Episode 8 – HOMETOWNS!!!!!!!11

Back in Houston, Texas for AshLee’s hometown first. She’s setting up a blanket in a shitty little field. They drink champagne. “My family’s not the typical pastor family. My dad’s into motorcycles….” Motorcycles aren’t badass. My dad has one. He’s not a badass. Motorcycles are for fat 50-year old dudes.

Her parents are fat and uggo. How is she so attractive and skinny? Oh right, she’s adopted, so that explains that. Her dad has a big, awesome mustache. 

Deborah, AshLee’s mom, is awesome and also real fat. “What are your intentions with AshLee – are you gonna break her heart???” Easiest question ever. Just answer that you do not intend to break said heart.

Her dad is SUPER Texas. He has real light jeans that are probably from 1993 and awesome cowboy boots. Jeff Foxworthy is his spirit animal. Sean asks about the 17-year old marriage and WTF everyone was thinking. Dad didn’t really care that much. AshLee was probably such a bitchy little teenager. Good thing she grew out of that phase into a bitchy 32-year old Bachelor contestant phase.

I really didn’t think much of her hometown was worth talking about. I hated all of it. Nothing was funny or entertaining. I miss you, Lesley M.

Catherine’s turn – a visit to Seattle. Obviously they go to the fish market because what else is there in Seattle? I don’t know, but I do know there is this market where guys throw Salmon around like footballs and yell and scream at each other. So they go do that and he’s catching salmon like they do there. They don’t show him dropping any, but I know he did.  She’s going to try now. She has no chance. Yep, dropped. “It’s slippery!” I know, it’s a fish. She makes a one-handed stab. They kiss and exchange salmon juices. It was all very exciting.

Now, back at Catherin’s house, our white bread blonde Texan is about to walk into the Philippine lady-tiger den. Looks like a lot of sassy old-school women with sriracha in their veins and a healthy distrust of the white man. Lots of drinking. SOME FUCKING DANK LOOKING SNACKS. Wow I want to eat those little Philippine treats.

Her grandma wants to bang Sean. And she lets him know. She is trying to steal him. I vote for grandma to come to the fantasy sex suite next week.

Her sisters are hot, but they are trying to sabotage her because they only watched last episode and they think that continual sabotage is the main premise of the show. They are terrifying him. He is not comfortable with this at all. Cockblock city. “She’s not ready for commitment. She’s messy. She can’t ‘handle her moods’”. Yikes. It takes me a week to get around to matching my clean socks, but at least I can “handle my moods.”

Wow, he asks for the blessing from her mom and she says, “We’ll…see what happens” Ouch, blonde foreigner man. This is just like that movie Pocahontas. No love for the beautiful blonde man who’s coming to take away our musical Indian princess. Tierra was the fat raccoon in this analogy. Fat raccoon’s name was Meeko.

This was really not a good hometown. I would not be excited if I was him.

Lindsay’s hometown. Ft. Leonard Wood, MO. Her dad is a Major General, which means 2 stars for all of you who aren’t up to snuff on military ranks. What this means is that he is basically like an executive in the Army and he is in charge of a LOT of people. He also commands a tremendous amount of respect. There are only a handful of generals out there, of any rank.

I can’t believe this girl made it this far. She came in a fucking wedding dress. How has Sean forgotten that so quickly? 

Before he meets dad, she’s making him do a cute little army boy routine. She stands him at attention and spanks him and stuff. 20 pushups. She then sits on him while he does pushups. I swear, this is everyone’s favorite activity with this guy. Sit on him while he does pushups. Kissing sit-ups. About face-then-butt-smack. She wants to bang so bad. He just wants to stop being forced to do pushups.

Her dad is sort of quiet. Her mom is very loud. Mom sits down and asks him to deliver an L-bomb, and he says no. Says he will say it when he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Mom eats it up. She dumb.

Talking to dad. I’m real scared of this guy. Sean asks his permission for marry Lindsay. Her dad doesn’t have an answer. He’s known Sean for 2 hours. OMG YES I KNEW HE WAS GOING TO GO ALL MILITARY ON HIM YES. “You have to manage risk. You have to have the authority to make the decision.” Fuck, Ok, he gives him permission. After the camera stops rolling, he politely lets Sean know that if he does anything wrong, he will be erased from existence by the Delta Force and his body will never be found. There will be unmanned surveillance aircraft tailing every helicopter he boards for the rest of his life… 

Dad gives him some dog tags to remember him by. “So that after I kill you, I’ll remember what your name was”. Ok he didn’t actually say that, but that’s what dog tags are for.

Now for Desiree’s hometown. Los Angeles, CA. She’s so happy to have him here in her hometown! To remind you guys, they’ve been in LA for the entire season. He could have taken the city bus to get there.

They go to Desiree’s apartment. I wish they would show everyone’s fridge like in Cribs. Desiree’s is full of wine, fage yogurt, and assorted wedding cakes.

Oh, there’s a knock on the door. She is surprised. It’s a mysterious man? Is it her brother? Is it a boyfriend? Sean is being awkward about it. Mystery man seems surprised by the cameras? I think this is definitely a boyfriend. WOW!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A BOYFRIEND!!! LIKE MAYBE A REAL BOYFRIEND!!! WOW!!!! OMG I HOPE THEY FIGHT. “Why didn’t you call me???” he says! Idk because she was on the bachelor trying to bang this dude!!!??? Wow apparently Desiree’s brother told this guy to come!!! YEAAAAAAAS!!!!! ILOVETHEDRAMAAAAA.

SHE HAS SOMETHING TO CONFESS!!!

MOTHERFUCK MOTHERFUCK MOTHERFUCK EVERYTHING. THIS IS AN ACTOR. Oh it’s because he tricked her the first time on that date, with the art. Wow. I am full of hate. I was so excited. FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKK. 

He meets the families. Her Bro has a sleeve tat. And a hand tat. He is about to fuck shit up so here come the ALL CAPS, just be ready. Her parents look like mega-nerds. Nobody’s parents are good looking. How does that work? You always gotta make sure the girl’s mom is good looking. Her bro Nathan is real dumb and tatted. He’s gonna try and be a tough guy here.  This douche pulls Sean aside and tries to fuck shit up. Calls him a playboy. Sean says he’s not. Wow. Brother doesn’t believe him. Sean wants to kill him. Brother wants to smoke some meth, create a mashup, and then play Halo 3 until he passes out.

It’s awkward at dinner. Parents start talking about the weather. That’s a dead giveaway that it’s super awkward. Dad: “we have four distinct seasons” Nice. Always great to tell the guy about the number of seasons experienced in the same city he’s been in since the show began.

Sean is not pumped about this. She’s pretty disappointed. Everyone embarrassed of Nathan, the brother with the tats. This was a shitty hometown and she is real sad. Nathan the brother has to be some kind of fucked up. I bet the producers threw him 50 bucks and some meth in exchange for fucking shit up just now.

Getting ready for the final ceremony. HE HAS NO CLARITY OMG WHAT WILL HE DOOOOOoOoooOooooo??? Talkin’ it out w/ his bro Chris Harrison. Haven’t seen ol’ Chris in a minute. He says he’s confused. It comes down to Catherine and Desiree. I’m surprised at that. I like them both, but their families clearly fucked shit up.

BLAH BLAH MOTHERUCKING BLAH HE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. DESIREE SAYS “SEAN CAN I TALK TO YOU REAL QUICK.” HE LIKE, YEAH YOU CAN.

She says she’s real sorry. She starts crying. Apologizing for her brother. Why do they do it like this? At the very last second? Do they not have cell phones? Twitter? Instagram apology? AIM? Skype? Myspace? Expressive youtube clip? Apology meme? WORDPRESSSSSSS!

Catherine wants to apologize too. She scared. 

AshLee gets the first rose and I’m fuckin mad. 

Lindsay gets the next. Also shitty.

Dez or Catherine. Dez or Catherine. I think Dez. I think Dez. 

OMG HE PUTS THE MUTHERFUCKIN LAST ROSE DOWN AND GOES INTO THE ROOM TO LOOK AT THE LADY PICTURES AGAIN!!!!!!! THIS SHOW IS AMAZING YALL MOTHERFUCKAS OMG THE SUSPENSE.

Sorry I’m drunk.

He wants to cut Dez so bad. He does it. She is going to literally beat the shit out of her brother. That is 100% it. Her brother ruined it and she will hate him forever. Wow. One last chance. Sit him down outside on the “last chance bench” to try and convince. Not working. 

Ride of shame. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do about my life!” *sobs* HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Yeah good point, your life is pretty much beyond saving now. Might as well just give it up and go join the convent.

OMG THE PREVIEW FOR TOMORROW. ANOTHER FUCKING 2-SHOW WEEK THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. HE’S A VIRGIN SAVING HIMSELF FOR MARRIAGE! HE HAS A TINY DICK. ALL GIRLS HERE AGREE HIS DICK IS REAL TINY AND I HOPE SO TOO. 

See you soon!

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