Episode 6 – St. Croix

Sorry sorry sorry for being so late on this one. Same old story. Not giving up yet.

 

Previews are great. I love them. So much crying.

 

Another seaplane for Sean. Oh! The other girls are also there in a sea plane! 6 women left?? Holy shit, I did not realize. I thought this would just go on forever. Congrats to my girl Lesley M for making final 6.

 

Buccaneer hotel. Great plug. Lindsey just made $17.50 for mentioning it. They are in St. Croix. No idea where that is but I love it and it is tropical and nice.

 

“I wanna be on the beach. I wanna be on the sun. I wanna be in my swimsuit. I wanna be in his swimsuit.” – AshLee. I hope your grandparents are watching this. But you’re 32 so they’re probably way dead.

 

Tierra: “I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriends.” Too easy.

 

AshLee gets the first one-on-one. They go on a catamaran and take a tour of a private island. But they have to swim out there. 

 

“ever since she let me blindfold her…she showed me her vulnerability…” ugh. FYI those girls are fake. The sideboob gives it away.

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Oh no, the catamaran scene. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. They’re gonna hold hands and they’re gonna fucking jump off. 

 

They did it. I hate this show and I love this show. I hate this show and I love this show. I hate this show and I love this show.

 

Lesley on her friend Tierra – “I want to roll her roll-away bed into the freaking ocean” Nice. Murder her.

 

AshLee now talking shit about Tierra on the 1-on-1. Will it work this time? There is much chardonnay fueling the conversation.

 

Ashlee has something intense to share – 15 years ago in high school she had a boyfriend, things were difficult with mom, got married when she was 17? OMG PLEASE SAY SHE’S STILL MARRIED??? Nope. Dated freshman year married junior year, “broke up” senior year. Yeah, thats called a divorce. She must be from the south. I hope not North Carolina.

 

She just dropped L bomb on our hero Sea. Wow, already?

 

Tierra gets a one-on-one. Omg this will be interesting.

 

Sean about to bring up the fact that everyone on this fucking show hates her. Problems. They have dinner at a “sugar mill” which is super romantic and unique and shit.

 

Tierra is upset because she thinks Sean is getting distant, and her BF is not giving her the attention she deserves. Which is bullshit because she’s getting every bit of available attention from the producers, contestants, and celebrity bloggers. She better get fuckin’ cut. Tierra says “I’m falling in love with you”. These girls are like dominos. Once somebody breaks the seal, everybody’s got to get their L-bomb in. 

 

Group date: Catherine, Disiree, Lindsey

 

“Love is on the horizon” is the tagline. Catherine calls zip-lining. If it is, she’s brilliant and i love her. My guess is that sean is make them watch a sun rise/set with some sort of minor twist mixed in. Maybe from a plane or something. 

 

Sean does this thing where he ambushes them while they’re sleeping and takes pics of them. He apparently wants to see what they look like without makeup on. A fair ask, but definitely  good way to get your ass beat by 3 girls. Women get real serious about that shit. 

 

I was right. They watch the sunrise. Mimosas magically appear. Then they drive all across St. Croix. Final destination is a treehouse. The treehouse sucked. 

 

They land at this place called sandy point and go in the water. Catherine talks about something about depression and stuff. Wow, when she was 14 her dad had a suicide attempt in front of she and her sisters. Wow. Wow that’s a big deal. Wow.

 

Lesleys tits are not fake. AshLee, I’m not so sure anymore. No idea anymore. But hey Lesley…

 

 

 

Here’s the rose: Lindsay. Fuck. I hate myself. We wanted Desiree. 

 

Ohhhh Lesley gets a 1-on-1!!! “I hope our love stands the test of time” I hope your existence on this show stands the test of time.

 

Ok here’s the date with Lesley. She looks great. Lesley has something to confess. They all do, Jesus. Is this confession week? What if you don’t have anything good to say? I confess that one time when I was little I stole a starburst from the grocery store from a bag that ripped. I lied to my mom and told her that I had it when I came in. But it was on the ground, though, so nobody was going to use it anyway. Anyway, back to Lesley: “I…” she doesn’t want to tell him today. Wow. Lack of vulnerability. Sean the psychologist will take note of this. 

 

Wow they kiss. She’s so hot. They want to bone so bad. She had a LOT of experience at UGA. She probably lived in Brumby. 

 

SEAN’S SISTER SHAY IS HERE. SHE SIGNED HIM UP FOR THE SHOW. THAT’S NOT REALLY EXCITING ENOUGH TO WARRANT THE CAPS LOCK BUT IT’S TOO LATE NOW I ALREADY STARTED.

 

Tierra and Ashlee taLking to each other. Here comes the fight. Omg here it comes. Her eyebrow. Omg. Tierra wants to kill. She must spill the blood of innocents. She thinks she’s been sabotaged. AshLee asks for names. 

 

Tierra: “I’m a 24 year old woman! You’re 32 years old” I’m not gonna sit around and talk high school stuff!” Shots fired. The age jab. A staple of any respectable girl’s arsenal. 

 

“Your’e jealous! Men love me” – Tierra. Wowww the young temptress from Denver! Coming out confident! Let’s hope she’s not burning through too much ammo out of the gate…

 

“When I’m 32 years old, I’m married, with a family, and I don’t have to sit around with 22 year olds gossiping!” Still going strong. She’s been waiting for her time to shine. She was born for this moment. She is the queen of the queendom of bitch.

 

“Oh, and your character is so great? I’m done with this conversation” – Tierra. A decisive end. Calling the game on her terms. With a singeing walk off jab. Omg her eyebrow is just. Going. Insane. Again. It is the chupacabra. It is the illuminati. I’m hypnotized by it’s dance of seduction. It is my valentine.

 

ASHLEE NOW TALKING ABOUT THE EYEBROW! “Raised eyebrow? AshLee that’s my face!” Can’t believe AshLee mentioned it. It’s coming for her. He has 7 days to live. Her firstborn children are dead. They belong to eyebrow. 

 

Tierra says “people said ‘you would be trouble’. They said Tierra, you have a sparkle” What? Sparkle? Are you fucking honey boo boo? “I can’t control my eyebrow!” “I’m not perfect! Get over it!” Keep it up girl. You are my wine-consumption inspiration.

 

There was a Neil Lane commercial.

 

Sean suggests that he and his sister go and talk to Tierra to try and sort things out. Can’t wait. 

 

He heads off to find Tierra crying . Typical. Her finger tat is so stupid. “What are you doing? Why are you actin like this?” Good fuckin’ question, brother.

 

Sean: “I came here so you could meet somebody.” 

Tierra: “WHOOOOOOO!!!!” 

“I’ll show you, if we Just go”

“THIS IS JUST SO HARD FOR ME SEAN!!!”

 

I’ve about had it with this bitch. This girl is like a living whitegirl/firstworld/problemshitgirlssay. 

 

CUT THIS BITCH NOW MY GOD

 

Tierra crying. Sean – “I’ve made a decision, I know what I need to do” YOU NEED TO FINISH THE UNFINISHED HEART SHAPED FINGER TATTOOOOOO!

 

Sean: “I know how hard his has been on you. I’m crazy about you and I have been since the very first night. And since I care so much about you, it might be best if you go home now…”

 

YEAAA!!!!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!! 

 

Wow she gets put in the blue shame van. “I can’t believe he did this to me”…

 

Now for the “cocktail party” aka final rose ceremony

 

Lesleys’ tithes look great.

 

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Wow, no cocktail party. Only rose ceremony. Why not just have a cockail party? Who doesn’t like a party?

 

Wow. Lesley gone.

 

Editor’s note: Wrote a lot of all-caps screaming, but deleted it because it made zero sense. Call me, Lesley. 

 

 

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