Episode 3

Episode 3

This episode starts with Bachelor Babe’s mom bringing her breakfast in bed. She has bleached blonde hair and a voice like the woman in that anti-smoking commercial with the hole in her throat. Woof.

Chris the corporate sales director gets the first date. She’s going to make him scale up a building in downtown Charlotte. This is the coolest shit ever. I have no idea where the hell this is, though. They obviously get about halfway up and she starts crying. I wonder if this was actually her idea. Then, magically, she says she feels comfortable with Chris, and then makes it up in like 10 seconds. This show is ridiculous.

He says he really wanted to kiss her, but he went for the high five instead. She kind of reminds me of Kristin Cavallari. Who is super hot. Then she decides to tell him that if she saw him at a bar, she wouldn’t have enough guts to come talk to him. He says he would approach her, but he doesn’t usually make the first move, but for her he would. Makes no sense, but whatever.

Haha she forgot that he was 25. She seems scared. Doesn’t she have a notebook full of basic personal information about these guys or something?

I feel his pain, though. I’m also too young for the women I chase around. In NYC, I feel like everyone is 25 and I’m not.

He’s working so hard to dig himself out of this hole. I’ve probably said half of the same shit he’s saying. Except for the part about being ready to be a father and all that. Saving that one for a really desperate and specific situation, I guess. Anyway, whatever the hell he said, it worked and he got a rose.

HOLY SHIT LUKE BRYAN!!!

Sorry. I blacked out. I think I’m gay for Luke Bryan now. That was amazing.

Only thing, I think they had that concert at Trade and Tryon? Which is literally the geographic center of Charlotte? Did they close down the whole city for this stupid show? Probably. Not that much else going on in Charlotte.

So now they’re in a park with the group date. They have a football so the dudes think they’re going to play football. BTW, all these guys have huge arms. Surprise! You aren’t playing football guys! You’re facing a horrifying interrogation from a selection of her best girlfriends! Ha, good luck.

She shows them what they are about to do, and then asks, “is anybody nervous?” Then they all show their “yeah, I’m pretty nervous” faces.

OMG the guy with the egg. Her friends are super freaked out. One of her friends asks if he fertilized it himself. Proud of my city.

Haha poor Stevie. When he walks up, they say “here comes Jersey”. In their defense, he’s wearing a black muscle tee and plaid cargo shorts.

Sean, the insurance salesman, absolutely kills it. One of her friends literally wants to bang him right now. Telling him how cute he is, how good he would look in a cape, and asks him to take his shirt off. Obviously he does. Then he does pushups for them. Then he does pushups with the horny friend sitting on his back. Next she probably wants to ask for him to do pushups naked while she lies underneath him, also naked. At least he’ll win the challenge, but at what cost? If this guy gets eliminated, horny friend is going to be all over that so fast.

Oh God. Now they have to play with like 20 little kids. While this is meant to be a “play with kids” day, it’s actually a “try your best to look like a sexy/fun/nice dad”

Ryan with the HUGE jaw leaves the kids to come hang out with Emily. Then they start talking about when they get fat when they get married. THIS IS A HORRIBLE MOVE ON HIS PART. AVOID THIS SUBJECT AT ALL COSTS BRO. He decides to tell her that if she got fat, he would still love her but he wouldn’t love “on” her. Obviously this is true, you just can’t say it. Mis-step for him.

Then the group date does to Butter in Charlotte. They’re really going out by the music factory a lot. Who dresses these guys? I don’t know anyone who wears this shit like this in real life. Skinny ties and shit? On non-hipsters?

A lot of these guys are just trying to pitch to her that they would be the smoothest transition for her. Fit in with her friends, fit in with her daughter, etc. Strange dynamic.

Doug talks about how he grew up in foster care and she starts to cry. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Not going to say he’s just doing it to get a reaction out of her, but I am. I get that it’s probably hard and all, but…

The guy who was awkwardly standing in the room during the love poem way back when (Tony) is really trying to make sure she knows that he misses his kid. Like, starting to cry, etc. I get it bro, show Emily how much you care about your kid, and thus will care about her kid. But this isn’t a winning strategy. She’s not going to marry you because she feels bad for you. Listening to him baby-talk to his son on the phone, he is not a cool dad. He sounds like a girl talking to a teacup poodle. He is hamming for the camera so bad. Come on, bro. This is horrible. Just lots of man crying. Trying to look like he’s such a sensitive and great guy. Men don’t cry unless some serious shit goes down. If something gets to you, you just bury it deep down and not talk about it.

Emily takes the opportunity to kick him off the show without actually kicking him off. This is a GREAT move on her part. Make it seem like this is what he wants. “I can’t bear to see you like this blah blah blah”.  Well, that plan backfired for Tony.

Sean gets the group date rose. I called this one early. Win her friends, win the girl. I think this guy is a good bet to win the whole thing.

Arie gets the other 1-on-1 date. Haha Kalon the asshole asks him if he can drive a stick shift. The man drives fucking indy cars 220mph for a living. Go back to your Louis Vuitton luggage you fucking pussy.

Haha wow she’s taking Arie to Dollywood. The hickest, countryest “theme park” in the nation. Also, it’s in bumfuck Tennessee. They take a plane and I’m pretty sure they landed on grass. Like, no paved runways here. That’s how country this shit is. Oh, they do a closeup of the logo on the plane – some chartered plane company. Smart.

Arie says he wants to win a prize for her, and goes for the ring toss game. Bro, nobody ever wins that game. I don’t even think it’s actually possible. He’s probably never been to a theme park/carnival/state fair.

Haha they go on a roller coaster, and she freaks out. Obviously he’s super chill. The man is a race car driver. This is like pit road speed for him.

Oh, here comes Dolly Parton. And her gigantic breasts. She actually sounds really good. I wonder if this is pre-recorded? I love Dolly.

The Charlotte Bobcats just lost the 1st pick in the NBA draft to the Hornets. I could kill someone. Literally. I cannot focus.

Dolly has got to be pre-recorded. She sounds way too good. I wonder if she has an album coming out or something. Somebody check.

Arie is solid. He’s a good bet to make it a long way, too. Talking about how he used to date a woman with 2 kids, and he LIVED with her and her kids. Slam dunk.

He refers to himself as a “driver”. That’s so sick. You know he’s a professional.

Then she gives him the fake not-really-going-to-give-you-the-rose move. That’s pretty mean. He’s pretty smooth about it though. They play back that Dolly Parton song, and it sounds exactly the same. She definitely has an album about to drop.

Then they make out on the merry-go-round. Textbook shit right there. She’s skanky. Wow, they even give Arie some slo-mo make out footage. Producers must like him.

Back at the mansion, Kalon the douche looks like a lot of guys I work with. Slicked back hair, dark-framed glasses. Want to punch. Ohhhhh, now she wants to talk to him alone. He tells the guys to “hold down the fort”. God I want to hit him. He talks about how he hasn’t had to share much in his life. Not a good start, bud. Wow, also cut her off and said “wish you’d let me finish”. This guy is such a clueless dick.

The guy with the egg decides it’s time to end it. So he takes her outside and they throw the egg and it breaks. Sort of anticlimactic.

Then Alessandro has this awful conversation where he says he thinks being a dad is a compromise. She kicks him out, and then because she’s under so much stress or whatever, Arie takes the opportunity to comfort (make out with) her.

Sean then sits her down and tells her he wants to be Ricki’s dad. She likes this I guess.

On to the rose ceremony. No way Kalon gets booted. Mushroom farmer has no shot. Neither does the long-hair dude with no screen time.

WTF. The long-hair got a rose. His name is Michael. Mushroom farmer stays too??? This is madness.

The guy with the gigantic jaw is wearing a deep v-neck tee and a blazer. This guy is from Georgia?

Kalon stays, obviously. Did Stevie have enough beef with Kalon to earn him another week of showtime? Nooooo Stevie’s gone! It’s because of the New Jersey thing. So because the other 2 dudes already left, poor Stevie is the only one at the ceremony who has to go home. This is Jersey discrimination. Honestly, he had no shot though. He is so different than these other guys. He’s way too goofy and not chiseled.

Hahaha the man with the giant jaw called Arie “dainty” while he is more of a “physical” man. Look bro, the guy isn’t dainty. He lives a large part of his life at over 200mph. Whatever.

At this point, I would say Arie, Sean, Jef, Ryan, and Chris are the real contenders here. Look out for them. Also, Emily is kind of growing on me. She’s pretty cool. And also really hot.