Episode 2

Episode 2

OMG the Charlotte news into. Channel 9. I want to go home right now, New York sucks.

This is great. All these bros living together. This is just like a frat house. But the guys aren’t fratty.

Now there is a date card. This dude reading it is seriously fucking jacked. Ryan gets the first date. This man has a gigantic jaw. He is also jacked.

Pool scene. There are lots of wet dudes. This is some shameless eye candy for all the women watching this.

Haha Ryan says he wants to know if he’s going on a plane or a hot air balloon, but , you know, he’s down for whatever. The date is to help her unload and put away groceries. They play humiliating music. Now he’s going to bake cookies. At her house. I would throw a fucking fit if this was me. Helicopter my ass around or I’m walking out.

At least this is a little more like a normal person date. I bet this show just gets dumbasses like me who would show up for the helicopter rides and sick vacations.

Now Ryan’s going with her to the soccer field where Ricki is. She makes Ryan stay in the car, STRONG MOVE. She just basically stops this soccer game to give these kids the cookies.

Next they’re going to chuckie cheese. I WOULD BE SO ON BOARD WITH THIS. Oh, she was joking. I would still go. I feel like i’m in this awkward age bracket where it’s creepy if I go there. Like, I can probably pull it off when I’m 30 cause people will think I have a kid. Probably would give it away when i spent the whole time playing the Ninja Turtles arcade game. PIZZA POWER UPS BRO!

They are given a fucking Aston Martin convertible to drive to dinner. She lets him drive. Place called “Osso”. I don’t like his haircut.

She says that she doesn’t want to be the prize, and that she doesn’t want this to be a competition. She might be stupid. This is very obviously structured as a competition where the winner gets you.

The conversation that they are having on their first date is fucking absurd. At this pace, I feel like he might propose in about 5 minutes. Discussing their future children? How those kids will be equivalent in their household to RickI? WTF is going on here.

HAHAHA Ryan said he thought she was most attractive today in the kitchen. I get what he was going for, but it sounds way better when you think of him as a misogynist asshole who believes that women belong in the kitchen.

Anyway, he gets a rose after the date. I think you have to REALLY drop the ball to not get a rose after a 1-on-1.

Private “Gloriana” concert. Don’t know who they are. But there’s a concert somewhere. I don’t know where this is in Charlotte. They’re on a platform in the middle of the crowd, dancing. Wow, this is some pretty quality shit. This is a kick-ass first date. If this wasn’t on ABC, they would be making out hard core and then going back to smush very soon.

Now the group date. Doing some sort of performing at a theater. With the muppets. Are the muppets owned by ABC? Disney thing? Why the fuck are they here. Ok, yep. Muppets owned by Disney.

Charlie is freaking out a little bit. He has to do standup comedy. He comes into her dressing room and discusses his concerns. He has some sort of speech problem. I guess this is a result of his accident. So he’s going to sing instead. Rainbow Connection is a bomb-ass song. Kermit absolutely kills that shit with that fucking banjo.

They show Kermit in her dressing room, as he zips up her dress. I hope Kermit wins this shit. He’s way cooler than any of these bros. I bet Ricki would love that too. Surprise! Your new daddy is a hand puppet!

Dance was fine. Nothing important.

Standup was shitty.

Miss Piggy Live. Sucks.

Goodness, she has an absolutely SMOKIN’ bod. Emily, not Miss Piggy. Is she surgically enhanced?

My roommate just said “wait, is Kermit real?” This is a man who got a 750 on the GMAT. Unbelievable.

Now going to a place called “The Garrison”

Jef’s hair freaks me out. It looks like some kind of reverse mullet that he has slicked back like gordon gekko. I don’t understand.

Stevie the MC is super weird. They are awkwardly dancing alone in some random room. Of course the producers send the one guy that Stevie has beef with to go interrupt. The douchey helicopter guy, Kalon. She’s talking about how Kalon thinks he’s hot shit, and he pretty much agrees. He’s such a douche. Some other guy cuts in on Kalon, and he has like a full-blown argument telling the guy to give him 2 more minutes. He basically makes an ass of himself. Afterwards Stevie tells Kalon he doesn’t like him, and Kalon goes “I wouldn’t like me either if I was you, bro. But fortunately, I’m me!” This is like a movie character. I didn’t know there were actually people like this in real life.

Jef gets the rose, some other dude is pissed because he thinks he had “better conversation.”

Now she’s going to take the next bro, Joe, to “where her heart is” – her home state. HAHA it’s West Virginia. That’s so shitty. Oh never mind, they go to The Greenbrier. Sick resort. Everybody knows about this place. This is a really great ad for The Greenbrier. Going for a little swim, fun. They’re showing these guys swimming a lot.

Oh nooooo she’s going to cut him. I wonder why? Seemed like he played everything pretty well. Only thing he really fucked up was telling her what his future plans were – he definitely kind of punted on that question. She seems pretty sad. Wow, he’s doing a little bit of a walk-out. Sucks that he’s in West Virginia now. Oh, well they already paid for the victory fireworks so they just shoot them off anyway while she cries in the balcony.

Kalon somehow gets into a situation where he tells a guy with a kid that he basically left his kid so he could try and get his dick wet. This does not go over well. The dude, Doug, I think, basically tells him to drop it or he will beat the living shit out of him on national tv and shove his stupid Top Gun Iceman aviators down his fucking throat. Paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea.

Haha this is pretty funny. Ryan is spending time with her and another guy is pissed because Ryan already has a rose and he’s safe. Tony decides he’s going to get a big dick and go steal her away and make her fall in love with him. He walks in just as Ryan lays the hammer down and gives Emily like a 7 page handwritten letter. Tony is awkwardly in the back of the room in the shadows waiting. He’s just too proud to leave. He waits for like 15 minutes. He basically just lost.

He gets a little time and makes sure to tell her about how he has a son. I swear like half of these guys have kids.

Haha Wolf calls Kalon a [bleep] because he’s a dude and he has Louis Vuitton luggage. Point for Wolf, the data destruction specialist.

If Kalon and Stevie the New Jersey MC got in a fight, it would be the funniest shit ever. Stevie’s little nut-duster goatee is the worst.

Of course Kalon gets the first rose. Pretty slick, producers. Make the hormonal women watching think that she actually likes him.

Ahhh Tony gets a rose. That’s so dumb. He made the most awkward play ever.

YEAAAA STEVIE WITH THE LAST ROSE! More drama next week, friends!

Everyone bro-hugs it out and then the losers leave.

Holy shit the preview for next week. They get to see Luke Bryan play “Drunk On You” live. A personal show. I would immediately propose to any girl who got me that. Absolutely love that song. Can’t wait.