Episode 6 – Croatia and Scotland and Ryan’s Finger Hairs

So Croatia looks fucking awesome. I can’t exactly point to it on a map, but it looks nice. Jef says that “croatia is the perfect place to fall in love” – sure, why not.

More shameless plugging for whatever resort this is. Emily meets them in their suite: it must be awkward for her to have to hug every bro one-by-one every time she walks into a room. Ryan is pumped that he got to put his arm around her when she sat down.

Travis gets the first date. They buy some stupid sculpture from a hobo on the street. His beard looks like…I don’t even want to say it. I think there are cookie crumbs in his beard.

They find this thing called “the balancing stone” – if you can balance on it and take your shirt off, you’ll be “lucky in love.” Travis quickly proves his lack of coordination, and can barely stand on the thing. Then he gets down and gives her a hug like he just won something. Dude, you’re supposed to take your shirt off.  Even if you can’t do it on the stone, you just take it off. She even tells the camera that she wanted to see what you’re working with. This show loves shirtless dudes.

Back at the suite. OH MY GOD RYAN’S WIFEBEATER. YOU ARE NOT 50 CENT. WHAT IS THAT, DOLCE & GABBANNA? DUDE. Apparently he said something douchey, but I was too distracted by whatever the fuck was going on on his torso. Later, Ryan gets the other 1-on-1.

Back at dinner with Travis. She picks up the rose, and gives him this nice speech about how he’s so nice and is always smiling. And that they have that great friendship foundation that is so important in a relationship. Oh no. Friend zoned. Wow, she tells him there’s no romantic connection and then doesn’t give him the rose. Wow. I mean, I agree and that’s pretty obvious, but ouch. He has to make his walk of shame in the rain. Did the producers make it rain? I bet one of those assholes is standing off camera with a hose. As he’s walking, he dramatically tosses the umbrella aside to just let the rain fall down like a million tears. Or one of those blatant metaphors. Smooth, producers.

Now for the other 6 bros to go on the group date. They’re going to a movie. IT’S DISNEY PIXAR’S BRAVE! BECAUSE DISNEY OWNS ABC! I WONDER IF THEY KNEW ABOUT THIS SURPRISING CONNECTION? Ok, this is like an extended trailer for this stupid movie.  When the main character girl shoots an arrow through another arrow on screen, Arie goes “so cool!”. Nice, Arie.

Oh boy! Just like in the movie, they’re going to have their very own highland games! And they have to wear kilts. In Croatia. Again, don’t know where Croatia is, but it is probably not in Scotland.

Aaaaand they have to ride donkeys on the way there. Apparently it’s customary in Croatia for men to ride donkeys into battle. I bet they lost every fucking battle they were ever a part of. I wonder if anyone thinks it’s strange that they’re wearing kilts and listening to bagpipes in Croatia. Doug notices this contradiction, but he gets over it pretty quick.

First event, archery. Everyone is pretty good except Chris who fails in dramatic fashion and looks like a fairy while he’s doing it.

Second event, they have to throw these big ass logs around. Chris volunteers to go first, and he fails horribly. He was literally disqualified. Arie goes next, and is barely qualified. Jef, of course, is womanly and disqualified. Sean goes and breaks the fucking log in two. Arie is arguing for Sean to get DQ’ed. Emily is off in the corner with her hand down her pants, moaning because Sean is so sexy.

Last event, basically some sort of 1-on-1 tug of war game. Chris goes first and picks Doug as his opponent, but apparently Chris forgot that Doug is massive. He should have taken on Jef because Jef loves Chloe handbags. Obviously Doug wins because he’s fucking huge. Then Sean beats Doug. Chris loses everything but he wins the “bravery” mug award. This is the pity award. I wonder if they’re going to tie this in to the movie again. Chris seems proud of himself. Dude, shut the fuck up, this is like that purple participation ribbon I always got on swim team for not drowning while doing the butterfly.

Now for the highland games afterparty, where Emily is wearing her new years eve dress. Black sequins. Yeah, I’ve been to a few new years parties. I know what a new years eve dress is. It’s “Brave” to wear a black sequined dress on a night other than December 31st. See that movie tie-in?

Alone time with Sean – they kiss a little bit.

Alone time with Arie – I want to vomit. Arie puts on a strong move though and makes out with her against a random wall in an alleyway.

Ryan talks about how he had a great day alone. And that he used to play pro football. He is awkwardly shaving his beard into intricate designs.

Alone time with Jef – small talk and then they make out. She’s going to make out with all these dudes in one night. I wonder if the last guy in line ever thinks about that.

Alone time with Chris – He says he would trade in the bravery mug for a rose. I would definitely try really hard to keep the mug. I mean if you had to pick one, I guess you have to take the rose, but that mug is one-of-a-kind.

She gets too excited by Chris’ continued failings today and runs over to immediately grab the rose and give it to him. Unfortunately all the other bros are huddled around the rose pounding liquor. She just scoots over there and says “I’m just not gonna make eye contact” and then grabs it and runs away. Arie says “every time I think I’m going to get a rose, I don’t” Cry me a fucking river, Arie. Quit being such a little bitch.

Ryan is about to go on his 1-on-1. Chris says “It takes the guy 3 hours to get ready. He shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff. It’s weird” Wow. Pretty sexy, huh ladies?

Ryan is bragging that he’s a very safe driver and doesn’t get in accidents. Put it on your fucking resume, that’s great. He’s getting honked at a lot.

They go oystering. She puts one in her mouth but doesn’t even swallow it. She spits it right out in the water. She probably would have swallowed if it was Arie. Hiyooooo.

Ryan drops the phrase “trophy wife” which is a definite no-no. You only say that to other men.

At dinner, she basically dogs him the whole time while he talks about nothing. She tells him she’s going to cut him. He is confused and doesn’t understand. He wore his turquoise shoes! Look how perfectly cropped my beard is! You are my trophy! Look how good looking I am, and I played pro football! He tells her “that is very shocking”. What the fuck is wrong with this dude. He is so into himself. He tells her she’s making the wrong choice. He thinks he’s the one that’s right for her and she doesn’t see it. Really, bro? I don’t know if you can talk your way out of this one. Wait, oh my God, he might actually do it. Quit looking at him, Emily! Quit listening!

Yes. She doesn’t give it to him. He’s still talking. Not giving up. Ok, she really isn’t giving it to him. He’s walking away.

Back at the suite, they come and take Ryan’s suitcase. The other bros are pumped. Ryan says “i wonder how shocked those guys will be to find i’m not coming back? I’ll miss those guys, we’ve built great friendships” – then cut to all the bros in the suite high fiving now that he’s gone. He goes on to say that he’s a winner, and that “I’ve been given many worldly gifts”. He just hopes the producers “Portray me exactly who I am and not an arrogant ass” He really wants to be the bachelor, and I’ve got to think it’s very unlikely at this point.

Back at Emily’s place, Arie decides that he needs to go comfort her from all the stress she’s been under and say how pumped he is that she kicked off Ryan. Initially, she’s like, what’s going on? Why the fuck are you here? He just wants to tell her how happy he is that she kicked off Ryan. Why is he allowed to do this? This seems unfair to the other bros. Oh wow, they’re actually laying in her bed. As soon as these cameras go off, they are about to bang it out. Honestly, it’s fucking brutal to watch these two speak to each other. Nicknames and baby talk are coming soon. Arie seems like he would just want to lay there and cuddle or whatever. They actually show her “walking him out”. If I were him, I’d make an effort to “walk back in” Arie says he would ask her to marry him tomorrow. Is that even allowed? Would she have to say no? I’ll put my research team on it.

So now for the cocktail party thing. 2 guys down already this week, 6 left. I’ve got to think John aka Wolf goes home here. He hasn’t gotten a lot of tv time. She actually explicitly mentioned that right after I typed it. I’m getting really good at this.

They sit down and he shows her his grandparents funeral cards, which he apparently nobody knows about. I guess they share a connection over that. Then they make out.

Now for some time with Doug. Doug is so different around Emily than he is around the dudes. I hate guys like that. Guys will never respect you if you go too soft when you’re around girls and then try and be mr. tough guy around the bros. I know it seems like what they want, but they also want to get married to a man, not her therapist. I mean, I guess therapists get married too, but you know what I mean.

Doug blew it I think. It’s too late in the game to keep around the friend zone dude. My money says Doug goes home. They show him crying about missing his son. Seeing all these man tears is really uncomfortable for me.

I wonder what Jef’s hair looks like when he doesn’t have any product in it. Front-mullet?

Sean, Jef, Arie get roses first. That’s obvious. Now down to Wolf and Doug.

Previews hinted that she’s not going to give this rose out. Going from 8 to 4 in one episode would be a HUGE week. She runs out to Chris Harrison. Tells him that she doesn’t want to give anyone the rose. Wow. She is an absolute KILLER.

OHHHH FUCK THAT. NO FUCKING WAY. SHE GOT ANOTHER ROSE FROM HARRISON. NO FUCKING WAY. THIS SHOW IS SUCH BULLSHIT UGHHHHHH.

Well, I got got. They even had her say “I just can’t hand out this final rose” or some shit like that. Un-fucking-believable. I mean, I never should have believed that she would cut both of them because then ABC loses out on, like, 2 episodes and probably several million dollars in ad revenue, but whatever.

Next week going to Prague. She makes out with all of them. Weeeeooooo!

 

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Episode 5 – London

Episode 5 – London

10 guys left at this point.

Sean gets the 1-on-1 date, his first. They are riding on their very own double-decker bus! He stands up and yells something dumb to the citizens of London.  He generally does a bunch of weak shit. Not really worth writing about. They show up somewhere called speaker’s corner and he says some stupid speech about love. It’s repetitive and has very poor flow. I don’t think he’s real bright. But whatever, he’s super jacked. They go for dinner in the Tower of London. She suddenly sounds really raspy. She mentions that this used to be a prison, and they sit down for some dinner. Enjoy your gruel! Then she says “Sean is totally my prisoner of love tonight” Ok, 50 Shades of Grey.

He says today was the best day he’s ever had in his life. I’m sad about that. Then she asks him point blank how many kids he wants. “3,4,6,8?” Is that what he said? This guy is full of shit. No man wants 8 kids. Any woman who has sired 8 children has GOT to be an ornery bitch. You would never be able to make any point, because “I birthed 8 of your children” is the ultimate trump card. You really only need like 3 kids, just enough to make sure you get at least one boy who has at least some chance of becoming a professional athlete.

They go for the make out. She’s tagged a bunch of these dudes already, she’s really skanking it up. “I really like my kisses with Sean. I think my kisses and my relationship with Sean are only going to get better.” Holy shit. It’s so obvious she has a six-year-old. I really like our kisses, who the fuck says that?

The more I watch this show, the more I realize this is a horrible way to get married.

Back at the colossal hotel suite, Kalon says something about how every date with Emily would be a “group” date because of Ricki. Other bros are offended. Like, seriously offended. I don’t think this was that insensitive. Just kind of an unfunny joke.

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet…” is what the date card says. Bros are confused and trying to figure out “what the hell does this mean!?!” It’s obviously Shakespeare, you dumb fucks. Guess they don’t have copies of Romeo & Juliet at Planet Fitness. Finally one guy figures it out, and then Wolf says “we’re just a bunch of macho dumbasses”. Own it Wolf, own it.

They go to Stratford-on-Avon, pretty cool. I’d like to go wander around there for a few hours. Why is her voice so hoarse? Probably because she caught mono or some shit from the 13 dudes she’s been making out with.

They have to perform Romeo & Juliet. Kalon and Ryan are Romeos. Kalon says “My performance today is extremely important” ad then he tells her that he “needs to practice his rehearsals” and for her to “run along”. Obviously this pisses her off and Kalon is an idiot who just wants to beat the other guys at something because he probably got 4th place at his youth figure skating regionals when he was a kid.

Ryan is pumped because he plays the Romeo that gets to kiss Emily, and Arie has to play the nurse. Arie tries to rehearse his lines, and doesn’t know what any of the old English words mean. All he knows is “I wanna go fast”. Arie says that performing in this play is “his worst nightmare”. I think I could handle this, but getting in a fiery indycar crash at 200+ mph would be a pretty big nightmare for me. Honestly though, I think playing the nurse is the best part in this play. Romeo is easy to fuck up, and the nurse is all upside.

Ryan on Arie – “I’m getting the kiss tonight and Arie’s gonna have to sit there in his lil’ woman dress”. Ryan is a dumbass.

Arie on Ryan – “if Shakespeare were alive to see Ryan, he would say ‘thou-est suck'”. Arie is a loser.

Now beers at the pub. Cocktail party, I guess these are called.

Arie gets her out back and is going for the double hand-hold. Cuddling under the blanket. Smooching. Soft-speaking. Just straight-up make out. I might have to ballgame this one for him. It’s a very unmanly style, but she seems to be going for it.

Ryan is wearing a fucking vest in this British pub. I can’t handle these guys with their little vests. Where do you buy this shit? Ryan gets his private time and closes the curtains. He gives her some jewelry. She is definitely not impressed.

Kalon is pissed that he doesn’t have a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who’s away from her child. I don’t really know why he would phrase it like that, but whatever.

Uh oh, word is that Kalon called Ricki “baggage”. Obviously someone is going to run and tell Emily ASAP. These guys are just like middle school girls.

Bros confront him about it. Wow, Kalon is actually defending this comment. He’s saying that “baggage” shouldn’t have a negative connotation. Maybe because he has Louis Vuitton luggage and he LOVES his baggage.

Doug told her. My goodness, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. “I wanna go West Virginia, hoodrat, backwoods on his ass” Nice. Honestly, I bet she could beat Kalon’s ass. Quickly, too.

She totally owns Kalon. He tells her that he did indeed say it, and she tells him to get the fuck out. She calls him a terrible person. Doug gets brave and tries to capitalize on this and go for some “comforting” and she denies him very quickly.

1-on-1 with Jef. Afternoon tea. This is basically a manners training session with an old english woman. Her name is Jean. Jef wishes Jean would just chill out and let him do his thing. I actually like him. He seems pretty normal, even if he is a little hip for my taste. They scoot on out of there and head to the pub. Jef orders two pints and fish and chips. Solid order, bro. Oh, whoops I thought that was just for him.

Jef just says “if Ricki’s baggage, then she’s a chloe handbag that I want forever” That’s pretty gay. I’m just assuming that a “chloe handbag” is pretty expensive and/or desirable. If you desire handbags.

What happens next is one of the best lines I’ve heard in a while. They’re eating dessert on the London Eye, and Emily says, “So when me and a 6 year old move to Salt Lake, it wouldn’t be like, “party’s over?” Jef, no hesitation, comes back with “No, the party’s just beginning.” Best line ever. I’m so impressed by that. He has absolutely rock-solid game. Also says, “I want to be best friends with you”. He is really talented. Just clean, mistake-free work. He should go for the make out. Well, he pretty awkwardly told her a little speech about how she wanted to kiss her. She says thank you. And then they kiss. Brass orchestra plays. She seems into it.

Back to the cocktail party w/ all the bros. Ryan is wearing a suit, a black v-neck tee, and a scarf. I have a personal vendetta against this guy’s wardrobe.

On to the rose ceremony. Let me reiterate that skinny ties are dumb. Sean’s tie is too wide. It looks like Men’s Warehouse.

Elimination comes down to Alejandro or Arie. Please. I will say that I retract what I previously said about him being a mushroom farmer. Google him. He had a TED talk. He graduated from Haas at Berkeley. Worked at Morgan Stanley. Also survived cancer. So, yeah.

Anyway, Jef, Arie, and Sean look really strong. Chris and Ryan are lurking. Doug is in the friend zone. All the others are just there for change of pace.

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Episode 4 – Bermuda!

Episode 4

So this time, there is the standard 1-on-1, a group date, and the rare, exotic 2-on-1 date! Bro explains that the loser of this date will be kicked off. A high stakes menage a trois. That’s french for “3-way.”

They’re going to Bermuda. Bros are high-fiving. I want to go. She’s aimlessly wandering in a random field, and says she can’t wait to be back here with her husband, when she’s pregnant and pushing a baby stroller. That basically means she wants to have children non-stop for the next two years. Haha then they show all these bros riding around on those mopeds like it’s fucking Days of Thunder. This is fairly accurate, because tourists always rent those stupid things in Carribean countries and nobody can ever drive them very well.

Shameless plug for the resort they’re staying at. They even have one of the dudes say it, like he’s actually heard of this stupid resort before.

Doug gets the 1-on-1.

Arie wants Doug to go home. He wants to get rid of the “football team” and get down to the “real stuff”, not the bromance. Shut up, Arie.

Doug is legit freaking out about this. Like, about to have a panic attack, he’s so nervous. All the guys are trying to make him feel better/make his head explode. Doug now hates everyone. Then Emily walks in and Doug jumps up to give her a bro-hug and tell her she looks pretty.

Arie calls Doug the Hulk, and comes up with: “Doug angry, Doug smash, Doug sad”. Arie’s kind of a little bitch in the safety and privacy of these confessionals.

She takes Doug shopping or something, and this guy is obviously super different when he’s around her. He seems to be going for that girl’s guy sort of thing. I guess some girls are into that, but it’s not a sustainable strategy. You gotta be cool with the bros too. Now he’s talking about how he started a charity, and appropriately she goes “of course you did”.

I like her. This is EXACTLY what I would have said. Except she kind of chickens out and says “I get more and more impressed by you every day” Look, if you’re going to call someone out for being full of shit, just do it. So what if you’re an asshole, at least you have conviction. HAHAHAHA they flash his title, and now it says “Doug – 33. Charity Director/Realtor. Seattle, WA” Did it always say that? I hope not. Way to do your research, ABC.

At dinner, she says she wants him to open up, and she wants to know if there’s more to him than just being a positive dad. This translates to: “talk about something else now” She wants to know what his flaws are. He basically dances around it. This is like the “what’s your biggest weakness?” question in a job interview. His answers are basically the same as “Oh I work too hard and sometimes I don’t accept anything less than perfection”.

This guy is trying too hard. She’s seeing right through it. She starts listing everything she thinks is a flaw about her, and he just rejects all of them and is like “noooo those aren’t flaws!”. She’s skeptical that he’s “too perfect”. I agree, he’s just trying to think of the right things to say to keep advancing. This is definitely fair, but it’s not really what she’s trying to get out of him. It’s like a Princess Bride style battle of wits to see who can outlast the other. Doug wins this one, and gets a rose. Then he talks about how he wants to kiss her, but says Emily needs to let him know first. Producers cut this one to show Emily’s “Doug-if you don’t kiss me you’re fucking gay” face. Then he says “this was a great dinner” and they get up and leave. Haha these producers are dicks.

Now the group date at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. Frat. Kalon says he’s excited to “hit the high seas” and “get some sun” and that this is “his element” I really, really hate him.

They’re going to have a little yacht race, and the winning team gets more Emily time while the losers go home. Sean the blonde hottie says “this just got extremely serious”. He then reminds us that he played D-1 football and he’s used to it. Turns out he played linebacker at Kansas State. Sailing is a little different than running the cover-2, bro.

Haha Jef’s hair looks pretty dumb in the wind. No product to save you now. You are exposed for the weird-haircut fraud you really are.

Yellow team wins. Bros are super pumped. Yacht club employee skippering the winning boat does not give one fuck about this show.

On the loser’s bus headed back to the hotel, this guy Charlie (the one with the plate in his head or whatever) is actually crying. Is this a fucking joke? These guys.

At the winners dinner or whatever, Ryan with the massive jaw makes a toast to his future “trophy” wife. Arie obviously has something bitchy and condescending to say about this, but only in safety of his hiding spot in the confessional where the mean football players can’t find him.

Then Emily and Arie share a terribly small blanket on some beach. This thing is like the size of bath towel, and Arie really struggles to master its secrets. He tells her he misses her so much – since last week when they spent all that time together. Then he goes “I missed youuuuuuu” straight into the make out. Not sure if that’s what I would have gone for there. At least if I was sober. That seems like a drunk move I see all the time. Maybe he was drunk? Then he does the “gently brush the hair out of her face” move. Also a drunk move that I’m pretty sure I’ve done before. Blackout Arie?

She does the same thing with Jef. Same comically small blanket. He seems kind of shy, maybe cause Arie and Emily just banged it out all over that blanket that’s rubbing on Jef’s face right now. Jef is pretty reserved, and she’s like “I want you to open up to me and tell me stuff, and he’s like, yeah maybe later.” I think this might work out for him. Playing this like it’s a real relationship where you gradually get to know someone and don’t just immediately tell them everything about yourself and then debate what to name your third and fourth children. She later says that she really wanted Jef to kiss her and he didn’t. She’s getting kind of slutty about this…

Ryan’s up next. They don’t go to the beach with the tiny blanket. He starts spewing bullshit again, and she totally calls him out on it. He said something like “I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.” She brings up the comment he made about her butt and the gym and her being fat when she gets old. He then says “God designed you to be a beautiful women, so be a beautiful woman!” This guy is an idiot. Unfortunately, he thinks he’s really fucking slick. He says “where much is given, much is required” I think his is from Spiderman. He also says he was praying at the rose ceremony that she would use this amazing opportunity as The Bachelorette to impact tons and tons people. Tons of young ladies that are going to respond with how she carries herself and holds herself to a high standard. And he was having a hard time when she kissed Arie in the hallway last time. This guy is such a fucking idiot. He needs to limit his speech to like 5 words at a time. She accurately points out that he needs to fucking get over it (because in like 3 weeks she’s going to be having sex with like 6 different guys at once).

On the group date, Jef gets the rose. I think he has a plan. He’s got this kind of cautious, don’t say anything dumb thing strategy.

2-on-1 date is John aka “Wolf” and Nate. Nate the accountant? I know literally nothing about him. The other guy is John “Wolf” the data destruction specialist. #teamwolf. This is an awkward proposition. Going on a date with a girl, while another guy is also going on a date with that girl. He’s actually sort of on a date with the other guy, too.

Back at the resort, everyone votes and they think that Wolf is going to win. Ryan, the dumbass with the big jaw, thinks that Wolf is going to win because he’s 30 and the other guy is 25. He quickly notes that “that’s a five year difference, that’s a big difference”. Chris, (the 25-year-old who freaked Emily out when she asked him how old he was last episode and he correctly told her that he was 25) is obviously going to say that it doesn’t matter how old you are. All the 30-year old guys basically say that they are more mature and thus better. This is so stupid.

Back at the menage a trois, they get a SICK yacht. The go to some island to jump off some cliffs. Wolf tries to do some fancy pirouette dive off like a 30 foot cliff, obviously botches it, and lands flat on his stomach. No camera time is given to this, and I don’t appreciate it.

They go to have dinner in these caves. Hahahaha they’re sitting last supper style, all on the same side of the table. She is Jesus in this scenario. This is THE most awkward thing ever. They talk about the quinoa. Nate says it looks fantastic. Wolf says he doesn’t want to eat it. Nate says he doesn’t want to either. For goodness sake, somebody please do something interesting. Not involving the quinoa.

She and Nate go talk in private, and he starts crying because his life and family and friends are so great. These guys are so weird. Does the same thing with Wolf, and he interestingly does not cry unprovoked.

Now we get the most awkward elimination ever. They are in a remote part of this cave labyrinth. Nate gets cut. BRUTAL. She has to walk him out, because otherwise he would get lost and die in there. She appears to have removed her 4-inch heels and is walking barefoot in a cave. I’ve noticed women REALLY hate to actually wear their shoes on their feet and prefer to wear them in their hands or in their purse.

Back at the resort, Ryan says he feels so confident because they had a great conversation. I don’t know that I would even call that a positive conversation, but whatever. Might even call it a negative. Ryan really sucks. He thinks he’s such a lady killer. Arie’s going in for the intercept. This is another conflict brewing. You know the producers had to make up a new one now that they kicked Stevie off. Ryan says he’s athletic, and charming, and etc. etc. and he’s just doing his due diligence on Emily before he commits. He thinks he’s a guy that makes the other guys insecure and he’s a frontrunner. He feels sorry for the other guys because of it. Arie cuts in and says that his connection with Emily is REAL AND INTENSE! This show is getting ridiculous. These guys are so possessive. Also, Arie is kind of fucking weird. He won’t stop, like, rubbing her legs with his fingers and shit. But he does it a little too gently, you know? Like he’s knows he shouldn’t really be doing it, but he feels like he can get away with it.

Ryan says “If I was The Bachelor, I’d be ready to open my heart up and it would be neat for everybody to see.” Real subtle, bro.

Sean gets some alone time, talks about Ricki, then does this awkward “canIhaveakis-” right before they do. Then he says how it gets more and more amazing every time they kiss. These guys are giving a lot of weight to “kissing”. Am I missing something? Are they all virgins? I don’t think kissing a girl is THAT groundbreaking.

Chris gets pulled aside and me makes sure to tell Emily that somebody told him he’s too young for this shit cause he’s 25. It “makes him sick” that Doug thinks he’s too young to be a father/husband. I don’t know if it would make me “sick.” I’ll be 25 in 2 years. Totally a fair concern from my perspective. Chris gets bold and pulls Doug aside and wants to have a little “chat.” Producers all just got huge boners.

This is an awful conversation. This conversation had no direction from the start. It went from “I didn’t like what you said to me” to “you piss me off and I don’t believe in you as a person”. This is the problem when you put so many overly muscular dudes in a house together. It’s one big dick-measuring contest all the time. Only Emily doesn’t care who has the biggest dick, she just wants a pretty big one who isn’t too much of a douche about it.

I don’t like her pants-dress thing at this rose ceremony. It’s disorienting.

She sits down with Chris Harrison the host, and he calls her out for Arie always KISSING her while Jef NEVER KISSES her. The drama here is unreal.

They have her slowly and carefully pick up Kalon-the-douchebag’s picture and look at it pensively. Then she puts it down and walks away. Calling it right now, he’s staying, but he’s the last rose called. Too easy, ABC.

Damn. Kalon was 2nd to last. I’m embarrassed.

Wow, Charlie the guy with the plate in his head got cut. And the long-haired guy Michael. The mushroom farmer got to stay? There’s no way she remembers that he’s a mushroom farmer. Mushrooms are gross anyway. I think this guy Michael’s exit interview is the first time I’ve heard him speak. And let’s be honest, I’m watching this pretty closely. I’m writing thousands of words on it.

K that’s the end. Going to London next week. Let’s get weird!

 

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Episode 3

Episode 3

This episode starts with Bachelor Babe’s mom bringing her breakfast in bed. She has bleached blonde hair and a voice like the woman in that anti-smoking commercial with the hole in her throat. Woof.

Chris the corporate sales director gets the first date. She’s going to make him scale up a building in downtown Charlotte. This is the coolest shit ever. I have no idea where the hell this is, though. They obviously get about halfway up and she starts crying. I wonder if this was actually her idea. Then, magically, she says she feels comfortable with Chris, and then makes it up in like 10 seconds. This show is ridiculous.

He says he really wanted to kiss her, but he went for the high five instead. She kind of reminds me of Kristin Cavallari. Who is super hot. Then she decides to tell him that if she saw him at a bar, she wouldn’t have enough guts to come talk to him. He says he would approach her, but he doesn’t usually make the first move, but for her he would. Makes no sense, but whatever.

Haha she forgot that he was 25. She seems scared. Doesn’t she have a notebook full of basic personal information about these guys or something?

I feel his pain, though. I’m also too young for the women I chase around. In NYC, I feel like everyone is 25 and I’m not.

He’s working so hard to dig himself out of this hole. I’ve probably said half of the same shit he’s saying. Except for the part about being ready to be a father and all that. Saving that one for a really desperate and specific situation, I guess. Anyway, whatever the hell he said, it worked and he got a rose.

HOLY SHIT LUKE BRYAN!!!

Sorry. I blacked out. I think I’m gay for Luke Bryan now. That was amazing.

Only thing, I think they had that concert at Trade and Tryon? Which is literally the geographic center of Charlotte? Did they close down the whole city for this stupid show? Probably. Not that much else going on in Charlotte.

So now they’re in a park with the group date. They have a football so the dudes think they’re going to play football. BTW, all these guys have huge arms. Surprise! You aren’t playing football guys! You’re facing a horrifying interrogation from a selection of her best girlfriends! Ha, good luck.

She shows them what they are about to do, and then asks, “is anybody nervous?” Then they all show their “yeah, I’m pretty nervous” faces.

OMG the guy with the egg. Her friends are super freaked out. One of her friends asks if he fertilized it himself. Proud of my city.

Haha poor Stevie. When he walks up, they say “here comes Jersey”. In their defense, he’s wearing a black muscle tee and plaid cargo shorts.

Sean, the insurance salesman, absolutely kills it. One of her friends literally wants to bang him right now. Telling him how cute he is, how good he would look in a cape, and asks him to take his shirt off. Obviously he does. Then he does pushups for them. Then he does pushups with the horny friend sitting on his back. Next she probably wants to ask for him to do pushups naked while she lies underneath him, also naked. At least he’ll win the challenge, but at what cost? If this guy gets eliminated, horny friend is going to be all over that so fast.

Oh God. Now they have to play with like 20 little kids. While this is meant to be a “play with kids” day, it’s actually a “try your best to look like a sexy/fun/nice dad”

Ryan with the HUGE jaw leaves the kids to come hang out with Emily. Then they start talking about when they get fat when they get married. THIS IS A HORRIBLE MOVE ON HIS PART. AVOID THIS SUBJECT AT ALL COSTS BRO. He decides to tell her that if she got fat, he would still love her but he wouldn’t love “on” her. Obviously this is true, you just can’t say it. Mis-step for him.

Then the group date does to Butter in Charlotte. They’re really going out by the music factory a lot. Who dresses these guys? I don’t know anyone who wears this shit like this in real life. Skinny ties and shit? On non-hipsters?

A lot of these guys are just trying to pitch to her that they would be the smoothest transition for her. Fit in with her friends, fit in with her daughter, etc. Strange dynamic.

Doug talks about how he grew up in foster care and she starts to cry. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Not going to say he’s just doing it to get a reaction out of her, but I am. I get that it’s probably hard and all, but…

The guy who was awkwardly standing in the room during the love poem way back when (Tony) is really trying to make sure she knows that he misses his kid. Like, starting to cry, etc. I get it bro, show Emily how much you care about your kid, and thus will care about her kid. But this isn’t a winning strategy. She’s not going to marry you because she feels bad for you. Listening to him baby-talk to his son on the phone, he is not a cool dad. He sounds like a girl talking to a teacup poodle. He is hamming for the camera so bad. Come on, bro. This is horrible. Just lots of man crying. Trying to look like he’s such a sensitive and great guy. Men don’t cry unless some serious shit goes down. If something gets to you, you just bury it deep down and not talk about it.

Emily takes the opportunity to kick him off the show without actually kicking him off. This is a GREAT move on her part. Make it seem like this is what he wants. “I can’t bear to see you like this blah blah blah”.  Well, that plan backfired for Tony.

Sean gets the group date rose. I called this one early. Win her friends, win the girl. I think this guy is a good bet to win the whole thing.

Arie gets the other 1-on-1 date. Haha Kalon the asshole asks him if he can drive a stick shift. The man drives fucking indy cars 220mph for a living. Go back to your Louis Vuitton luggage you fucking pussy.

Haha wow she’s taking Arie to Dollywood. The hickest, countryest “theme park” in the nation. Also, it’s in bumfuck Tennessee. They take a plane and I’m pretty sure they landed on grass. Like, no paved runways here. That’s how country this shit is. Oh, they do a closeup of the logo on the plane – some chartered plane company. Smart.

Arie says he wants to win a prize for her, and goes for the ring toss game. Bro, nobody ever wins that game. I don’t even think it’s actually possible. He’s probably never been to a theme park/carnival/state fair.

Haha they go on a roller coaster, and she freaks out. Obviously he’s super chill. The man is a race car driver. This is like pit road speed for him.

Oh, here comes Dolly Parton. And her gigantic breasts. She actually sounds really good. I wonder if this is pre-recorded? I love Dolly.

The Charlotte Bobcats just lost the 1st pick in the NBA draft to the Hornets. I could kill someone. Literally. I cannot focus.

Dolly has got to be pre-recorded. She sounds way too good. I wonder if she has an album coming out or something. Somebody check.

Arie is solid. He’s a good bet to make it a long way, too. Talking about how he used to date a woman with 2 kids, and he LIVED with her and her kids. Slam dunk.

He refers to himself as a “driver”. That’s so sick. You know he’s a professional.

Then she gives him the fake not-really-going-to-give-you-the-rose move. That’s pretty mean. He’s pretty smooth about it though. They play back that Dolly Parton song, and it sounds exactly the same. She definitely has an album about to drop.

Then they make out on the merry-go-round. Textbook shit right there. She’s skanky. Wow, they even give Arie some slo-mo make out footage. Producers must like him.

Back at the mansion, Kalon the douche looks like a lot of guys I work with. Slicked back hair, dark-framed glasses. Want to punch. Ohhhhh, now she wants to talk to him alone. He tells the guys to “hold down the fort”. God I want to hit him. He talks about how he hasn’t had to share much in his life. Not a good start, bud. Wow, also cut her off and said “wish you’d let me finish”. This guy is such a clueless dick.

The guy with the egg decides it’s time to end it. So he takes her outside and they throw the egg and it breaks. Sort of anticlimactic.

Then Alessandro has this awful conversation where he says he thinks being a dad is a compromise. She kicks him out, and then because she’s under so much stress or whatever, Arie takes the opportunity to comfort (make out with) her.

Sean then sits her down and tells her he wants to be Ricki’s dad. She likes this I guess.

On to the rose ceremony. No way Kalon gets booted. Mushroom farmer has no shot. Neither does the long-hair dude with no screen time.

WTF. The long-hair got a rose. His name is Michael. Mushroom farmer stays too??? This is madness.

The guy with the gigantic jaw is wearing a deep v-neck tee and a blazer. This guy is from Georgia?

Kalon stays, obviously. Did Stevie have enough beef with Kalon to earn him another week of showtime? Nooooo Stevie’s gone! It’s because of the New Jersey thing. So because the other 2 dudes already left, poor Stevie is the only one at the ceremony who has to go home. This is Jersey discrimination. Honestly, he had no shot though. He is so different than these other guys. He’s way too goofy and not chiseled.

Hahaha the man with the giant jaw called Arie “dainty” while he is more of a “physical” man. Look bro, the guy isn’t dainty. He lives a large part of his life at over 200mph. Whatever.

At this point, I would say Arie, Sean, Jef, Ryan, and Chris are the real contenders here. Look out for them. Also, Emily is kind of growing on me. She’s pretty cool. And also really hot.

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Episode 2

Episode 2

OMG the Charlotte news into. Channel 9. I want to go home right now, New York sucks.

This is great. All these bros living together. This is just like a frat house. But the guys aren’t fratty.

Now there is a date card. This dude reading it is seriously fucking jacked. Ryan gets the first date. This man has a gigantic jaw. He is also jacked.

Pool scene. There are lots of wet dudes. This is some shameless eye candy for all the women watching this.

Haha Ryan says he wants to know if he’s going on a plane or a hot air balloon, but , you know, he’s down for whatever. The date is to help her unload and put away groceries. They play humiliating music. Now he’s going to bake cookies. At her house. I would throw a fucking fit if this was me. Helicopter my ass around or I’m walking out.

At least this is a little more like a normal person date. I bet this show just gets dumbasses like me who would show up for the helicopter rides and sick vacations.

Now Ryan’s going with her to the soccer field where Ricki is. She makes Ryan stay in the car, STRONG MOVE. She just basically stops this soccer game to give these kids the cookies.

Next they’re going to chuckie cheese. I WOULD BE SO ON BOARD WITH THIS. Oh, she was joking. I would still go. I feel like i’m in this awkward age bracket where it’s creepy if I go there. Like, I can probably pull it off when I’m 30 cause people will think I have a kid. Probably would give it away when i spent the whole time playing the Ninja Turtles arcade game. PIZZA POWER UPS BRO!

They are given a fucking Aston Martin convertible to drive to dinner. She lets him drive. Place called “Osso”. I don’t like his haircut.

She says that she doesn’t want to be the prize, and that she doesn’t want this to be a competition. She might be stupid. This is very obviously structured as a competition where the winner gets you.

The conversation that they are having on their first date is fucking absurd. At this pace, I feel like he might propose in about 5 minutes. Discussing their future children? How those kids will be equivalent in their household to RickI? WTF is going on here.

HAHAHA Ryan said he thought she was most attractive today in the kitchen. I get what he was going for, but it sounds way better when you think of him as a misogynist asshole who believes that women belong in the kitchen.

Anyway, he gets a rose after the date. I think you have to REALLY drop the ball to not get a rose after a 1-on-1.

Private “Gloriana” concert. Don’t know who they are. But there’s a concert somewhere. I don’t know where this is in Charlotte. They’re on a platform in the middle of the crowd, dancing. Wow, this is some pretty quality shit. This is a kick-ass first date. If this wasn’t on ABC, they would be making out hard core and then going back to smush very soon.

Now the group date. Doing some sort of performing at a theater. With the muppets. Are the muppets owned by ABC? Disney thing? Why the fuck are they here. Ok, yep. Muppets owned by Disney.

Charlie is freaking out a little bit. He has to do standup comedy. He comes into her dressing room and discusses his concerns. He has some sort of speech problem. I guess this is a result of his accident. So he’s going to sing instead. Rainbow Connection is a bomb-ass song. Kermit absolutely kills that shit with that fucking banjo.

They show Kermit in her dressing room, as he zips up her dress. I hope Kermit wins this shit. He’s way cooler than any of these bros. I bet Ricki would love that too. Surprise! Your new daddy is a hand puppet!

Dance was fine. Nothing important.

Standup was shitty.

Miss Piggy Live. Sucks.

Goodness, she has an absolutely SMOKIN’ bod. Emily, not Miss Piggy. Is she surgically enhanced?

My roommate just said “wait, is Kermit real?” This is a man who got a 750 on the GMAT. Unbelievable.

Now going to a place called “The Garrison”

Jef’s hair freaks me out. It looks like some kind of reverse mullet that he has slicked back like gordon gekko. I don’t understand.

Stevie the MC is super weird. They are awkwardly dancing alone in some random room. Of course the producers send the one guy that Stevie has beef with to go interrupt. The douchey helicopter guy, Kalon. She’s talking about how Kalon thinks he’s hot shit, and he pretty much agrees. He’s such a douche. Some other guy cuts in on Kalon, and he has like a full-blown argument telling the guy to give him 2 more minutes. He basically makes an ass of himself. Afterwards Stevie tells Kalon he doesn’t like him, and Kalon goes “I wouldn’t like me either if I was you, bro. But fortunately, I’m me!” This is like a movie character. I didn’t know there were actually people like this in real life.

Jef gets the rose, some other dude is pissed because he thinks he had “better conversation.”

Now she’s going to take the next bro, Joe, to “where her heart is” – her home state. HAHA it’s West Virginia. That’s so shitty. Oh never mind, they go to The Greenbrier. Sick resort. Everybody knows about this place. This is a really great ad for The Greenbrier. Going for a little swim, fun. They’re showing these guys swimming a lot.

Oh nooooo she’s going to cut him. I wonder why? Seemed like he played everything pretty well. Only thing he really fucked up was telling her what his future plans were – he definitely kind of punted on that question. She seems pretty sad. Wow, he’s doing a little bit of a walk-out. Sucks that he’s in West Virginia now. Oh, well they already paid for the victory fireworks so they just shoot them off anyway while she cries in the balcony.

Kalon somehow gets into a situation where he tells a guy with a kid that he basically left his kid so he could try and get his dick wet. This does not go over well. The dude, Doug, I think, basically tells him to drop it or he will beat the living shit out of him on national tv and shove his stupid Top Gun Iceman aviators down his fucking throat. Paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea.

Haha this is pretty funny. Ryan is spending time with her and another guy is pissed because Ryan already has a rose and he’s safe. Tony decides he’s going to get a big dick and go steal her away and make her fall in love with him. He walks in just as Ryan lays the hammer down and gives Emily like a 7 page handwritten letter. Tony is awkwardly in the back of the room in the shadows waiting. He’s just too proud to leave. He waits for like 15 minutes. He basically just lost.

He gets a little time and makes sure to tell her about how he has a son. I swear like half of these guys have kids.

Haha Wolf calls Kalon a [bleep] because he’s a dude and he has Louis Vuitton luggage. Point for Wolf, the data destruction specialist.

If Kalon and Stevie the New Jersey MC got in a fight, it would be the funniest shit ever. Stevie’s little nut-duster goatee is the worst.

Of course Kalon gets the first rose. Pretty slick, producers. Make the hormonal women watching think that she actually likes him.

Ahhh Tony gets a rose. That’s so dumb. He made the most awkward play ever.

YEAAAA STEVIE WITH THE LAST ROSE! More drama next week, friends!

Everyone bro-hugs it out and then the losers leave.

Holy shit the preview for next week. They get to see Luke Bryan play “Drunk On You” live. A personal show. I would immediately propose to any girl who got me that. Absolutely love that song. Can’t wait.

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Episode 1

So this is my first time watching The Bachelorette. Just like when I watched The Bachelor, I barely understand the rules and most of the time I don’t really know what’s going on. I just sort of call it like I see it. Here we go.

Little intro with her kid. Her daughter Ricki has a t-shirt on that says “Ricki” on the front. That’s a good start.

Emily looks pretty good. Not as good as last season Emily, but still good. She must work out.

She drives a nice, new white Suburban. Thanks Rick Hendrick. She probably drives a new car like every 5 days.

YESSSS FILMING ON LOCATION AT TRADE AND TRYON! CHARLOTTE RAISE UP!

Showing some B reel of her playing with horses. I swear, every girl in the fucking world loves horses. Bros do not give one fuck about horses.

Just realized she’s 0-for-2 in engagements. Third time’s a charm. Let’s be honest, probably not.

Host bro calls her the most influential bachelorette ever? I have no idea if this is true or not, but it probably isn’t.

Starts in her hometown of CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA!!! I love Charlotte so much.

Here come bios on some of the dudes! They come pretty fast so here’s what I can catch.

Kalon – Luxury Brand Consultant. Guy thinks he’s rich. Fuck, he already said he’s ready to be in a vulnerable state. I made it like 5 minutes before somebody was “vulnerable”.

Ryan – Augusta GA. Played pro football and now he’s a trainer. They show him training a couple of 5-year-olds. He’s pretty jacked. He also has a HUGE jaw.

Tony – a lumber trader from Oregon. Wtf is a lumber trader? He says he’s passionate about fitness. That’s a great way to differentiate yourself in this crowd, bro. He has a 5 year old son. That is a slam-dunk. Except in the confessional he says “What has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? This guy”. That is not as much of a slam-dunk.

Lerone – black dude who does some real estate thing. He has a super gay dog. He is also jacked.

David – singer from NYC. Show him walking through the park with his guitar case – obviously. He’s already singing a song about Emily, and he’s really terrible.

Charlie – Recruiter from Nashville. He says he almost died in an accident a while back. Fell 15 feet. Punctured lung. Fractured spine. Traumatic brain injury. Wow, that’s some serious shit. He has an awesome bulldog, thus he’s my favorite so far. (I looked this up, and it turns out a balcony collapsed at Dan Uggla’s house, who he is apparently friends with. Pretty cool.).

Jef – Yes, with one f. Salt Lake City. He has a real stupid haircut. I think Bieber has the same one these days. They show him skateboarding. CEO of a bottled water company – that’s pretty cool. They show him quietly sitting and thinking on the side of a babbling brook. I can tell this guy is trouble.

Arie – God, they got a racecar driver. Indy series. This is ridiculous. He raced in the Indy 500. Unreal.

Side note – where the fuck is this bachelor mansion? It’s so tacky. There’s no way this is in Charlotte. Yeah, the host just said it is. WTF. This house is so horrible.There’s ilke, purple LED backlighting behind the fireplace. It’s so bad.

My roommate points out that this is terrible parenting. Like, instead of being with her child, she’s going on a several month long sex tour.

She just said she wants a minivan full of babies. She just keeps saying she wants babies. Host tells her to pump the brakes a little bit. Thanks host bro.

Nice, instead of sweeping shots of mountains and fjords, it’s helicopter views of Charlotte at night. I can totally get onboard with this.

Here comes the first bros to the mansion!!!

Jackson – fitness model. Oh God. Down on one knee already. Threw out some stupid line. He’s instantly cut. Then told her his name. He’s also a fitness model.

Great, here comes the house clown. Joe – field energy advisor. He’s such a weirdo. Jumping around like an idiot.

Arie – Indy car driver. He’s so going to win.

Aaron – HS biology teacher. 36, that’s old. He says some stupid line like, “even though I’m a biology teacher, I’m here to have chemistry with you.” She says she failed both of those. I think she’s telling the truth.

Alessandro – grain merchant from Brazil. She might be stupid. He speaks a little Portuguese to her and she just says “grassy-ass”.

Stevie – Party MC. Brought his own music via boom box. Dancing. Hair gel. Wearing a green shirt with this suit. Like, kermit the frog green. This guy is getting cut before the next commercial break.

Tony – lumber trader. He brough a pillow? Oh wow, he’s going for the prince charming thing. He says he believes in fairy tales and true love and shit, and if the shoe fits, you can be my princess and we can live happily ever after. This guy actually brought a fucking shoe and puts in on her. This is so absurd. Obviously, the shoe fits, and he says “I think i found my princess.” She comes back with “thanks for the shoe”. Yeah you’re definitely the favorite now, bro.

All of these dudes are instantly boozing by the way. No wine around here. Hard liquor. Nice. Me and my roommates decide it would be pretty fun to hang out with dudes all day and drink. And you’re all eskimo bros with each other, too.

Next up, looks like a guy pretending to be an old woman. This is very aggressive/desperate. I don’t get it. She is pretty freaked out. What the fuck is this. Poor guy, this didn’t go as well as he thought. His name is Randy – marketing manager. He says he wanted to be creative. Unfortunately he got so caught up in pretending to be an old woman that he didn’t even tell her his fucking name. SO CUT.

Brent. Put on a name tag. Actually a pretty good idea. I bet he makes it through the first cut because of that.

John AKA “Wolf” – data destruction specialist? WTF is that? Does he go around breaking computer servers with a sledgehammer? I have this image in my head of him going all Office Space on a copy machine in the middle of a field. Does he shred people’s bank statements for a living? Whatever.

This next dude has an egg? What is this? Travis – some sort of sales rep. He also has a mohawk. Oh, so this egg is a symbol of two beautiful people – Emily and her daughter. During this journey, he will take care of the egg like he will take care of her and her daughter. WTF.  Apparently it’s an ostrich egg. This egg is going to get broken really soon, there’s like 20 bros inside that have been pounding liquor since they walked through the door.

Alejandro – mushroom farmer. Seriously? Is that a drug reference? He starts trying to seduce her with his sexy Spanish. She comes back with some 6th grade level phrase. He goes for more sexy Spanish. She’s has absolutely no idea what just happened.

Ryan – sports trainer from GA. He’s the football guy. My roommates think this guy will be successful. He pulls out a note so he can “remember what to say”. One side says “you are beautiful” and the other says “I’m so nervous”. This Probably played well with the ladies. Going to save this idea for the bar in a few weeks.

Oh no. Some dude is bringing a helicopter. The other bros are threatened. We’re not even an hour into the show and we already got a helicopter.

It’s Kalon. Luxury brand consultant. He looks like a huge douche. Also, he actually was late to this event. This guy IS courtney-the-bitchy-model’s character from The Bachelor. EVERYONE will hate him. He fucked himself already. He doesn’t understand that they hate him. Haha they all basically refuse to speak to him.

They’re saying something about an immunity rose or something? Didn’t know about that part. Fuckkkk where are the rules ABC!?!

The atmosphere at this house is just, like, fancy cat calling all the time. Whenever she walks up they just applaud and cheer because she’s so hot. They’re going to schmooze a little bit now before she starts cutting bros.

One guy has SIX kids. HOLY SHIT. You, sir, need to go back home. You need zero more children.

She is getting dragged all over the place. Lots of cutting in and stealing the girl. This is how this show his going to go, I think. Lots of angry bros, and very over-possessive.

One dude gives her a bobble head of himself. I don’t get it. A souvenir? He also has a bobble head of her? That’s weird. He says that the bobble heads have already “been through a lot together.” Has he been having weird doll sex with them? “Oooh Emily I love you so much!” “Mmmm you too [insert name]!” “Let’s make out!” “Okay!” Then the doll sex.

The egg dude is fucking weird. This whole idea is such a swing-and-a-miss for this guy.

All the guys with kids are playing that card so hard. Like, literally going all in on the kid card. Showing pictures, etc. One guy breaks out a letter that his son wrote. This is a strong move – I think. He definitely sat his kid down and didn’t let him watch TV until he wrote down every word his dad said in cute little scribbly handwriting.

Here comes host bro with the “first impression rose” on a silver platter. Is this the immunity rose? Everyone is quiet. Can’t they just physically fight for it?

“Wolf” the data destruction specialist is pissed because it’s almost rose time and he hasn’t gotten any alone time with Emily yet. He gets up and goes on the war path. Dramatic music. Commercial.

Douchey helicopter guy thinks he’s going to win the helicopter rose. I mean first impression rose. He gets cut in on. Douchey guy is pissed. Like, doesn’t want to give her up. He is officially a super-douche. They all call him “helicopter guy”. They are already talking shit. Stevie the party MC is starting most of it.

She gives the first impression rose to the guy whose kid wrote the letter to her. Better get that kid a new playstation or something. Hell, get him a go-kart, he earned it.

I can tell that the producers are setting up the helicopter guy to be the villain already. He thinks he’s pretty hot shit.

Bunch of dudes get roses. Travis, egg dude, gets the last one. I really wanted him to lose and then just SMASH the egg and say “This is our love, Emily! Arggggg” Maybe he’s pledging a frat and has to carry it around along with a fanny pack full of condoms, cigarettes, and a bottle opener.

Lastly, one guy who lost gets a little camera time and says Emily missed out on a great guy, and a great body too. “She didn’t get to see any of the goods.” Then he just takes his clothes off. Show over.

So, all in all, interesting new dynamic here but I think I’m going to keep watching. I’m not crazy about Emily, but the Charlotte thing is awesome. Don’t really have much opinion on many of the guys yet, but I think Arie will probably win.

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The Bachelorette. Yes, I play both ways.

OK gang, it’s been a while, but I was recently informed that The Bachelorette is set to premier on ABC on Monday, May 14. Given that watching The Bachelor was way more entertaining for me than I expected, and considering my life is pretty boring anyway, I’m going to watch The Bachelorette too.

And, just like last time, there is apparently a lot of stuff that I didn’t know about that seems relevant to your (and my) understanding of this season. I’ll try to give a breakdown as I see it, but keep in mind, this all comes from a combination of wikipedia, tabloids, my imagination, and the like.

Bachelorette Babe (BB) is named Emily Maynard. I might have to call her Bachelor Babe on the blog, because this could confuse people with regard to the wildly popular #TeamEmily movement that I started last season. As far as I’m concerned, there is only one Emily, and that Emily is Emily from The Bachelor. The UNC grad student. And not this new one. K great, thanks.

Speaking of which, Emily STILL hasn’t returned any of my calls/texts/facebook pokes! Times are tough. I might have to resort to LinkedIn stalking soon. Does anybody still use Mypace? I love it when she plays hard to get.

Anyway, Bachelorette Babe was allegedly on a prior season of The Bachelor. The internet says that she was on the show, won it, and then left the guy? And now she’s got her own TV show? Take notes, Courtney-the-bitchy-model from The Bachelor.

The background story that ABC is really pushing here is that Bachelorette Babe is a single mom. According to ABC, her profession is “full-time mommy.” Add this one to my list of dream jobs. I bet she didn’t have to waste hours today trying to find the largest shareholders of publicly traded SPAC warrants that are actively trading on the LSE. Sorry, I know that sounds gross. It was gross.

She’s also 26, and has a 6-year old. That kind of freaks me out. I bet her 6-year old is way better behaved at 6 than I am at 22. To imagine myself being responsible for another human life when I was 20 is just ridiculous.

Things I did when I was 20:

1. Shared a tiny room with a man nicknamed “Frat”

2. Wore the same Charlotte Hornets jersey almost every day

3. Went to Chipotle a lot

4. Sat on the porch

4. I honestly don’t remember much else because I was probably studying drunk.

She is also from my beautiful hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, which is awesome. I think they filmed part of the show there or something, which apparently they don’t do for other contestants. I hope she takes some bros on a date to the NASCAR Hall of Fame. Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say right now that that will definitely happen, and you’ll probably see a bunch of overly obvious advertising for said HOF. That thing cost the city SO much money to build and NOBODY goes to it. Seriously, I got to do the entire pit crew challenge BY MYSELF like four times in a row because nobody was in line. Charlotte needs your money, America!

To further prove to the rest of the country that the only thing going on in North Carolina is NASCAR, Bachelorette Babe was formerly engaged to NASCAR driver Ricky Hendrick, who was sadly killed in a plane crash a few years back. She found out a few days later that she was pregnant with his child. Her daughter is named Ricki Hendrick, but for my own entertainment I’m going to call her Ricki Bobbi.

Ricky’s father, Rick, is a really big deal in Charlotte and in the NASCAR world, and Hendrick Motorsports is one of the best teams in the business (Jimmie Johnson, Jeff Gordon, Kasey Kahne, Dale Jr.).

This explains why her occupation is “full-time mommy” and not “welfare mommy”. Even though she was definitely put in a tough situation, being hooked in with the Hendrick family makes things a lot easier.

But, in order to give you, the people, a fair account of who this woman is, I’ve solicited several experts from some random internet comments I found.

Kimmy says:

“This was the wrong choice for the bachlorette she is all about material things not TRUE love. I think she is ne of t he MOST fakest people going .. She will nto be happy with NOONE at all noone can stand up to her HIGH maitnance life style she wants…. money hungry is a ll she is …I wont be watchign this season and I like watching t his show”

While Joy argues:

“I believe Emily is going for the money..not love!She has never worked & has a child by Hendrick so the Hendricks Family, whom are billionaires, support her and her daughter..she will never leave all of this behind…are you kidding!!! NO WAY!!!!”

But I say:

“You people are idiots. She obviously doesn’t need the cash – her daughter is Rick Hendrick’s grandchild.”

So that’s the situation. They haven’t disclosed who the bros are yet, but I’m sure there will be lots of “personal trainers”, “models”, and “entrepreneurs”. This is code for “unemployed”. I think ABC recently got sued because these shows never have any minority contestants, so be on the lookout to see if we get any diversity in this season’s bro portfolio (brofolio?). Honestly, I wouldn’t count on it.

Also, maybe slightly relevant, host Chris Harrison is getting divorced. I blame Courtney-the-bitchy-model for probably giving him a “one-on-one date” in one of the many hot tubs last season.

Anyway, settle in for some for some hilarious courtship and lots of helicopter rides.

LET’S GET VULNERABLE!!!

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