Episode 4 – Part 2

Now they’re in Alberta, Canada. How did he get here? He just, like, appeared. He took a little seaplane. I think he took off from the pool at the bachelor mansion. The girls arrive in 2 limos. I assume one of them has 8 girls in it and the other has Tierra, wearing a helmet.

Chris Harrison says: “Welcome to the most romantic place in the Canadian Rockies” I wonder if there are any other romantic places there?

As usual, they have a sick hotel resort with an awesome view. The water is like, un-naturally blue. Who knew there was anything good in Canada? Not me.

First 1-on-1 goes to Catherine. The sleeper. Tagline: “Lets find our fairy tale ending” I hope there is a fairy tale ending to your bullshit.

Catherine says: “I’m so happy to be here. I’m so happy to enjoy this space with him.” Wtf does that even mean? Enjoy this space? Enjoy Canada? Nobody enjoys Canada. Not even Canadians.

They make her wait for him in the middle of the fucking tundra. He pulls up in this fucking gigantic bus thing. Idk what this thing is. It’s like, a monster truck bus. The date for today is that they are going to go “play on a glacier.” Whoa whoa whoa, they’re letting him drive this fucking monstrosity? This is really not safe. This is a lot more difficult to operate than his little bowflex machine. Nice how they let him operate heavy industrial equipment but Tierra is not allowed near the stairs anymore.

Hahaha this is miserable. He’s just pulling her around on a toboggan. On flat ground. In the middle of goddamn Siberia. In the middle of a fucking blizzard. “I never get cold when I’m with him” Christ, the return of the metaphors. Other activities include sledding, flips, somersalts, walking on their hands, making snow angels. This is so stupid. The weather is so miserable, it looks so cold. I hate.

Even in all this snow and misery, they still manage to find a blanket, sit down, and drink something out of thermoses (presumably white wine). They certainly stick to the formula on this show. So glad that me and my girlfriend never sit under blankets and share wine while talking about nothing.

They go back to the lodge to regroup, and then take a horse drawn carriage to this fucking igloo ice castle thing. It’s pretty cool. It reminds me of this vodka cage thing i went in once where they dressed me in a soviet military outfit and made me drink a bunch of vodka out of shot glass made of ice. But anyway, there is still a couch and a blanket and wine for them to enjoy. Neither couch nor blanket is made of ice.

Catherine is opening up about this time when she was 12 at summer camp. A tree fell on the girl in front of her and killed her instantly. Holy shit. Not very relevant, but wow. What a freak accident. She probably made it up, but whatever.

She gets a rose. I think to get a rose you just have to tell a real sad story about yourself so that he thinks you’re opening up. Here’s a sad story. When I was like 9, my friend accidentally dropped a brick on my head. It hurt real bad. It was real sad. Give me my rose, please.

“Catherine has melted my heart’ You’re melting my patience, Catherine.

Group date tagline: “Let’s bare our souls” I hope it’s a nudity challenge.

Oh god, they’re going canoeing again. Canoeing to the other end of the lake. This will take them literally 4 hours. You remember last time when they paddled in circles while Sean laughed at them and Harrison read the entire 50 shades of grey series. Lesley is smart about it and decides to get in Sean’s canoe. The other bitches think she is cheating because she actually did something smart. Poor Sarah is struggling again BECAUSE SHE HAS ONE FUCKING ARM AND THEY KEEP MAKING HER DO TWO-ARMED THINGS. Does everything have to be a physical challenge? Come on. Homegirl got one arm.

Lesley turns around to face him in the canoe. This is real smart, but other girls hate it. Selma wanted to tip the boat over and send them both to a quick and icy death. This is because she is a mean bitch from Bagdad and water is her kryptonite.

They get to the end where they are going to do a polar bear club thing and jump in the water and make a bunch of metaphors about how love is a plunge and the cold but Sean will warm their hearts and shit. Sean: “Now, can we go get undressed?” Ok so he’s still a straight at this point.

Selma is the only one not doing it, because she says she is from Baghdad and they are desert people. What are you the wicked witch of the west? You won’t dissolve.

Ok so they jump in. It’s so funny. Everyone is pumped. Lesley is pumped. Sarah is pumped. Desiree is pumped. AshLee is proud of herself. Everyone loved it an had a great time.

IN THE SURPRISE OF THE FUCKING CENTURY, TIERRA IS FREAKING OUT. THINK SHE’S DYING. WHY DON’T YOU GO THE FUCK INSIDE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST GO INSIDE AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Just whoring for attention. All the other girls are fine. Even the girl with one arm is fine. Tierra thinks she’s going to die in 5 minutes.

Back from commercial, and Tierra is shaking violently and dramatic music is playing. Her multi-layered makeup is now all over her face. They got her in a wheelchair just covered in blankets. She has on like a million jackets.

She says: “I missed time with him…”. While she is making all these people try and make sure she isn’t hypothermic. Omg you are such a fucking drama queen. It’s so easy to predict. Tierra now on an oxygen feed, eating a motherfuckin’ cheeseburger. Having the staff put on her fucking socks for her. This cannot be real. I hate everyone.

Sean goes in to check on her and they cuddle and shit. I’m sure the women of America are pretty infuriated. I don’t care that much.

Now for the after-group-date cocktail party. They are excited that Tierra won’t be there on account of the hypothermia. Always good to wish ill upon others. Pumped because they get more TIME WITH SEAN and there will be no drama. Lesley M get’s the first alone time. Blanket, wine, couch. Formulaic.  She says “I love love”. That is such a girl thing. First bad thing I’ve heard her say. Sean says “I love your energy. I appreciate you so much” WTF THAT’S SO FUCKING STUPID YOU REMIND ME OF THAT DOUCHEBAG BEN. Ugh. I hate this show. No I don’t.

Tierra says: “I’m not having fun at all!” She’s pissed. Her eyebrow is out of control. It has a mind of it’s own. Look at this motherfucking thing.

photo

That thing is in it’s own stratosphere. It has it’s own twitter. It’s @TierrasEyebrow. I want a shootout, @TierrasEyebrow

Tierra puts on an hour’s worth of make up and is about to crash the party. Again. As soon as the door opens the whole fucking place goes silent. THE HATE IS SO REAL.

Lesley M: “She is a professional at getting attention. We have a Tierra-rist on our hands” That’s really fucking clever. Trademark Lesley M. That’s really clever and I wish I thought of it. I want to get married to her. “Sorry” – me to my girlfriend.

Tierra gets pulled aside and bullshits about how her life is so hard and she got real cold one time and blah blah EYEBROW. YESSSSS LINDAY BREAKS IT UP AND ITS AWESOME.

Sean says: “I appreciate everyone that ’embraced today’. This poor girl gets hypothermia and still shows up. So I’m giving the rose to someone who really ’embraced today’ and who I’ve also turned a corner with..”

If it’s Tierra I’m dead.

IT’S LESLEY YES WOOOOOO MOTHERFUCKER I LOVE EVERYONE

Tierra’s face is priceless.

Sean says there’s a woman here who wants him to meet his family, but he just doesn’t see a forever with her. He’s about to send Sarah home. OMG this is so bad. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t want it to happen. I’m not going to write about it. It’s so sad. It happened.

Desiree gets another one on one, while Tierra and Daniela don’t have one yet. I don’t care.

Desiree goes on the second 1-on-1. They hike up a fuckin’ mountain. They’re gonna have a picnic. Except the picnic is at the bottom and they have to repel down the mountain.

“Rappelling down the mountain was seriously like a relationship. it does get hard.” SO FUCKING STUPID WITH THIS METAPHOR. DID YOU GO TO COLLEGE? Honestly that shit is really easy. Rappelling is really easy. College is also actually really easy. My girlfriend: “Take off your american eagle jeans”. Would just like to point out that my girlfriend thinks she’s better than Desiree because she has mainstream jeans. K good.

They go sit on a blanket in the middle of a field and drink wine. Bored.

Night session in the motherfuckin’ teepee. I haven’t ever seen a teepee in real life. My girlfriend: “I want to spend time with the teepee” I think that’s funny because she’s real drunk.

Desiree says she lived in a tent for 4 months when she was a kid. Then in a trailer. Good thing my girlfriend made fun of her american eagle jeans. Awesome.

Sean: “She was vulnerable with me…I can see myself proposing…” I DON’T FUCKIN’ CARE ABOUT YOUR VULNERABILITY.

Cocktail party. Selma makes some sort of brave move and plants a super awkward kiss on Sean. “To kiss someone on television is a HUGE SHAME to my family.” Love that.

AshLee gives him some sort of weird symbolic blindfold. I missed the details. It’s real fuckin’ weird. She says: “I hate being blindfolded, I don’t like the unknown” BUT YOU JUST GAVE HIM THE FUCKING BLINDFOLD TO PUT ON YOUR FACE. In her monologue she starts crying about something. I have no idea what’s going on and it’s stupid. “It makes me vulnerable and it’s scary” Whatever. You’re not going to win, AshLee. Nobody wants to marry a girl whose name is spelled AshLee. He carries AshLee somewhere. WTF is this? This is so weird. Making out with blindfold on. The blindfold was so stupid. When the blindfold is removed she is crying. This is bizarre. I would cut her tonight if I was him. This is too weird and high maintenance.

Roses: Lindsay, AshLee. And Tierra, obviously.

Selma (while crying): “I honestly don’t think Tierra is the right person for Sean”. YOU BITCHES DON’T GET IT. YOU’RE NOT LOSING TO TIERRA, YOU’RE LOSING TO LESLEY M AND DESIREE AND CATHERINE, NOT TIERRA. TIERRA IS THE COMEDIC RELIEF. Daniela says: “I put my self out there with my heart and I was vulnerable” Whatever.

YESSS MOTHERFUCKERS WE ARE GOING TO ST. CROIX NEXT WEEK SHOW ME THOSE BIKINIS. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK WHEN I DON’T HAVE TO WORK SO MUCH!!!

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