a connection? A person can only handle so much..It’s frustrating because I am such a nice girl and no one gives me credit” Haha wow. If nothing else, at least she thinks she’s a whole lot better than everyone else. That’s good, I guess.

Wow. Interesting turn here. Sean takes Lindsey M aside, and specifically asks her about Tierra. Usually it’s the other way around and the girl just ruins her chances and gets herself kicked off the show (see: Kacie B). Lesley gives a very accurate and honest answer. That Tierra’s just not enjoyable to be around, and is not good at interacting with other people. Unfortunately, this is a key skill to be successful at being A HUMAN BEING IN SOCIETY. You learn to play nice with others in Kindergarten. Like, that’s pretty much the only point of Kindergarten. I also learned how to read and stuff but that’s minor.

Ok, so I wouldn’t be a good blogger if I didn’t mention this. Tierra’s eyebrow has its own twitter. Specifically her right one. Whenever she makes a face like “o rly mthrfcker?” or “what you say about me?” or “did you say free spray tan?” she cocks her eyebrow up real high. I don’t think it’s that important, but kind of funny to watch.

Oh man, Sean having a fireside chat with Harrison. This must be a big deal. These are usually the point in the show where the guy is “unsure” of “everything” and wants to chat it out with his best bro, Chris Harrison. Sean says he’s not sure his wife is in that room tonight. Well buddy you don’t really have a choice. Neil Lane is coming for you in a few weeks and you have to do something with that ring, and Harrison doesn’t want it.

Pre-ceremony elimination prediction: Robyn. If it’s Desiree I will throw my laptop across my living room.

Selma. Katherine. Lesley M (YESSS MOTHERFUCKER GO DAWGS), AshLee, Sarah (seriously when is she going home???), Desiree.

Robyn going home, I’m seriously way too good at this. Can I gamble on The Bachelor? Would make me a lot more money than my brokerage account is.

Can I just say: HOLY SHIT THE PREVIEW FOR NEXT EPISODE. AND THE WHOLE SEASON. OMG SO MUCH TO BE EXCITED FOR. TIERRA FUCKS HERSELF UP AGAIN (THIS TIME OUTDOORS AT LEAST AND NOT A FLIGHT OF STAIRS). TELLING EVERYONE SHE’S ABOVE THEM. OTHER BITCHES COMPLAINING. CLEARLY SHE MAKES IT FAR BECAUSE SHE IS IN SEVERAL LOCATIONS. OMGOMGOMG CAN’T WAIT.

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