Episode 1 – Sean Lowe

(Sorry, this is a long post because there’s a lot going on. They’ll get shorter)

So I watched the last season (the one with Emily Maynard as the Bachelorette) and here’s what I can say about this guy: He’s real blonde, he has real blue eyes, and he is real jacked. He sells insurance or some shit in Texas, but women don’t really care about that if you have great abs.

As we launch into the intro to the show, we get some great shots of our hero looking thoughtfully out over a lake or a fjord or some shit. Unclear when this occurs in the season, but, as always, looking longingly towards water/beach/mountains/outer space is a frequent theme. Apparently there will be lots of girl drama. Surprise. It even looks like there will be some sort of mountain climbing/hypothermia accident. I’m excited.

So they introduce Sean, our Bachelor. After about 5 seconds, he is shirtless and sweaty, with lots of running shots. Running outside, running on a treadmill, etc.. Now he’s doing some curls. Voiceover about true love and shit while they show him working out. I get it, ABC, he’s in better shape than me. You heard it here first: his pecs will be glistening at all times.

They quickly flashback to last season, and already Sean says “I was the most vulnerable I’ve ever been” Holy shit, I thought they were going to wait. If you don’t remember from previous blog posts (shame on you), the word “vulnerable” is going to be like nails on a chalkboard by the end of this show. And it’s already happening. Gotta love the vernacular.

They show him back in Texas with his family, obviously to promote the notion that he’s a “family man”. His dad asked him “how’s the heart feel?”. Who the fuck are these people? I hope nobody asks me that. That is a cardiologist question. His dad kind of looks like a gay old man.

Now they show him shirtless playing in the sprinkler with these little kids. Now laughing in a hammock. I guarantee all single women over age 25 are having a series of mild heart attacks. This could be you! Honestly, I could be a producer for this show. It’s too easy.

He’s on a beach. He’s staring onto the ocean. Again. In a cruel and symbolic coincidence, there is a couple getting married in the background, and he is looking at his feet thoughtfully. When will that be him!?!

Now he is just climbing on some fucking rock. For no reason. Shirtless. It’s not even a big rock. This is so ridiculous.

In a (mildly) surprising twist, Arie is coming to give him MAKEOUT ADVICE. If you remember from last season, Arie liked to put his hands all up on that poor bitch’s face and roll her head around like a playtoy.  My girlfriend says Arie is “stupid hot”. I’m making her sit on the floor.

The Makeout According to Douchebag Arie: “The most important thing is eye contact. {NO} and you gotta use your hands {WITHIN REASON}. dominant right hand {ONLY IF RIGHT HANDED}, play with the hair {MAYBE}, the other hand is to touch the face {HOW MANY HANDS DO YOU HAVE???}, pull them close {WITH FOURTH HAND}, you’re really kissing with your whole body {PLEASE USE 5TH HAND}. And the tongue, it’s almost like a teaser with the tongue.” {HOW EXHAUSTING}

Sean, smartly, says he doesn’t want to use any of this advice.

So now that the pregame fluff is out of the way, here’s CHRIS HARRISON! I fucking love this guy. He routinely crushes it. And he just got divorced so now he can bang as many of these lucky ladies as he wants. Now let’s look at some of the 25 women who have signed up to become MRS. SEAN LOWE.

Desiree: 26, bridal stylist. She helps women find wedding dresses all day. Yikes. She’s kind of cute, though.

Tierra: 24, Denver. They give her the “surprise reveal” about who her Bachelor is, and when they tell her it’s Sean, she has a legit freakout. She’s real pumped that he’s “family oriented.” Like, too pumped. Holy shit. I’m kind of scared of this bitch.

Robin: Houston, sales and engineering. She says engineers are socially awkward and boring (hey dad!). She puts sticky notes everywhere because she wants to learn Spanish? Because she says it’s the language of love? I don’t know, I gotta say French, probably. Spanish is the language of Chipotle. Mmmm.

Diana: 30, Salt Lake City. Hairdresser. She has 2 kids. This is a no-go. Thanks for playing.

Sarah: 26, Los Angeles, advertising designer. She was born with one arm. Wow. Amputated the bottom half of her arm while in the womb. This is a tough spot to put Sean in, because there’s no realistic way that this will happen. I’m going to resist comment on this, because although I really do think she’s a sweet girl – this is definitely not the right avenue for her to find real love.

Ashley: 28, hairstylist. She apparently has no idea why she’s single, because she’s actively searched for a boyfriend. For now, she’s just chillin’ with her cat. Shout out to all you ladies who are chillin’ with your cat. Apparently, she has a special man in her life, and guess what, his name is Christian Grey. Great. She says that she wants to re-enact some scenes with Sean. This is creepy as fuck. Then she throws out “everything’s bigger in Texas”, “spank me”, and “I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me.”. This bitch is nuts. Watch out for this one, folks.

Leslie: 25, Washington DC, political consulting. I think she’s cute. She seems pretty sharp, maybe too sharp. I like her.

Kristy: a Ford model? Is that what she said? I don’t really know what that means, but she’s pretty hot.

Ashley: a professional organizer? What in God’s name is that? Like, are you OCD for a living? Apparently she was a foster kid, so there’s a lot of baggage here. She’s already crying. I mean, I feel bad and that sucks, but that’s not the kind of thing that’s successful on this show. Maybe Sean will be sympathetic.

Only a little more than half a bottle of wine in. I’m definitely behind the pace. Have I lost my touch? Stepping on the gas.

At this point in the program, these ladies will pile out of their chardonnay-filled limousine and stumble up to Sean and try not to say/do something awkward. Roughly 1/3 will forget to tell him their name. There will also be some real white-trashy spellings (ex. Lindzi). I’m pumped.

First Limo. Who goes first?

AshLee: the organizer. First girl and already, what a HORRIBLE spelling. I mean, if you told me that’s how you spelled your name, I would just refuse to speak to you.

Jackie: 25, a cosmetics consultant: She wants to “put her mark on him.” So she puts on some lipstick. Is she gonna kiss him on his collar? His penis? No, just his cheek. It’s coming off real soon, and that’s a promise. These girls will not allow that to stand.

Selma: Hi. I like you. Selma pulls out a handkerchief from her tits and wipes off the smooch mark. Wow. I like.

Leslie H: A “poker dealer.” Is that code for “prostitute”? Maybe not.

Daniela: She has very serious JBF hair. JBF =  Just Been Fucked. Not kidding, she may have just banged the limo driver in the woods. Her and Sean make a new “secret” handshake. It’s overly long and complicated, but also very elementary and stupid. He forgot it immediately. Along with her name.

Kelly: 28, cruise ship entertainer. Is that code for prostitute? She’s SO ORANGE. You would think if you worked on a cruise ship for a living you would have a little more natural tan. She wrote him a song and sang it to him. Oh my God it’s so horrible. I’m gonna say right now that he has literally zero chance.

Katie: Yoga teacher, CHARLOTTE, NC. I put on for my city so she’s my favorite so far. She’s a yoga instructor, so she’s showing off her vast knowledge by teaching him how to hold his hands together in front of his chest. OK, THIS IS MAJOR CONCERN: SHE WAS BAREFOOT ALL NIGHT! That’s just gross. No longer my favorite. It was a good run, I guess. Hippies are not that cool. But Charlotte is that cool. IDK JK LOLZ!

Ashley: Oh God, here’s the ’50 Shades of Grey’ girl. She pulls out a tie from her tits. He has no fucking idea what’s going on. She definitely wants to get cast on Bachelor Pad after this and then fuck everything that moves. Preferably after tying it up in the Red Room of Pain and putting a ball gag in its mouth.

Taryn: health club director. She’s cute. Some chemistry here. He likes. She forgets to say her name, but I think she’s fine.

Catherine: Seattle. ” you’re such a hunk.” Nothing else interesting.

Robyn: engineer/sticky notes/at-home-yoga. She’s doing backflips? HAHAHA SHE FELL. How embarrassing. She wasn’t even wearing high heels. Did he just see her vagina?

Lacey: grad student, LA. People call her Lace? That’s real slutty. She looks real slutty. Her hair is this awkward and horrible shade of yellow that looks like-I don’t even know what. Peanut gallery says it looks like butter on movie theater popcorn, but on the side of the popcorn with too much butter. Yeah, I can see that.

Paige: Jumbotron operator. She was on bachelor pad as the “fan” representative. She is gonna be cut SO fast. She’s kind of cute, though. She was definitely way more pale before. Maybe she sat too close to that orange cruise ship girl in the limo.

Tierra: from Denver. She’s crazy. “I wanted to show you that I have a heart on my finger. It’s open, and I want you to complete it.” It’s a tattoo, and it’s SO funny. He says wait right here. Sean runs over to his bro Harrison and says he wants to “bend the rules”. “She made a big impression on me, I’d like to give her a rose right now”. This means he really wants to fuck her RIGHT NOW. She is about to fucking go ballistic and start having convulsions. Really? That fucking finger-tat got her a rose? These bitches are about to HATE her. Yep, she walks in and ALL of these bitches are freaking out. She is definitely screwed for the ENTIRE season. She might get smothered tonight and not see tomorrow. She’s gonna get real drunk to celebrate. Just like me.

One bottle down. Picked up the pace. Leggoooooo.

Amanda: “Fit model.” I want that job. She’s cute. I like her.

Keriann: her hair looks crappy. She says she drove 2775 miles just to be here! Girl you obviously could have flown. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the show, but The Bachelor has helicopters and private jets all over the world. Like, an endless fleet of them.

Desiree: I think she’s cute. People call her Dez. She brought some pennies to make wishes in the fountain. Better than pulling a tie out of your tits and saying you want to tie the poor guy up and abuse him. Calling final four right now.

Sarah: She’s the girl with one arm. It’s hard, kind of awkward. She seems sweet, though.

Brooke: Haha, she is a black temptress. She’s rocking this bright red hair, working it real hard. She might be hypnotizing him right now. I’m very impressed.

Diana: Girl with 2 kids that I don’t like. Nothing interesting.

Lesley M: She brought a football, and he’s making him bend over and snap it to her. It’s a long count. Just admiring the view.

Kristy: the Ford model? She’s very orange and her teeth are very white.

Ashley: Black girl, just killing it in this prom dress. The Bachelor color barrier has yet to be broken, but always worth a try. So many Ashleys.

Lauren: Journalist, 27. Owns an Italian restaurant. “I would love to take you home, feed you, meet my family.” Hopefully in that order. “Dad says if you break my heart, he’ll break your legs.” Great. Way to go. “Just kidding!” Right. What a horrible lapse in judgment. Hope you thought that joke was funny, because it just got you cut. Legs are important.

Lindsay: Substitute teacher. Oh God, she’s in a wedding dress. So awkward that she has to wear that for the rest of the night. Wow, sneaks a kiss on the lips. She’s legit crazy. I would tell her to get back in that fucking limousine.

OH SHIT HERE’S THE LAST SECRET PERSON WHO WANTED TO MEET HIM!!!

It’s: KACIE B! Hayyy is she a contestant? She looks good! How do they know each other? “I know I don’t deserve a second chance, and I want to see if there’s a possibility?” How the fuck? How do they know each other? Second chance? They must have gotten drunk and banged it out at one of these Bachelor alumni weekends in Tijuana.

These bitches are less than thrilled that Kacie shows up. I really like her, though. Always did.

“So, like, you’re here for Sean???” Obviously, you sluts. I wonder if the producers just pick someone who’s had some minor success on this show and throw her back on TV again. Just to stir shit up.

Sean and Kacie go sit and chat. Yeah, she definitely was smart to come. “It wasn’t long ago that we hung out” Ok yeah, they’ve definitely banged before. There are no rules on this show. I would protest this if I was a girl.

Wow, Desiree gets a rose! Already? I like her. Kacie B is pissed. Kacie says “something’s different tonight…” Yeah, you’re on TV and there’s roses and limos and Chris Harrison and way more Chardonnay.

Everybody hates Desiree now. They ask about the rules (see!) because apparently Sean is just doing whatever the fuck he wants, and these bitches are pissed about it. Wow, he gave one to the organizer! AshLee. Sean is really fucking shit up. He don’t give a shit about no rules. Tierra still thinks she’s cooler than them because she only had to say one sentence to get a rose. Chill out bitch.

Selma gets a rose. I liked her, but she doesn’t look as good from the front angle. Although her tits do look fantastic. Smart for her to show off the girls tonight.

Linday, girl in the wedding dress, is suddenly feeling insecure because–she wore a wedding dress. Yeah, sweetheart, that’s pretty awkward. Did you run that plan by anybody before you did it? Who sold that to you? They should make you prove you’re getting married before you’re allowed to buy a wedding dress. Yyou ladies gotta look out for each other, now. She says in an aside: “honestly, I wish I was more sober right now.” Haha she’s so hammered. Trying to drunkenly slow dance with him. “Are you gonna sing to me?” “Gimme a kiss.” This is such an unmitigated disaster. He says “I have a few more girls to talk to” which means you DO NOT get a rose. Damn. That chardonnay will get ya! I’m honestly surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

50 shades girl – Ashley.  “Do we need me to start dancing?” Yeah, she’s shitfaced too. Apparently she thinks this is a great time to show off her stripper moves. Here on national television. I think she really just wants to fuck something, and her cat at home is not satisfying her. Sean is talking with Paige on the interview couch, and this girl is just shaking her ass trying to get him to look at her. These producers are smart. He calls a timeout with Paige. Ashley saunters over and pulls the tie out of her tits again. Why does she think this will be successful? Ha, she is so done. Sean calls her “50 shades of drunk” and then she falls on the floor.

Gives a rose to Robyn, the engineer who fell (TEWF). Also gives a rose to Sarah, the girl with one arm. One fucking million points in my book. First class. Really happy about that.

Now for the actual rose ceremony. What are there, like 3 roses left? This is such a mess.

Amanda, Lesley M, Kacie, Kristy, Daniela, Taryn, and last but not least, the shitfaced wedding dress girl, Lindsay.

Pretty solid first episode. Always an interesting dynamic. Also, I finished my two bottles of wine. Looks like this season will be fun.

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I’m Back!

After a brief retirement, during which I took some personal time to find myself, etc., I’m back to try and entertain you (and myself) by watching reality TV, drinking a lot of wine, and then writing about it on the internet.

Stay tuned.

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Season Finale

Season Finale

So here we are. After like 20 hours of my time down the drain, here we are at what Harrison’s calling the “most anticipated television event of the summer”. Bold, Chris. Bold. I’m going back to the old ways and drinking two bottles of wine while I write this.

Back in Curaçao? Must be some serious ad dollars from the local tourism board.

Oh, she brought Ricki to this one. She’s meeting the guys.

Jef rolls up rocking a white pocket-t and some converses. Don’t know if I would have gone with that for the first parent meeting. Jef bringing flowers, nice. If he’s really good (and I think he is), the flowers are for the mom. Yep, flowers for mom and sister. Jef is good.

Her mom is scary and has a raspy old voice. But she was definitely hot back in the day, though. Looks like she’s had some botox. Her eyebrows are making different expressions.

Jef talks to her mom, and he has just flawless game. He’s my hero. I sort of blacked out.

They have a beautiful spread of food at this Caribbean villa.  Guarantee nobody’s going to eat any of it. Her brother Ernie is eating. He’s obviously a rookie. He also looks REALLY dumb.

Now Jef talks to brother Ernie. He obviously kills it. They bro-hugged. He won.

Now to sit down with his dad. High pressure situation here. Haha her dad is so country. Unsurprisingly, Jef dominates.

Arie’s turn to meet the parents. Fuck him. Team Jef.

HAHAHA YESSS HE’S TANKING. “I heard when it’s overcast is the best time to fish.” You suck, Arie.

Ok he made a pretty good move. Has a box where he kept all the roses. This plays well with mom. One point for you, douchebag.

Brother Ernie sounds SO dumb. “After I met Arie, I’m confused” Yeah I bet you’re confused a lot.

Arie makes a bold, but strong play by asking her father for Emily’s hand in marriage. Though I was really pulling for “Dave” to say “fuck you Arie you are a washed up incycar pussy”, he says yes instead.

Jump cut to them making out and of course Arie’s hands are all over her face. He needs to be handcuffed while he makes out.

A lot of other random stuff has happened, not really worth mentioning.

Jef’s last date. He is going to absolutely crush this. He’s been saving it all up for now.

My goodness, he has absolutely mistake-free game. Not trying to blow it out of the water yet, just taking the base hit. He’s really good. He’s great. If he doesn’t win, he’ll do fine for himself. Arie is a bitch.

Wow. Jef’s going to meet Ricki. She plays it like he’s getting some special privilege by seeing Ricki. Arie will probably get to meet her too, but he’s pumped. Jef’s going to dominate this. Guarantee he’s better with Ricki.

Jef does pretty well. He puts on some pink goggles. Lets Ricki push him in the pool. She seems to have a good time. As much as I thought this was Arie’s to lose, I think Jef is making a serious move. Not going to ballgame it yet, but he’s making a real strong case for himself. He deserves to win. No doubt about it. Arie is a douche. Sorry for the anti-Arie comments, I’m like 1.5 bottles of wine in.

Now for Jef’s night date or whatever. They get them a little villa/apartment thing. Jef is going to crush this. Guaranteed.  Ricki said, “Mommy, can he come back tomorrow?” Tempted to ballgame it now.

There is delicious looking desert on the table. They are obviously not eating it.

He got her a book about curacao, and drew stick figures of them on like all of the pages. That’s pretty solid.

Will call him out on a minor mis-step, though. “I want to hold her hand till I’m like 110”. He already said that. Caught. You lost a few points there, buddy. Sorry, I just hold you to really high standards of spitting game.

So she has this conversation with Harrison, and apparently she’s made up her mind on Jef? I’m pumped. She hasn’t even gone on her date with Arie yet. She’s very sure that it’s Jef. This is awesome. Jef is the best. His game is perfect.  Jef is a fucking champ. He is a winner. Arie is a fucking BITCH. {Editor’s Note: This wine made me get really bitchy, huh?}

Haha Arie meets up with a fucking witchdoctor or something, and this woman is helping him make a love potion. Roommate thinks they’re going to make rufies. Arie thinks he’s going to win. He has no idea.

Oh man. She walks in and she’s just telegraphing this. She’s crying already. THIS IS FUCKING BRUTAL. Oh. My. God. Just kill him now. This is horrible. They sit down. She starts crying. Oh man. This is a brutal convo. Arie is about to cry. Damn. Even throwing Jef’s name around. This is ABSOLUTELY BRUTAL. He tries to walk out. I would do the same thing. He’s actually being very realistic about this. A normal dude would just walk out. Thanks for the memories.

So Arie jumps in the suburban. Now for all the cameras in his face. This is actually very realistic. He’s not talking to the cameras. He’s just shocked. Poor guy. I actually feel bad for him now. Brutal.

HAHAHA They bring Neil Lane for Jef to pick out a ring. Six choices. He will obviously pick the biggest one that’s free. He picks a fucking giant one.

They get dressed for their proposal ceremony. Jef goes for the blue suit, brown shoes and belt, black tie.

“I think God puts the right people in our lives when the timing is just right, and I feel like the timing is just right. I found my everything. if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, you will never feel lonely ever again. What I’m about to ask you, aren’t just empty words…”

AND THERE HE GOES! JEF HOLM TAKES A KNEE!

“Emily, Will you marry me?”

He is my fucking hero. That was so awesome. She says yes, duh.

Not blogging the “after the final rose.” Just don’t care.

THE END. I’M RETIRED.

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MEN TELL ALL!

Men Tell All!!!

No dudes in the audience? WTF bros, where you at? Chris Harrison might be the only penis in this studio. There are like a hundred candles on this set too. This is definitely a woman’s show. What am I doing.

Let’s start with some outtakes. She spills wine on some dress and starts dropping F-bombs. I like her. Remember the dude that brought the egg? He made her tuck the egg into bed and sing twinkle twinkle little star to it. This might be the dumbest thing anyone’s ever done on television. Or on Earth.

Now the preview for Bachelor Pad. I’ve heard of this, but don’t know what it is. Looks like you get 250k if you win.

Wow Chris is on it! And the girl Rachel from last season who lives in NYC. Seen her a few times out at the bar. She looks better on TV. Also Blakeley the stripper from Rutherfordton is on. And Lindzi from last season? Kalon too. Kalon talking about how 250k is can’t buy a helicopter. What??? They let regular mortal fans on this show!!! Nobody told me about this! Fuckkkk I definitely would have gone. I could have talked an EPIC amount of shit to everyone. Looks like everyone is making out with everyone. I wonder if they still they’re they’re on the bachelor(ette). OMG LINDZI FROM LAST SEASON AND KALON FROM THIS SEASON. HOW. IS NOTHING SACRED, ABC? Looks like Rachel is going to get proposed to? Chris from this season is apparently hooking up with like 3 different girls? I am SO watching this. July 23rd? Christ, my life is turning into a never ending stream of this shit.

Now back to the real show. They introduce all the bros. Kalon gets booed. Sean gets raucous cheers. Wolf is wearing pink pants and a blazer, so fresh.

Chris starts immediately bitching about how he’s young and everyone thinks he’s immature. He’s offended. Nobody takes his side. Now they’re talking shit to Ryan. WTF is going on? This has no structure. It’s “everybody talk shit about everybody. Go.”

Kalon says he’s great friends with Chris and Tony. They don’t really acknowledge. That’s just because they’re both probably filming Bachelor Pad right now. ABC wants me to think Kalon’s only friends are Daddy Warbucks and Scrooge McDuck.

Kalon’s turn in the chair. Roll all of his worst clips and show his face as picture-in-picture.

Ohhhh so apparently when you sign up you don’t know who the bachelorette is, but you find out before the first event. This is kind of unfair, he says he obviously didn’t want a stepchild. Not to defend him, but, you know…that’s kind of a different proposition. He probably didn’t sign up for that.

In a very scripted bit, one of the bros yells “Oh come onnnn!!! This is ridiculous!” and says Kalon wasn’t there for Emily and was only there for the cameras. Well, it fucking worked because he got invited onto another ABC show and you fucking didn’t, bro.

Sean says like 5 words and the crowd goes wild.

Ryan’s next. New haircut for him, almost a Bieber-like transition. Interesting. Chris seems like he really hates Ryan. Hell, he hates everyone. He’s just making faces the whole time while Ryan is talking. Chris is a huge douche. He gets so defensive all the time.

Chris Harrison asks Ryan: “Is there a chance that you might be an arrogant ass?” “No, not a chance.” That’s just what an arrogant ass would say… Harrison says he will speak for ABC here: Ryan isn’t the next bachelor. I’d put actual, physical money on Sean being next.

Chris’ turn in the chair.

The way he got cut is brutal. She says “my other relationships moved faster” to which he says “how could I have moved any faster? I told you I loved you!” He has a great point. He was like the first one to say that. Harrison asks Chris “Are you a person who angers quickly?” Yeah no shit. I’ve been watching so far, thanks Harrison. He gets mad whenever someone says his name. Or anyone else’s name.

Chris says “I am looking forward to falling in love with that right girl” – the crowd applauds. These audience women are dumb.

Sean’s turn in the chair.

Literally every time he says “Sean” the crowd applauds. All these women just want him to take his shirt off. And basically on cue, they show the scene in the park where he takes his shirt off and they do , in fact, applaud.

Lot of nondescript and very serious talk, nothing funny.

Emily’s turn, and holy shit she looks FANTASTIC. She says hey to “all of y’all” and Sean. Chris looks super pissed he didn’t get a shout out.

Kalon apologizes for what he said about Ricki being baggage, Emily says he’s full of shit. Wow! She brings up his Facebook or something! Is that allowed?!? She mentions a picture he posted of a baggage claim, and the tag is  “thought for sure I’d see Emily Maynard here!” Then, after there was a lot of backlash, he said “Sorry I’m not sorry”. Holy shit, she’s bringing up his Twitter. She is a stone cold killer. Good for her. She says she hopes he find something better in life than his Prada shoes and his rental helicopter. HEAR THAT BITCH! RENTAL! She owned him.

She starts talking to Ryan about how he was such a sweet talker and she fell for it. Ryan says, “Believe me, I will be sweet talking my wife every day of my life. Chasin’ her around the kitchen. With a spoon!” I didn’t make that up, I swear.

Now the “MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!”. Evidently that moment was the bloopers.

Harrison asks Emily, so how may of the guys do you think you’ll sleep with? “Hopefully all 25”. Nice. I think we’d get along.

Holy shit, Jef has some new lines. “I want to hold her hand ’til I’m like 110” “We’re going to have a love that makes the storybooks jealous” Holy shit. Holy shit. He is so talented. Holy shit.

Well, that does it for the recap. Emily is hot. Kalon is an asshole. Ryan is dumb. Chris is bitter. Sean is America.

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Episode Whatever – FANTASY SEX SUITES!!!

Curacao looks sick. What the fuck else is new. They went to a beautiful and exotic island that I’m not going to ever go to and run around and get drunk and play on the beach.

Sean gets to go first. She says that he’s the only one who hasn’t “told her how he feels”. This means he hasn’t dropped an L-bomb. This is a serious strategic error that he needs to correct ASAP.

YESSSS. Getting in a helicopter. About time we got some rotary wing aircraft up in this bitch. They go to a private island. It looks like a nasty heap of dirt, but whatever, it’s “private”.

They sit on the beach and he decides to talk about his ex-grilfriend. This a mistake. He says he loved her. Now he says he loved her but wasn’t in love with her. Emily is not amused. He says he broke up with her because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her. She’s like, “uh-huh”. He’s floundering. He’s got to say “LOVE” soon. Nope, he’s a bitch. He changes the subject.

They decide to walk into the water and go snorkeling. Wooooo she has a smoking little bod.

Now they’re gonna sit and not eat their dinner while they drink some wine. Uh oh, he wrote Ricki a letter. This is make or break for Sean right now. He’s going to be directly compared to Jef’s super suave letter. Let’s see what you got bro.

Ehh. The thought was nice. Flow was not great, he didn’t really develop the story that well. Wasn’t an A+ paper like Jef wrote. Maybe a B/B-. He also is not an incredibly strong reader. Homeboy needs to drop the L-bomb SOON.

Fuck, he had a perfect segue. “Love is just like being engaged…” he still won’t go for it. I think he has a little dick. Ohhh, wait a minute. Don’t give up on the boy! He stumbles into an “I have fallen in love with you”. Needed more authority out of that. I give it a 6/10.

YESSSS!!! A LETTER FROM CHRIS HARRISON. THIS MEANS ONLY ONE THING. “Should you forego the option to stay in your separate rooms, you can spend the night together in the fantasy suite”. Again, this is a fantastic pick-up line that my friends and I will be using very soon.

Sean says he can’t wait to stay up and talk with her all night. I think he overplayed that one a little bit. Nice idea, but probably not necessary. It’s obvious you’re just going to fuck each other’s brains out and see how it goes.

They immediately start to get drunk in the hot tub. I’m excited to see her in a bathing suit 2 more times tonight.

She says “every fiber in my body wants to say ‘stay the night'”. She’s having an internal dilemma whether or not it’s slutty to bang this guy. Note: for dudes on this show, it’s important to be first in line in this sex train. You don’t want to go third.

They show him leaving at night? WTF she’s not letting him stay!?! I bet they just fucked quick and she sent him home. Haha, yes they are both giggling like idiots when he leaves. Definitely banged it out. Sean leaves and says he knows he’s going to end up marrying that girl. Sad for him cause Arie and Jef are moving on to the finale and not him.

Jef’s turn. His hair is still so confusing to me. How does it stay like that?

What are they going to do today? Helicopter??? HELICOPTER??? Nope, they give him an old ass sailboat. It’s windy as fuck. His hair is doomed. They sit him facing so the wind blows his hair straight into place. They have a really delicious looking fruit tray that they aren’t eating. These people are horrible.

Now for the dinner part. She says, “Do i expect you to move to Charlotte? Absolutely not. Would I like to live in Salt Lake City? I’ve never been there…” She’s pretty dumb.

Jef continues to spit pretty solid game. Very little hesitation, lots of really good lines. Says some kind of gay stuff, but she’s absolutely eating it up.

Here comes the sex card with the key to the fantasy sex suite. Haha he says “I think it would be awesome to forego our individual rooms” but “I plan on spending every night with you in our own fantasy suite”. I think that’s great work. I don’t know how the thought of that. He should be a politician, he’s so quick on his feet. He basically said the same thing she was going to say. He’s playing everything right. I would almost say he’s throwing a perfect game. Let’s just see if he can overcome the hot, nasty, badass speed that is Arie the Speed Racer.

Arie’s turn. On a boat. Going swimming with dolphins. Arie says “I know nothing about dolphins, i just know they’re friendly.” What the fuck else is there to know about them asshole? You don’t have to be a fucking marine biologist with this girl, she’s from West Virginia. A dolphin is swimming around them. How are they making it do this? I bet they’re covered in fish guts or something. She’s amazed that Arie isn’t scared of the domesticated dolphin. So manly of him.

Arie is so full of shit. He is like a second-rate version of Jef. He only wishes he has that kind of game. Whatever, they still just make out all over this fucking catamaran. His hands are going everywhere. Hips, back, behind the head. Handsy.

Sitting down and eating. The crickets are REALLY loud. Some sound technician is fucking up.

She just asked him what he does on a typical Tuesday morning. LIke, what does he do on a day-to-day basis? He doesn’t have a real job – he just hangs around Scottsdale, AZ, that’s the moral of this story. She said that she thinks “There would be nothing better for Ricki than to move to Scottsdale”. Um, what? It’s hot as fuck in Scottsdale. What the hell is there in Scottsdale?

WOW! She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card. Because “I don’t trust myself to go in there, but good lord he’s hot”. Aaaand she starts crying because she really wants to “sit with” Arie and “enjoy him.” Crying because she’s so horny but she thinks she’ll look like a slut if she goes to the fantasy suite. Women are dumb. So many blue balls in this episode.

Back at home base, she sits with Chris Harrison and talks about her feelings. I didn’t pay attention and watched the Home Run Derby instead. Now there are going to be some “private personal videos”. Jef is going to absolutely crush this shit. Sean’s is going to suck. Arie will try and make out with the camera and/or a producer.

The portrait photos are so funny. My roommates and I are going to put up our own so when women come to our apartment, they have to choose which one of us to fall in love with.

Sean’s video is kind of lacking. He drops a lot of L-bombs to make up for when he was too much of a pussy to do it in person.

Jef. He drops an absolutely amazing line. “When we were together on the top of the London Eye, I didn’t want to come down, and when we were on the floor in Prague, I didn’t ever want to get up” I mean, come on. That is so good. That should be in The Notebook or something. Though he does slip up and say he wants to watch 1000 sunsets with her (which is only like 3 years, but whatever). She tears up anyway.

Arie’s is pretty good too. Sean is so fucked.

She starts crying because she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Sean’s beautiful muscles and poor reading and writing skills.

Whatever this new outfit is, her boobs definitely got bigger. Is she pregnant? I bet it’s Chris Harrison’s baby. That would be some solid work by the producers. Maybe that’s why she didn’t want any of the dudes in her fantasy suite.

Jef gets the first rose. They made her hold on the rose and twirl it and look around for like 45 seconds. Now for the last rose omggggg. Arie gets it. Unsurprising. Sean seems sad. There’s no way he could have thought he was actually going to win.

So Sean loses. He’s really sad. I don’t like watching. I like the earlier episodes better when they were all talking shit to each other. Man crying is not enjoyable to watch.

So that’s the end. Jef and Arie, just like I thought. I am a professional. The next episode is the reunion, which hopefully will be pretty funny and will at least feature more shit-talking. Hooray.

 

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HOMETOWNS!!!!!!!!!!1111

Episode Whatever – Hometowns!!!

So I’m at the beach this week, and blogging remotely, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I’m very sunburned and also pretty drunk, so whatever.

OMAGAWWWD BACK IN CHARLOTTE. K i’ll try and hold off on the all caps for a bit. Hometowns this week.

She just said Arie has the “bad boy edge”. Let’s discuss. Ryan called him “dainty”. He wears skinny ties. Producers need to re-think the script a little.

Chris goes first. He’s first generation polish-american. His dad is from Poland. Not a good match with West Virginian. Some eat sausage, some eat raccoon. All speak in foreign language.

Chris says his family is going to be pumped to meet their “future daughter-in-law.” Bold statement for the first hometown date out of four. He probably thought he was last. Dumbass. Haha Chris’ dad is super polish. He has such a thick accent.

I’m watching this garbage upstairs at the beach house while everyone else is downstairs eating and drinking and enjoying their vacation. I have a disease.

His sister is hot. Definitely a 1. 1 on the binary scale, if you dinosaurs are sill on the 1-10 scale. i.e. 1 means yes, 0 means no. You get the idea. She’s hot.

Haha Chris’ mom is a hoverer. He’s definitely a mama’s boy. It’s kind of weird that he’s only like 2 years older than I am.

He has two sisters and they look very different. Renee, the one he said would be more difficult, is strangely also the least attractive of his sisters. Typical.

So now they’re outside. He’s trying to drop an L-bomb. Blah blah blah, easing into it. “I’ve never really said this” blah blah. “I’m in love with you” “I love you”. Weak game. Jef would have dominated that. Chris is an amateur.

He surprises her with a crazy traditional Polish celebration with lederhosen and shit. Like, polka and folk music. Homegirl is from West Virginia and was engaged to a NASCAR driver, I don’t know if this is a good match.

Now for Jef. St. George Utah. His family’s ranch, which is just outside the city. I assume Salt Lake City, because I don’t know if there are any other cities in Utah.

I get the sense that there is a sizable break between the rest of the show and the hometown portion. Like, I think they get a month off. Whatevs. Speculation on my part.

This is pretty cool. Riding around in a 4×4. Shooting a little skeet? The joke is too easy so I’m just going to leave it alone. Jef is really good. Ok, asshole, shoot some trap and we”ll see how cool you feel. Ok, these are so easy. It’s not even moving. Just right down the middle every time.

He just said his parents are in South Carolina doing charity work so they can’t make it. Weren’t they just in NORTH Carolina a few weeks ago? Obviously the travel budget on this show is very liberal, so I think it’s weird that they weren’t invited. Were they too busy doing charity work for rednecks? Teaching them how to properly scratch off lotto tickets?

Now for sister interviews. Jef’s sisters are not as hot as that one Chris had. I doubt that a lot of bloggers are paying attention to this, but whatever. Chris is winning in at least one category.

There are little kids running around everywhere. Good planning by Jef.

They cut to the bro-talk. Talking about family and kids, his brother says “I’ve never seen you want these things…yet” They cut out the “yet” in the previews. Then they show the actual clip and play happy guitar chord music.

Then it’s Jef and Emily alone time. He wrote down some things on the plane home from Prague.

I don’t even know how to describe what just happened. I have raved about this man’s game for a long time, but what he just read was absolutely fantastic. I mean, I feel like he just said exactly what I would want to say if I was in that situation. There were parts about them, there were parts about Ricki, there were parts about other stuff that I don’t even remember. It was just so fantastic. If they had the rose ceremony right after that, he would win. Remember when Ryan read that letter while that dude was waiting in the back? Yeah this made that sound like hooked on phonics. Jef and I have a lot in common.

Now Arie’s turn. Scottsdale, AZ.

He’s obviously going to drive homegirl around the racetrack. Of course when she pulls up he is busy getting some laps in. She’s rocking a little black dress and some heels. He climbs out of his cart in his fire suit and they make out.

She goes to change, and they frame some stupid shot of her walking in a straight line in a tank top and a fire suit rolled down to her waist. Arie turns around and give his “wow, you’re hot!” face. It’s so staged I don’t even care.

“It’s a dream come true to share this part of my life with Emily” and great “that she embraces my career” – Your career is kind of suffering bro. Wikipedia says he’s never won a race.

He tells her that his parents are very European and weird. Whatever. They drink wine and make out.

So back to Arie’s pad. Most of his family looks fine but his sister. GROSS. Woof. Sorry, I’m kind of drunk. His mom is pretty hot. WTF happened, sister?

Parents are talking in Dutch. Now Arie talking in Dutch. This is incredibly rude. She’s like, yeahhh WTF europeans. Arie cuts it off because apparently he’s such a sweet guy.

OOHHHHH when she was talking about mistakes she was talking about the last time she was on an ABC reality show and picked a dude to marry. I should have known that, and I apologize.

Now she asks his mom about what it’s like to be married to a race car driver. With the travel, etc. Unfortunately, Arie is not a talented driver and will not likely be traveling much.

ARIE IS SO FUCKING HANDSY WITH HIS MAKEOUT STYLE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

“I’m ready to ask her hand in marriage. I’m ready to propose. I’m definitely going to marry Emily. I don’t see it any other way.” Well, give him credit for going all-in. I think I know how he feels.

Now Sean’s turn. Going last would be a huge advantage if he was actually last.

He shows up with two dogs in a v-neck and some toms. I don’t think people really wear that shit in Texas. In a bizarre twist, they sit down on a blanket and drink some wine. Filming these assholes make out is pretty rough. It’s not good. They’re a lot better in the movies.

Now to his house in suburban Dallas. He’s wearing designer jeans and converse all-stars. There’s no way this guy dresses himself at this point. He played linebacker at Kansas State .There’s literally no way.

So he introduces her to his niece’s playhouse, and that bitch is roughly the size of my room in NYC. SHIT IS NICE.

WHOAAAAAA SEAN JUST SAID HE STILL LIVES AT HOME. She says “I wanna move in here too!” Smooth. Holy shit. Dude lives at home. He still has a room. He has stuffed animals with names. “whiskers, buddy, moo-moo, froggy”. Holy shit. Sorry bro, but you’re cut. This shit is SO over.

Oh, it was a joke. He doesn’t live at home. Wow. This show keeps fucking with my shit.

Sean’s dad just dropped an interesting comment. She said that she’s gotten more out of Sean in “3 or 4 weeks” than they’ve gotten out of him in 28 years. Is this process really only a month long? Sean’s mom just said that the final episode is 3 weeks. I’ve learned more from the past 5 minutes than I’ve learned in 6 months of watching ABC reality shows.

She drives away. He runs after the car. He wants one more kiss. This shit is ridiculous. It’s so obvious they made him do that.

Lots of silly talking with Chris Harrison. My money says Chris gets cut. If not him, Sean. Jef and Arie are the final two, I’ll go ahead and guarantee it. If I’m wrong, I’ll donate all blog revenue to the charity of my choice. Which is my bank account.

Rose ceremony. 3 roses. One bro going home. Back to where he just was. Says this will be the hardest rose ceremony yet. Yes, as dictated by law of numbers.

Arie and Jef get first roses, proving how smart I am about The Bachelorette. Sean gets the last rose. Chris is cut. Probably due to his antics last week. That shit was weird and creepy.

Chris is “shocked” and wants an explanation. This dude is weird. He’s a sore loser. His tie looks like it came from a high school prom tuxedo. He says he’s 10x the man that all the other dudes are. Evidently you are not.

Next week, we’re going to some tropical island. Some more helicopters, finally. This is all I really wanted in the first place.

 

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Episode 7 – Arie’s Lies, Chris Cries, and Jef is Bi(curious)

Episode 7 – Prague

Emily mentions that she didn’t send anyone home last week cause she wants to be sure about it. Guess she forgot about the 2 that she sent home.

Hometowns next week! 6 bros left. 4 Dates. 3 1-on-1s, but with no roses. 1 rose on the group date. See, this is why I can never get a solid handle on the rules. They are always changing and there is no ABC website that tells me what the most recent iteration is.

Arie gets the first card. “Let’s czech out prague together”. They have to show the card so that we get the joke. I bet half of the viewers still didn’t get it.

She and Arie just walk around prague and kiss each other for most of the time. She talks about how Arie has a secret that he’s hiding from her. I heard about this and got too excited and peeked before hand. He dated a producer or something.

Oh perfect, Chris Harris is going to break it down for us in a nice little aside speech. Cassie Lambert is the producer’s name. Arie apparently had a “very brief” relationship with her. I wish they would define “very brief”. I’m going to assume one night.

They arrange a secret interview with Emily and Cassie. It’s just constant girl whining. I’m immune to this kind of thing so I didn’t catch much of it. So what – Arie banged a producer, big deal.

So now she’s setting his poor ass up with some classic womanly leading questions. “Have you been open with me?” “Do you think you’re trustworthy?” She’s tricking him into monologuing about honestly. She thinks it’s important to be “open about everything and not having any secrets”. He says he’s going to be honest: he had a tattoo. Serious stink-eye after that one. She’s pissed about this.

Back to another Harris monologue. Evidently, they all talked it out. Arie though it was so short and so long ago that it didn’t matter. Emily agrees. Then they film them talking about it. Everyone is apologizing to everyone. Now they kiss. Whenever guys lie to their girlfriends on other TV shows it never works out this easily.

Back at the bro-suite, John “Wolf” thinks aloud that if the doesn’t get a 1-on-1 date, then he doesn’t like his chances. Knock on the door and and he gets a 1-on-1 date. Can’t make this shit up. Unless you work as a producer for ABC and you just made that shit up.

Back at Arie’s date, he drops the L-bomb. The L-bomb is the word “Love” for all you people who don’t consider it a form of ammunition. She does not return fire, but they make out.

Arie has a very handy make out style. Really gets his hands involved all over the place. On the shoulder, behind the head, this one slow stroke of the face which I thought was super creepy. She’s happy because she doesn’t think Arie “throws that word around”. Maybe ask Cassie Lambert about that.

John “Wolf” gets his very first 1-on-1. They go to this thing called the John Lennon Wall, it has a bunch of graffiti on it. Emily says people used to do something here “during communism.” Communism still exists, dear.

Now they come to some sort of fence with locks all over it. Lovers write locks on them and lock it on the fence to symbolize their love for each other. Their lock doesn’t close. This reminds me of Emily’s relationship because they haven’t been able to connect. The thing I like about this show they really make the metaphors easy for me. Oh, they just had to leave the key in while they closed it. Emily clearly didn’t read directions. Maybe reading directions should be a bigger part of your relationship.

Back at the suite, bros are sitting and talking about Emily. Do they let these guys watch TV? They just sit around and talk about Emily ALL DAY. Chris gets bored of sitting around and talking about Emily, and then goes and looks pensively out the window. While thinking about Emily.

Wolf and Emily are going to dinner in a castle. He has to eat dinner in a dark and dungeon-like environment again, just like the 2-on-1. He tells a story about how he got cheated on or dumped or something. He said vulnerable. Stop it.

They announce the team for the group date: Sean, Doug, and Chris. Chris badly wants to kill himself. John “Wolf” gets back and calmly says his date went pretty well. Chris now wants to kill everyone else as well. Sean decides that he has to see Emily tonight – right now.

Is he just wandering around Prague looking for her? This can’t be right. He’s running down random alleys and shit. I must be missing something. So either he doesn’t know where she is and he thinks it’s a good idea to just to look for her, or he knows where she is and the producers are making him look lost. There’s no way they just let her loose in the Czech Republic at night. Eastern Europe is slightly more dangerous than suburban Charlotte.

WTF she was just standing in some random fucking alleyway. This is so dumb. “This is a nice surprise!” she says. There’s no way this was a surprise. When little blonde girls get surprised in an alley in Prague by a really jacked dude at night, it’s not usually “nice surprise”.

They go have a drink at some restaurant and he basically makes his own 1-on-1. Then they go outside and make out up against a wall.

So now for the tri-bro group date. Carriage to a castle. This shit looks like fucking Hogwarts. Towers and big iron doors and shit. 10 points to Gryffindor!

Emily walks around with Doug. Obviously they talk about his kid some more. He’s super awkward. He’s like, apologizing for touching her. Too late in the game for this, bro. Don’t think he realizes he’s supposed to propose to her in like 3 weeks.

She pulls him aside and tells him she doesn’t see any indication from his end that he actually likes her. In other words, make some sort of move. It cuts away to him saying, I wish she would have given me the “give me a kiss eyes”. Um, apparently her eyes are always in that mode based on her behavior with these other guys. She’s giving him a speech. About how he hasn’t been going fast enough, or showing her that he likes her. Wow, I think she’s cutting him. He takes the chance to kiss her. She says “thank you…for that”. That was horribly awkward. He says “did I do something wrong?” This guy is just too nice. He says he thought Emily wanted somebody who just wanted to “get to know her – the real her”. I’d say Arie has “gotten to know” her a lot. On boats, against walls, in her bed, etc.

Doug is crying in the black Bachelorette rejection van. She really just sends people home whenever she wants. I guess not a huge fan of the rose ceremony format. Again, not helping me get comfortable with the rules.

So they cut to her on a sort of 2-on-1 cocktail thing somewhere. Sean wins some sort of “pick the right key” game. His prize is to go into another dungeon and sit on another piece of furniture and make out some more.

Back at the suite, Jef gets his date card. The bros talk about how they don’t want Chris to get the rose because then he will be obnoxious. But then if he does get the rose he’ll be obnoxious.

Back to the castle, Chris is telling her that he’s upset with her because he hasn’t gotten a date in a long time. She’s says sorry.

Now to give the rose to one of the two bros. Obviously Sean. Chris is going to burn down the entire city of Prague.

So for Jef’s date, he and Emily go to some puppet store. Pretty standard. They each get a creepy little Jigsaw puppet of themselves. But what’s this? Jef has something up his sleeve. He goes in and gets a little girl puppet to add to their little puppet family. SO STRONG. Jef has absolutely rock-solid game, and he has earned my respect. That was slick.

Then they take their puppets to this library and make them talk to each other for like 30 minutes. They are having a full-blown serious life conversation via these wooden marionettes. Then they make out. The real people, not the puppets.

Now they put down a blanket in the middle of this library so that they can be more comfortable when they make out. I don’t’ really know what they talk about because my roommates feel like it’s appropriate to have a STUPID FUCKING CONVERSATION ABOUT NOTHING WHILE I’M TRYING TO WATCH THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Now to the rose ceremony.

Emily wants to talk with Host Bro. She says she has her mind made up and doesn’t want to go through with the cocktail party. Cut to Chris, who is on the verge of tears. Host Bro comes in to tell the bros that there will be no cocktail party and they’re going straight to roses. Chris is near death. He goes outside and cries and walks around in circles. This show is so much better when it’s The Bachelor. Girls are way more entertaining. Dudes being overly emotional is not as fun, and is generally not as believable. I’d prefer that they just get drunk and scream at each other.

Where the fuck are they, btw? This looks like Beauty and the Beast. There’s going to be some dancing teapots and candlesticks and shit running around and singing show tunes pretty soon. There’s roses too. And a beautiful girl. And a man named “wolf”. I don’t really remember anything that happens in Beauty and the Beast other than the rose was a central plot point. Wasn’t really my favorite Disney movie when I was a kid. Lion King 4 Lyfe. Next week we will be taking the boys to exotic Pride Rock!

Emily steps up to the plate. Of roses. High stakes – this is for a hometown visit. Jef first. Arie next. Chris currently having a series of minor strokes. He looks like he’s going to vomit. He says he really needs to talk to her. So it’s going to be word vomit. Wolf is like, nah that’s cool bro I’ll just wait here. They are just letting Chris sit her down outside and have a quick 1-on-1 date. There are seriously no rules to this game. He says a bunch of nondescript love words.

Back to the room, and Chris gets the last rose. If I was Wolf I would say Chris cheated. I would tell Chris Harrison to go fuck himself. No dancing teapots for poor Wolf.

Tune in next week to see if Chris can survive any more minor inconveniences without crying!

 

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